Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Heartbeats0708

The thread moves so quick, I'm similar to you and keep things close to my chest, I think it's a bit of self protection kicking and coming out of a difficult relationship

@BelladiMamma

Should we be looking at a name change to 'BetBella' happy to have £5 on a each way bet 😂😉

@Heartbeats0708
Tired and can't type...... Kicking in

@FabulousMrFifty

Someone was talking about coffee on this tread recently, I’ve just ordered some beans and one of them is so posh it comes with it own calling card !

I told myself I would not succumb to Black Friday this year.

Last Friday AO sent me a message about coffee (for Black Friday "week").

I lasted until 12:30 and I ordered a Nespresso machine.

It's not even Black Friday for real yet!

I love coffee. Decent beans and a press would probably have worked... it's good coffee though

@Heartbeats0708

Phew you lot have been busy! Taken me ages to catch up. Really interesting chat on what to ask/reveal and when. I'm a very inquisitive person and love to hear about individual history- not necessarily gory details- but appreciate it can be a bit full on for some so I try to hold back. Mr D pointed out to me that I'm also not that forthcoming with my own info which I hadn't realised! Finally had chance to iron out that misunderstanding and feel so much better for it and still very firmly on the smitten bench.

I think I triggered that and I'm glad you found it interesting as I felt bad (as a newbie here) to jump in asking for thoughts.

Thank you to everyone who gave their thoughts!

I find people, and myself, fascinating. What started as a "jealous feeling" when called by both Mr Tux and many of you here allowed a deep dive into how I tick and what's going on with me.

Then I bore even myself!

I'd rather know everything about someone but I think there is a balance on how much too soon vs letting a fantasy play out with someone "perfect" rather than human.

Mr Tux was unusually quiet today. I reached out with a random life funny and we've played off each other a bit but both backed off which is good.

My next concern is that I want face to face time this weekend but childcare is lacking. I could easily do a good 4 hours or so BUT the conversations obv led to a bit more.

Ideally I'd just explain that, we'd get to know each other a bit more (and I'll say if he wants to keep going with FWBs at this stage it's fine if it comes up).

If he disappears it will just be incompatibility right? Or should have have solid childcare in place to date?

Kids are 11, 12 and 17 so I'm struggling with what I can get away with. And looks like babysit plans with friends won't be forthcoming this weekend.

@BelladiMamma

For anyone that's put any money on this I think we are:

MrBeau evens
BeardFlake 15 to 1
MrPT 5 to 1

I'll keep updating the odds, and I'm using 'Prince Harry to come out as gay' as my proxy bet for MrA coming back and asking to have another try.

Ooh I do miss my barrowboy days I could just shout over to the traders and ask them to make me a price 'I'm going long MrBeau lads, what's my price on half a ton' 🤣🤣🤣

My bets on Prince Harry!! 🤣😂

But I did always like the underdog situation.

With my sensible head on, you'll get what you are looking for and more eventually ☺️ as will all of us!

@InABetterPlaceNow
I went out last night and it was the 1st time I had left DD 1 & 2

DD1 is 17 and sensible but I still feel nervous leaving them

Jump in anytime!

@InABetterPlaceNow
Sometimes when I go away I’ll grind some beans and take a cafetière with me, I do like a decent coffee in the morning.

“It’s all in the grind” 😯

@FabulousMrFifty

@SpringlikeBunk, oh I’m so sorry, you have to suffer like that, here is some coffee porn to cheer you up

I swear by this fella. No need for single use capsules or pods, just buy ground coffee and keep it fresh.

Can't be arsed with it every day though! I'd be flying

@InABetterPlaceNow I hope you're not blaming yourself or your lack of childcare for the situation? Guys just have to deal with the fact that women have the burden of childcare and if they're not understanding of that then they shouldn't date people with kids ...

@InABetterPlaceNow
Anyone bloke really likes you will know about childcare and what goes with that, and will have to just deal with it, it’s one if the reasons I’m having a few issues getting to see ms Wales, she has 1 kid at home still so we have to work around that as well (goes to its father’s).

I hate coffee, but I always keep good ground coffee in and have a cafetier for guests.

I'm extremely fussy about my tea.

I'm still away from home, a week to go!

Thank you everyone! I need to be less apologetic in general but especially around the kiddos. I can only do what I can do.

Ended up pushing for some voice / video time tonight (I'm having a late one) which is totally unlike me but need something other than text.

Does video chat count as a "meet"?

Just got off a call and everything I was worried about has been straightened out. He's absolutely up for adult conversation, apologised for some things when I put my thoughts forward but mostly had a laugh and got to know each other better.

He has no problem with the weekend needing to be cut short because of childcare and is just keen to see me.

He's also worked out the genius tactic of calling me by my full name when I overthink things 🙄(as I'd joked people only use it when I'm "in trouble").

He clarified the girl he took out for cinema and dinner was indeed a platonic friend (she's married with a kid) and that he's not that much of a douche.

Maybe I can trust my gut feeling of quite liking him?

Now I really need to sleep as have to be up for the school run! But time just melted 😂

That all sounds good @InABetterPlaceNow - I’m a big fan of the video call. Yikes to your bedtime though!

Big coffee fan here although like @BelladiMamma I keep things relatively simple with a cafetière or stove top espresso maker.

Heard from my iron yesterday after what seems like a regular pause in comms early in the week. I am my own worst enemy because I don’t want constant (and mundane) texting/updates for the sake of it, but start to get uncomfortable if it doesn’t proceed exactly as I like it. We have a fun weekend away in the diary for a couple of weeks time and I would like to think I might allow myself to actually relax and enjoy the fact I’ve met a decent seeming guy and am having exactly what I wanted - adventures in my child-free time. It’s a slightly stressy weekend with it all this weekend - he has a v old friend (who he’s also shagged in the past) coming to stay and he told me about this after we’d met once. TMI too soon, as discussed yesterday. I feel surprisingly relaxed about it in that - it’s up to him what he does, and what he does will be revealing in itself, and will probably tip things one way or the other as far as I’m concerned. In the meantime I’m staying with an old FWB in London (obvious response much? 😆) although absolutely nothing will happen on that front. We’re off to see an exhibition at the Royal Academy then to see a new play which annoyingly got pretty dire press reviews yesterday but hey ho!

@InABetterPlaceNow yay so pleased your worries have been put to rest! I would definitely try to relax into just liking him if you can. As a chronic overthinker, I know that's not easy but surely we're allowed to enjoy the good bits of dating, few as they can be!
@BellaDiMamma I'm putting my bet on MrBeau I think. As the kids say, sounds like your type on paper 🤣
@ibelieveinmirrorballs hopefully the play will exceed expectations, sounds like a nice trip you have planned.
@VanGoghsDog are you missing home yet? Hope you're having a nice time.
@Eesha I'm actually excited on your behalf for your date, can't wait for the update 🙂

4th date with MrTeacher tonight. He is cooking at his and wants me to stay. I'm probably more stressed about trying to sleep in a bed with a man than anything!
I'm a known lunatic about sleeping - need white noise, lavender sprays, perfect temperature and (FFS) my teddy. Perhaps a leeetle bit soon to start revealing what an oddball I secretly am?

Oh god @MizK I feel for you - I can’t ever sleep with a man in my bed either - don’t think I’ve had more then an hour or two each time recently. I think best to accept sleep will be minimal, you’ll probably be high on adrenaline/oxytocin the next day anyway…

@InABetterPlaceNow video calls are always a good thing I feel now. Were you chatting that late though? I'd have been looking like Droopy Dog at that point. Childcare is a toughie but most are in the same boat I feel so any decent bloke will just make a call on whether that works or not. Child free people are busy too don't forget.

@Shayelle2009 hey, how are you? Yes, I'll be posting here if its a terrible disaster (or not). I am finding myself looking for red flags (like scary ones) but I keep reminding myself that we aren't getting married, just having a first date to suss out whether we even like each other. He seems to be very respectful so far though and puts my mind at ease with regular communication which is what I wanted.

@VanGoghsDog
I drink tea as well, (not a fan of fruit tea), I used to work with an Indian contractor who educated me in the ways of Chai (hot, spicy, milky and sweet), when he when back to India to visit, he always used to bring back presents, this is carved wooden Tea Caddy, with an Elephant emblem (the symbol of Hyderabad), with 3 masala teas in it

@MizK @ibelieveinmirrorballs
I’m always worried about spending all night with someone for the first time, I’m paranoid just in case I let rip a huge fart during my sleep!, what would she think of me then ?

@MizK I have Nytol pills handy if I’m staying over/someone’s staying at mine just in case - have you tried those? They knock me out pretty well.

@InABetterPlaceNow 3am!! I’m impressed by your stamina! Good luck with the school run.

@MizK
The white noise, lavender sprays, perfect temperature are all incidentals what's really important I think you should reveal teddy's name ....... !

[quote Stayingstrongish]@InABetterPlaceNow 3am!! I’m impressed by your stamina! Good luck with the school run.[/quote]
That makes 2 of us !