Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@InABetterPlaceNow I see what you mean about it feeling a bit strange knowing that he’s still spending time with friends he’s slept with in the past. I guess it’s nice that he’s stayed friends with them but makes you worry that it might happen again.

Was going to say @InABetterPlaceNow don’t look to my situation as being any better, I have no real clue what I’m doing and am half convinced that by posting about it I’ll jinx it anyway. Great news you’ve heard from him and yes keep it light and fun.

@Eesha is it him taking the lead or more just showing up as an equal? I have tendencies to want to show myself as capable, indispensable, financially independent but it can be a bit over-compensatory and yes, controlling - and having it pushed back on is a good thing (even if it makes me uncomfortable).

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think it's an equal thing in that I just had to book the restaurant whereas he takes care of the rest. I come from a place mentally where I feel if I don't control every aspect of a situation, it won't happen perfectly. I find it a bit hard relinquishing this. He's much more of the school of let's just meet, no need to 'mother' him and just enjoy our date. I think you and I might just be similar!

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think it's an equal thing in that I just had to book the restaurant whereas he takes care of the rest. I come from a place mentally where I feel if I don't control every aspect of a situation, it won't happen perfectly. I find it a bit hard relinquishing this. He's much more of the school of let's just meet, no need to 'mother' him and just enjoy our date. I think you and I might just be similar![/quote]
I totally get it. Here’s an example of my own inability to trust things will be okay without my complete control: both times we’ve met it has been in a town halfway between where we each live. I drive and he takes the train. Both times I have hated the fact he didn’t text me to confirm that he made it into the train as I’ve driven over not really knowing if he was going to be there till I arrived. I mentioned this (as casually as possible 😆🙄) when I arrived and he was a bit confused as in, why wouldn’t he be on the train? I thought it was telling my default position was of someone being unreliable and useless and his was of confident consistency.

I’ve driven over not really knowing if he was going to be there till I arrived. I mentioned this (as casually as possible 😆🙄) when I arrived and he was a bit confused as in, why wouldn’t he be on the train? I thought it was telling my default position was of someone being unreliable and useless and his was of confident consistency.

TBH, I’m the same as he is, I would only contact someone if I could not do something, I work on the principal that if I say I’m going to a X place at Y time, I will be there.

@FabulousMrFifty @ibelieveinmirrorballs it's really interesting how the two minds think. I'm just so used to doing it all and I'm fine with that. I do sometimes wonder if men feel a bit like they can't take the lead a bit in case women feel they are being treated unequally.

[quote Eesha]**@FabulousMrFifty* @ibelieveinmirrorballs* it's really interesting how the two minds think. I'm just so used to doing it all and I'm fine with that. I do sometimes wonder if men feel a bit like they can't take the lead a bit in case women feel they are being treated unequally.[/quote]
TBH it’s like walking a tightrope sometimes, I have found that one day a woman will want you take the lead and be organised and another day the same woman will say they are perfectly capable of organising something.

Personally I find this quite a challenge as at work I do lots or organising and planning, and I find this spills over into my personal life, I like to know what I’m doing, so do tend to plan a fair bit, which can make me a bit controlling ( I think),

@FabulousMrFifty you have totally hit the nail on the head here. If my iron does take more control on, is he sexist or secretly dominant or just a slightly more 'old fashioned' guy. I'm not even talking about paying the bills etc, it's almost old style gentlemanly behaviour.

At the same time. my ex was quite senior in the military so he would always be very gentlemanly and polite in person so I'm a bit wary at times of people like this.

… but I also expect others to behave the same way as well, I expect others to be fully organised and capable

This thread has moved so fast since yesterday? My god! Seems there is a tendency to over-analyse at the beginning from communication style to how much we divulge before meeting then what do we reveal about our lives when we do eventually meet. No wonder it's so tricky to naviagte, if only there was an 'off' switch and you could just live day by day without creating dream or nightmare scenarios in your head. I think i tend to reveal too much too soon which going forward if i get back on the apps i'd really try to limit. Someone said 'let them lead' i think it was eesha and i like this approach a lot.

@BelladiMamma have you ever had a proper iron/chat break? seems you jump very quickly from one iron to the next without properly closing/ending things with the one you've been quite set/keen on. Surely this must cloud your judgement a lot and confuse feelings. Especially as you date women and men. Perhaps you need a decent time-out to give your head some space and let go of all the feelings that are still tangled up with so many irons. I think i jumped into dating MrE but was channeling feelings that i still had for magnet-man into this 'relationship' so iregardless of his behaviour we wouldn't have survived.

[quote Eesha]@FabulousMrFifty you have totally hit the nail on the head here. If my iron does take more control on, is he sexist or secretly dominant or just a slightly more 'old fashioned' guy. I'm not even talking about paying the bills etc, it's almost old style gentlemanly behaviour.

At the same time. my ex was quite senior in the military so he would always be very gentlemanly and polite in person so I'm a bit wary at times of people like this.[/quote]
Yeah it’s a fucking mare
Ms Wales is supposed to be organising a hotel for us in a couple of weeks time, and I’m itching to ask her if she has done it, but at the same the time I know that she is perfectly capable of doing that, I have to learn to hold my tongue and sit on my hands, but if I was male anteater I could sit on my tongue as well

@FabulousMrFifty just ask her what hotel she managed to book so you can look forward to it/plan your journey and wardrobe etc. it doesn’t have to be ‘Did you book?’ as that is a bit stressy

I quite like that Mr Beard comes up with ideas for things we could go to, but then checks with me first before booking them. I wouldn’t like it if he said “So I’ve booked this and we’re going’ without asking me first. But my life with young kids is so busy that it’s nice to have someone who comes up with ideas for what we can do. My ex never suggested anything!

@Naimee87 you & @SpringlikeBunk have mentioned that before 😊. I joined the thread since my dating life became active. Otherwise I've had long periods single and regard myself as single at the moment - I'm not looking for anything serious. Hence the tendency to jump around a lot! But good thing to mention it!
I'm in level sweetshop phase after a 20 year relationship and long periods of reflection and 'finding myself' all of which I've done solo.
I also have a very high sex drive so I don't want to make inappropriate casual relationships amongst my friendship group, I prefer to do that with other people looking for the same.

@FabulousMrFifty it sounds like you've got a good thing though? Is there anyway that you can spend a longer period of time together next time so you feel like it 'counts' for more, given the effort involved for everyone?

@Naimee87 not entirely sure what you meant by the comment about dating women but I'll take the overall comment in the spirit you intended 😊 as in, don't burn out and look after yourself (correct me if I'm wrong).

@FabulousMrFifty I'm the same. If I say I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time I won't be sending messages saying I'm leaving now etc. The only time I message if I'm running late. Usually I'm driving so can't message anyway.

Sorry @Isitreallyme177, I meant to reply to your earlier post about not feeling good enough to be girlfriend material for Mr Cricket. You are most certainly good enough for anyone. You probably just entered the dreaded friendzone there whereas you know now next time to be very clear that you don't need anymore friends. That's my approach really.

@FabulousMrFifty Does the situation with Miss Wales suit you? Would having someone closer be better? I would have thought it's fun having naughty things to look forward to would be great.

@StartingAgain6369 did you ever have the dinner date, or did I miss a page?

@BelladiMamma I think if you are happy to just dive back in, you should do whatever works best. You seem hurt by Mr A because you did like him a lot and he was a bozo, however they always say the best way to get over someone is getting under another! Or at least having a load of flirty chats going on.

I'm in the luxurious position of not having much work to do so I'm Christmas shopping online plus working out my outfit for my date. If I'm stuck spending money on my hair again to no avail, I'll be like ARGHHHHHH.

@Eesha bozo. Love it. It was like dating a teenager 🤣. Rooting for you that the hair appointment is matched by the date!

@Isitreallyme177 sorry I also skimmed over your comment about MrCricket; I'm sorry you feel that way and honestly try not to give this guy too much room in your head rent free. He doesn't deserve it.

@Isitreallyme177 yes I think my need for someone to confirm is an anxious pessimism rather than normal!

I’d agree with @Eesha about the friendzone - if someone offers friendship only after meeting on a date I will never agree to it - or if I do, I normally block and delete a couple of days later unless I’m genuinely feeling a strong mutual benefit to that. The last time someone offered friendship rather than have another date I sent a voice note back saying nice idea but rarely works so wished him well and deleted the next day. The following week my new iron messaged me and we’ve now had a couple of great dates.. in this case I’d only met previous bloke once but am so glad I shut it down when I did.

@FabulousMrFifty im the same as you, how organised I have to be at work spills over into my personal life and I can’t stand flaky, lateness, not knowing what I’m doing and unreliability. I’m also controlling but it’s because I hate my time being wasted. I’m a nightmare 🤣 and best left to my own devices not making plans! Oh and willow trees are much nicer than oaks! I reckon I’m an ash as I’ve ‘died back’ on the dating front… hehe.

@JustThisLastLittleBit
Great shout!, as for route I just Chuck the postcode in the satnav and hack it round The shit hole that is Swindon (apology) & down the M4, plan my wardrobe, your funny….

@BelladiMamma
Yes it’s nice, wish we were closer, an hour would be good, then it would a bit easier tbh.

@Isitreallyme177
My car is not that new, but does have Apple Car Play, so I can call / text via voice control while driving, but might take my bike anyhow.

@Eesha
Closer would be easier, I have proposed we meet in Bristol, which is further for me in miles, but an easy drive, whereas she has to come over the crossing etc.
As for Naughty, no worries there, that’s all good…, she keeps sending me mucky messages…, man of my age etc…,

You were right to close the book on Ms Business all she seemed yo bring you was stress - lifes too short for that! 💛

@Stayingstrongish your iron sounds lovely! Did you meet OLD?

@Eesha I can’t wait to hear your date update on Friday!!

Thanks @Eesha yes the dreaded friendzone I remember saying at the time I don't need another friend which is a bit untrue as I'm always open to new friends.

@BelladiMamma its easier said than done not giving him rent free head space.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I get that. I get worried that people aren't going to turn up. I've had times where I have got all dressed up and it gets to the time and he hasn't arrived. One time Computer Geek arranged to meet but he got pissed with his mate and messaged me at 8pm saying come see me, er no 1 you're pissed, 2 I can't get a coherent place out of you and 3 I'm in my pyjamas. So I didn't bother getting ready until he messaged to say he had left when I did finally meet him. But he had form for not showing up. Unless they give you a reason to worry I would try not to worry.