5 week old baby. wife wants a divorce :(

[wallabyjack]

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

She is exhausted and post natal. Sit down at a quiet moment with her and say that you don't think the two of you should make any major decisions like separating at such an early stage when she's bound to be feeling upset and the pressure. Life needs to settle first and five weeks post natal is not the time. Tell her you will respect her decision if she doesn't change her mind but that it's better you are there to support with the other two while you have a newborn. Then seek counselling.

What kind of birth did she have? Any birth trauma still to work through?

Do you do anything other than the childcare? That is a basic minimum with a newborn in the house? Do you help with the washing making food, planning dinners and snacks for the eldest? Do you organise play dates for them etc? Do you remember when their medical and dental appts are? Are you making sure there's always a fresh stock of nappies?

Finally, I have to say, if you consented to a child just to get laid that is pathetic and deeply unfair to mother and child

I understand…!

why did to have a 3rd child? Stupid post since the child is here and can't be put back. Op needs advice now

I can sympathise as baby hormones and sleep deprivation make me crazy. I would suggest a night nanny and cleaner ( expensive but cheaper than a divorce) and dedicated time for her to decompress in a tidy house daily. She needs sleep. As do you obviously. It may be that you end up separating but now is not the time. I don't think you can make a fair assessment of any relationship in the first year of a new baby. Also if I was her I would avoid hormonal contraception and consider breastfeeding term as both made me crazy.

Absolutely right @Sakurami

So you've had help for your depression but your wife hasn't had help with hers?
You say your wife says you don't lift a finger but that's not true because you look after the children do you do any housework? Are you saying you look after the children 40 hours a week and your wife is not there?
You said a couple of times that your family said you should abort the baby, well uts really nothing to do with them.
Also wtf to you went along with having another child because you wanted a shag.

Oh and try looking up the effect pregnancy has on a woman's body and then you might get a little insight into why she turns into a hormonal monster that's like "pms on steriods".

@lboogy

why did to have a 3rd child? Stupid post since the child is here and can't be put back. Op needs advice now

Because he wanted sex basically.

Why is she not on antidepressants? Guessing you're in the US as you mentioned 'interstate' what ever that means...

If a woman came on here saying she was being blackmailed and bullied by her DH, you’d all tell her to LTB.
Because it’s a man, of course it’s all his fault.

Your wife is an adult so it’s not all on you OP. Has your wife tried sorting any help for her PND?
Has she not considered contraception?
Did she not realise 3 children would be more work than 2?
Did she not realise she would be tired from a newborn, a labour and night feeds.. again?

Sounds like she was blackmailing you by saying I’ll only have sex if you let me have another child. She knows what she’s like after she’s had a baby but chose to become that person again. That’s on her, not you OP.

I would give her what she wants. Divorce her and share the DC 50/50. Them being young won’t prevent you seeing them. I think you’d both be happier apart.

@PamDenick

First of all, calm down. You are a family in crisis. Can all the bullying extended family be cut off. How dare they suggest a termination. Ignore that, the child is here. Is yourwife receiving ongoing medical support? She is only a few weeks post delivery so won’t have even nave it to her six week check yet. Do they even do that in the states? (You sound America?) The six week check will often uncover post delivery crisis. You say that you have recently moved. Who’s idea was that? Yours? And why? Does your wife have any support network? How was all the mental load shared out? Registering with doctors, schools etc? Forget about talk of divorce. What your wife needs is support, support, support. So you are in the couch. Big deal. There is a tiny new born in the house. Suck it up for a little while. Is your wife breastfeeding? Support her. She needs rest, decent food, the other two taking out in the fresh air. Stop Minangkabau and man up.

For God's sake. What an appalling post, excusing what appears to be strongly abusive behaviour by OP's wife

Having a baby is no excuse. OP is already - by his own account, which is all we have - going a significant amount of care & household work.

Berating him for not 'sucking it up' is disgraceful.

@DeadoftheMoon

Don't come to me complaining about your wife. You were desperate for sex? Then she's pregnant? Have you heard of condoms? The ancient Egyptians used them, so not exactly a new idea.

I read a lot there about what your family wanted. You have three children but they and your wife are not 'your family' yet?

Does your wife have proper mental health care? Your post reads as if she's left to deal with her PND/post-partum (?) psychosis or whatever it is on her own.

If she wants rid of you, facilitate that. She has three babies, she doesn't need an adult-sized one as well. If you decide to stay, get yourself a vasectomy asap, and her some effective mental health care. Organise some domestic help and childcare. Today is a good day to step up, stop whining and get on with the job.

Another disgusting post.

It is possible for there to be fault on both sides, but abusing this poster just because he's a man is horrible.

His DW wanted a third baby. He agreed. It may not have been the right decision but it's not merely his fault. It was a mutually made decision.

Seeking help is often EXTREMELY difficult and ever recognising one is suffering pnd is hugely difficult for many women

And what about the wider situation where she said counselling was a waste of time, and would not engage?

That was not linked to PND.

I'm sure the situation is more nuanced than presented here. But please stop trying to lay all the blame at OP's door & make his W into a complete victim.

@Thatsplentyjack

What a disgraceful post.

'He wanted a shag'. He wanted intimacy & to connect with his wife. It may not have been the wisest decision but she wanted a 3rd child. He felt it was the right thing for do at the time.

Seriously where do you get off abusing someone who has asked for help?

@WheresMyCycle

Why is she not on antidepressants? Guessing you're in the US as you mentioned 'interstate' what ever that means...

Surely you can work out what 'interstate' means? The clue is in the word.

@EarringsandLipstick
😂👏👏👏

I standby my post.
I do not think it is disgusting.

A post Partum woman who is yelling ‘I want a divorce’ is actually yelling ‘I want love, support, sleep, care, consideration, nutrition, practical help, comfort, emotion help etc etc...’

And for her DH (and others) to be asking questions as to WHY she had a third child when that third child is lying there in front of her in all its newborn glory need to shut the f@#k up.

OP if you love your family, as you claim you do, please support her as best you can right now...

[quote EarringsandLipstick]@Thatsplentyjack

What a disgraceful post.

'He wanted a shag'. He wanted intimacy & to connect with his wife. It may not have been the wisest decision but she wanted a 3rd child. He felt it was the right thing for do at the time.

Seriously where do you get off abusing someone who has asked for help?[/quote]
Domt be so ridiculous. There are entries of ways to be ose to someone that don't involve sex. That's exactly what it bouls down to. This woman is clearly struggling and no one is helping her, yet OP has is on anti depressants for his depression, but hey he looks after his children gor 40 hours a week (oddly specific) so he's absolved from any other responsibilities in the house.

I feel for you Op.

You both knew she would likely become this person after giving birth, as that's what happened before. And it's happened.

Does she have any calmer, more rational moments, when you can discuss the fact that she's gone throught his before, and with help she will hopefully be more herself in time? That you don't want to burn your bridges as it could currently be hormones / PND talking, and not the real her?

I would make those points clearly to her, tell her that you love her and want to stay together, and support her through what must be a terrible time for her as well.

Ultimately though, if she wants to split there isn't very much you can do about it. You will still be dad to your 3 children, and will need to agree a fair (to the children and you both) parenting plan.

You said 'I love my family for what it represents'. What does that mean? Do you love your wife? I understand that you've had a few rocky years and that love may have gone. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to stay together because you love your wife, or because you love the idea of your family?

OP this is a very difficult situation which seems long-standing & probably multi-layered.

Your wife has refused to engage with counselling before. However I think now you need to ask her to do it again, along with a visit to your GP to assess any possible PND.

If she refuses, I think very sadly you have no choice but to leave.

I had an abusive husband who put me through hell, and was particularly difficult after the birth of our 3rd child. I was desperate to keep our family together. We had tried counselling on a previous occasion. My H went with it but ultimately not engage. He told the counsellor ultimately that he'd done it to 'change me' as he didn't need to. (She was 😲). I asked him to attend counselling with me again after 3rd baby. I said it was that or separate. He did. It was pointless & fizzled out. In fact he used it as another way to abuse me. Over the following two years, I lived in hell. He eventually left Whig the youngest was 2.

I wish he'd left sooner. As hard as it would have been with a 4, 2, newborn, it would have saved me two years of prolonged financial, emotional and ultimately physical abuse.

Sometimes there aren't solutions. You may have to separate & focus on bringing up your children, between you.

*And what about the wider situation where she said counselling was a waste of time, and would not engage?

That was not linked to PND.*

It's extremely difficult to engage when you are in the depths of pnd, and sometimes no amount of counselling is going to help, and if no one around you can recognise that you are struggling with a mental illness, not even a counselor, well you're pretty much fucked. She probably doesn't even realise herself.

As you mentioned that she chabges when she has a baby, have you tried talking to your health visitor? Is she taking any medication or getting any health support?
In the previous two pregnancies, how long did she take to get back to herself?
If you unfortunatelly end up divorcing, yes, you are likely to get to see your children 50/50.
If your relationship does not improve, it is actually better, because the time the children spend with you they are with your calm true self, not with someone who just had another argument, and feels sad and frustrated all the time.

A post Partum woman who is yelling ‘I want a divorce’ is actually yelling ‘I want love, support, sleep, care, consideration, nutrition, practical help, comfort, emotion help etc etc...’

Give me a break!

A post-partum woman is still an adult.

She can say what she needs. If she is suffering from PND, she needs help of course.

However, most women can manage to organise some elements of their own care & nutrition.

Equally, have you ignored the entire back story of the relationship & her refusal to engage in working on that?

I appreciate we are hearing only one side here but that's always the case with any post. Abusing the OP in the guise of supporting women is a disgrace.

@Thatsplentyjack

Your post is so badly written is hard to read.

However, he decided with his wife to have a baby. It may have been the wrong decision, but they both decided. (Many people wondered after my marriage ended why I had had 3 DC when the problems were evident much sooner).

There is a much wider context than 'is he only looking after the DC for 40 hours & not doing any other household chores'

She rejected counselling. This is a relationship in crisis, likely with fault on both sides. But making everting OP's fault & selectively picking points is wrong.