New partner's surprise

[Sunnycat]

I have met this lovely guy off tinder and things have been going really well. Only problem is he's just told me he's a virgin!! He's 32 and real shy and he's says that he's never been in a position to do the deed. I'm 28 how do I approch this or do I just run now??

Some of the comments here are awful. We all started somewhere and it's not a competition. Jeez when I think back to my younger experiences I almost wish I hadn't bothered

Only you can decide this one op...is his past experience really a big factor? ... either you want to have sex with him or you don't?
Trust your instincts and if you do decide to go for it maybe remember that experience only comes with practice .

Personally, I think his honesty and trust in you is a good sign.
Good luck

@me4real

I would assume he's not quite right in some way, inhibited, mentally ill or whatever- unless he has some severe disfigurement that is why no one has been willing to shag him before.

Well aren't you lovely? Not quite right in some way, or has some severe disfigurement? What an unpleasant way to describe someone. I was a virgin who'd never had a relationship until I reached my 40s. I'm not inhibited or mentally ill. I am just shy, never had any boys show any interest in me as a teenager, left uni having still not had a boyfriend and the longer I was a virgin/single the more embarrassed I felt about my lack of relationship history which made it feel harder to try to find a relationship, so I didn't really try.

@Lostmyheart101

As others have said, sex isn’t the issue but lack of relationships might be.

It can be frustrating as they do stupid things you learn not to in your late teens, twenty’s.

Would you be able to please let me know what stupid things I should have learnt not to do in my teens and twenties? I'm currently in a nearly 5 year relationship so I assume I haven't made any of these mistakes, but would be good to know what they are.

OP, I'd say don't run. If you like him and he seems lovely, keep seeing him and see how it goes. It will likely have felt like a massive thing telling you he was a virgin so he obviously trusts you. Lack of romantic/sexual relationships doesn't necessarily mean he is emotionally immature. People who have never had a romantic relationship aren't completely isolated from the rest of society - they have close friendships, families, work colleagues etc who they relate to, communicate with, spend time with, learn to compromise with.

Lack of romantic/sexual relationships doesn't necessarily mean he is emotionally immature

Exactly. And someone who has had a string of failed relationships is not exactly a great prospect either.

Op, I wouldn’t let this put you off. Go for it, see what he’s like.

Hi op - I would worry about his virginity - it’s the closeness to his mum that sometimes can be unhealthy. Only time will tell.
You don’t need to sleep with him - see where it goes.

@Sunnycat I just keep thinking about Jamie from Outlander... he looked to be doing an amazing job 😁

A very good friend of mine was a virgin until is early 30s. We lived together in uni for years and stayed close afterwards. He was (still is) a terrific person - funny, caring, hardworking, very good looking too - just never seemed to have any luck with girls and he wasn’t interested in one night stands or casual. Maybe he would have, but he didn’t have the confidence or bravado. His lack of sexual and relationship experience definitely perpetuated the issue, in knocking his confidence even more. He was mortified by it and it definitely made things worse for him. Eventually he did meet a really nice girl at work, and now they live together and all is well. It won’t always be the case that 30yr old virgins are without their issues of course - and I’m sure my friend’s girlfriend had to help him through a lot of his shyness and confidence issues.

I had a relationship with a guy that was a virgin in his early 30s, he had moved here and came from a country that had a culture against sex outside marriage so there wasn’t much opportunity for it. He was very good in bed, sex is something that comes naturally and all you need to be good in bed is be considerate, want to please your partner and try new things. Personally I would love the opportunity to sleep with another 30 + year old virgin!

If you like him, slip his pants off and you know what to do next.

@StarlightLady

If you like him, slip his pants off and you know what to do next.

How do I approach it do I just jump on him?

OP, l wouldn’t approach it any differently to the first time with any other new lover. Lover: being a woman of a certain age (early 40s), l still use dated language.

But do ensure you communicate with him exactly what your needs and expectations are. It’s a learning zone for him and a coaching job for you. Sounds as if it could be fun though. Just make sure he knows what his tongue is for and it’s not all about penetration alone!

I’m sure you were once a virgin, just think back a bit and imagine being with a more experienced person.
And as PP suggests, you can take the lead, but of course the virgin bit might be a line, but bit of an odd one ?

It’s not a problem in and of itself. Just depends whether you prefer an experienced partner or not. A virgin wouldn’t be for me as I prefer experienced partners (just personal preference) but then it’s a good thing we don’t all fancy the same people! If it doesn’t put you off and you still fancy him, go for it!

I think you'll need to be happy to teach him literally everything. How to go down on you. How to have sex that excites you and not just him. How and where to touch you. What to do with your breasts. It would be useful to have conversations about what sort of porn he tends to view, as his (possibly unrealistic) ideas of what women enjoy will be coloured by that.

Personally I wouldn't necessarily rush into anything here, as there may be reasons why he's not had any longer-term relationships that have included sex. Maybe get to know him better first. You may have found a lovely shy chap, or maybe not. Hopefully you have! Good luck.

Just make sure he knows what his tongue is for and it’s not all about penetration alone!

Ugh, could you imagine a guy advising someone "Make sure she knows what her mouth is for".

He is a person, not an animal to be 'trained' he will have his own likes and dislikes and things he is comfortable with.

Swap positions - so if he was the experienced one and you were the virgin how would you want the situation to be handled? It is not that weird - some people have different standards and expectations and at least he is honest. Respectful and open communication is key...

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

Just make sure he knows what his tongue is for and it’s not all about penetration alone!

Ugh, could you imagine a guy advising someone "Make sure she knows what her mouth is for".

He is a person, not an animal to be 'trained' he will have his own likes and dislikes and things he is comfortable with.

Precisely. If a man had said that they'd all be telling her to dump the prick and calling him a dozen different kinds of pervert who has no respect for women.

"Would you be able to please let me know what stupid things I should have learnt not to do in my teens and twenties?"

I'm curious about this as well.

I wouldn't go there. There's likely to be reasons behind this. There's probably something not quite right with him that could prove to be an issue further down the line.

If he doesn’t live with his mum then shag him and see.

If he does live with his mum then I wouldn’t.

This to me is very unusual.

The vast majority of people globally would ordinarily have sex before age 25.

Or if they won't have sex for religious reasons, they usually get married early to mid 20s.

I'd want to delve into the reasons why it has been so long. Because 32 really is old.

There could be a number of reasons: illness and disability, religious beliefs (current or former), mental health issues, child sexual abuse, other childhood trauma etc.

I'd want to know the reasons. And I don't accept he is just shy!

@vdbfamily

Honestly the comments on here are pretty offensive. My DH and I met in our 30's, were both virgins and have been happily married nearly 20 years. Some people lack opportunity. Some people want to wait for the right person. It really is not that weird.

same here - only had sex when I met the man I was to marry in my 30's, didn't seem odd to me at all.

I wanted to have sex with the man I was in love with.