5 week old baby. wife wants a divorce :(

[wallabyjack]

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

well this has been an interesting thread.
I posted it here as I wanted to get the female view, rather than post it on a male dominant forum and get a biased view there.

Extreme responses aside, the average summary seems to be.

1. She likely is suffering some sort of mental health issue
2. I need to make more effort, although not sure what else I can do beyond the 40 hours with my other kids, the 40 hour work week. the life/financial admin, house admin
3. Do not leave, as I will be making it tougher for my older kids.

thanks to all who provided a kind and thoughtful response.
I am not perfect, but if any of you are, please speak up.

She IS coping with huge hormonal change (after pregnancy) and possibly the start of menopause; so it's pretty likely her recent changed outlook and behaviour are linked to that and she needs some medical advice and help ( and your support) for post natal depression.

At best, now is not the time for either of you to be making major decisions about divorce. She needs a lot of comforting, reassurance, and patience to help her through this.

I'm also in Australia and have been through some of this. It's a horrible situation for all concerned. As a non-professional, I don't know the answer, but as someone who suffered undiagnosed PND that has repercussions even now because it wasn't picked up at the time, it does sound as though your wife has suffered some form of PND ever since your first child, and it has got progressively worse. It is so difficult when someone who clearly needs help can't see it or accept it, but that's more common than not. If she is suffering from pre or post-natal depression or psychosis in any form, the inside of her head will be hell right now, and anger is a very common outward expression of the turmoil. It's not necessarily personal to you. But of course, she may want to separate when all this is over, which is a different question. I wouldn't try to make decisions on that yet.

My advice would be to talk to your GP as soon as possible. It sounds as though your wife needs help and support, and so do you. They won't discuss her with you but will listen and if they think it is appropriate, they will alert mental health teams to check up on you all. That's a more scary prospect in the abstract than it is in reality. I have never had anything but good experiences with this sort of intervention. I was recently supporting a friend in a different but equally traumatic situation and was blown away by the kindness and professionalism she encountered at her lowest moments.

You have children in this situation so can't really leave it too long to see whether it deteriorates further. I would advise starting with your GP and seeing how they can help.

Keep the number for crisis services at hand at all times. You don't want to be busy Googling it if things go downhill and you need immediate help.

Either phone your local CATT team or HART team if you need crisis help. They can be accessed 24/7 through your local hospital switchboard if need be.

SANE Australia is also a very helpful and non-judgmental organisation.

www.sane.org/information-stories/facts-and-guides/how-to-help-in-a-crisis

Good luck to you all.

@wallabyjack

well this has been an interesting thread. I posted it here as I wanted to get the female view, rather than post it on a male dominant forum and get a biased view there.

Extreme responses aside, the average summary seems to be.

1. She likely is suffering some sort of mental health issue
2. I need to make more effort, although not sure what else I can do beyond the 40 hours with my other kids, the 40 hour work week. the life/financial admin, house admin
3. Do not leave, as I will be making it tougher for my older kids.

thanks to all who provided a kind and thoughtful response.
I am not perfect, but if any of you are, please speak up.

@wallabyjack i am sorry you are going through this and you sound caring to reach out for help. You must be exhausted. Congratulations on your new baby .

It is very hard watching the one you love fall apart and try and look after yourself let alone kids into the mix aswell.

My ex found me extremely hard work during my post partum depression. I don't blame him. I was angry sad depressed irrational raging tired and exhausted and just plain not me. He was patient and found me counselling and came with me and I just wouldn't see any one else's point of view other than mine. I don;t think the combined pill helped. Progesterone only helped enormously better.

Is your wife on any medication at all that could be imbalancing her moods?

In the end he was too frightened of my massive hormonal surges to tell me he had counselling on his own.

But it was the best thing for him to do for his own safety and peace of mind.

I would seek your own counselling.

In the meantime be mindful your wife is going through massive hormonal highs and lows. I was the least maternalistic person until pregnancy. It is something that is incredibly hard to relate to unless you have been pregnant yourself. Don;t be too hard on yourself. At least you are asking for help. That sounds like a loving husband and ignore the judgements.

Please take responsibility for your contracception. I mean that in the kindest way.

You cannot change your wife only be there on a practical level.

Even if it just gives you some time to offload your stress or organise the next steps please get some real life counselling. It may get harder before it gets better but i does get better.

This too shall pass.

p.s this isn't all on you. It just feels like ot right now. The family judging is not helping. Cut them out if they are not helping on a practical level.

Don't bottle it up keep talking if you need to.

Well op, your wife is doing 126 hour weeks. New mums don't get more than 6 hours sleep if they're lucky and they don't get a break. Who does all the housework and the shopping etc? What do you mean when you say you soend 40 hours looking after the kids? Because her wanting to split means that she thinks her life will be easier that way. So she thinks that you either will have to do more when you have the kids, or she doesn't have to look after an adult as well.

I have 4 kids close in age and even when I had a baby, a toddler, a preschooler and a young school kid, I found it easier when my ex was away on business than when he was home. He just added to my load. I had to do his washing, I had to cook for him (always a separate meal to the kids' one), he snored so my sleep was crap when he was around.

@Sakurami so your life was easier when your DH wasn’t there because you had a bit less washing to do? OPs wife is being mentally abusive and blackmailing him and you liken it to the time you had 4 small children and an extra load of washing? 😂

[quote RussianSpy101]@Sakurami so your life was easier when your DH wasn’t there because you had a bit less washing to do? OPs wife is being mentally abusive and blackmailing him and you liken it to the time you had 4 small children and an extra load of washing? 😂[/quote]
Yes, when you're on your knees looking after a baby, toddlers and children and not only are you not getting any help from the other capable adult, but he's adding to your load, then damn right it is hard. The op's wife is telling him he's not helping and he says he helps 40 hours with the kids. It may not be the case with the op, and I'm sorry if it isn't, but in my experience with myself and plenty of other women, many men do not even touch the surface of what needs doing and usually add to the load, not help.

My life was easier when he wasn't around. The op's wife obviously feels the same.

Well Sakurami assuming 6 hours sleep then 126 hours in the week
Op does 40 hours and 40 hours or more working
So minimum 80 /86.
And maybe she gets more sleep than 6 hours, you’re just guessing

Anyway another typically ridiculous and unhelpful post from you which hopefully the will treat with the contempt it deserves

@Wherearemymarbles

Well Sakurami assuming 6 hours sleep then 126 hours in the week Op does 40 hours and 40 hours or more working So minimum 80 /86. And maybe she gets more sleep than 6 hours, you’re just guessing

Anyway another typically ridiculous and unhelpful post from you which hopefully the will treat with the contempt it deserves

Why is it unhelpful? The man is saying he is doing 80 hours and can't do more. The op's wife is likely doing 40+ more hours on top of the 80 hours. And you know yourself when you are working, you can get your work done without having 2 kids wanting your attention, crying, needing something.

So why am I being unhelpful when the OP's wife is clearly saying he isn't doing enough? And leaving him would make her life easier. Because she must know. If he was truly being helpful and pulling his weight, then she would find life without him harder.