Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SpringlikeBunk

Sorry - my bad - I meant setting up dates with others? If you want to multi-date I'd do it, but not just to compensate for the friends/FWBs information if you'd rather focus on him?

Anyway you'll probably have more information after your next meet and a clearer picture of what the situation is, or even if you feel compatible your side still!

Ahh.. good call! Yup, I don't really want to. I think it's a reaction to knowing he has interested parties

Helpfully have a one off counselling session on Thursday. May talk through then. And maybe ask for some more support as it's so hard to tell my judgements based on my exes treatment of me (13 years of abuse) vs actual red flags. I've done all the work but this is "test" time. And it feels hard!!

I do everything the wrong way round @SpringlikeBunk @InABetterPlaceNow but that's only after having done them the right way round and still got it very wrong anyway. I'm definitely playing a numbers game, tell irons I'm multi dating and even give them some insight into the ridiculous amount of attention I get on the apps (seriously I'm nit posting nudes or anything but I seem to have one or two profile pictures that draw in a ridiculous amount of interest) but make sure they know that I think it's ridiculous. That I would prefer one (or maybe two or three!) solid real connections and that then things will go at the pace that suits us.

Although MrA it didn't work out I was always myself. And he had ample opportunity to step up etc. He clearly wanted to stay on the apps and enjoyed checking out other women's photos etc but wasn't dating anyone. MrBeau knows we're not going to be exclusive anytime soon but is also (in a boundaried way) saying that the apps don't suit his personality so if things work out with us he'd rather be off them. BeardFlake had a date over the weekend. Any other chats I've not even addressed these issues but if I moved to date zero territory with them I'd let them know (as I did with MrDad when we had our coffee but there was no connection so I've not pursued).

MrPT is trying for an Olympics team so we've both agreed that this is no strings although I haven't confirmed I'll be multi dating. I'm so cynical as to whether any of these will come off I'm not pushing for conversations about monogamy or multi dating. If I fall for someone, I would. I'm too old for second guessing!

My ex plays into this a lot actually. My Tux saying he put a pause on FWBs while being honest he has had them while single (8 months or so) but he's paused them as I'm "Intelligent etc", I'm hearing as "You're all these things and I'm shagging around just not telling you".

The mention of them was in context.

Dammit! I want to date but humans are complicated!!

@InABetterPlaceNow

My ex plays into this a lot actually. My Tux saying he put a pause on FWBs while being honest he has had them while single (8 months or so) but he's paused them as I'm "Intelligent etc", I'm hearing as "You're all these things and I'm shagging around just not telling you".

The mention of them was in context.

Dammit! I want to date but humans are complicated!!

At the end of the day, you have to go with your gut and also have a frank conversation. We're all hoping to find that person we can be honest with and feel safe with, even if it's a casual relationship.

Yes the ex crap will always rear it's ugly head and I am now quite vocal about what my hang ups are. Any body or sex shaming - they're out. Any inkling that I am not getting their full attention when we are together / they're out. Triangulation - out.

I guess you just have to take each meet as it comes. And be yourself 😊

@BelladiMamma

I do everything the wrong way round *@SpringlikeBunk* *@InABetterPlaceNow* but that's only after having done them the right way round and still got it very wrong anyway. I'm definitely playing a numbers game, tell irons I'm multi dating and even give them some insight into the ridiculous amount of attention I get on the apps (seriously I'm nit posting nudes or anything but I seem to have one or two profile pictures that draw in a ridiculous amount of interest) but make sure they know that I think it's ridiculous. That I would prefer one (or maybe two or three!) solid real connections and that then things will go at the pace that suits us.

Although MrA it didn't work out I was always myself. And he had ample opportunity to step up etc. He clearly wanted to stay on the apps and enjoyed checking out other women's photos etc but wasn't dating anyone. MrBeau knows we're not going to be exclusive anytime soon but is also (in a boundaried way) saying that the apps don't suit his personality so if things work out with us he'd rather be off them. BeardFlake had a date over the weekend. Any other chats I've not even addressed these issues but if I moved to date zero territory with them I'd let them know (as I did with MrDad when we had our coffee but there was no connection so I've not pursued).

MrPT is trying for an Olympics team so we've both agreed that this is no strings although I haven't confirmed I'll be multi dating. I'm so cynical as to whether any of these will come off I'm not pushing for conversations about monogamy or multi dating. If I fall for someone, I would. I'm too old for second guessing!

I'd love to get to this place! I think my problem is I see so many red flags everywhere, despite many many matches, convos, and even phone calls, no one has pulled me into letting my guard down to go in a date.

Mr Tux for some reason stood out, happened to be in a pub down the round when we connected (he lives a bit further out) and I went to meet him in a whim. Then all hell broke out in my life but he stayed in the background. So we've known each other 5 months now with only 2 meets which probably is why things feel a bit off balance.

I'd love to just run away (so much easier) but I also want to see what happens. Just feels like it's growing up so much crap in my head to deal with and feels exhausting.

At the end of the day, you have to go with your gut and also have a frank conversation. We're all hoping to find that person we can be honest with and feel safe with, even if it's a casual relationship.

Yes the ex crap will always rear it's ugly head and I am now quite vocal about what my hang ups are. Any body or sex shaming - they're out. Any inkling that I am not getting their full attention when we are together / they're out. Triangulation - out.

I guess you just have to take each meet as it comes. And be yourself 😊

This helps, thank you! I think that's what I'm doing. And he still seems interested. Anything obvious and I know I willl walk. It's just second guessing the potentially more subtle stuff. He seems very consistent, available and keen (while not pushy) which is odd to me.

@InABetterPlaceNow I hear you re the impact an abusive/traumatic ex leaves - I’m forever treading carefully around possible red flags and second guessing what actions do or don’t mean.

It wouldn’t bother me if a date mentioned having had casual encounters recently before meeting me. I’d only be upset if I thought we were in a monogamous relationship and that turned out not to be the case. But I’m quite easy going. I made the mistake of asking a couple of previous dates how many people they’d slept with - one was obviously searching around for the ‘right answer’ in his head and made up a bullshit reply of ten, the other seemed a bit offended by the question. So I’m trying to be less nosey with Mr Beard and not ask too early on.

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@InABetterPlaceNow I hear you re the impact an abusive/traumatic ex leaves - I’m forever treading carefully around possible red flags and second guessing what actions do or don’t mean.[/quote]
It's hard, isn't it? So many didn't even get a look in. Makes me super vulnerable even giving someone a chance.

I'm hoping worst case scenario we just end up being mismatched rather than me picking just ANOTHER douche as I've seriously done all the work.

It means I'm being potentially more vocal about what I do / don't want or if I smell something off. Then feel bad and have said once, sorry if I'm putting you off! To which he said "Nope, try harder". But then I can't tell if that's manipulation or just patience!

Think this one will be a slow burn (limited availability both sides, hopefully not because he's shagging around more than he's admitting ) so you might have me moaning a while longer.

Thank you everyone for listening to me despite not giving much input in return!

@Stayingstrongish

It wouldn’t bother me if a date mentioned having had casual encounters recently before meeting me. I’d only be upset if I thought we were in a monogamous relationship and that turned out not to be the case. But I’m quite easy going. I made the mistake of asking a couple of previous dates how many people they’d slept with - one was obviously searching around for the ‘right answer’ in his head and made up a bullshit reply of ten, the other seemed a bit offended by the question. So I’m trying to be less nosey with Mr Beard and not ask too early on.

Thank you! This is what I'm hoping it was. It was less of me asking and more a clarification that he'd been seeing people in the not so recent (ie before me) but fairly recent. With a bit more detail that I'd have liked

I might actually ask a few questions about it at the weekend but thinking about if I want to know the answer!!

@InABetterPlaceNow I think you sound like you have your head screwed on you're just, like many of us, dealing with the fallout of shit relationships and trying not to let it spoil your present life.

I did therapy and it helped, but not at first. I never had the time to discuss current relationships because I had the shit of 20 years with the ex to deal with. But I can truly say I've chatted through it every angle now

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow I think you sound like you have your head screwed on you're just, like many of us, dealing with the fallout of shit relationships and trying not to let it spoil your present life.

I did therapy and it helped, but not at first. I never had the time to discuss current relationships because I had the shit of 20 years with the ex to deal with. But I can truly say I've chatted through it every angle now [/quote]
Thank you!

I think all I can do is look at if it's giving me a net positive in my life. For now, it is.

I'm taking better care of myself (and work colleagues have commented how good I look ).

My house is tidier (as he might get invited one day when kids are out!).

It's letting me reflect on what I've learnt while being in a "real world situation"

I thought I'd done a good job on my self esteem, but it's showing those areas I still feel shitty in!

Our convos are fun when I'm having a tough day at work

He managed to translate a random Japanese tic tok sound tonight that was a family debate 🤣 was a punt to send it, but I thought he might know and he pulled through! (Maybe our awkward ending after the convo earlier today didn't make him delete and block. Potentially may teach me that being open and honest doesn't mean shutting the door in my face? But won't hold him to that).

If things slide towards net negative, or even get close, I'm out!

Just marking here that I know why I'm into MrBeau. Yes threadies, he's my catnip of sad alpha male who I can cheer up. (Thanks Dad and bro for that particularly deep rooted attraction to that type!!). Think the face of Brad Pitt with a great job and artistic leanings with a side helping of being half French like me plus an extra order of deep childhood wound (loss of a parent) with buff body and soulful eyes and .... OH GOD NOT AGAIN. Expect me to resurface in a few months

@BelladiMamma that combo does sound pretty appealing to be fair!

@BelladiMamma
He does sound attractive, I’ve had such little luck with women recently I think I’ll give men a go, Chuck him my way if things don’t work out.
Ta.

Well I go out for a snap evening date with Ms YM1 and you ladies manage to fill nearly 2 pages.

Texted me at 4.45pm asking what I was doing tonight as she was dropping DS off at the football and needed to kill a few hours

Ms YM1 is definitely friends only now, my problem is I'm still totally transfixed by her and struggling to say no, I'm pretty sure she knows this too and knows she is in control.

@StartingAgain6369
That’s pretty shit really, I had similar with Ms Business, she would just whistle and I’d drop everything to arrange a meet up her, it was like getting breadcrumbs of attention.
In the end I just had to delete her contact details, delete any messages and mute her

Taking some time off the apps. There is only so many times you can hear that you're not right for someone, especially when you are quit happy with who you are as a person. So I quit. I shall focus on myself do my own thing and maybe look back in the new year.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs what you said about putting things under a microscope early on really resonated with me. I think it's a control thing as well as the unknown can be very daunting.

@InABetterPlaceNow I think try and pull back on these chats plus 'getting jealous ' as feels early in my opinion for those things. He's just being matter of fact I think and some are more blunt than others.

My iron has called me every night now for a natter before our date zero on Friday. I have let him lead because I want to avoid sharing too much too soon and I want to enjoy things whereas I think he's very much oversharing about life (he's quite deep). It feels quite good to have someone not know every minute detail of me just yet. If at least one thing comes from this, it's that new approach to chat. I'm genuinely excited to meet him though.

That’s a great update @Eesha. It feels good I think to be in the early stages and recognising that you’re doing things a bit differently. I enjoy observing my behaviour when I can see it’s healthier than before… feels like progress. What are you doing on your date?

With my iron, we actually managed to talk ourselves out of meeting at all, so over-analytical were we at the start. Trying to ascertain if we both ticked ALL the boxes for the 437 steps required leading to a fulfilling healthy relationship. That lasted a couple of days before we agreed our monastic hair shirts were a bit itchy and perhaps we should meet first before deciding there was even anything there to dissect in the first place 🙄

Trying very hard to keep it in the ‘now’ which is great chat, loads of common interests, physical chemistry, and fun adventures in the offing hopefully. My urge to dissect and have someone tell me exactly what this is and how they see it developing is strong however…

@InABetterPlaceNow I have had similar over-sharing to deal with - new iron announced his old FWB is staying over this weekend although he said nothing would happen - which prompted a second round of “this is too soon to be talking about this” chats as he wanted us to discuss fidelity - at this point we’d met once. I said I can’t tell him what to do, we haven’t got to the stage of having the exclusive chat yet… I wished he hadn’t told me but he was doing it to be frank/honest… but it was all TMI!

Really interesting chats about when and where to start talking about the future and the direction of a relationship/ chat. I'm so not on that page and I have no magic bullet to share, it's just where I am at the moment. However I knew that MrA was going to keep making me feel frustrated so I did have the chat and then withdrew. I could have just withdrawn without the chat but that's not who I am.

@StartingAgain6369 it seems like YM1's friendship is important to you. Does she know where your head and emotions are at, and would she respect any boundaries you wanted to put in place?

@FabulousMrFifty how about MsWales, is it worth concentrating on this, as it seems to have elements that are working for you?

Still smitten. MrBeau is utterly divine and here's hoping 🤞🏽 that we manage our meet and all is as lovely and fun as we think it will be.

Some brilliant posts here over the last two pages a few of which really resonate with me.. about oversharing and backing off and it all being a really delicate balance. I think it’s so important to go by the face to face time and try not to get carried away in messaging.
Think I’d be wary @InABetterPlaceNow about your iron telling you that he’s saying to others he’s not doing anything as he wants to see how it goes with you. Seems unnecessary to do that and puts slight pressure on you and a feeling of ‘competition’ somehow. There was no need to say that to you. But same time you could take it with a pinch of salt, it’s not something I would forget about though. Good luck!

@Dazedandconfused10

Taking some time off the apps. There is only so many times you can hear that you're not right for someone, especially when you are quit happy with who you are as a person. So I quit. I shall focus on myself do my own thing and maybe look back in the new year.

What happened? Sorry to hear it's been crap

@Dazedandconfused10 I personally think that's the hardest thing. It's so difficult not to take it personally especially when you are happy with yourself.

I sit here and think so I'm good enough for Mr Cricket to spend time with but not for him to date. We (well it's still to be seen if it carries on) like each others company and always have a nice time. Then I begin to wonder if I was just something to fill his time with until something better came along.

@FabulousMrFifty well done for blocking Ms Business in the end. Sounds like she was a bit of a piss taker and I’m always one for cutting people out who don’t bring anything but stress and upset to my life, so well done for putting a stop to it 👏👏