5 week old baby. wife wants a divorce :(

[wallabyjack]

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

It's disgusting how hypocritical mn is

If this were a man being so toxic he wore down the partner enough to consent to sex to get the person pregnant. If this were a man who has refused then tried only to walk out of treatment, straight away. If this were an abusive man

You would all be telling this woman to leave, that he is abusive and a rapist, an unstable danger to the children and herself. The man who needs help and she should leave him as he's refused.

But no. Because it's a man saying these things you have belittled, bullied and blamed him. Honestly couldn't make it up.

I truly hope you and your children have a safe place to go right now

Read some threads ffs. Women are called out all the time for abusive, controlling or manipulative behaviours. They're also called out (often unfairly) for their part in being subjected to abuse.

So no, I don't accept this "if this were a woman" narrative. It's b.s. But for some reason, whenever a man posts, questioning him on dodgy things he says, criticising him or calling him out is "disgusting" and "misandry". You think women are not "belitted, bullied and blamed" when they post on mn? Because they are, all the time. Are you just blind to it when it happens to women? People who post on mn will get a range of responses. This man has had a range of responses. It's fine.

Like others have said, it sounds very like Post natal depression.
I had it myself and I know the symptoms.
6 months of antidepressant sorted me out and i’ve been fine since.
She needs to see a doctor. She needs help getting to a doctor because she may not be well enough to realise that’s what’s needed

It sounds like whatever you suggest, even if it is the right thing, is the wrong thing, either altogether or just at that moment. If she won’t accept help when you suggest it, then is there someone whom she will listen to?

Your priority has to be to keep everyone, especially the children, safe. If you make that the basis on which you make your decisions, they will be the right ones, even if not everyone likes them at the time.

Separately, would the older children's school/ nursery be able to help you with how to manage their behaviour?

@HonestwithHope1
I think you’re being unreasonable.
It’s probably not the 3rd child that’s the problem.
They need to exclude post natal depression.If that gets dealt with they may be happy they had a 3rd.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

Wow.

So you didn't want a child even though you knew she did but were desparate for a shag so had one! You actually wrote that down!

And the admission about you / your and your family wanting her to have an abortion / get rid of the baby once she got pregnant because you wanted to get your leg over.... And now the baby is here you are still holding on to this resentment that your desire to not have a baby wasn't listened to.

I'm speechless at this total lack of respect for your wife and child

And you have the nerve to pin everything on her 'being crazy'?

Jesus wept. Just get a divorce. You aren't going to work this out.

And for everyone making remarks about it being a male poster; its got fuck all to do with what sex the OP is here, but a fundamental lack of respect for someone who has just had a baby (she was just a shag) and an appalling attitude to a new born child whose mere presence has 'ruined things'.

There isn't a real desire to work things out with an attitude like that. Its just looking to pass the buck for the marriage failing.

The wife may or may not have PND or simply be a bitch. It kind of misses the real problem here. It is not fixable. But I don't believe its just because of the crazy wife who 'can't see things from anyone else's point of view but her own.' I don't believe that either party want to fix things really.

On what planet do you have to be, where there is counselling going on to fix the marriage, do you think 'Oh I really need a shag, I don't want a baby like her, but hell I can't stop myself' and think its going to help matters???

Meanwhile there is a 5 week old baby and two other kids who are stuck in the middle.

Honestly, save the drama. Just get divorced.

@Terminallysleepdeprived

As above her behaviour screams post natal depression and untreated things will get worse. You used the term interstate so am guessing you live in the US, talk to your doctor, get her a specialist in the field. She desperately needs help.

If she was fine before jids then the chances are she has it bad and the PND has never been resolved between kids.

If you love her and your family get her help, she sounds very ill.

I agree with this. I also remember the time with a new baby and a toddler as the time i bickered far more than normal with my (lovely, patient, very hands on) husband. I was exhausted and stressed, he was tired out too, and I snapped at him , while he grouched back at me. It was probably the time I felt least close to him, and lonely. We had also moved house and none of my friends lived near me at all. Sometimes you just need to weather the storm and understand that it will pass. Hopefully that is true for you.

Sounds difficult OP.

I wonder if it’s not just hormones/PND but this coupled with a ‘difficult’ personality where she only sees her point of view as noted by the therapist. Plenty of single mums out there who aren’t hard work.

@HonestwithHope1

It's disgusting how hypocritical mn is

If this were a man being so toxic he wore down the partner enough to consent to sex to get the person pregnant. If this were a man who has refused then tried only to walk out of treatment, straight away. If this were an abusive man

You would all be telling this woman to leave, that he is abusive and a rapist, an unstable danger to the children and herself. The man who needs help and she should leave him as he's refused.

But no. Because it's a man saying these things you have belittled, bullied and blamed him. Honestly couldn't make it up.

I truly hope you and your children have a safe place to go right now

Amen.

I regret my decision badly but I was craving affection and intimacy after 18 months of no sexual contact and loneliness. Keep in mind that when my wife is normal, she is great

The first sentence is one of the most immature and selfish things I've read on here and the less said about the second the better.

@Friedaubergine

Sorry but how am I being unreasonable... Based on the info gave

Sex coercion
Previous refusal to engage with professional help

Poor relationship all round even before third pregnancy

... It's clear something is going on with this woman. Based on what's being wrote, going against majority here- I don't quite believe it's poor MH due to pregnancy, but that said it still needs ruled out or treated if it is MH due to pregnancy. Hell, any poor MH needs treated. She seems to have got to the point of desperately needing evaulated due to the impact it's having on herself and family life.

I’ve been in a very similar situation. In our case, my wife was severely affected with post natal depression, culminating in suicide attempt (which thankfully wasn’t successful).

She didn’t want to acknowledge her depression, but the suicide attempt triggered an intervention from social services which forced the issue. We are now in a much better place, but things are still touch and go.

I would strongly suggest you talk to your wife about the possibility that she might be suffering from post natal depression. It is very common and there is help available.

Wishing you all the best.

No one needs sex. You can't wear person down so much that they are forced to have sex in order to get you pregnant. I can't believe people really think that.

You still have to make an active decision to have sex and have a baby. If you don't think someone is emotionally able to do that, you have to be the grown up in the relationship and protect them and yourself / your kids from that.

Anyone who wants to frame this as a 'poor man who had no choice' is being ridicilous. She hasn't raped him. And comparing her to a rapist is frankly appalling.

Yes there may be emotional blackmail, but that somewhat different, and you can't compare it with rape. And you still have to question why you would make an active decision to put having sex for yourself before the huge decision of concieving a baby and the impact of that.

There is clearly issues from both parties. The way the OP speaks about his wife and newborn baby isn't right. It sets off red flags, even if you give the benefit of the doubt and say the wife has personality problems / PND.

The relationship isn't working and it looks like neither party feels they can move forward as things stand. There isn't love in the tone of the OP about his wife. The OP has been on antidepressants since the 2nd child and he's still wistfully looking back to getting back to a happy place BEFORE they had children. Except things have changed and with three kids in tow you can't go back to being a carefree couple without the responsibilities of children.

Loving your family for 'what it represents' strikes me as being in love with the idea of the perfect John Lewis family and then being surprised when reality doesn't match up. You should love your family for what they are not what they represent.

The fact that the opinions of extended family are being brought into this, doubly smacks of this sense of image and perfection v reality.

The OP does need to examine what they have said here as its important. Holding a grudge because his wife got pregnant after he decided to have sex with her because he needed sex is not the basis of resolving your marital problems and living happily ever after.

If he really does, as other posters here are suggesting, feel he was forced into having a third baby because he is in an abusive relationship, he should be the one taking the initiative to end it.

If you take the other approach of saying she's very unwell and in need of support then the tone of resentment isn't a good place to start either.

I completely disagree with the posters suggesting he move out. His wife isn’t well, he can’t possibly leave three young children alone with her, he’d be putting them at risk.

Go to your doctor, OP, and explain that you’re at breaking point. Get some professional help and also reach out to family if you need to-but definitely speak to your doctor first. If your wife is diagnosed with PND, medical help is the first thing she needs.

To reiterate, please DO NOT move out and leave your children behind.

You’ve had a lot of different perspectives here, but to add to those some really practical things which you can do are:

• give her two hours a day every day with no children, no baby so that she can catch up on rest

• sort everything to do with food every single day. Make everyone breakfast, leave her lunch, cook dinner. Do all of the thinking, planning, shopping, cooking, clearing up. Take on all of the mental load.

• do a really good clean each weekend with no moaning or expecting praise. Do it whilst looking after the older two. Don’t comment on the cleaning the rest of the time or expect her to do anything in between

• make sure that the older two are in really decent daytime childcare every day when you are at work. Do all drop offs and pick ups. Look after them the rest of the time.

• do all of the thinking, planning, shopping, sorting and work for Christmas for both your families.

And see how it all feels by the new year.

[quote alienbaby]@DeadoftheMoon

Why are you absolving this woman of all responsibility? She needs to get herself help. Shes an adult.[/quote]
She's in deep shit mentally. Sometimes you can't help yourself. Being an adult has nothing to do with it.

No one needs sex.

Most people would end a sexless relationship if they’d gone into it with the desire to have regular intimacy.

Personally I’d fuck her off and find somebody with less dramatic tendencies. As evidenced by the therapy she isn’t interested in listening to anybody else/doesn’t really seem to care about the effect on others. Life’s too short.

@EightWheelGirl But he really can’t leave three young children with her atm, can he. If she does have PND or even PN Psychosis, something terrible could happen.

Yes, the OP might want to divorce her eventually, but he has to deal with the immediate crisis-that means seeking medical help now.

You do need to bear in mind that there are 168 hours in a week. If you do 40 and work 40, that means she's caring for 3 young (and therefore very high - extremely high needs) children for 128 hours. With all the physical, hormonal and mental demands of the post partum period. If you work more than 40 hours per week, that's even longer than she has to look after them without support.

Are you on paternity leave or have you been there for no more than just the first day or so before going back to work (I don't know what the legal provisions are in other countries)? If you are on paternity leave, you definitely should be doing more than 40 hours.

It's not going to help if you're suggesting she's mental (calling her a monster, FGS) when the umbilical stump has barely dropped off and she's probably still bleeding like a stuck pig.

This thread has really devolved into a dumpster fire! @wallabyjack I think you need to contact her healthcare team and express concern (should've been done before pregnancy number two to be honest) and she needs help but it doesn't mean you're not a victim either. Can you access mental health help via work? Can you contact her family to access support for both of you? Best of luck

I think you need to call crisis team or go to GP. You need to speak to specialist regarding her crisis. This sounds like she might have PND or psychic episode. DO NOT LEAVE Her!

It sounds like 50/50 would be a much better situation for the children than the current situation. Your wife may cope better with this arrangement. Maybe after a while things may improve but it doesn't sound like they will if things stay as they are. I would document her outbursts and your level of child support to make sure you get 50/50.

I would not leave her for your children's sake ATM. I think you should contact a GP for an assessment. She may have PND or she may just be very unhappy with you. Your Mother and Father knowing the inns and outs and feeling they can advise a married woman that she should terminate a wanted baby doesn't exactly scream loving and supportive. You and your family could be more of a hinderance than a help. Your should contact a GP though as it could be PND either.