Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner's surprise

177 replies

Sunnycat · 19/11/2021 23:21

I have met this lovely guy off tinder and things have been going really well. Only problem is he's just told me he's a virgin!! He's 32 and real shy and he's says that he's never been in a position to do the deed. I'm 28 how do I approch this or do I just run now??

OP posts:
musicalfrog · 02/12/2021 06:20

Surely 'practice' is the more appropriate word? We were all a bit shit at it to start with right?

Danceswithwhippets · 02/12/2021 06:25

@StarlightLady

And l was criticised for daring to use the term “training”. Just saying. 🤔
Never make the mistake of thinking MN posters are good at appreciating irony or even humour!

Whether it's a situation of a woman taking up with a virgin man, or vice versa, it's up to the more experienced partner to guide and teach the other. "Train", even.

But it's a pity if OP dumps him after a couple of less than great shags.

musicalfrog · 02/12/2021 07:46

I remember 'coaching' a guy in college how to kiss properly, he was way over zealous so I told him to slow down a bit. Literally just one thing but it worked. And I think if they're a good kisser the rest follows.

Tempnamezzzzzzz · 02/12/2021 07:55

NC but regular poster.
I am seeing someone who is very inexperienced. He didn’t make any moves on me after several despite being obviously attracted to me. It puzzled when we did start physical contact -kissing etc that he was like a virgin. He also seemed to be avoiding opportunities for sex -eg arranging outings for me with his friends etc rather than alone (shared hobby, not OLD. After a few weeks things went further we did have sex but he had ED etc and was very shy, despite being very good looking with a great body and a lovely person. He is divorced by the way so even more odd.
Things got better with the sex and now completely normal and very satisfying (5 months in). He finally explained that he had been a virgin until he met his wife aged 29 but she didn’t like sex so they only had sex a few timesnd he has not had sex since their daughter was born 20 years ago. He had no confidence as a result and has dated since their divorce but not had sex with any of the women as nervous about ED so they fizzle out after a few dates.
Seems like a tall tale but totally in line with what I have observed.
Luckily met him through mutual friends and shared hobby, orherwise if OLD criteria would have been another failed experience following that same pattern.
An slightly nervous that as am only his second actual physical relationship snd the only one where I actively enjoy a s seek sex that he could become fixated or perhaps see me as a trainer snd then use the expertise to move on but it is lovely in other aspects so will go with it snd enjoy it.

BurbageBrook · 02/12/2021 08:02

I dated a virgin only a few years younger than that. He was just shy. We had sex and it was fine!

ravenmum · 02/12/2021 10:26

I'd also suggest some constructive advice if you like him otherwise. Even if it is just pointing out that there are lots of tips online about how to please your partner, and he needn't be shy about trying them out on you! Or just say things like "do you want to do X, I really like it".

Original poster
Sunnycat · 02/12/2021 16:34

Think problem is that he has watched porn on online and things it's just like that. He can't last anymore than 1 min which makes it more difficult

OP posts:
MissPC · 02/12/2021 18:34

You need to tell him what you want him to do (in a nice way, don’t criticise him). If he can’t last long, just tell him that he needs to please you before the actual sex, ask him to touch you a certain way, request oral etc. It’s too early to give up!

LightSpeeds · 02/12/2021 19:29

My previous partner was over 40 and had only had sex once before me (and he was VERY shy).

So I was really (happily) surprised that he was a really good kisser and very good in bed (although he didn't look like he would be).

You do learn by experience but, for some people, it comes naturally! So you can't always judge by looking at someone or by how much experience they've had.

Weesue86 · 02/12/2021 19:49

If he's a nice guy but crap in bed why not get a fwb and have the best of both worlds! It's what I do

Original poster
Sunnycat · 03/12/2021 06:12

@Weesue86

If he's a nice guy but crap in bed why not get a fwb and have the best of both worlds! It's what I do
Really? Does your partner know?

He thinks he's great in bed haven't the heart to tell him otherwise

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 03/12/2021 06:51

My dh was late twenties and had never had a physical relationship before he met me. He was massively shy. He'd had quite a difficult upbringing, think seriously religious and domineering.

Our first few times were over very quickly. But that settled down. But I think the secret is to be honest and say if it's not satisfying you or you're not enjoying it. It's no good for either of you to not have the heart to tell him.

I was very gentle about it and told him that I would find it a huge turn on to show him what really gets me going. I arranged a full weekend where we hardly left bed. He jokes I made a man of him. I bloody did lol!. But yeah lots of touching, massage, getting him to listen to my body with the way I react to certain things. Told him totally forget anything porn related that you think I'm going to like (he was literally like a one minute human jackhammer).

Together over 20 years now and I can safely say he's my best lover by far!

I'd give him some truths, some pointers and some time x

ravenmum · 03/12/2021 09:31

He's done it a handful of times and thinks he's great in bed? Surely anyone would have to be deluded/have an over-inflated ego to come up with that idea? Maybe he's just pretending that so as not to look like he lacks confidence? Or maybe you're assuming that but actually he doesn't think that at all?
If not, then this total lack of insight and common sense would put me off a lot more than his lack of experience.

StarlightLady · 03/12/2021 09:39

OP, what about sticking to some oral only sessions with him? With the key focus on you?

Original poster
Sunnycat · 03/12/2021 18:21

Maybe it is just me thinking he is that

How do you even explain to a guy how to do oral??

OP posts:
Weesue86 · 03/12/2021 21:58

Yea he's ok with it

Yea agree with oral and don't give him any till He pleases you

Weesue86 · 15/01/2022 23:25

Anyone hear a update on this???

ElectraBlue · 16/01/2022 00:08

Some seriously silly comments on this thread...

There is nothing wrong with being inexperienced and it does not mean that a man won't have good 'relationship skills'.

I mean, you read thread after thread on this forum where women complain about men who are players/cheat/can't commit to them and who simply can't maintain healthy relationships...so frankly having had sex with several women does not make you necessarily a man good catch in itself either.

Also having slept with a lot of people does not equal to being a good lover either. I had a brief fling with a male friend who has had many partners other the years and frankly I was shocked at how boring and immature he was when it came to sex...

This man might simply be an introvert, paralysed by shyness or might have had his confidence knocked. If you fancy him then carry on and see how things work out.

To be honest this would not bother me at all and I would prefer a shy guy with little experience who is keen to learn and to please and who is really into me than some arrogant, overconfident man who is a serial shagger and very much focus on himself.

TheGrinchsDog · 16/01/2022 03:32

This is an awful thread from start to finish.

The guy has a bunch of red flags that would have put me off.

The virginity not so much. The way that has been talked about is pretty sickening, agree with a PP that if sexes were reversed this would be given a very different response.

OP So you decided to be selfish and jump this guy (without much chat about what he is comfortable with it seems?), obviously because he is a virgin the sex is not good and he isn't lasting very long.

You don't seem able to talk about sex for some reason. You don't seem willing to help teach him. You don't seem to have great boundaries if you are not getting something out of sex and just letting him 'slap it in' and get his over with quickly... then what roll over and go to sleep unsatisfied and resentful?

If you aren't prepared to put the time in and wait till his skill level catches up a bit then you shouldn't have done the deed in the first place IMO.

If he's worth it as a partner then stick it out till he gets better in bed. For god's sake learn to talk about sex with each other or be doomed to bad sex forever.

curmudgeonly007 · 16/01/2022 07:22

@StarlightLady

And l was criticised for daring to use the term “training”. Just saying. 🤔
That’s because people normally train dogs.. Just saying
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/01/2022 07:34

If you're still reading sunnycat
If you can't talk about the sex you're having, the things you like and the things you want to try, the signs aren't good. Especially if he's not open to tips and asking questions on what works for you given he's so inexperienced.

Original poster
Sunnycat · 16/01/2022 23:01

So we broke up before Christmas😬 it wasn't just the sex but it did play a part. I did try to 'train' him but he would just come the second I touched him or even talked about sex plus he always had a hard on all the time we were together which was just embarrassing when your with the girls. I'm sorry if this makes me a bad person

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 16/01/2022 23:37

What girls?

TheGrinchsDog · 17/01/2022 03:32

@Sunnycat

So we broke up before Christmas😬 it wasn't just the sex but it did play a part. I did try to 'train' him but he would just come the second I touched him or even talked about sex plus he always had a hard on all the time we were together which was just embarrassing when your with the girls. I'm sorry if this makes me a bad person
It doesn't make you a bad person Sunnycat, no one wants a partner who can't control themselves at all.

No one wants to be in a relationship that includes terribly unfulfilling sex.

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who has issues like it seems your guy had outwith the bedroom - the previously mentioned red flags.

What I had a problem with was the general tone of the thread and the fact that you didn't really seem to be thinking about what he would be comfortable with - the consensus was jump him, which horrified me - as a virgin.

There didn't seem to be much discussion before hand which again with a virgin might not be the best way.

You don't seem able to articulate your needs for some reason which is problematic for a couple of reasons.

You didn't really seem to know him all that well - which isn't normally an issue for me when it comes to sex but in this case this guy was a virgin with a bunch of red flags. A bit more getting to know you time and discussion beforehand might have led you to decide not to continue the relationship before you'd ended up doing the deed, which I'm pretty sure you are regretting because it was shite? I'd be regretting it tbh.

I just don't think you thought this through at all because you were so focused on having sex with him. It was preventable and rushed IMO and again if the sexes were reversed I'd be just as shocked at the way someones virginity and the emotions etc around it was dismissed and discussed.

TheGrinchsDog · 17/01/2022 03:34

I think it would be worthwhile to you to be able to discuss sex and your sexual needs with a partner in future. It's going to save you a lot of resentment and frustration, trust me.