Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Pre-nups are a great idea but they need to be very carefully drafted and are not 100% guaranteed to stand up legally

@Dancerinthemoonlight ❤️❤️❤️

I wish someone would rescue me! I hate my life at the moment. Still suffering from pain.

Me and Mr Gambit are still chatting on and off. I think he's reconsidered being friends. He's the only bloke I feel up to chatting to, as he's great at distracting me. Even he doesn't know how bad I am at the moment.

We're actually on a break, which suits me as I just feel like crying all the time. We haven't discussed meeting again, but I can't meet him when I'm like this, otherwise I really will disappoint him.

Part of me hopes he'll meet someone else, so he won't be able to cope with me. But I would really miss him if that happened ❤️

Yes I’ve heard that @JustThisLastLittleBit

I guess also it’s not just “who pays for things over the next few years” - it’s ensuring both parties get a fair deal with regard to pensions and inheritance (which are sometimes sticking points even for established couples as far as I can see!).

Or if one party becomes ill and requires support/care, but wants their assets to go to their children?

I’ve dated an older guy who (despite seeming prosperous enough) clearly had his eye on getting a younger woman to take on the long-term caring but his house was his children’s!

That stuff often seems to play out like in a Jane Austen novel with second wives, and one party often ends up feeling wronged or let down or taken advantage of.

I guess I feel I’ve got my little plan which works for me and my desired quality of life, so any additional variables would just confuse things!

(By on a break, I mean, not talking. Not saying we're in a relationship.)

I didn't think prenups were recognised in the UK, thought it was more an American thing.

@Isitreallyme177 they originated in America, I think, but they're becoming popular in the uk. ❤️

dancer sorry to hear about your dog. It’s so hard losing pets, dread the day it happens here:( - be kind to yourself

Good discussion about how future relationships will look when you have come out of a marriage - I don’t want to merge finances again and won’t live with anyone while my kids are at home -my youngest is only 11 and will be at home for a while yet.
If Mr L and I last I don’t know how we would merge lives more fully anyway given the distance and our family connections to the areas we live in. I like the idea of spending 3/4 days a week together -best of both worlds:) I also like where he lives -holiday destination/ near a city so spending more time there would be lovely 😊

Was supposed to be seeing Mr L this weekend but it’s not happening now. I’m a little disappointed but also looking forward to having a child free weekend to myself as we have spent all of my child free time together since we met.

@SpringlikeBunk agree about the living together apart thing and doing fun stuff together. I have small children and a busy job plus my ex refused to leave when we split up so I don't want our harmony messed up. I tend to say this upfront about what I would like and most if not all want the same. Even Mr Drummer said he was perfectly happy with his life and resigned himself to being single but in any relationship, wanted them to know that he loved his life and time with his child and wasn't going to be moving/rushing in any time soon.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

A very sad update from me. My dog went over the rainbow bridge this afternoon. I was with her at the vets when it happened and they made it as good as it could have been by giving her a blanket to lay on and being incredibly kind and compassionate. Although I have been expecting it and I knew the end was near it's still been an incredibly difficult day with lots of tears shed tonight.

Very sorry to read this, I love dogs and it was always a terrible time when they finally go

Ms Wales is 49, 50 early next year, she says she is more sexual than 10 years ago..( lucky ol me..)

As for getting married again, NO WAY.
Full time cohabitation NO
Shared Finances Fat No.

I'd get married again, to the right person, it isn't everything though. I'd share finances again but I would make sure I protected my assets. I would full time live with someone but I wouldn't sell my flat, not in the beginning anyway. The next time I would be able to go into it knowing what happened the first time and protect myself.

Maybe I'm a dreamer but I still have the dream of the house full of family, friends and pets. Thinking about what I lost when my marriage fell apart actually makes me more determined to get that dream next time.

@MayEye I know its disappointing when plans gets changed but it sounds like having some and child and man free time is perfect.

I think its difficult for resident parents to date because a lot of the time their free time is limited so its very easy to end up spending all your spare time with the person you're seeing and having no time to yourself or for seeing friends/family.

Although Mr K is not the resident parent he has his son a lot and was spending all his spare time with me which I kept telling him was not healthy, fast forward a year and things have evened out and he does get some free time to himself which I prefer.

What are you thinking of doing this weekend?
I love my weekends to myself (Mr K has his son every weekend), well my son is home but in his 20's, i love pleasing myself and doing what I want.

I will probably get another dog again, maybe a little terrier or something when I retire.

Then I can be that old bloke who walks his dog round the park muttering to himself about the mess the kids have made etc.

@MayEye @SortingItOut I think the difficulty comes when you don’t really get much child-free time and/or don’t live nearby - I can well imagine giving too much of my child-free time to be with a partner because otherwise we’d hardly see each other. If you can easily have mid-week meets it’s a bit less stressful if a weekend gets cancelled.

Like you @MayEye my iron lives a distance away - not sure how this would pan out over time as we also both have family commitments in our areas.

@FabulousMrFifty

I will probably get another dog again, maybe a little terrier or something when I retire.

Then I can be that old bloke who walks his dog round the park muttering to himself about the mess the kids have made etc.

I’m already that person! I even have a litter picker 😂

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Litter Picker eh ?, you are hardcore, respect!

People give you a very wide berth when you have a litter picker, I can tell you 😂

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@MayEye @SortingItOut I think the difficulty comes when you don’t really get much child-free time and/or don’t live nearby - I can well imagine giving too much of my child-free time to be with a partner because otherwise we’d hardly see each other. If you can easily have mid-week meets it’s a bit less stressful if a weekend gets cancelled.

Like you @MayEye my iron lives a distance away - not sure how this would pan out over time as we also both have family commitments in our areas.[/quote]
How far away are your respective irons?

@FabulousMrFifty I don't think the question was aimed at me although I was tagged.
I'm very lucky that Mr K is only 15 mins away....although he's buying a house next year and I'm wondering how far away he'll be and if it will be too far (likeky between 20 - 30 mins)😂

@SortingItOut,
Sorry, apologies, was just checking distances, Ms Wales is between 160 & 200 miles depending on route about 4.5 hrs.

@FabulousMrFifty I think a lot on here have quite a distance and there's me worrying about 30 mins🤦‍♀️

I think your distance is the greatest😱

Gosh yes @FabulousMrFifty I think you win - mines about 70m I think but a 2hr drive - too far really!

@SortingItOut I’m doing loads of chores I have been putting off/ ignoring and going to enjoy lie ins and pottering on my own. My life is full throttle with the kids all week so the down time is badly needed.
I actually feel fine about plans changing because I know it’s for genuine reasons and we are seeing each other next weekend anyway. It is such a contrast from previous irons where I was anxious and assuming (correctly!) a waning of interest when plans were dropped or not made in advance at all.

@FabulousMrFifty Mr L lives about 100km/ an hour 40 away so we only tend to see each other every second weekend at most.

Anyone based in Ireland (Dublin) is probably closer to Ms Wales than myself!

I always had my distance at 16 miles anything above that was too far. I also never went for people too close as nothing worse than bumping into a failed date in Tesco.

Oh and look whose moved 10 minutes away. Mr Cricket. His nearest supermarket is one I actually go to. Ffs so much for keeping to my rule of not too close.