Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you to everyone for such kind words.

@Isitreallyme177

I always had my distance at 16 miles anything above that was too far. I also never went for people too close as nothing worse than bumping into a failed date in Tesco.

Oh and look whose moved 10 minutes away. Mr Cricket. His nearest supermarket is one I actually go to. Ffs so much for keeping to my rule of not too close.

What happens after 17 miles…?

I used to limit distance more than I do now - I have no idea how OKC manages its algorithms but somehow it managed to offer up lots of attractive options a bit further away than I’d specified.

Have you decided how to approach the Mr Cricket situation?

@FabulousMrFifty

Anyone based in Ireland (Dublin) is probably closer to Ms Wales than myself!

@FabulousMrFifty I’m about an hour from Dublin but was always getting guys from Wales on my Tinder :) I tend to leave my distance limits to the maximum and am glad I did now.

[quote BelladiMamma]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* @SortingItOut* yes this is exactly it, being attracted to very different things.

I don't need money
I don't need kids
I don't need rescuing or treated like a princess and I don't need my parents' expectations met
I don't need a lookalike husband replacement
I don't really care what other people think; people who matter and who know me well won't be judging me

I just want someone interesting and different and who brings a net positive to my life

The danger is ending up with someone who appears a bit different to the ex but actually is a negative presence in my life for other reasons [/quote]
While ex and I weren't married, we were together 13 years with 3 kids. I think my experience is different as it was highly abusive so (as everyone can probably tell!) the number one thing I'm looking for is someone not abusive

The good thing about this is that it makes me super picky. Me and my ex had nothing in common really and I didn't even like him let alone love him for a long, long time. I've spent 6 years single to work on myself, my kids and building my self esteem and life. I can stand on my own two feet and no longer need anyone to rescue or fix me.

I'm now looking for a best friend (with benefits) essentially. Someone I can be my geeky self with, who is happy to have deep and intellectual conversations, but who I can cut off mid sentence to get down and dirty with I also want someone who is willing to resolve conflict rather than shut down or lash out, and who always has my back. Most importantly they will need to treat my kids well (if we ever get to the point of them meeting them).

Not too much to ask for, right?! I'd made peace with potentially being single for the rest of my life, so if I don't find them I don't think I'd be that sad. I have my kids, good friends (and I'm sure I have more friends I've yet to meet!) and these days I find myself endlessly entertaining!

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm actually excited so really hoping it's 'something'. He seems excited too. I'll probably do a post date update tonight as I hate using my phone during a date, even in secret.

Nails done, hair done, just need to pull it together tonight[/quote]
Good luck!!!

Nerves are really kicking in now for tomorrow's meet. Maybe it's just.... excitement? I feel terrified though. Which makes no sense as on the video call I literally wanted to crawl through the screen and kiss him. And so far conversation has been easy.

I want to run away so much I wonder how long this bit will last before I can just relax about seeing him. I just start worrying that he's going to hurt me, or I'll hurt him, etc etc.

Trying very hard just to just tell myself that even it's a flop it's just a few wasted hours and at this stage no hearts are actually going to be broken. And I know that's true.

After some chit chat today he let me know he won't be around this evening as he's marathoning films at a friends but is super excited for tomorrow. I'm glad as my nerves would make me super awkward tonight I think

I want to add to my post above about not wanting to be "rescued" or "fixed". While that's true, and I don't think I need either - I've done a damn good job of rebuilding myself after being torn down by people my entire life... there's only so my rebuilding of myself I can do as a single Pringle.

Something I'm quickly growing to like about Mr Tux is how he seems to "see me" and call me on it when I'm starting to over think / worry / too hard on myself. I'm (hoping) this is quite a different thing. As he doesn't love bomb me in these instances, so that I'd need to rely on him. He just calls me on it which gives me a chance to breath, reset and move on.

I'm catching some feels I think

@InABetterPlaceNow

I want to add to my post above about not wanting to be "rescued" or "fixed". While that's true, and I don't think I need either - I've done a damn good job of rebuilding myself after being torn down by people my entire life... there's only so my rebuilding of myself I can do as a single Pringle.

Something I'm quickly growing to like about Mr Tux is how he seems to "see me" and call me on it when I'm starting to over think / worry / too hard on myself. I'm (hoping) this is quite a different thing. As he doesn't love bomb me in these instances, so that I'd need to rely on him. He just calls me on it which gives me a chance to breath, reset and move on.

I'm catching some feels I think

Gawd @InABetterPlaceNow so many similarities here - lots you’ve written resonates. I was single by choice for 6+ years post my abusive marriage - most of that time because the separation and divorce was so unremittingly stressful I had zero interest in dating.

I’m looking for similar to you and worry about ‘catching feels’ with this one as he ticks a lot of boxes and also gently/in a boundaried way calls me on when I’m overthinking etc. Plus he’s an incredible shag - it really muddles the thinking! I am also finding it hard to just enjoy the moment but am trying very hard to shut my brain up - what is the point otherwise, when you‘ve met someone you click with?!

@InABetterPlaceNow how many times have you met before?

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@InABetterPlaceNow how many times have you met before?[/quote]
We're super duper early stages! Tomorrow will be meet 3 (with the video call in between) so only about 9 hours proper "face to face" time. The first one was 4 months ago, only for an hour, but something really clicked for me in that meet (and I guess in his side too as he stuck around until my life got less crazy again).

So far too early for feels I know!! We've not kissed yet (though there was a lot of chemistry there on last meet). I'm worried about sleeping with him as I think it will cloud my judgement too. If he gets pushy about it, I'll end things.

It just feels like there actually could be a potential something here. A lot of boxes ticked for me too. It feels like there's something safe about him and I'm hoping he doesn't let me down. Because if he doesn't, then even if things don't work out because we discover we're incompatible in some way then it will restore my faith a lot in relationships.

If he does turn out to be a dick then I think I need to do waaay more work on myself because I'm trying to be super mindful / careful!

@Isitreallyme177 too close is a nightmare! My last 2 irons have had the same local everything as me and one of them lives on the same street as my friend who I give a lift home to at least once a week...I virtually duck out of sight as I drive past now! I think a little distance is best!
On the subject of nails, I love mine being done. Usually very basic - short and nude but love feeling nicely groomed.

Dinner and sleepover last night with MrTeacher was great on some levels. He'd made loads of effort with dinner and was really sweet and attentive, we have tons of chemistry in terms of physical stuff. Just the personality gulf is apparent. Even his house, it is so neat and organised and next catalogue matchy matchy whereas mine is definitely lots more chaotic but lots less sterile. Overthinking again, probably!

Plus, he snored like mad and I lay awake til I could do the walk of shame to my car 😅

[quote MizK]@Isitreallyme177 too close is a nightmare! My last 2 irons have had the same local everything as me and one of them lives on the same street as my friend who I give a lift home to at least once a week...I virtually duck out of sight as I drive past now! I think a little distance is best!
On the subject of nails, I love mine being done. Usually very basic - short and nude but love feeling nicely groomed.

Dinner and sleepover last night with MrTeacher was great on some levels. He'd made loads of effort with dinner and was really sweet and attentive, we have tons of chemistry in terms of physical stuff. Just the personality gulf is apparent. Even his house, it is so neat and organised and next catalogue matchy matchy whereas mine is definitely lots more chaotic but lots less sterile. Overthinking again, probably!

Plus, he snored like mad and I lay awake til I could do the walk of shame to my car 😅[/quote]
I never thought of this! As I don't drive I wondered if Mr Tux not living that close will be an issue, but he's only a 5 min train journey away yet far enough away that if it doesn't work out im unlikely to have to see his face again

Im glad you had a (kind of) nice date!!

It all sounds good - keep telling yourself you’re in the ‘getting to know him’ phase and allow yourself the good feelings if you can. I can understand your excitement/trepidation - it sounds like tomorrow’s meet is a key ‘next step’. Deep breaths!

Gawd @MizK - whyyyyy is the snoring so bad with some men? My last iron was horrific.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @MizK
Trust me, men don’t have the exclusive rights on snoring.

En route, bloody tube strike meant tool 30min to even get a cab. Hoping its all worth it!

@Eesha

En route, bloody tube strike meant tool 30min to even get a cab. Hoping its all worth it!

Argh @Eesha - at least you’re in one now!! Good luck! 🍀

@ibelieveinmirrorballs have no idea what to do. Let's see if he actually gets in touch, if he doesn't then it's out of my hands anyway.

Need to RTFT but, oooh. I googled MrBeau ahead of our date on Monday. Oooh.

Yes he may now work behind the camera but he may also have done some rather nice black and white films and adverts for a perfume brand or two before he swapped roles.

Oooooooohhhhh. Need cold shower.

Also: not another bloody actor. That's my 3rd this year ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

[quote MizK]@Isitreallyme177 too close is a nightmare! My last 2 irons have had the same local everything as me and one of them lives on the same street as my friend who I give a lift home to at least once a week...I virtually duck out of sight as I drive past now! I think a little distance is best!
On the subject of nails, I love mine being done. Usually very basic - short and nude but love feeling nicely groomed.

Dinner and sleepover last night with MrTeacher was great on some levels. He'd made loads of effort with dinner and was really sweet and attentive, we have tons of chemistry in terms of physical stuff. Just the personality gulf is apparent. Even his house, it is so neat and organised and next catalogue matchy matchy whereas mine is definitely lots more chaotic but lots less sterile. Overthinking again, probably!

Plus, he snored like mad and I lay awake til I could do the walk of shame to my car 😅[/quote]
@MizK my flat is actually all matchy matchy. In fact most of it came from Next and could be straight out of the catalogue. the bedroom furniture came from Oak Furnitureland😬🙈. I couldn't have mismatched furniture.

@Isitreallyme177 @MizK I love these insights into what people like and how they live!

I like to think I'm eclectic boho but honestly I feel like I could do so much more with my house. I'm not very practical so I get a bit intimidated by the idea of a home decor project.

@Eesha given that you haven't posted yet you must still be on the date and that's surely a good thing!!

Even his house, it is so neat and organised
Yep, a place for everything and everything in its place, can’t stand clutter, or nick nacks or general crap around the place

The thread has moved on a bit but in terms of what a relationship might look like for me, I've realised that I definitely get on better in a situation where there are some shared dreams of the future. So for example when DC leave home to maybe relocate or start up a side gig together? My happiest relationship was with someone I ran a start up type of creative business together. It was just great putting the ideas and the marketing together, negotiating contracts and hiring people in. We also freelanced as a pair on other people's projects.

Of course when it falls apart it's devastating. And even now we meet regularly and talk about work and I think, why didn't we at least manage to keep that going as we are such good friends now? Idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe that's why, because we did clean break and then became friends later. I would love to have that kind of creative collaboration in a relationship again.

But I also know it's not necessarily going to happen as it's a big leap from dating to running a business 😊

@FabulousMrFifty

Even his house, it is so neat and organised Yep, a place for everything and everything in its place, can’t stand clutter, or nick nacks or general crap around the place

Is this you 😁

I love order. But with great big splashes of colour and original art all over it too

I can never decide what I like more, modern, retro or rustic. But I hate clutter, even the cats toys are in a box. My parents house is filled with nick nacks and loads of pictures, to me it's just something else to dust. I do have some bits but they are sentimental and I have one or two big pieces of artwork not 10 small ones. I cannot wait to get back to decorating in the spring and finally getting it how I want it to look.

Good evening ! hope you all have had a good Friday and got an enjoyable weekend planned

Bit slow catching up and even slower typing tonight went for C19 booster with Ms YM1 this morning and my left arm is a bit sore. Ms YM1 was there (a) to make sure I went (b) to pick me up in case I hit the deck, but so far so good I feel ok

@Eesha hope it goes well tonight, post an update if you get chance

Interesting to read about prenups, cleaning & houses, my solicitor gave me a bit of a talking to regarding future partners and making sure a prenup is in place, she also mentioned about not mixing assets, ie not transferring properties into joint names which I did when married.

I love my little house, it's tucked away hidden behind a hedge, quiet as a rule but when DD1 & 2 are here gets a bit louder, mainly with them falling out between themselves. Tried to keep household items to a minimum, mainly because I haven't got much storage space

Not sure if I should admit to this but I do have a cleaner and I do have a ironing person, makes my life much easier so I can concentrate on the girls when they are with me. It's only a recent thing I've started both but it's working well. The cleaner did make me smile when she said will you text me if it's my day to come to you and you've gone out but you've left someone else is in the house, if you know what I mean ! I said zero chance of that atm