5 week old baby. wife wants a divorce :(

[wallabyjack]

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

You can go for 50/50 but if like the UK, not for a long time for the newborn as it isn't usually in their best interests to be separated from their primary caregiver.

You said the marriage was great and also rocky before. She might have PND but you said she's difficult to maintain a relationship with anyway.

Can I take it that you had unprotected sex because you wanted intimacy and she refused birth control because she wanted a third child? That's definitely half your fault but the blackmail if I'm correct is on her.

It's not a healthy relationship. I would support her as much as possible for now as she's just had a baby but begin preparations to split.

[quote Sillawithans]@EarringsandLipstick I couldn't agree more with you.
If a man needs help, mumsnet is not the place to ask for it.[/quote]
Well, yeah. It's MUMSnet. So you have a lot of women here with a lot of collective experience of shitty, manipulative, controlling men. Women who have heard "my wife doesn't understand me" or "my ex is so fucking crazy" enough for it to set alarms bells ringing in our heads.

Of course, none of us know if OP is representing the situation fairly but there are definitely some questionable comments in his post. It's also fair to say that EVERY OP, male or female, gets pulled up on the questionable things they say. Look at literally any aibu for evidence of that. Women on here are told all the time that they have part or sometimes all of the blame to bear for their situations. So I don't think it's fair to dismiss critical questions to OP as sexism.

I do wonder why men post on here, tbh, a website aimed squarely at women. It's like they are seeking some special validation by getting other women to agree their wife is awful. Maybe not in this case, I don't know. But yeah, in short, I agree: mumsnet is not the best place for men to ask for help with their crazy wives/crazy exes.

Having a baby with someone just because you wanted sex was stupid

He didn't say this! See my post above.

Can you not make the distinction between sex as a form of intimacy and love, including having a baby, and just 'sex'? It may not have been a great decision but OP's posts do not say it was just for sex, on its own.

I've been in your wife's position, and agree with the PP that her asking for a divorce is most likely a cry for help and support.

I was so sleep deprived after having our 2nd DC that I couldn't always ask for the help I needed. DH did everything with DC1 and most things around the house, but wouldn't think to top up my water/bring me snacks, check I was okay during the night feeds, tell me I was doing a great job with bf etc. Those are the things I needed the most, and I had a lot of time sitting up at night, rightly or wrongly, getting annoyed about it. I asked him for a divorce when our DC was 5/6wks old.

Please help your wife get some sleep and then ask her what you can do to help her. And then do it, without getting defensive, if you want your family unit to survive. There will be time to talk things through further down the line.

But, at the same time, don't tell her she doesn't know her own mind when she says she wants a divorce. This may well be the last straw for her, and you need to respect her decision.

Well, yeah. It's MUMSnet. So you have a lot of women here with a lot of collective experience of shitty, manipulative, controlling men.

Well, yeah. Including me.

However MUMSnet as you term it, is home to many who are not parents, and not women.

The OP may be some or all of these things. But we only have his posts to go on. As with every other poster.

So to jump to outlandish vile claims that it's all his fault, he's lying, he is abusive, he had a baby just because he wanted a shag is deeply unfair and complete misandry.

I agree: mumsnet is not the best place for men to ask for help with their crazy wives/crazy exes.

He hasn't called her crazy.

He's posted from a place of despair.

Could he at least get some benefit of the doubt?

So to jump to outlandish vile claims that it's all his fault, he's lying, he is abusive, he had a baby just because he wanted a shag is deeply unfair and complete misandry.

I must have missed those posts. Although the last point - he literally says himself he agreed to have a baby because he wanted sex. So that's on him.

Could he at least get some benefit of the doubt?

He's getting plenty of that from lots of people on this thread. He's also getting a few people who are somewhat raising their metaphorical eyebrows at things he's said. I think that's fairly balanced. If a woman had posted what he'd posted, I'd think she'd be getting much the same balance of some supportive comments, and some asking wtf.

She needs professional help, more than a quick visit to the gp. Is she possibly a threat to herself or others? Could she cope with the kids alone? Pnd is commonplace but it varies a lot so you need to ensure it's not dismissed

Post natal depression, again with this child.
Your family members sound horrible, and you don’t really seem to realise how having a baby can effect women, even after having the same problems each time.

Get help for her.

It sounds like postnatal depression. I was like that wanting my own space etc really bad rage and sobbing hysterically. I'm not sure what to say but I hope this shall pass. Has she ever been on antidepressants? Atleast you understand her. My husband was an idiot who couldn't understand me, help me or comfort me. He went crying to his mother all the time.

But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

Ante and Post-Natal Depression and even Ante and Post-Natal psychosis are well-documented and treatable mental illnesses. Even if she has neither of these, what she does have is an idiot of a partner who is actively making her life more difficult.
Stop making this about you - help her, pull your weight (and hers, as far as you can), let her sleep and recover from birth, protect her from your awful parents, and if she is still unwell, help her find treatment. You should do this even if she DOES want to still go through with the divorce because these are your children as much as hers and as the mother of her children, you have a moral obligation to help her get well so she can be the best mother possible, if nothing else.

Get help for her

She has refused all offers of help.

raising their metaphorical eyebrows at things he's said.

That would be fine.

He's been attacked, using truly horrible language. That's a bit more than a 'metaphorical eyebrow' 🙄

@beastlyslumber

So to jump to outlandish vile claims that it's all his fault, he's lying, he is abusive, he had a baby just because he wanted a shag is deeply unfair and complete misandry.

I must have missed those posts. Although the last point - he literally says himself he agreed to have a baby because he wanted sex. So that's on him.

Well, re-read the thread then, as they are there in clear sight.

I've explained - twice - using OP's own words that saying he was desperate for sex / intimacy isn't the same as saying he agreed to have a baby to get sex.

It's clear it's more nuanced. He felt a baby was possibly a wrong move but was desperate to connect with his wife who wanted one.

Sounds like PND to me. I also had this and was convinced my husband and I would be divorced. She needs help. You need to provide it. I saw from your post that your mental health is also shaky at the moment. Right now your wife needs your help.
If your wife won’t go to the doctors you can. Explain what is going on and start the ball rolling with help for her.

I'd be giving her what she wants and not looking back, if she won't get help that's on her.

So often I come on threads like these posts by a man and agree while heartedly with @EarringsandLipstick .

So many vile comments. OP would not have posted if he wasn't seeking help and support for him and his wife. Tearing him down, questioning his story, filling in blanks is not helpful.

OP you have my sympathy. I was a wreck postnatally and blamed my DH for a lot of things which in hindsight we're my own fears and anxieties. We are due number 2 soon and I have sought antenatal support to prepare me for how I know I'm going to be feeling. At the time, it felt totally rational to feel that way but looking back, I can't believe I said some of the things I did!

It doesn't matter what you "explain" Earrings I'm going by what the man literally said himself. If that's not what he meant, maybe he could explain what he did mean.

Yeah I wouldn’t - gently or otherwise - suggest that she’s feeling like this because of her hormones. It may well be true, but in that moment all she will hear is that she’s crazy and irrational due to being a woman, and that’s not the message you want to land.

Tell her you are going to support her with the children either way, that you’re going to help her with getting back to her pre-kids self whatever that takes, whether it’s divorce, counselling, medication or just time. But that this is not the time for making life changing choices. At 5 weeks the focus should be inwards on all the children to make sure they’re secure and well taken care of. Presuming you’re at work for most of the day OP then most of that may fall to her, but when you get home encourage her to take an hour or two for herself, whether to nap or go for a walk, or have a bath etc just to reset from spending a whole day tethered to a baby. She has lost herself to being a mum, and it’s only a few years down the road that she might realise the extent of that. She could also be a monumental bitch, but chances are if she’s lovely when not post partum then her issues are clearly related to motherhood in general. If she honestly believes she’d be happier not seeing her kids 50% of the time and not having to deal with you on top of them, you have to take a long hard look at why. Most mums who are unhappy with their partner still want their children with them as much as possible. The fact that she doesn’t says to me that motherhood is robbing her of herself. Ideally she needs to get back into work if she’s a stay at home mum, and the PP’s suggestion of getting a nanny and home help being cheaper than divorce is spot on. Pay for everything that you can possibly outsource to take the pressure off. Allow her to come back to being her, with kids, not just mum. Being a mum doesn’t make you feel sexy or interesting or in any way worthy to the outside world. You know your kids love you and that means the world, but it fucks with your sense of self. And it sounds like that’s what’s happened to her. She’s so angry and sad and defensive because her whole world has been rocked by the arrival of these small people in quick succession. And she probably thought they’d fix everything but then when they don’t she’s crushed by the weight of it. And like childbirth itself, she forgets the hard parts and decides to try it again and again in the vain hope something different will happen. I agree with you getting a vasectomy btw but this should be a decision you make in a few months together, not at the moment while she’s already feeling that her life is out of control. For some of us - a bit like self harm - we take the only control we can when backed into a corner and blow things up in an explosive way. I’ve seen the fallout from this very recently and then the regret when she realised she just wanted it all back to the way it was. Sadly by that point he’d moved on with someone else, so she was left regretful and lonely, suicidal at points, because it hadn’t changed anything for the better.

She is not your responsibility to fix, but you can certainly support her to fix herself, which is the point of a partner after all.

And anyone comparing how this woman is being treated to how a man would be talked about on here can fuck off. When a man has gone through 9 months of hormonal upheaval, having his privates shredded and pushed a bowling ball out of his arse, then spent 5 weeks getting no sleep and being on call 24:7, within a society where it’s common place for men to have to do this with little to no support from the women they live with, we’ll talk about how unfair it all is. Whether this particular man does his fair share only the two of them can decide - we all know that men tend to overstate how much they do and women tend to understate the time they spend on domestic chores when they think they’re pulling their weight so excuse me for not taking Op’s account as gospel.

@EarringsandLipstick

As for everyone who is kicking the OP when he is down, shame on you.

Well said @witchofthenorth

Agree with this 100% (and with @EarringsandLipstick and @Bluntness100). There are some disgusting replies on here.

@DeadoftheMoon

Don't come to me complaining about your wife. You were desperate for sex? Then she's pregnant? Have you heard of condoms? The ancient Egyptians used them, so not exactly a new idea.

I read a lot there about what your family wanted. You have three children but they and your wife are not 'your family' yet?

Does your wife have proper mental health care? Your post reads as if she's left to deal with her PND/post-partum (?) psychosis or whatever it is on her own.

If she wants rid of you, facilitate that. She has three babies, she doesn't need an adult-sized one as well. If you decide to stay, get yourself a vasectomy asap, and her some effective mental health care. Organise some domestic help and childcare. Today is a good day to step up, stop whining and get on with the job.

Don't come to me

🙄🙄

If only the OP had thought to start a thread on a public forum, instead of personally coming to you with his problems...

She is struggling.
Stand up and help her.

I'd move out and ntil you know she is stable, keep the children with you

Yes you were wrong to give in to her demands but we don't know how persistent/toxic/abusive she was with this ...

It's clear she needs help badly. It's also clear she has previously refused help. Neither you nor your children should suffer for her refusal.

I don't know how it works in your state but can she be put on a psych hold for 24/48/72... hours for evaluation? Realistically based on her previous ways, chances are it's nothing to do with pregnancy related MH but even so, an evaluation may show up something and force her to realise she needs help.

Get the space for you + kids and go from there.

Please don't make any life-changing decisions while she is in such a volatile state. Clearly she needs some PND support - that irrational rage is definitely a form of PND. If she gets the right medication she will become again the person she really ism, not the one governed by hormonal imbalance.

I am sorry for you all. It's very tough but can be changed through medication.