Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Dancerinthemoonlight, sending my love. These are the toughest of times. I hope the sadness at her loss today will be eased by knowing that she had a lovely life with you xxx

@Eesha excited for you ref your date tonight. How are you feeling and most importantly will we get a loo update?

LOO UPDATE! LOO UPDATE!

Also maybe pic of the nails please? Xx

Just a Friday morning ponder.

How much have peoples' expectations of dating changed post divorce?

I assumed that I'd have no trouble in meeting someone around my age, similar background and financial set up.

To be fair, I do have my trio of Hugh Grants locally, but I don't find them attractive- which is why they're friends of long standing rather than exes - and I'm now assuming that whoever I get together with eventually for the Relationship rather than a dating fling, is going to look very different to me 'on paper' eg age, finances, home set up.

Is this partly because I'm the classic 'parent with the responsibilities' in this scenario so I've still got the stable set up at home and outwardly have the respectable middle class house and garden scenario, or is it something else? I mean, I wonder if I'm just attracted to something completely different now? I can't imagine anything worse than getting together with one of my Hugh Grants. It would feel like a step backwards.

@Dancerinthemoonlight so sorry about your dog :(

@BelladiMamma I think once you've done marriage and divorce/long term relationship once (or twice) then you don't necessarily want that again so you're looking for different qualities and values in someone new.

I've had office jobs all my life, my ex husband was similar and I never thought I'd date any other type of job even though I'm working class.
Mr K is a builder (has a company with a mate but is very hands on still), I would never have thought I'd have a relationship with a labourer but actually he is everything my ex isn't and it works.
We have the same thoughts on values, morals, politics etc.

Too be fair I didn't deliberately look for different to my ex and it was his good looks and distance that attracted me to him for an FWB but here we are now.
I'm pleased we did it this way because I'm not sure our paths would have crossed any other way.

Interesting thoughts @BelladiMamma - from my own perspective, having everything I already need financially and having procreated etc - it’s fascinating to me how differently I can view dating. I’m not looking to be rescued/completed and am no longer angsting about whether or not I’ll have a family (this theme dominated my pre marriage life).

I think I’m much more open to different types of partner, and different types of relationship. Ultimately I feel very driven to want respectful, intelligent, sexy connection and adventure, rather than an inevitable drifting towards cohabitation etc. It’s not easy to find but it’s possible I think!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @SortingItOut yes this is exactly it, being attracted to very different things.

I don't need money
I don't need kids
I don't need rescuing or treated like a princess and I don't need my parents' expectations met
I don't need a lookalike husband replacement
I don't really care what other people think; people who matter and who know me well won't be judging me

I just want someone interesting and different and who brings a net positive to my life

The danger is ending up with someone who appears a bit different to the ex but actually is a negative presence in my life for other reasons

@Dancerinthemoonlight thinking of you!

Interesting discussion @BelladiMamma

Like you, I don’t want kids anymore now I have my two.

I don’t want to live with anyone else while the kids are young - and maybe permanently.

Mr Beard’s bathroom is rather grubby and I was thinking about how if we were living together I’d probably end up cleaning after him. And felt glad we’re not living together!

Suspect my sex drive will possibly drop by 50s so maybe at that point I’ll just focus on friends anyway.

Like you and @ibelieveinmirrorballs I’m looking for interesting and adventure rather than a traditional path of cohabiting - done more than enough of someone else’s washing thank you!

@Stayingstrongish lol I've definitely had enough of that work too!! I can just about manage to keep on top of my own stuff and DD's and the dogs'.

I wouldn't count on your sex drive dropping off in Your 50's ... I'm 51 & counting. I can see from older friends that it keeps going well into your 70's unless you have a rotten menopause or you're stuck in a sexless marriage

Gawd no re sex drive dropping (thank you HRT) - 51 here too and fully intend to keep going into 70s!

@BelladiMamma, really interesting topic! Although i've never been married or really had a succesful LTR i feel like i have a good setup, decent job, hobbies, friends and my DS and little Pug. I'm no longer interested in setting a 'life/relationship' plan anymore which feels so liberating. I always thought i'd have more kids but not really fussed if i do or don't anymore. And i haven't really heard many positive stories of marriage lately 3 couples split last year alone in my DS's year and about a third of his classmates are from patch-work families too. I feel a lot less like i 'stick' out as a single parent which i did for years and it was horrible.

@Eesha did you post about how to know if something is a line i struggle with this as well. I guess it sort of ties in with how patient and understanding someone is and does the line they've used tie in with their actions. I suppose i've been fed many lines by magnet-man but what sticks out for me is he is still around and has made me more of a priority. So when reading those messages that tend to raise a lot of questions in the background i try to see if his actions match up. Patience, keeness and openness are key and need to be mutual i think to making something work. Good Luck for tonight!

And for those who were talking about 'tone' when texting and having serious 'conversations' over text i fully agree that any discussion open to interpretation should be had f2f. It's very easy to suddenly end up in an arguement that could have been avoided simply by picking up the phone or seeing someone.

Finally Friday! But flipping wintery out here, snow's on it's way!

@Stayingstrongish Housework is one of the reasons I won't live with a man again, I don't want to be lumbered with doing it all or needing to have discussions about it.

Ironically Mr K's house is cleaner than mine, I know occasionally he leaves his washing up for 2 days but don't we all.

Mr K and I have no plans to live together although he thinks when we're in our 70's we will🤷‍♀️
He knows the main reasons I won't live with a man and I mentioned housework as well and he said he would probably do it all as I have evening meetings sometimes - I told him that most women would love that but it would actually fill me with huge guilt....so not only am I worried about doing it all, I'm worried about him doing it all.
Honestly he can't win😂

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm so sorry for your loss, they are such little heart stealers.

@BelladiMamma interesting my ex and I are like chalk and cheese. I'm not sure how we lasted 14 years other than the fear of being on our own.

The two I met from OLD have been the opposite of my ex. Same education, both financially stable, similar family backgrounds, decent jobs, intellectually very similar(even if Computer Geek was slightly vain). I remember in September Mr Cricket said he was looking forward to a few days away so he can sit and read his book, which is exactly what I would do (I even took a book on honeymoon and actually read it😬).

But then I'm also very much of the view I want to settle down again. I want to live with a man again but this time he has to be the right man so I'm maybe being really picky.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm actually excited so really hoping it's 'something'. He seems excited too. I'll probably do a post date update tonight as I hate using my phone during a date, even in secret.

Nails done, hair done, just need to pull it together tonight

@BelladiMamma and @ibelieveinmirrorballs good to hear that sex drives keep going in 50s and beyond!

@SortingItOut exactly, it’s nice not to have those discussions or resentment about housework anymore. Even though there is only one adult in the house I’m now doing less housework than before! And when my ex has got rid of all the clutter he’s left behind it will be wonderful.

My main worry about living alone is the finances, but will just have to see how that goes.

@Eesha I've booked nails for Monday ♥️

Likewise hoping my date zero is 'something'.

I've also binned off a lot of the other chats or pulled back significantly so I'm running out of other options before Christmas 🤣

@Stayingstrongish I know a lot of people either stay together or cohabit for financial reasons but I'd rather be poor but happy.

My ex husband had a spending addiction so there was never much money as it was up to me to pay for things when he couldnt (normal bills, food etc).
Now if I don't have spare money its my own fault and I'm much happier as I'm not angry with my ex for making me short of money.

I know living with someone would give me loads of extra money but I'm not prepared to do that even if I'm sure that person is 'the one'.
Me and Mr K will be LAT (Living Apart Together) for years, we are a fully committed couple but just won't ever live together or blend families or finances.

@BelladiMamma I had no clue what I was looking for when I started dating at 54 after 10 years of celibacy in a difficult marriage. 18 months of outrageous shagathons from OLD followed, thank goodness. Now I have Mr GN living here for 3/4 working days a week who brings steadfastness, affection and really good sex into my life. At 59, my sex drive is sky high, long May it continue, fuck off to the idea of just ‘companionship’! I have weekends and holidays without him, to see friends and family, and have adventures. Aside from the fact Mr GN is quite obviously a shorter, fatter, younger version of my XH physically, both he and my lifestyle couldn’t be more different than before. I wouldn’t have predicted it at all.

That’s why I’m so surprised when people seem to know what they’re looking for. I literally had no idea, until I found it, though I did know it wasn’t someone to share finances with 😱 and I already had adult DC.

Oh and the only clothes of Mr GN’s that I wash are ones that I’ve given him, if they fit in with a load that I’m doing for myself. The rest of his clothes I would happily burn, they’re hideous!

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I'm actually excited so really hoping it's 'something'. He seems excited too. I'll probably do a post date update tonight as I hate using my phone during a date, even in secret.

Nails done, hair done, just need to pull it together tonight[/quote]
I really hope so too! I felt that way when I met my iron (still can’t think of a name) although wasn’t sure if I’d fancy him. We probably broke all first date rules - he booked a hotel on the proviso we may not use it, and spent 24 hours hiking, lying on a nudist beach staring at clouds, eating and shagging He definitely exceeded expectations! I’m quite used to that feeling of “oh I’m excited, that probably means I’ll be disappointed in the flesh” so this made a nice change!

I have no idea how I feel about living with a man again. I mean, Mr D is fully house trained/completely self sufficient but I do like my space. That said, he works away often.
My expectations and search are similar to yours @BelladiMamma in that I don't need money/kids/marriage as I'm a homeowning, divorced mum! But as I'm still v early thirties, I feel like sometimes I'm expected to 'do it all again'.
For the time being, I'm just enjoying the experience and not overthinking the big stuff. Whether that's the right approach remains to be seen!

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Excited for you and your proper dinner date @Eesha

Definitely a fan of living together apart here or whatever it’s called
long term.

Just looking at all the threads about joint finances (especially if one or both party has children) and making it “fair” (not just for 4-5 years but think about broader long term issues like inheritance and getting attached to a house/building a life in an area you don’t have a financial stake in?)

I’ve dated guys who do a lot better than me financially due to career timing and I don’t want to beggar myself “keeping up with them and contributing to a house and lifestyle that is more appropriate to their income level”.

This wasn’t a “heavy personal discussion” just when we were exchanging basic info but MrHedgehog said he’d do a pre-nuptial if he got married and I think for most people past a certain age and level of assets that makes sense?

Big joint holidays together or lovely domestic chunks of time at one persons house if possible - yes.