Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sorry you have Covid @BelladiMamma, have you been jabbed? I know a few people triple jabbed who have it but very mild symptoms. Hope its OK for you.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I love nights like that with friends, reminds you of that stress free life one had pre OLD.

It looks like I have a date this week so hoping this one doesn't cancel last minute like the last one who said he had an issue with the booze. I had lost hope a bit in OLD but we seemed to have really good chat both on message and videocall so we are going for dinner. My question for all is I am naturally quite flirty/chatty and he was trying to hold back pre video call understandably. Post long call, he's far more at ease and more flirty but now I want to dial that back a bit because I'm looking for something substantial and almost want to be a bit more ladylike/mysterious rather than the cool fun girl. How do I backtrack but still look interested?! NB its not sexting at all but there's definitely flirting

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Isitreallyme177

If it's a quiet month socially, might it be worth going on the apps and just meeting people in a "desexed" way if you have time?

Not only swiping on those you find "very attractive physically", broadening out a bit.

Say in your profile you're looking to meet new people to go for coffee with, go for polite respectful ones only and see who comes up in cuffing season?

There should be a completely different lot of faces to those over the summer, and it's not shit lockdown dates only.

I'm not sure what the vibe at your gym is but my experience is a lot of guys at gyms are there to work out only

(not to socialise with new people or meet women, unless the guys are creepy lechy types you wouldn't want anyway!)

So it might take a while and/or you might not get anything substantial.

Apps are hell, but also you do (kind of) know the people on there are "technically open to meeting new people to do social stuff with"?[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk I'm in the gym to work out and usually have my headphones in so am oblivious to anyone else. But there's no harm in looking in the free weights area, I've been told they're all helpful and nice in there , not that I need help as I know what I'm doing but in fairness I do need someone to spot me sometimes (my friend still hasn't made her mind up about the gym). I'm also doing classes like HIIT, Bootcamp and Circuits so who knows.

The apps aren't for me. I won't do that to my mental health again.

@Isitreallyme177 even though I agree with @SpringlikeBunks idea about going on the apps a bit, I do also agree that they aren't very good for the mental health. When I'm on them, I either feel invisible or they take me on a rollercoaster of emotions which isn't great either. I think the key is to try and dip in and out and not make it the be all and end all. Otherwise I don't think there are many/any other ways to meet people unfortunately. I tend to have a nosey from time to time and hope the universe brings me some good chat!

@Eesha

I agree - of course it’s good to be open to meeting new people everywhere but especially after a certain age I think the odds are low?

It’s nice having a flirtation or brief connection but nigh on impossible to get that that to something substantial.

Either it’s guys who are desperate/creepy or partnered-up guys or guys who are looking elsewhere and just enjoying a conversation.

For example, I’ve had my bumble guys and MrHedgehog to keep me occupied.

There’s also a few guys in new workplace who have been really charming and helpful (though a bit young for me) both work wise and in terms of including me in social things.

If I wasn’t on Bumble (and I’ve learned from my mistakes in the past) I’d have maybe thought they were “into me”, or valid dating options and acted accordingly/built my hopes up?

But over time I’ve learned they’re actually just nice guys in long distance relationships who are used to having female friends and working with women and are nice and helpful and inclusive to everyone?

So I’d have ended up just wasting time having crushes on them, trying to get them 1-1 when actually they’re not available/doing their own thing.

@Eesha

I hope your date comes through this week, flakes are hell but all too
Common!

Personally I’d make up a white lie like “I’m really busy at work so can only check messages after X time” and leave it at that. If they can’t understand this it’s a red flag.

I’d say if I have to be glued to my phone being flirty to win them over to “get the date” then it’s not someone I want to be dating anyway.

They should want to meet based on profile photos/initial contact/calls and that we’ve made a pre-arranged date, I shouldn’t have to try to “convince them” or “build a connection” in advance.

Really should go back on the apps. Just enjoying a swipeless life for now I suppose...

Sometimes it's nice to take a break from
swiping and dating. Can take up soo much time, the talking stage is really repetitive.

@SpringlikeBunk you’re right, of course, I also need to make sure he’s a good fit for me. I may get bored too! I am a bit suspicious about why a guy in his early 40s with a good job and confident, outgoing personality is single 🤔

So I did one of those Attachment Style questionnaires, apparently I'm a Fearful Avoidant. Reading through it it's actually pretty spot on. Interesting and food for thought for today.

I was always too scared to tell Mr Cricket how I felt in case I 'lost' him and in doing so I 'lost' him anyway. Not that he was ever mine to lose. Next time maybe I should just tell them.

@SpringlikeBunk that's interesting. I wouldn't meet on that basis alone eg profile and photos, as I can't imagine doing that. I need to connect before meeting; although like you I often screen through a phone or video call.

Likewise with the work or friend connections. Towards the end of my marriage I took any interest in me to be romantic as I was so starved of attention. And then he these awful emotional affairs which were just soul destroying as the other person had no idea what was going on and viewed it as 'pleasant slightly flirty interaction with someone that if they'd been single they might have been interested in'.

@Eesha I always think to myself, one more disappointment on the apps is another learning experience and takes me closer to meeting someone it might work out better with.

@Isitreallyme177 given that you're not going back on the apps I'd be really wary of meeting MrCricket as he might end up remaining your romantic focus. Plus I think he's in the Level 2 sweetshop phase and might just regard you as another of the mix bags that's on offer. Sorry to be cynical but I think he's in a sex focused phase of his life given that he's only just moved out of the marital home and managed to go away straightaway on holiday with his new gf. Who's probably been helping him move in and choose furniture and listening to all his moans about the ex.

@Heartbeats0708 hope you're feeling ok. Mine is a heavy heavy cold nearly fly with a chest that's not very happy!! Am going to see if I can get a prednisolone prescription

@inmyslippers

Really should go back on the apps. Just enjoying a swipeless life for now I suppose...

Sometimes it's nice to take a break from
swiping and dating. Can take up soo much time, the talking stage is really repetitive.

This is where I'm clearly a weirdo as I love chatting. I have about 20 on the go at the moment!!!

@BelladiMamma

God yeh - loneliness and being starved of affection (and being a “presentable person who no-one would think of as being lonely” is no defence) can lead to all these unsuitable limerances and crushes!

Even a few years ago I’d have thought my colleagues kindness “meant they were romantically interested in me”!

At least getting on the apps means one gets a bit more agency over the whole process, even if it takes a lot of sifting!

Hello! Can I please join? Back on online dating after my relationship/engagement of 4 years ended earlier this year. Can't bear Tinder, POF so avoiding those. Tried Hinge and it was SO miserable - I was just dipping my toes in the water so didn't complete my full profile so I couldn't change the age range settings so it kept showing me blokes in their twenties who all want to travel and prance around Hackney (fair enough but I'm 30 and want something more serious). So I paid a shocking amount for eHarmony.. and promptly hid my profile as the men were just not for me.. however, before I hid my profile I started chatting to someone - MrBand - and we have a date arranged for 2 weeks time. Thing is we live a bit far from each other (few hours by train) so realistically it's not really going to work? We shall see.

@SpringlikeBunk yes, I'm really hoping he's not yet another flake!

Welcome @Bluecrescent

Hope luck with your OLD journey

I have a Covid addled head but I'm sure someone will be along soon to provide some help and wise words

I've turned into a no strings numbers girl myself so I use Feeld for the moment. Not everyone's cup of tea 🫖 though!!

I had a third date last night. I'm really enjoying getting to know him. Seems a lovely and kind man. But....I hate how he dresses. We went to a fairly nice restaurant. I spent ages getting ready and changed my outfit about 5times and ended up wearing the first one I tried on. He turned up straight from work in 3/4 trousers, vans, a band T-shirt then a random wooly cardigan chucked over that just didn't go. I find him very attractive but just wish he'd smarten up abit. He's in his 30s. I don't mind alternative kind of looks but just make it a smart alternative 🤣

@inmyslippers sorry I don't have anything to add but if my date was a real mismatch in that way I'd put him in the fun zone

Just running an unfair contest here. Messaged BeardFlake and MrA about my Covid and guess who's been calling me and really sweet and concerned ... MrA. Feeling like a little attention from him is better than none although it's a knife in the heart when he talks about going home and the invite to visit is no longer there. Not that I've invited him here. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Other than that I've had an unsolicited nude on Feeld which led to me blocking what was otherwise quite a promising conversation and the other chats are ticking along.

One guy is offering to be my houseboy. Not sure I can really go there and despite his lovely Irish eyes and accent I may need to turn him down.

It really is the fly in my ointment 😭

@inmyslippers

It really is the fly in my ointment 😭

People aren't going to change at that age - so is he worth having some fun dates with, knowing that you'll have to make your peace with it/ignore it? And keep looking for someone who doesn't dress like a toddler out for soft play?

@Bluecrescent

Agree the apps are a nightmare and if you meet someone good often they’ve got the distance or a practical issue going on - definitely some decent guys who are on there because work/practical reasons mean it’s harder to meet someone IRL.

But if chat is good and no red flags I’d definitely meet, and you only know from there if it’s worth making the effort!

Agree with you on Hinge - I mean I am kind of a bit of a pretentious city wanker but Hinge profiles take it to a new level!

I always felt I was out of place as I didn’t have plenty of arty Instagram shots of me gazing wistfully into the middle distance or looking kooky.

@inmyslippers

Agree you just have to respect your gut instincts here - I personally get “the ick” over certain things physically (eg slightly too long nails or greasy hair)

and tbh if these don’t concern a guy then it’s not my place to change him or accept him?

I’ve got some lovely geeky Male friends who are great catches and physically good looking guys but just slightly too “alternative/offbeat” for me to find them attractive (plenty of women do) and I don’t think they’d change for anyone, and indeed why should they?

So if you can accept the dress sense then fine but I don’t think he’ll change so maybe you just have different opinions on this and have to give up on him as a romantic option?

So I now have a plastered bathroom ceiling. Only I'm now waiting for it to dry. Then paint it next weekend.

Circuits was fun, I've not worked that hard in months. I was literally out of breath. But two chocolate éclairs doth not make a good lunch 🙈.

@BelladiMamma he was actually showing me what he was buying. The bed, the mattress(I know the exact mattress he bought), the dining table and chairs, he even sent me the brochure for the house. I don't know how long the woman has been on the scene and whether she was around when he was doing all that. But if I found out my new boyfriend was sending another woman that sort of thing I would be a bit twitchy.

@Isitreallyme177, I guess it's all these thoughts about Mr Cricket that you now have to sift through and see how you feel in a few days when he returns from his holiday. IMO what matters now is how you feel, what you want and what works for you. I don't think I would be able to maintain just a friendship in your position but you know yourself best.
On the subject of the apps, numbers game, potato roulette etc I think again each of us will view this in a different way. I generally did a lot of plate spinning and played the numbers game. I had a lot of 'fun', a fair bit of anxiety and am on my 3rd RS in 8 years but I absolutely do maintain that there are good guys out there and you have to persevere. I can think of only one guy I have met IRL on a night out that resulted in a kiss but didn't go beyond that. Every other chat, date, hook up or relationship has started online.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Isitreallyme177, I guess it's all these thoughts about Mr Cricket that you now have to sift through and see how you feel in a few days when he returns from his holiday. IMO what matters now is how you feel, what you want and what works for you. I don't think I would be able to maintain just a friendship in your position but you know yourself best.
On the subject of the apps, numbers game, potato roulette etc I think again each of us will view this in a different way. I generally did a lot of plate spinning and played the numbers game. I had a lot of 'fun', a fair bit of anxiety and am on my 3rd RS in 8 years but I absolutely do maintain that there are good guys out there and you have to persevere. I can think of only one guy I have met IRL on a night out that resulted in a kiss but didn't go beyond that. Every other chat, date, hook up or relationship has started online.[/quote]
Level 20 - potato roulette

Level 21 - realise potato has heart of gold, but you missed out on opportunity to date him and another lucky woman is now MrsPotato

@Onesmallstep67 I actually said to a friend this morning (she hasn't read it yet mind you 🤦‍♀️🤣) that what's confusing me and weirder is that I'm not sat here nursing a broken heart. I had a cry on Thursday but nothing since. My mind changes hourly though, one minute I think yeah I can do the friend thing the next it's no I don't want to see him. I remember crying for weeks after Computer Geek, I met him once and stupidly had sex with him (it was so worth it though 🙈). This I've taken, after the initial shock, all rather calmly. It is weird.