Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ugh. I'm getting flake vibes from MrBeau.

Total drop off in comms today after we'd arranged everything. I know that's kind of normal in the circs, but I'm not looking forward to the 'I'm not sure I'm going to make it' message when I comes.

Hopefully this isn't a sixth sense but instead it's an over sensitive overreaction because of my BeardFlake trauma.

However the net positive of early flaking is it means you're less likely to be emotionally invested. And that you've in all likelihood dodged a bullet.

Feeling preemptively sad now.

@BelladiMamma

However the net positive of early flaking is it means you're less likely to be emotionally invested. And that you've in all likelihood dodged a bullet.

Feeling preemptively sad now.

It might still come good!! He might just want to want until in person.

Otherwise yes, weeded out for you!

I hate that @BelladiMamma - as you say it’s a sensitivity you gave post previous experiences, AND as you say it’s quite normal to a degree. But once you get the fear it’s hard to shut it up.

I’ve had a brilliant day in London with my friend but decided to come home rather than stay over. Am fighting off my own iron-angst as we haven’t chatted since yesterday morning (normal for us to have a day or two break in comms esp if we’re socialising) - BUT this is the weekend he has a female friend staying. It’s all been quite positive and consistent but it’s still early days and we haven’t got to the “what is this, is this an exclusive thing?” chat yet.

Yes to be fair, he's working tomorrow and our messaging hit an intensity level on Thursday and Friday that's unlikely to be sustainable, even by my standards!

We've made all the arrangements so now it's just going to be wait and see if it happens. Luckily it's happening near me so I won't be too put out of plans change, but I will be disappointed.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I hate that *@BelladiMamma* - as you say it’s a sensitivity you gave post previous experiences, AND as you say it’s quite normal to a degree. But once you get the fear it’s hard to shut it up.

I’ve had a brilliant day in London with my friend but decided to come home rather than stay over. Am fighting off my own iron-angst as we haven’t chatted since yesterday morning (normal for us to have a day or two break in comms esp if we’re socialising) - BUT this is the weekend he has a female friend staying. It’s all been quite positive and consistent but it’s still early days and we haven’t got to the “what is this, is this an exclusive thing?” chat yet.

It's hard to remember to let things just happen in their own sweet time - messaging, meets and feelings!

Hoping that all is well when you pick up comms again.

I was reassuring myself with the messaging flow that I've had with several irons and friends and family. Sometimes it's loads and other times you have a breather. It's normal.

I consoled myself with some Regent St outfit shopping for an awards dinner I have next week. I HATE dressing up - or rather, I hate having to get a new outfit and the pressure of finding something - BUT it’s sorted!

I think remembering that it’s their loss if they don’t bend over backwards to choose us helps. We’re the prize!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I consoled myself with some Regent St outfit shopping for an awards dinner I have next week. I HATE dressing up - or rather, I hate having to get a new outfit and the pressure of finding something - BUT it’s sorted!

I think remembering that it’s their loss if they don’t bend over backwards to choose us helps. We’re the prize!

I'm totally on board with that philosophy. Given that I seem to have a lot of interest I do always kick myself if I 'choose' a flake though. I think there's something about them that I find attractive 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oooh a bit of shopping. When it goes well it's the best! What did you buy?

I always seem to choose men with some complication or other. Is that the way of life when you’re this age or is it my bad choices?

I got this dress which I’d been eyeing up online so it was great to get to try it on.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I always seem to choose men with some complication or other. Is that the way of life when you’re this age or is it my bad choices?

I got this dress which I’d been eyeing up online so it was great to get to try it on.

That's really pretty. Where's it from?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I always seem to choose men with some complication or other. Is that the way of life when you’re this age or is it my bad choices?

I got this dress which I’d been eyeing up online so it was great to get to try it on.

I think everyone comes with baggage once they're 21+ there is no escape!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

The dress, yes love it

@StartingAgain6369 I would say Mr Music is a musician/writer/producer bod! All great there and I feel we are both on the same wavelength. Lots of good communication today to say how great last night was.

@Blackcatnofat

Hello 👋 yes this thread does move at a fast pace, I've said before it's nearly a full time job trying to keep up

Being male myself I would say to you is give your iron a nudge in a gentle but positive way. I'm sure you've picked up on his personality traits and know how and when to approach it.

You're not old at 55 far from it, I'm only a little bit behind you and I'm hoping for lots of fun and excitement from now until retirement then off to do a bit of worldwide site seeing, hopefully with a partner by then

[quote Eesha]@StartingAgain6369 I would say Mr Music is a musician/writer/producer bod! All great there and I feel we are both on the same wavelength. Lots of good communication today to say how great last night was.[/quote]
Fantastic for you and Mr Music, sounds like he played all the right notes in the right order 😊

@Blackcatnofat

Hi everyone - long time lurker here and OLD veteran of 8 years

I'd love to join in with you all but thread moves so fast!

Currently seeing a guy since March and we are on the same page for almost everything. Never met anyone like him, the sex is great, communication levels spot on.

But - he doesn't meet any of my emotional needs. He does things for me but there is no emotion there at all.

Friends tell me I should meet my own needs, which I do most of the time, but every now and again I get really upset at the lack of warmth and care.

It takes so long to wade through all chumps online and find a connection - am I stupid to give up on a 95% positive situation in search of that elusive 100% for me? At 55 I'm aware time - and the pool of men - is running out.

So sorry I didn't say hi and welcome earlier.

I've not been in this position in a LTR other than my marriage which was genuinely rubbish, so I can't really comment, other than to ask if you feel bad or positive when you're with him? As in net net what's the addition to your life?

@Eesha cool 😎 this is exciting! So chuffed for you

@VanGoghsDog sorry about MrWG's Covid. That's not great news for either of you health wise or emotionally. As it's not exactly the time to ask 'what are we?'

@BelladiMamma - from Maje… I like their stuff although lots of the dresses are way too short for me (this is on the cusp..)

[quote Eesha]@StartingAgain6369 I would say Mr Music is a musician/writer/producer bod! All great there and I feel we are both on the same wavelength. Lots of good communication today to say how great last night was.[/quote]
That’s great - isn’t it so much less stressful when communication is straightforward??

Right - home now and can read properly. @Blackcatnofat - what do you mean by no emotion there at all? Do you mean romance, depth of feeling?

Have you talked to him about it?

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@BelladiMamma - from Maje… I like their stuff although lots of the dresses are way too short for me (this is on the cusp..)[/quote]
Oh yes I haven't bought from them for ages but they do have lovely stuff. Hope you had a fab day out

Suggested to MrHedgehog we "kick the can down the road" and maybe reconnect in January? No reply yet.

I'm just loath/anxious to meet up, have a passionate reunion, get more attached - and then find he's randomly away for another week at Xmas and there's some work in Cambridge/London so we're back to square one.... I get the vibe he's at a work/life stage where he can and is willing to do that (and of course he's on a good income and expenses so that works for him).

Part of the issue is I don't have the finances or the transport or the energy to "dart about for last minute meets".

When younger I'd travel for a reunion or to work around someone with a hectic schedule but right now I want to "ground myself" a bit more!

@SpringlikeBunk

Suggested to MrHedgehog we "kick the can down the road" and maybe reconnect in January? No reply yet.

I'm just loath/anxious to meet up, have a passionate reunion, get more attached - and then find he's randomly away for another week at Xmas and there's some work in Cambridge/London so we're back to square one.... I get the vibe he's at a work/life stage where he can and is willing to do that (and of course he's on a good income and expenses so that works for him).

Part of the issue is I don't have the finances or the transport or the energy to "dart about for last minute meets".

When younger I'd travel for a reunion or to work around someone with a hectic schedule but right now I want to "ground myself" a bit more!

That is sensible. You're set free from the angst but you're not telling him it's not happening? Hopefully he'll take it in the spirit it's intended and you stay in touch & you can reconnect when he's back

@Blackcatnofat

Hi everyone - long time lurker here and OLD veteran of 8 years

I'd love to join in with you all but thread moves so fast!

Currently seeing a guy since March and we are on the same page for almost everything. Never met anyone like him, the sex is great, communication levels spot on.

But - he doesn't meet any of my emotional needs. He does things for me but there is no emotion there at all.

Friends tell me I should meet my own needs, which I do most of the time, but every now and again I get really upset at the lack of warmth and care.

It takes so long to wade through all chumps online and find a connection - am I stupid to give up on a 95% positive situation in search of that elusive 100% for me? At 55 I'm aware time - and the pool of men - is running out.

I’m just a couple of years behind you. I bet there is emotion in there, but he is just not showing in a way you want to see it,

That’s a shame @SpringlikeBunk but if it’s not working for you then best to take the reigns, no point drifting along and never feeling like it’s quite enough, that’s completely pointless. Hope youre ok.

Also nervous about the new travelling rules. With the PCR test do you have to post it off for results? Silly question but if you're isolating how are you meant to post it? 🤔
Isolating is literally not going to work for me, I have to go and collect my cat from the cattery when I’m back. What a fricking nuisance.