Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I always seem to choose men with some complication or other. Is that the way of life when you’re this age or is it my bad choices?

I got this dress which I’d been eyeing up online so it was great to get to try it on.

I’m tall, so would look great on me ! .

I was invited to a company awards do in London a few years back, and in one respect was jealous of the women there as they were all fabulous dressed, heels, makeup etc, loads of different colours etc,

And all the blokes just had boring dinner suits on.

@StartingAgain6369 @ibelieveinmirrorballs @BelladiMamma I think I just enjoy the simplicity of knowing we like each other rather than the usual ambiguity and lack of messaging (which really would put me off). I'm not saying he's going to be the love of my life at all but there feels like a healthy dynamic for us both at present and I feel very safe in that knowledge. I genuinely think we are good for each other.

@Blackcatnofat I agree with @FabulousMrFifty, he has emotion but it might just not suit you. Could you give examples of this? I don't think you should think about time running out as I've seen loads here who are older and fine. Or spell out to him what is lacking for you.

@FabulousMrFifty I find it a lot of pressure to have to get dressed up for events - no idea why really but too often I’ve ended up wearing the wrong thing, or my shoes hurt, or the dress rides up and I didn’t realise, etc etc. And it’s an expensive business! Hoping this dress will work with some tights, gold shoes, pair of earrings and that’ll be it. DONE.

@SpringlikeBunk i recognise the anxiety you mention that derives from the uncertainty here I think - not really being in control of how it’s going to unfold. Let us know when you hear back. Do you think things will improve in January in terms of his schedule?

@Shayelle2009 previously I’ve gone to drive through PCR testing centres although a friend recently did one through the post and she did need to leave the house to post it. I think although not ideal obviously there’s minimal risk from directly going to/from a postbox.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think yes everyone has some complication but ultimately I've realised is they need to sort it themselves and you need to also find peace in yourself before embarking on a healthy relationship. Regular thread readers may know I had to deal with travel stuff this year which was something that had clouded most of my life. I genuinely believe this anxiety about my fears contributed to me picking men who needed me on some level ie detracted attention away from me sorting myself out. Once I'd had the therapy and fixed a lot of it, I felt ready to date someone but was much more aware of what I deserve. Interestingly Mr Music said how can you respect someone you always have to help out/fix which is so true.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

That’s a fab dress, bet you look dead glam in it. Maje is out of my budget but lovely stuff.

@Eesha this is lovely to hear, sounds nice and simple, no game playing, just two people enjoying each other’s company

@Blackcatnofat Depending on examples it sounds like he might be emotionally unavailable.

I am too and so is Mr K (2 years and counting) but I'm having counselling to address my issues.
I know why I'm emotionally unavailable and I hope in the future I will be better.
Mr K knows why he is aswell.
Too be fair we both acknowledge it to each other and laugh about it, sometimes we talk a bit deep but not too deep.

I had another lovely night with MrBeard last night, curry, cinema, then lots of sex and massages Now in mum mode waiting for my kids to be dropped off by their dad. So weird how much my life has changed in the past year.

@Shayelle2009

That’s a shame *@SpringlikeBunk* but if it’s not working for you then best to take the reigns, no point drifting along and never feeling like it’s quite enough, that’s completely pointless. Hope youre ok.

Also nervous about the new travelling rules. With the PCR test do you have to post it off for results? Silly question but if you're isolating how are you meant to post it? 🤔
Isolating is literally not going to work for me, I have to go and collect my cat from the cattery when I’m back. What a fricking nuisance.

You've always been allowed to leave the house to post the test.

You can get ones you do at the airport that come back in a few hours though so they are best.

No, picking up the cat would not be allowed.

But nightmare if you actually test positive. This is why I've not been traveling.

Everyone seems mighty busy with chats and date 0's, 2's, 3's, and 4's, so definitely feeling pretty positive! @BelladiMamma perhaps its just nerves? If your meet is set with a date/time maybe no need to chat as much on text, save conversation for the real deal?

Very envious of the full english breakfast being had (minus the meat) ... do miss a good slice of fried bread!!

I had a properly shit meeting at the school friday! My DS's teacher is a condescending piece of crap and i can't stand him. I know i'm bias but he has way over-stepped the mark here as i'm a single parent and haven't ever had my DS's dad to back me up. He's crossing the teacher/parent line by a looong way. So it put a bit of a dampner on yesterday. Tried to cheer us up by shopping for winter clothes together for us both. No other dating news really. But @SpringlikeBunk i can feel your hesitation to want things to continue with the 'igel' i've been doing this LD thing so long with magnet-man and you get even more reliant on text. If you're looking for more stable/bf type material this will make things awfully difficult. But i suppose you've been in the same 'truck' as me with some of you previous irons too. I guess like others have said don't break anything off completely just yet because i got the impression you were/are on a similar wave-length!

Oh and after the shopping trip we came home to find the Puglet had got into the shopping (my fault for forgetting to put it up high) and she had eaten an ENTIRE packet of butter biscuits and unless it turns up a slice of lemon cake too!!! She looked so proud of herself as well. So its a freezing 2hr walk she's got on her agenda today. 🤩

[quote BelladiMamma]@Eesha cool 😎 this is exciting! So chuffed for you

@VanGoghsDog sorry about MrWG's Covid. That's not great news for either of you health wise or emotionally. As it's not exactly the time to ask 'what are we?'[/quote]
Gives me an excuse to phone him every day to check he's OK. I wasn't due to see him anyway as he was busy til 9th, I'm due home 2nd (assuming new travel rules etc don't change that).

I do feel for him, he's now isolating until 6th, assuming he's well by then, and his next op is 21st, which wipes out Christmas and New Year to an extent, and probably means his ski trip will need to be cancelled........ All because they didn't fix the issue in the first op!

I really should try to talk to him about how annoying it was him rejecting every offer of help around his last op, but we'll see whether I am brave enough. I probably don't have as much capacity to offer this time as I'm fairly busy myself.

I sent him a text last night saying how I appreciate him, hanging out with him is nice because we just rub along and there's no fuss or tension. He just sent a laughing emoji back 🤨
Emotionally constipated!!

@VanGoghsDog @Shayelle2009 this is the ridiculousness of the whole process. You might need to get public transport home after arriving so you'll not be isolating .... also in full lockdown pet care was allowed. My horse kept me sane!! I was able to walk the dogs and visit the horse every day even though our yard very sensibly gave us all time slots. Having said that you may want to clear it with the cattery first as everyone has their own boundaries? If it's a day I'm not isolating I'm happy to pick her up for you!!

@Eesha that's really interesting. Almost like you were 'saving yourself by proxy' finding all these other people to rescue. I am very drawn to rescue situations and in fact I felt slightly rebuffed by MrA because he was so independent and didn't want me to do anything for me. Plus even though he was constantly in contact he never really opened up emotionally so echoes of that in your situation @Blackcatnofat. MrBeau has totally triggered all my sexy mummy vibes as he's opened up to me already and has been (in a boundaried and appropriate way) vulnerable with me. That combined with his very male and technical job and his hobbies (boxing and jujitsu) have left me all a quiver. For a bisexual woman I surprise myself sometimes with how much I can really love maleness.

@FabulousMrFifty as far as dress is concerned - rules are there to be broken! Go in something bright and colourful, even if it's a silk scarf or natty accessories, next time!

@SpringlikeBunk thinking more about your situation and repeating myself, I think I'm unlikely to see anyone new if MrBeau doesn't come through tomorrow as it's just an impossible time of year. That plus the new travel restrictions are really messing with my plans and ability to plan in advance

@Naimee87

Everyone seems mighty busy with chats and date 0's, 2's, 3's, and 4's, so definitely feeling pretty positive! *@BelladiMamma* perhaps its just nerves? If your meet is set with a date/time maybe no need to chat as much on text, save conversation for the real deal?

Very envious of the full english breakfast being had (minus the meat) ... do miss a good slice of fried bread!!

I had a properly shit meeting at the school friday! My DS's teacher is a condescending piece of crap and i can't stand him. I know i'm bias but he has way over-stepped the mark here as i'm a single parent and haven't ever had my DS's dad to back me up. He's crossing the teacher/parent line by a looong way. So it put a bit of a dampner on yesterday. Tried to cheer us up by shopping for winter clothes together for us both. No other dating news really. But @SpringlikeBunk i can feel your hesitation to want things to continue with the 'igel' i've been doing this LD thing so long with magnet-man and you get even more reliant on text. If you're looking for more stable/bf type material this will make things awfully difficult. But i suppose you've been in the same 'truck' as me with some of you previous irons too. I guess like others have said don't break anything off completely just yet because i got the impression you were/are on a similar wave-length!

Oh and after the shopping trip we came home to find the Puglet had got into the shopping (my fault for forgetting to put it up high) and she had eaten an ENTIRE packet of butter biscuits and unless it turns up a slice of lemon cake too!!! She looked so proud of herself as well. So its a freezing 2hr walk she's got on her agenda today. 🤩

Pugs are sooooo naughty!! My pug x gets crated, she'd be into everything otherwise 😁

That's so crap about the teacher. Is there someone 'on your side' at the school that you could speak to? Don't let him / her ruin your weekend a moment more. They have no idea what your life is and clearly have an empathy bypass

Oh great “language barrier strikes again”, MrHedgehog seems to think it’s fine and we can aim to meet this year. I don’t think he got the whole subtle message I composed!

I can’t really send another message as he’s having a last day away with his family, and I am kind of a selfish cunt but I don’t think I should send “this is all seeming a bit shit” messages my end.

I really just don’t want the meet, then we’re clearly not anywhere NEAR the “dating where we can just easily book a weekend in hanging out in a low key way”

and he’s off to do some consultancy in the ME or something glamorous with his prosperous banker pals and I’m on my own for most of the Xmas period.

@Naimee87
I know what you mean regarding school, had issues with DD1 school a few years back, escalated up to include the HM but nothing changed. Ended up changing schools, DD1 said after a few days starting why didn't I change schools earlier I love it here

THanks @Shayelle2009 and @Naimee87 and @BelladiMamma and anyone I couldn’t tag - I think on balance meeting for a drink or dinner would be fine actually? Was feeling pissed off as fuck yesterday though

I guess I’ve felt with ex long distance irons they’ve been keen on pushing for meeting, physical intimacy is the focus, which is great, but then I’m feeling a bit afterwards and they’re off doing their own thing.

I’m in a new city this year and that would be emotional suicide!

But I guess if we do meet if I direct it to a nice “outside meet, friends who hug a bit too long” that would be fine.

@Stayingstrongish

I had another lovely night with MrBeard last night, curry, cinema, then lots of sex and massages Now in mum mode waiting for my kids to be dropped off by their dad. So weird how much my life has changed in the past year.

Sounds great

@Stayingstrongish

I had another lovely night with MrBeard last night, curry, cinema, then lots of sex and massages Now in mum mode waiting for my kids to be dropped off by their dad. So weird how much my life has changed in the past year.

How perfect! It's so nice to find yourself in that position and truly having a life that's not about being a mum, or an employee, or just holding all our shit together for the pedestrian day to day things in life!

Thanks re the dress - I hate dressing up so am hoping to be able to use it for multiple occasions over the coming years (who says you can't wear short dresses in later years?!)

@StartingAgain6369 and @BelladiMamma He's just become more and more intrusive in my life. To the point where i'm being texted on a daily or 'every other day' basis. With in my opinion 'typical school boy antics', playground 'fights,' forgotten homework, back-chat. It seems his teacher has no 'punishment' plan in place he simply calls/texts me. I've raised it with the HM last week in a very open/honest email about how uncomfortable this teacher is making me feel, and he has been quite cool about the situation. Not sure what next week has in store for us but this teacher needs to back the fuck off and figure out how to discipline his class IN school! Oh and he needs to stop taking 12yr olds out on fieldtrips or to the zoo and teach them actual subjects! I mean what's a 12yr old going to do with knowing all there is to know about fish, has had 3 tests on this 'subject' now...

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think yes everyone has some complication but ultimately I've realised is they need to sort it themselves and you need to also find peace in yourself before embarking on a healthy relationship. Regular thread readers may know I had to deal with travel stuff this year which was something that had clouded most of my life. I genuinely believe this anxiety about my fears contributed to me picking men who needed me on some level ie detracted attention away from me sorting myself out. Once I'd had the therapy and fixed a lot of it, I felt ready to date someone but was much more aware of what I deserve. Interestingly Mr Music said how can you respect someone you always have to help out/fix which is so true.[/quote]
Very true - I'd go so far as to say that a large majority of people on OLD apps are using it as a distraction to avoid looking at some part of themselves that needs looking at - whether that be getting over their previous relationship, or something more intrinsic. I've certainly been guilty of it - and I think as soon as you get a new plate spinning with chats/meets/etc you suddenly have a whole new 'thing' to distract yourself with.

On many levels I feel I have sorted myself out and am getting better at picking decent men - I still think I struggle with asserting my needs and knowing when to walk away.

@Stayingstrongish

I had another lovely night with MrBeard last night, curry, cinema, then lots of sex and massages Now in mum mode waiting for my kids to be dropped off by their dad. So weird how much my life has changed in the past year.

This is indeed a lovely update. That's what I aim for in dating, it's like a 'retreat' from normal life where you can replenish with another adult ... or at least that's what I try to make it

@Stayingstrongish

I agree with @BelladiMamma
Thats what I want too - a kind of semi-domestic routine with someone with intimacy but without having merged lives completely!

I do get it’s my routine/goals as well that’s meant I can’t do this at times but that would be super to achieve !

@ibelieveinmirrorballs i think your post is spot on with a lot of those on OLD using it as a distraction for something else in their life that they aren't too happy with or would rather not focus on. MrE who i last met was clearly very unhappy with where he was in his life so threw himself full force into my life and i began to feel i was losing control of my lovely set-up i'd managed to create for me and my DS. Lucikly i was able to end things not entirely smoothly but he is most definitely gone now. But i realise now i was going along with meeting him and ignoring quite a few amber/red flags early on because i was trying to move on from magnet-man who i've been on/off with for a while now. I was chanelling all the feelings i still had for magnet-man into trying to make things work with MrE. So neither of us were in any position to be starting any kind of new relationship. It's almost impossible to be 100% happy with everything but you can get to a point where you're satisified with how things are and meeting someone would be a nice 'addition' to your good setup.

@FabulousMrFifty with your new user name I definitely see you in a gold lame waistcoat at your next awards ceremony! Maybe a colourful bow tie? Extraordinary shoes?

I have my 40 year college reunion coming up in less than two weeks 😱. At first I reverted to the usual ‘new dress, new shoes, slim down’ routine in anticipation. Then I thought, nah I’m done with buying dresses I wear once in a blue moon. And the heels I ordered online were HIDEOUSLY uncomfortable so I’ve sent them back. I’ve been toning up nicely due to my PT but I refuse to starve myself. So basically, I’m just going to womble along as me in my nicest dress, best jewellery, comfortable shoes and tidy hair. Will get my nails done maybe. It helps that, for the first time, I will be attending one of these reunions (every five years they happen!) in a happy, sexually fulfilled relationship so I won’t even be contemplating jumping on any of my college flings!

@FabulousMrFifty with your new user name I definitely see you in a gold lame waistcoat at your next awards ceremony! Maybe a colourful bow tie? Extraordinary shoes?

Knowing my luck, people will think I’m the comedy turn and not someone receiving an award for not fucking everything up.