5 week old baby. wife wants a divorce :(

[wallabyjack]

we had our 3rd child 5 weeks ago. My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy but we didnt. So here we are. With a 3 and 5 year old already and our 3rd baby at 44.

My wife and I had a great relationship before kids. But whenever she became pregnant, and especially post natally, she turns into a different person (unrecognisable in fact) for reasons I will never know. Imagine PMS on steroids, with sleep deprivation.

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex, so at 44 we have our 3rd child now. My family members warned me against keeping the 3rd as we had a rocky relationship with just the 2 kids.

About 1 week after the recent birth, she turned into this raging, angry, irrational critical monster and now I cannot do anything wrong. I am back sleeping on the couch, and our other 2 kids are playing up BIG time, screaming and seemingly anxious at their situation. We recently reloated interstate which doesnt help.

I am literally in hell.

She says I dont lift a finger (not true) I am inconsiderate and an ass. In reality I look after the other 2 kids about 40 hours a week, more than my fulltime job. I am exhausted. She is more so.

She says she cant do this anymore and wants us to divorce. She wants 50/50 and says the issues cannot be fixed. We tried counselling in the past but gave up, as the counsellor said my wife is "unable to see any point of view except her own". My wife ended the sessions last time citing a waste of time.

I have been on antidepressants since our second child, triggered by the unhappy relationship and the negativity and criticisms.

We are 5 weeks in and she is threatening. What do I do? I am so over this abuse and anger, but I love my family for what it represents, and with kids so young. would i really get regular time with them if we separate

How long should I give it? I am so worried about destroying the potential that our family unit will get back to its old self....

help!

@Thatsplentyjack

*And what about the wider situation where she said counselling was a waste of time, and would not engage?

That was not linked to PND.*

It's extremely difficult to engage when you are in the depths of pnd, and sometimes no amount of counselling is going to help, and if no one around you can recognise that you are struggling with a mental illness, not even a counselor, well you're pretty much fucked. She probably doesn't even realise herself.

You are wildly guessing there.

She may not have PND at all.

There's no suggestion that counselling happened during a period she might have had.
Of course she could have. But you are guessing this. Regardless,PND or any form of depression doesn't excuse abusing someone else.

Wow some of these responses. If the genders were reversed she’d be getting told to get rid.

But becayse he is male it’s all his fault. Wow.

That sounds awful OP. I am sorry. Forget about talk of termination it is completely inappropriate from this point on. Imagine your child’s position in this, in 20 years being the child that should have been terminated. That needs to stop immediately.

So accepting the situation as it is

You have 3 children under 5 including a very newborn.
Your wife has some form of post natal condition.
Your 2 older children have needs.
Your newborn has high needs by virtue of being a newborn.
Your wife is abusive (possibly always but) certainly post natal.

Your options:

1. Stay and try to fully deal with the abusive situation - only possible if your wife fully accepts that she is being abusive.
2. Stay in the shorter to medium term to get this post natal phase over with a medium term plan made to split.
3. Split now and ensure your kids are as safe as possible in the split - possibly 100% with you in the short term while your wife goes through the post natal PMS stage.

You probably need to document your wife’s behaviours and let who ever does post natal checks/ social services know about her post natal condition because currently if she is unsafe for you it needs to be determined if she is unsafe for your children. That is of paramount importance here.

OP's post isn't fully clear but it sounds like the relationship issues are not confined to the postpartum period. Their relationship seems unhappy all the time, since DC.

I think OP needs to honestly ask her to get medical help first, and then take it from there.

If she has PND and it is affecting her so severely, the first step is to try to address that.

@Bluntness100

Wow some of these responses. If the genders were reversed she’d be getting told to get rid.

But becayse he is male it’s all his fault. Wow.

Yes. It's shocking.

I don't dispute that it's possible there's another side to all this.

But writing such vile posts, inserting aspects that they can't know, accusing OP of just wanting a shag - it's a disgrace. 😡

@DeadoftheMoon

Don't come to me complaining about your wife. You were desperate for sex? Then she's pregnant? Have you heard of condoms? The ancient Egyptians used them, so not exactly a new idea.

I read a lot there about what your family wanted. You have three children but they and your wife are not 'your family' yet?

Does your wife have proper mental health care? Your post reads as if she's left to deal with her PND/post-partum (?) psychosis or whatever it is on her own.

If she wants rid of you, facilitate that. She has three babies, she doesn't need an adult-sized one as well. If you decide to stay, get yourself a vasectomy asap, and her some effective mental health care. Organise some domestic help and childcare. Today is a good day to step up, stop whining and get on with the job.

This is awful. He didn’t come to you, who do you think you are thay you think posting on mumsnet means he’s coming to you.

And as for the rest of it. There are no words.

Sounds like you need a huge hug! It also sounds like both of you need 'you' time (independently) and 'us' time. Never regret your 5 month old - you both decided and he/she is another beautiful life.

I can relate to the creature your partner turned into. I'm pretty sure that had been me for a few years... (I came out the other side by having lots of 'me' time, and a very patient partner whom always let me know I was loved. What we really needed was family help, but we didn't have any.)
Have you had a conversation (without children around) of exactly what your partner needs and what support she needs from you? And what you need from your partner?
It sounds like you want to stay and try to make it work, so what can you do to make it work? Does your partner know you are serious about wanting to try to stay together?

I have no words. Some of these posts are just awful!

OP I feel for you I really do, but sadly I think ultimately divorce may be the best option. For both of you.

We have only your side here and I am sure your wife would give a completely different story, but by your post this relationship is toxic.

As for everyone who is kicking the OP when he is down, shame on you.

As for everyone who is kicking the OP when he is down, shame on you.

Well said @witchofthenorth

Your wife says she wants a divorce and to split child care 50/50.

What can you do? Split up and arrange 50/50 child care. That's literally what she's asked you for and that seems fair to me. You say you're depressed and unhappy. You describe your wife as some kind of a monster. You say she doesn't listen to you or anyone else.

You say you love your family "for what it represents." I can't think what you mean by this except "how it makes me look."

So it's over. Like some pp I'm not totally convinced by your version of events, but it doesn't really matter because it's 100% clear that your relationship is 100% over.

OP - my husband would have described me in a similar way in the months following the birth of each of our children. I suffered from post natal PND with OCD and severe health anxiety. He bore the brunt of my completely irrational behaviour and it was indeed very difficult for him. It took me a full year each time to return to being myself, even with support and counselling. It was definitely at least partly hormonal, I don't suffer these feelings anymore and our marriage has survived.

You can't "leave" your wife now, it's not the time for huge decisions. She is vulnerable and not coping, how will being alone with three very small children help her at this point in time? You do need to give her space and to get some support in place for both of you quick smart. Ask her what she wants from you, listen to everything she says calmly (even if it sounds like a criticism or a demand) and show her that you empathise with her. This will go a long way, trust me.

Do you have a spare bedroom? If so, move in there for now, willingly, and tell her the reason is so that she can have personal space. Don't complain to anyone about being kicked out of the bedroom, be a grown up about it.

Do you have relatives of friends that your wife trusts who can come to help to give both of you a break while you take a child free walk? I found that waking outside, even for a short while, completely unwound my anxiety. If not, you need to step up and take the kids out for periods of time to allow her time and space.

for reasons I will never know
This is an odd thing to say as you mention two of the most obvious reasons why she acts out of character in the same breath: hormones and exhaustion. And like everyone else on this thread, you must surely be aware of PND.
But if you say this, do you mean you think there could be some other reason - something your wife does not want to admit to you - or that it's just her weird way and thus inexplicable?

@Sakurami
Because in my experience, when men think they help, it is such a tiny useless drop in the ocean of what needs doing that it isn't any help and actually dealing with them just adds to a workload

Wow. Imagine if a guy said that with gender reversed...massively unbalanced.

@EarringsandLipstick, my phone is fucked so I do apologise for the badly written post that you are having trouble understanding.
He went along with having a baby he didn't want because he wanted to have sex. That's really all there is too that, no matter how much you want to argue.
I honestly can't even be bothered to read the rest of what you have written because I know I won't agree with any of it, so there's just no point.
There is clearly more to this than just that the wife has all of a sudden turned in to some monstrous bitch. She wasn't like this before so something had changed.

Wow. Imagine if a guy said that with gender reversed...massively unbalanced.

If a guy said that it would generally be a load of shit.

Thanks to those who left a kind response.
To clarify :

• the comment about termination of the pregnancy was in the first trimester and made in private to me as my parents were worried she had a history of profound mood change during previous pregnancys
• I regret my decision badly but I was craving affection and intimacy after 18 months of no sexual contact and loneliness. Keep in mind that when my wife is normal, she is great.
• the change in my wife can only be described as two different people. It's not even the same person post natal.
• she refuses counselling and screams whenever I suggest she might be suffering pnd
• we are Australian based.

He went along with having a baby he didn't want because he wanted to have sex.

No, he didn't.

Can you not read?

Here's what he actually said

She decided she wanted a 3rda year ago but I was hesitatant....but I was desperate for intimacy/sex,

So yes, he mentions sex, but not just as a 'shag', instead as a part of normal intimacy with your spouse, a way of connecting & showing love, which both sex, and having a baby, is. It's so clear in his sentence as well as his wider post, that it wasn't just 'oh great a chance for a shag', it was much deeper than that.

Where do you get off with your insulting demeaning comments about someone in distress?

honestly can't even be bothered to read the rest of what you have written because I know I won't agree with any of it, so there's just no point.

And that says it all.

You've invented a narrative that suits you & your wildly invented notions.

You're not open to either what the OP has written or anyone else's viewpoint.

What a surprise

She wasn't like this before so something had changed.

She has been like this since they began having DC.

They went to counselling (so he was trying to address it). She wouldn't engage.

She may well be in mental or emotional difficulty. But taking no responsibility and treating OP like shit, isn't ok.

Having read your update OP, it sounds so difficult.

If your wife won't agree to counselling or support, your options are limited.

Has she family she trusts that could talk to her? Offer her support?

It must be desperately hard for her but that is not to mitigate how hard it is for you.

The counselling you had, was that in a postpartum period? Does she recover and return to her usual self at a certain point post-pregnancy? Because you say she wasn't willing to engage in that process at all either?

But you say she does have periods of being 'normal' [just using your word here but recognise that it's possibly unfair to suggest that having PND makes her, by implication, 'abnormal']

@EarringsandLipstick I couldn't agree more with you.
If a man needs help, mumsnet is not the place to ask for it.

@wallabyjack

Thanks to those who left a kind response. To clarify :

• the comment about termination of the pregnancy was in the first trimester and made in private to me as my parents were worried she had a history of profound mood change during previous pregnancys
• I regret my decision badly but I was craving affection and intimacy after 18 months of no sexual contact and loneliness. Keep in mind that when my wife is normal, she is great.
• the change in my wife can only be described as two different people. It's not even the same person post natal.
• she refuses counselling and screams whenever I suggest she might be suffering pnd
• we are Australian based.

So why bring up the nasty comment about termination now? If it was made in private then surely it should be kept that way. I imagine your wife could be very hurt that you are still holding on to this idea, and I'm really not sure why you are.

Having a baby with someone just because you wanted sex was stupid and honestly I don't see why people are defending you on that one. I'm surprised your wife wanted another baby with you, given the problems you describe in your marriage.

"When my wife is normal" - normal? You say she's like a completely different person at the moment. But prior to the pregnancy you say there was no intimacy and you were unhappy. So maybe she has PND but it sounds like the problems in your marriage were there for a long time.

She "screams" when you mention PND? She literally screams? Wow. Well, one possibility is that she's insane. The other is that she just wants you to leave her alone. She's told you clearly that she wants a divorce, your problems have been going on for years, counselling is not an option for her and you're not happy... I don't get why you are asking about what you should do here. You should respect what your wife is asking, and divorce her.

I really feel for you @wallabyjack but when I was young, my mother was super-critical, prone to violent rages and generally abusive. My childhood was pretty awful as a result and it has affected my adult life too.

Although I can completely see why you would want out, I think you might need to stay for a bit for your DCs' safety.

Er on your op you say the comment was NOT “made in private” just to you by your parents

You say

* My close family members told us we should have terminated the pregnancy *

If you didn’t want another child there are a number of steps you could have taken to ensure you didn’t have one. You took none of them. Being desperate for physical affection doesn’t stop you from getting a vasectomy or using a condom.

You’ve also stated multiple times that your family didn’t think you should have a third baby. I find this strange. Why did they think they had a say in the matter?

This whole situation is odd. Your wife thinks you don’t lift a finger but that’s untrue? Really? How much housework are you doing?