Page 3 | New partner's surprise

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 20/11/2021 13:24

Bonus is that you will not get an STD if he is being truthful, but I would still be careful.

Honeymint · 20/11/2021 13:24

Possibly because I used to work with a lot of developers, but I know quite a few guys who are still virgins in their early 30s. Most of them are lovely guys, just a bit shy.
I think even if he wasn’t a virgin, you’d still have to teach a new partner what you like, so maybe start there?

RichardMarxisinnocent · 20/11/2021 13:47

There could be a number of reasons: illness and disability, religious beliefs (current or former), mental health issues, child sexual abuse, other childhood trauma etc.

None of the above applies to me. Why are people who aren't /weren't older virgins so keen to assume that those who are/were have all sorts of serious issues?
I'd want to know the reasons. And I don't accept he is just shy!

Why do you find it so hard to belive its just because someone is shy? Why must there be "reasons"? I am shy and was always very unconfident with the opposite sex. If you manage to leave both school and university without having had any interest from the opposite sex, this will likely reduce your confidence even more. You may wonder if you're just not very attractive. You may start to worry that if you do start a relationship you'll need to tell the person you're a virgin with no relationship experience and that they will think you're weird and run a mile, or might just see you as a challenge rather than wanting a relationship with you. This may lead to feeling even more unconfident about making a big effort to find a relationship. And before you know it, you're in your 30s or 40s and it starts to feel like it's too late because how on earth would I tell someone I'm still a virgin and who the hell would want me, a 40 year old virgin, anyway. It seems lots of people on MN think think it really odd, so of course older virgins will assume people URL will think the same.

lunarlandscape · 20/11/2021 13:58

@vdbfamily

Honestly the comments on here are pretty offensive. My DH and I met in our 30's, were both virgins and have been happily married nearly 20 years. Some people lack opportunity. Some people want to wait for the right person. It really is not that weird.

Well said.

If OP likes the man and they sleep together, then he won't be a virgin any more. Issue resolved. Because it isn't an issue. I don't understand the posters suggesting differing levels of experience will be a problem. We all have different experiences in life. We all bring different levels of expertise into relationships. That's what makes them fun.

But OP, I wouldn't pounce on him. Just take it gradually and check he is up for it first before any pouncing.

DiamondBright · 20/11/2021 14:01

I was seeing someone in my on line dating days I suspected of being a virgin ( never got to a place in the "relationship" where I could ask) he was in his 40s and still living with his parents, under the guise that he was caring for them, but he'd never left home, always had him mum doing his cooking, laundry etc.

I didn't pursue things in the end, the main reason was his lack of relationship experience and the fact he was living with his parents, I'd have essentially been waiting for them to die to be able to have a "normal" relationship with him.

He'd been traumatised a few years previously by a friend he'd got into a relationship with (just dating) who had ghosted and then dumped him, lots of talk about what he'd been through and how upset his parents had been, I honestly thought he'd been left at the alter or she'd terminated a pregnancy until he told me what had happened, which was pretty much nothing as they weren't even in a full relationship. This has been his first relationship in his late 30s with no experience to measure against.

The lack of sexual experience could have been overcome.

dottiedodah · 20/11/2021 14:25

I think the fact he is still a Virgin and lives with his DM is a bit of an Amber light really! I mean maybe hes not met the right girl yet /just shy.Have you met his Mum yet ? She may be controlling .Just proceed with caution perhaps

Nedclarity · 20/11/2021 15:09

Nothing wrong with him still being a virgin. Just take it slow. I don’t think you are going to have to teach him how to have sex, surely he has some idea of how it works. There’s nothing worse than a man who thinks he knows what women like or just uses techniques that seem to have worked with others but that do nothing for you. What you want is someone who is up for exploration and you will always have to teach a new man what your preferences are, anyway. My best sex ever was with a guy who wasn’t terribly experienced, he wasn’t a virgin but had perhaps slept with 5 people by the age of 40. He was really attentive, keen to make sure I always had a great time and so, so good with his hands and mouth.

Animood · 20/11/2021 15:10

@RichardMarxisinnocent

There could be a number of reasons: illness and disability, religious beliefs (current or former), mental health issues, child sexual abuse, other childhood trauma etc.

None of the above applies to me. Why are people who aren't /weren't older virgins so keen to assume that those who are/were have all sorts of serious issues?
I'd want to know the reasons. And I don't accept he is just shy!

Why do you find it so hard to belive its just because someone is shy? Why must there be "reasons"? I am shy and was always very unconfident with the opposite sex. If you manage to leave both school and university without having had any interest from the opposite sex, this will likely reduce your confidence even more. You may wonder if you're just not very attractive. You may start to worry that if you do start a relationship you'll need to tell the person you're a virgin with no relationship experience and that they will think you're weird and run a mile, or might just see you as a challenge rather than wanting a relationship with you. This may lead to feeling even more unconfident about making a big effort to find a relationship. And before you know it, you're in your 30s or 40s and it starts to feel like it's too late because how on earth would I tell someone I'm still a virgin and who the hell would want me, a 40 year old virgin, anyway. It seems lots of people on MN think think it really odd, so of course older virgins will assume people URL will think the same.

Right so with you the issue was low self esteem. Not simply being shy.

It might be this guy has low self esteem and I think that's important to find out before hopping into bed with him. If only to make sure OP is sensitive.

CouldThisReallyBe · 20/11/2021 17:38

There are some really judgy comments on here! Is it any wonder that some people lie about their sexual past ?

OP go with your gut. If you like him take the lead. Just because you have sex with him doesn't mean you're getting married. Give him a chance!

Original poster

Sunnycat · 20/11/2021 17:43

Thanks for all the replies(well the nice ones anyway) there's been so many questions it's hard to keep track so sorry if I don't answer them all.
Yes he still livings at home. He not the best of lookers but nether am I and really who is ! He is nearly bald and think he has been since he was about 16. He's just a normal guy not overweight but no six pack or gym bod. He's just quiet and a bit shy and doesn't like to be the center of attention, which suits me. A active sex life would be important to me. I was thinking maybe he was gay but even when we just kiss or hold hands you can see from his trousers that he is enjoying it. We are meeting tomorrow so will see what happens

OP posts:

BudrosBudrosGalli · 20/11/2021 18:18

There would be a few thoughts running through my head. First one, I would take it with a huge pinch of healthy skepticism, as it could be his usual spiel to get a pity shag

Secondly, if he is still a virgin, I would be concerned that in the event of sex, he might get too fixated, especially if it doesn't work for you and fizzles out quickly on your end. He may place a much bigger importance on it, having been his first time with you.

Thirdly, it does depend on as to why he had no sex. The fact, that he is still living at home and being a mama's boy would worry me greatly. That is a recipe for a relationship disaster. Even if he manages to drop his momma's apron strings, I would be concerned that you will be expected to take her place. Also, I would be cautious about someone still living at home and having little autonomy and experience of living by themselves. These are all things he should have picked up already.

2bazookas · 20/11/2021 18:37

@Sunnycat

I have met this lovely guy off tinder and things have been going really well. Only problem is he's just told me he's a virgin!! He's 32 and real shy and he's says that he's never been in a position to do the deed. I'm 28 how do I approch this or do I just run now??

This is leading up to an explanation why it's totally, totally safe to not wear a condom., along the lines of

" Condom? never heard of it. Us virgins don't carry STD's because we are so pure. "

BudrosBudrosGalli · 20/11/2021 18:44

Exactly, was gonna add the bareback riders...

Oh, and another thing to consider is if he is really living with his parents. This would probably mean that you would not come for sleepovers. He could instead be living with a wife and kids. Something that would neatly explain a Mrs with same surname as his supposed mother.

ravenmum · 20/11/2021 19:07

Ugh, if people in real life treat this guy as horribly as some on this thread, he'll stay a virgin forever ...

You don't have to marry him, OP! If you fancy him, get to know him a bit, and if he seems like a decent guy, give it a go. Either it works out or it doesn't, same as with anyone.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 20/11/2021 19:12

@ravenmum

Ugh, if people in real life treat this guy as horribly as some on this thread, he'll stay a virgin forever ...

You don't have to marry him, OP! If you fancy him, get to know him a bit, and if he seems like a decent guy, give it a go. Either it works out or it doesn't, same as with anyone.

Well, a lot of posters have experienced the pitfalls of OLD. The first rule is to not swallow everything you are told.

FindingMeno · 20/11/2021 19:15

Rather that than a complete player.
Seriously.

IncompleteSenten · 20/11/2021 20:28

Being a virgin wouldn't bother me one bit

Being a mummy's boy would!

ravenmum · 20/11/2021 20:51

Well, a lot of posters have experienced the pitfalls of OLD. The first rule is to not swallow everything you are told.
I've experienced the pitfalls of OLD too. How does my advice clash with yours?

Original poster

Sunnycat · 20/11/2021 23:07

@BudrosBudrosGalli

Exactly, was gonna add the bareback riders...

Oh, and another thing to consider is if he is really living with his parents. This would probably mean that you would not come for sleepovers. He could instead be living with a wife and kids. Something that would neatly explain a Mrs with same surname as his supposed mother.

I have been to his house and met his family so no hidden wife or a squad of kids. I do really believe he is a virgin who's never had the opportunities. Is being a mummy boy such a bad thing? I personally think he will know how to treat a girl and not just use me as a piece of meat like some of my past partners. It's looking like tomorrow might be the day things change as he's coming over to mine for the day. Just don't know I'm going to approach things yet

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/11/2021 23:13

Is being a mummy boy such a bad thing? I personally think he will know how to treat a girl

But will he know how to be in a healthy, equal relationship with a woman? An adult woman? I'm not saying he won't, I'm just saying that if he is immature (rather than simply inexperienced) then being his first partner will have additional challenges. It may well be worth it of course, just something to consider.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/11/2021 23:19

"Like do NOT guess or assume. Many people are sensitive about their age and weight, and assuming/asking if I was in my 60s was a step too far IMO."

Yes, and after all the judgement there are still posters thinking he'd make this up as a chat-up line. It's pretty clear this is seen as a huge problem these days and there's no way he'd be using this as a line to pick up women!

WouldBeGood · 20/11/2021 23:54

Living at home and being a mummy’s boy in your thirties is a bad thing.

WouldBeGood · 20/11/2021 23:54

Run @Sunnycat

Original poster

Sunnycat · 21/11/2021 07:04

@WouldBeGood

Run *@Sunnycat*

Why?

OP posts:

Sakurami · 21/11/2021 07:14

I would just get to know him and see how things develop, like with any other people you date. If you like him and want to sleep with him and he wants to sleep with you, then do it. Even if he has no experience, there is plenty of information out there so I'm sure he'll know what to do.