Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@TobyEsterhase

Her her out in business, the help her out her knickers, great job, 👍🏼

@Isitreallyme177

if it goes wrong it will be a sticky mishap

[quote Isitreallyme177]@StartingAgain6369 I've just had pizza (although it was over cooked so most went in the bin) so the healthy diet is continuing 🤣[/quote]
Beer and Pizza, the diet of champions 👍🏼

Just to make things even more healthy I’m having some cheese laden nachos as well, yum 😋

Just a gentle tap on the side of the lid or put a butter knife under the lip of the lip to release the air. I had to do it the other week. Drove me nuts and ended up having my pringles without the dip until the next day.

@SpringlikeBunk

Run the jar under hot water to make the lid expand, the try using a tea towel to grip the lid, or a rubber glove if you have any

Hi all. I hope you don't mind me joining for some advice. I'm 36 and have just started OLD but I'm finding it so painful. I'm not sure if there's an etiquette with the whole thing- for example

1. Messages that just say "Hi" with no profile info. Where do you go from here? Do you just say hi back and hope for the best? So many messages just saying hi.

1. Wanting to chat on the phone immediately or meet up really quickly. I don't like the idea of loads of blokes having my number or meeting loads of people. Is this the done thing?

1. Messages that say hey gorgeous or comment on my appearance (nice figure etc). Are these creeps or trying to be complimentary? It seems so shallow to me.

Any advice or help much appreciated!

Off out on my date zero with Mr Wildcard, it's either going to be awesome or terrible 🙈

I will of course toilet update!

Checking in. Nothing new here really. No dates and no new chats.
Work is getting worse each day so I'm just trying to keep my head down, not trusting anyone and my eyes on new roles/opportunities for my exit plan

@Snarferson

Hi all. I hope you don't mind me joining for some advice. I'm 36 and have just started OLD but I'm finding it so painful. I'm not sure if there's an etiquette with the whole thing- for example

1. Messages that just say "Hi" with no profile info. Where do you go from here? Do you just say hi back and hope for the best? So many messages just saying hi.

1. Wanting to chat on the phone immediately or meet up really quickly. I don't like the idea of loads of blokes having my number or meeting loads of people. Is this the done thing?

1. Messages that say hey gorgeous or comment on my appearance (nice figure etc). Are these creeps or trying to be complimentary? It seems so shallow to me.

Any advice or help much appreciated!

My responses, here goes, others will be along soon with better answers

1. if no profile ignore, if there is a profile just say ‘Hi’ back

2. Personally I agree this , it’s a done thing, if you don’t want to meet try a Zoom call

3. could be creep or could be a compliment, be cautious

@Snarferson

Welcome!

I'd say everyone has different comfort zones and ways they want to meet people

so I'd just be clear in your own mind

(how long you want to spend messaging before meeting, how comfortable you are travelling, how many first meets you can schedule in? Or how many "chats" or contacts you can cope with at a time? )

And say "no" for whatever reason if you feel uncomfortable.

1. I'd agree this is a bit of a red flag - especially with no profile text at all.

1. Re: meeting up really quickly...I personally think pushing for instant meets (ie that evening) are a massive red flag and probably a hook-up request.

That said, I do personally prefer to get a meet in before "chatting" lots by text as I find a quick coffee/drink somewhere public is the most effective way to screen people out and asking lots of "questions" by message doesn't really mean much?

So say within 9-10 messages, or 1-2 weeks (not sure if that counts as instant)?

Obviously I still get some duds but if I google search and they have a social media/LinkedIn presence confirming they are vaguely who they say, they're polite, and no glaring red flags in communication they're normally Ok in person (and it's easier to check for chemistry).

Agree it seems a bit pushy asking for your phone number straight away - especially if they are going to immediately bombard you with WhatsApp messages!

Again it's down to your own personal comfort levels though. I actually have a "burner phone" now with no WhatsApp which I give out.

1. Agree this is a bit icky. That said, it's not a 100% red flag for me - not every decent guy is very verbally smooth? If it switches to creepy or wanting to exchange photos of body parts (say complimenting your shape or body parts rather than just saying you look great) then it's a no for me.

I'd say also don't beat yourself up if some flakes and duds and creeps get through - there isn't any "perfect way" to screen I think, just need to be vigilant but also open-minded?

Good luck @dancemom

@Snarferson

Hi all. I hope you don't mind me joining for some advice. I'm 36 and have just started OLD but I'm finding it so painful. I'm not sure if there's an etiquette with the whole thing- for example

1. Messages that just say "Hi" with no profile info. Where do you go from here? Do you just say hi back and hope for the best? So many messages just saying hi.

1. Wanting to chat on the phone immediately or meet up really quickly. I don't like the idea of loads of blokes having my number or meeting loads of people. Is this the done thing?

1. Messages that say hey gorgeous or comment on my appearance (nice figure etc). Are these creeps or trying to be complimentary? It seems so shallow to me.

Any advice or help much appreciated!

Welcome to the thread. OLD can be a tricky beast to navigate. Above all else, listen to your gut and never do anything you're not comfortable with.

Re your questions, some of us prefer more effort than a 'hi' while some see it as an easy opener that might lead to more chat. If you like their profile pic, why not say 'hi' back?

Many of us here prefer a quick meet to see if there's any spark, rather than get invested in lots of chat only to find there's no chemistry when the meet finally happens. A phone call can be another way to suss someone out.

As OLD is all about the photos, you can hardly blame someone for commenting on your appearance; there's not much else to go on really.

You'll have to be brave and engage with some of those who are interested. If you don't like their chat, block and move on. I don't think there's much harm in people having your phone number - what can they do with it? Stay in control, only chat to who you want, how you want, and try to get a date zero in the calendar! Good luck!

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will admit I'm not feeling very brave and I would rather someone made a comment about something I'd written about myself rather than say. "Hi. You have a lovely figure." I just don't know if I expect too much. 1 to 2 weeks of chat feels right to me but must people are after my number within 3 messages.

"You'll have to be brave and engage with some of those who are interested. If you don't like their chat, block and move on."

I think that kind of sums up what I was trying to say more succinctly - obviously have boundaries, if someone is pushy or flaky or completely unattractive just block instantly.

But that said, I don't think online dating is the place to "hold out for the perfectly worded dinner date invite from someone ticking every box on a list"?

Just have "the basics" in mind and treat it as an experience, meeting new people.

I actually think I've learned so much through being on the apps that I wouldn't if I was just coming in fresh.

SpringlikeBunk yes the coming in fresh thing is quite scary

@Snarferson

Could get a cheap burner phone and move them to texting or calling on there? So it's not your main phone.

That sounds a bit hardcore but it means if you don't fancy contact unless it's scheduled contact then you put the phone in a drawer and forget about it (don't tell them it's a burner phone though lol).

I do think that you need to be confident/Ok with chatting on the phone or meeting face-to-face though at some point? It may be a dud or they may not like the sound of your voice (or vice-versa) but that's online dating for you.

I'd say it's reasonable to expect someone not to just phone randomly, or ask you to come out or meet last minute.

If someone I was messaging didn't agree to a scheduled phone call or meet (scheduled in so they knew it was happening) and just wanted to exchange messages I'd think they have something to hide or weren't genuine about meeting people.

Or you have the situation of exchanging loads of messages and you both building up a picture of each other that might not be true.

Treat it like meeting a new colleague, not a "date".

I agree on the "figure" comment that's a bit icky! But someone else might not mind. You can never go wrong with sticking to what you personally find comfortable.

@Snarferson
If think about about real life, the 1st thing you notice about people is how they look, OLD is the same really, but your seeing them from the comfort of your sofa.

Some people like more chat, some less, I’ve certainly been guilty of letting chats go on for too long before a meet and it’s gone terrible as you have built an image of someone up in your head and they turn out to be nothing like the image you have

So I had a bit of a mosey on to the apps just out curiosity. Same old faces. There was one guy on there who I matched with when I was just split up from my ex 4 years ago but was no where near ready. He's not swiped on me though 🤣.

It's so depressing. Maybe I'll find out when the local football or rugby teams play and go and watch a few matches 🙊🙈. I also need to find the time when the hot men go to the gym. Not sure I can ask my trainer that 😆

Hi, thanks for signposting me.

Tomorrow is date 3 with a new guy. Last weeks date 2 did not go perfectly.... my fault!
But I'm staying over, nervy!

Good luck @Worried234 ! Hopefully you'll be Chilled234 at some stage soon!

[quote Isitreallyme177]@StartingAgain6369 I've just had pizza (although it was over cooked so most went in the bin) so the healthy diet is continuing 🤣[/quote]
@Isitreallyme177

Here you go, not a great pace and only managed 3 laps before heading to the kebab shop

@Worried234 Hope all goes well and don't forget your toothbrush

@FabulousMrFifty
@Isitreallyme177

I know the whole thread and resident lurkers were worried so just to show the combination of your honey jar opening techniques succeeded 💪🏽

@SpringlikeBunk Well.... I do hope so.

But last Friday night I tried to 'hop over' a stairgate after a few gins but I misjuged it and fell. Lacerated my labia and had extensive bruising. Didn't want to bail on tbe date so went, but told him straight away. He was very nice about it and I stayed at his, and he took me to hospital the next morning.

Tomorrow is date 3, and I am fully healed up 😉