Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@FabulousMrFifty does it stop you sleeping though..? Men are so much better at dropping off than women (or me, anyway..) in these situations. And if they snore then 😫😫😫😱😱 it’s game over.

Video calls are my new thing too @Eesha - I can’t believe I’ve met people in the past without having one, or sometimes even a phone call, first! I would never do that now. The last iron I met we didn’t click physically face to face, which I had suspected would be the case… but there were no ‘surprises’ (other than the obligatory “I’m 5’8” despite having told you I’m 5’10” scenario).

@everyone with the decent coffee makers i'm very envious as i'm on about 4hrs sleep after my trip down the road to where magnet-man was last night! We had the LED lights on blue this time and 90's Techno blasting from the sound system. It was like being in an actual dream. I had worried slightly that he was a bit fed up because last week i was unable to meet him because of my DS and no childcare, but i think @FabulousMrFifty and a few others mentioned that if there is genuine interest and desire to keep things alive then there's understanding and allowances made on both sides. Admittedly it's pretty difficult inbetween seeing him so i really want for him to be in regular contact. I text more than he does but he's reassured me enogh last night that we're good and he's taken
@Heartbeats0708 pleased your all settled again with MrD. Sounds like you're feeling a little more comfortable to open up and he's stepping up and being really supportive. I can't remember if he's met your kids yet or is it too soon?
@Shayelle2009 any news on topshop or topflop man? Still texting?
@1 day to go right, dates tomorrow? i'm hoping it's everything you want it to be.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs
This might be TMI, but normally post sex and cuddling in bed with warm woman curvy woman I’m out like a light.
Don’t know if I snore, no one has ever said do, but I notice ms Wales has a little snorty thing going on,,,

Re tea - I don't like chai, I wish I did!

I love the wooden box but clearly it's useless as my tea needs to be kept airtight, so I'd use that as a jewellery box.

Re sleeping, I barely sleep anyway, 3am is pretty normal for me. But first few times with a guy, no sleep at all. Poor MrWG had almost no sleep either the first night he stayed because he has this thing about rubbing my back to help me sleep. Doesn't work, but he was worried because I wasn't asleep.

I worry that I will fart. And I do! But I don't care if he does, and he doesn't, somehow. It's just one of those things.

Snoring, I tell them in advance - if you snore, I'll wake you up to turn over. They've always been fine about it.

I have a teddy, he's just called Panda. I do sleep with him but my sleep is not dependent on him.

Re missing home - I'm missing my routine, walking group etc. But I've been so busy here, four days with MrWG, met an old work colleague from thirty years ago for drinks (was a bit of a fling back then), had four friends round on Sat, met nephew for Sunday lunch, friend over Mon night.....she's coming tomorrow to stay while I head off for a gig, back Sat and we'll have dinner, then I'm off home Thursday. Might meet up with the colleague again in between and another ex colleague is trying to set up a video call so can do that one evening for company.

I missed MrWG so much after he left. I was bereft. He's laid up now with a reaction to his booster jab.

Oh, dating, a couple of guys on Feeld being pushy. On there they seem to just want to meet up immediately. I still need to get to know someone a bit.

MrConsultant from there is hanging on in too, occasional chats.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @InABetterPlaceNow it's so interesting reading your posts, you seem to be in a very similar place? Good to see you're both feeling your way and hopefully building confidence as you do. The journey on OLD is quite something.

@Naimee87 you & your magnet certainly know how to have a good time. I love that when your iron is your escape and you float off on the techno beat and the flashing lights. What a night!

All PP talking about sleep. I'm the same; I'm also conscious of checking in very early with my DD even if she's at her Dad's, to make sure her transport is sorted and she's ok for the day ahead. Then of course there are the dogs to sort, if someone has stayed here with me then I will get up and sort out the dogs and bring coffee upstairs. Plus this morning there's a very noisy load of tree work going on!!

@MizK @heartbeats nice positive updates 😊

@VanGoghsDog that does sound like a nice break. But also lovely to get back home. Any more MrWG plans on the horizon before Christmas?

Talking of which this Covid thing (I've now tested negative after a positive test so not sure what to call it), has completely knocked me out. At first I couldn't sleep because of my asthma and now I'm just out like a log.

Amazingly MrBeau is going to be in my hometown over Christmas. He has family here. So hopefully date zero next week as soon as I'm better and then if things go well, I'll be cuffed over Christmas. I'm actually doing a good job of enjoying the flirting and I know all the pitfalls already and I'm just like, yeah sure, pitfalls all around but I'll live. He's still in a family making frame of mind; he's younger than me & out of a LTR that he thought was headed that way. He'd need to date a little younger than him to get a prospective mother of his children so that's his lookout. He's also transitioning career wise and last year had a complete health breakdown - in the same way I did (chronic asthma) weirdly so we've swapped lots of notes about medication and prevention. Other than that we share lots of the same dreams and interests and relationship goals. For someone I met on Feeld he's jumped straight in with two feet, asking me about what I'm looking for and trying to understand if it could be a LTR. Which is all well and good, it's not what I was looking for and expecting but I'm happy to be open with him. So far so good. Crossing fingers we get to the date zero stage and it's all hunky dory.

@BelladiMamma thanks! I only hope the threads still here should things go 'tits up' again with him. Trying to stay positive but the thought of history repeating itself is a thought that isn't easy to squash completely. This MrBeau sounds like fun, just out of curiosty how much younger is he. My only experience with a younger guy was pretty dissapointing actually as he had clue what he was doing. Was a shame because there was so much potential/chemistry there! I just seem to like men in their 40's never actually tried dating anyone whose in their 30's like me...

@Naimee87 he's 10 years younger than me. I've been with a guy much younger than me before and same as you, in the end I found it quite boring. I will date 10 years either side of my age; my ex h is 6 years younger than me and most of my boyfriends in my 20's were a lot older, I think the biggest age gap was 18 years. My mum's partner is 11 years younger than her and honestly you'd think it was the other way round! She's very beautiful and young at heart and he's turned into an old codger.

Don't worry we will be if it goes tits up 🤣 that's what the thread is for!!

@BelladiMamma

@VanGoghsDog that does sound like a nice break. But also lovely to get back home. Any more MrWG plans on the horizon before Christmas?

(It's not really a break, I've been run off my feet, this house and the animals need a lot of dealing with! And I'm still working)

No :(

I am already booked up the following evenings: 4th, 8th, 10th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 20th. And days 5th, 11th, 12th, 19th! And I have two people to try to arrange things with too.

I'm not doing Christmas presents this year (step son and God son will get vouchers, niece and nephew will get money, cousins kids will get a small thing as they are young) but I have got a small gift for MrWG, a wtf notebook. He said he'd been thinking about writing his life story for his kids (complicated situation with them, plus he has a very complex history) and I'm hoping to encourage him to do it with this notebook with a silly caption on the front. He hates writing, possibly dyslexic, but he's not bad at it at all. And I love writing, so I reckon if I can persuade him to scribble some notes we can come up with something for his kids. Hopefully he won't see it as too intrusive.

[quote VanGoghsDog]@BelladiMamma

@VanGoghsDog that does sound like a nice break. But also lovely to get back home. Any more MrWG plans on the horizon before Christmas?

(It's not really a break, I've been run off my feet, this house and the animals need a lot of dealing with! And I'm still working)

No :(

I am already booked up the following evenings: 4th, 8th, 10th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 20th. And days 5th, 11th, 12th, 19th! And I have two people to try to arrange things with too.

I'm not doing Christmas presents this year (step son and God son will get vouchers, niece and nephew will get money, cousins kids will get a small thing as they are young) but I have got a small gift for MrWG, a wtf notebook. He said he'd been thinking about writing his life story for his kids (complicated situation with them, plus he has a very complex history) and I'm hoping to encourage him to do it with this notebook with a silly caption on the front. He hates writing, possibly dyslexic, but he's not bad at it at all. And I love writing, so I reckon if I can persuade him to scribble some notes we can come up with something for his kids. Hopefully he won't see it as too intrusive.[/quote]
Oh yes I see now! Not a break. Sounds like daily life! 🤣

Bummer about MrWG. I love those note books, are they the ones with captions on them?

I love those note books, are they the ones with captions on them?

Yes. It says: 'Random thoughts and other notes I'll turn into a book one day'.

I've got one for my cousin that says 'work and other shit I can ignore'.

I bought them as leaving gifts for people I worked with three jobs ago, saying things like 'cunts I hate' and 'tasks I'll never do' etc.

@VanGoghsDog did you not mention to have a chat about things you were concerned about a while ago? It sounds like a really busy trip! But i'm surprised in all that time you weren't able to talk about some of the concerns you had for your future. Perhaps i'm a bit off topic here but i thought you'd wanted to clarify what you were to each other.

[quote Naimee87]@VanGoghsDog did you not mention to have a chat about things you were concerned about a while ago? It sounds like a really busy trip! But i'm surprised in all that time you weren't able to talk about some of the concerns you had for your future. Perhaps i'm a bit off topic here but i thought you'd wanted to clarify what you were to each other.[/quote]
:)

I'm terrible at approaching these topics, or at talking about anything remotely emotional. So, yep, four days, not a single "so, what about us then?" conversation.

There was one whole evening we didn't put the TV on and just chatted but I still didn't bring it up.

Obviously I'm scared if I do he'll feel pressured and run away. If I don't, I feel anxious. There's also the risk he thinks something totally different to me and runs away because I'm not showing enough commitment/emotion/desire, while what I'm actually trying to do is avoid putting pressure on him!

Impossible. (Me, that is)

I bought them as leaving gifts for people I worked with three jobs ago, saying things like 'cunts I hate' and 'tasks I'll never do' etc.

I read this and almost spat my drink over my laptop, I was laughing so hard

@VanGoghsDog 🤣 how many of them took them into work do you think?! Ugh I feel you re the not talking. It can take so much mental energy to get to talking and then knowing what you want out of that conversation and the fear that if it backfires you've potentially lost something good.

Have completely forgotten about half the chats I've got going as MrBeau is completely filling up my time. So when I get a message asking for confirmation on a date zero from MrLumberjack I'm like - who dis? 🤣🤣🤣 to be fair he has given me really short notice twice now, and I'm ill, so he's pretty much put himself out of the running 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BelladiMamma that’s great news about MrBeau - any exciting plans for your date zero?

It certainly is a bumpy ride OLD. I’ve been “hard at it” (well, in spurts) for 18 months, with three ‘things’ having developed in that time… one 6 weeker (ghosted), one 6 monther (mostly during lockdown, massive over-promiser and under-deliverer) and now this. I really can see now that each experience, whether that be just chatting and binning, or meeting, or more… is teaching me something and helping me hone what I want/need. After the first ghosting I was devastated and swore I’d never go back on the apps. Very glad I did and have a bit more resilience as a result (only a bit mind).

Lovely check ins from iron earlier as I had a big meeting to chair - which went really well - zooming around London and generally feeling grateful for life today!

@VanGoghsDog I am with you completely on not bringing up the topic of “what is this?” It’s so hard to do that when you know doing so might lead to a conclusion you don’t like.

I know sometimes we do need to have these conversations - but it’s hard to know exactly when.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs it's all fairly low key meet during the day to walk the pooches. He's a freelancer like me so we have the luxury of being able to meet during the week. We will probably walk the dogs. We thought if we got on during the walk we'd have a few mini dates that day and later in the week. All depends if I'm better!

That sounds like a great if busy day!

I'm with you re old. It's bruising at first but then you're in the routine of things going to shit or not materialising and it's not such a biggie when it happens. Obviously if anything develops then you're in relationship territory and emotions are in play.

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@VanGoghsDog I am with you completely on not bringing up the topic of “what is this?” It’s so hard to do that when you know doing so might lead to a conclusion you don’t like.

I know sometimes we do need to have these conversations - but it’s hard to know exactly when.[/quote]
It's complicated by the fact he's not from OLD, I know him in RL, we have mutual friends and acquaintances.

I know I'd take it hard if he said he didn't want to continue once he knows I have the feelz. So normally in that situation I'd go NC. But I can't as I'd see him now and then and hear about him. And I don't want any unpleasantness.

The other weekend was the ideal time, except that I didn't want to upset the lovely, chilled, couply time we were having.

[quote BelladiMamma]@ibelieveinmirrorballs it's all fairly low key meet during the day to walk the pooches. He's a freelancer like me so we have the luxury of being able to meet during the week. We will probably walk the dogs. We thought if we got on during the walk we'd have a few mini dates that day and later in the week. All depends if I'm better!

That sounds like a great if busy day!

I'm with you re old. It's bruising at first but then you're in the routine of things going to shit or not materialising and it's not such a biggie when it happens. Obviously if anything develops then you're in relationship territory and emotions are in play. [/quote]
That sounds eminently sensible and lovely. I was freelance in my first career (television) and miss that freedom sometimes. Does MrBeau live nearby?

@VanGoghsDog yes I can see the delicate aspects of your situation and also can’t blame you for wanting to savour the nice couply time you were having. Its what makes the shit bits of OLD palatable!

I should add, I also don't want to be another "best friend" that he has to worry about, he has too many of those, and I have enough failed Tinder contacts!

@VanGoghsDog

I should add, I also don't want to be another "best friend" that he has to worry about, he has too many of those, and I have enough failed Tinder contacts!

I think the category of person “decent human who partly gives me what I need but can’t give me completely what I need” is the hardest to let go of voluntarily.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs he's about 30 miles away, so not too bad at all. And has family in my hood and likes it here so will probably travel to me

@VanGoghsDog yup, totally get ALL of that. If you want/need to stay friends the conversation has to happen when you're feeling strong enough for any answer

@VanGoghsDog do you not wonder why the convo has to be instigated by you? Why does he not want to know where he stands in relation to you? Are you sharing a poor communication style, or do you want completely different things?

I think there’s a rule about this at the start of the thread…

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@VanGoghsDog do you not wonder why the convo has to be instigated by you? Why does he not want to know where he stands in relation to you? Are you sharing a poor communication style, or do you want completely different things?

I think there’s a rule about this at the start of the thread…[/quote]
He said: "I'm aware I'm not good boyfriend material because of my hectic life, that's why I prefer the friends option".

So that's where we are as far as everyone is concerned. It's not a relationship (as such).

He's also happy if I see/date/shag other men. Though he says he will not see other women.

The reason something has to be raised by me is if I want to make it more than it currently is, or I want him to know I have feelings.

He does upset me at times, like rejecting every offer of support over his op and cobbling together half baked plans when I was easily able to help. But I suspect he doesn't want to rely on me, or make me feel we have any sort of inter dependency.

Or maybe he has feelings too and is trying not to get too close.
Who knows.

He knows that he runs the risk I'll just meet someone else. I told him that the gap in my life was not for an occasional FB (at this stage of my life, the sex aspect is actually secondary). He just said he's happy to be filling part of the gap in my life. Hey ho.

[quote BelladiMamma]@ibelieveinmirrorballs he's about 30 miles away, so not too bad at all. And has family in my hood and likes it here so will probably travel to me

@VanGoghsDog yup, totally get ALL of that. If you want/need to stay friends the conversation has to happen when you're feeling strong enough for any answer [/quote]
I’d happily take 30 miles - sounds perfect!