Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@BelladiMamma I think to triple jinx it you should invite them all to turn up at the same time and place - Sod’s law in that case that they would all actually show up 😆[/quote]
Then decide which one I like the look of most and send them a text 'sorry delayed can you meet me at such and such a place'

Omg I'm surprised they haven't done that in some cruel reality show

@BelladiMamma
Regarding messaging etc I've backed up, deleted and copied the text file over onto a PC just in case (didn't bother with images)

I don't block but I don't read either if your will power is strong

[quote StartingAgain6369]@BelladiMamma
Regarding messaging etc I've backed up, deleted and copied the text file over onto a PC just in case (didn't bother with images)

I don't block but I don't read either if your will power is strong[/quote]
That's also a good tip. I backed up the whole chat til I cooled off. But not reading is good too. It's all about the willpower and then that breaks the addiction of reading and messaging

@Isitreallyme177

Tunes on, Windows down, sun on your face,clear road is just the best for clearing your head. *@Shayelle2009*

For sure and I love ending up by the sea.. then going for a nice walk and coffee before heading home.. bliss 💖💖

@Naimee87 “massive side of peas” haha bless the lil chonk! I can imagine the misery! My cat inflicts her intense bad vibes on me if I fail to comply with her feeding routine 🤣🤣 the grumpy face becomes worse and worse, like an impending thundercloud 🤣 my neighbours always comment on it as she stares at them out the kitchen window!! It’s kind of embarrassing 😁

@ibelieveinmirrorballs hey 👋👋 glad you’ve met a good one!! That’s so cool 🥰

[quote StartingAgain6369]@Shayelle2009
Happy to give you a crash course in parallel parking, currently sitting in a car with just turned 17 DD1 learning to drive so I'm pretty sure you're not all that bad [/quote]
Aww thanks @StartingAgain6369! I have had 23 years to learn 🤣🤣 I’ve actually got a bit of a bad neck so twisting round like doesn’t really work, I usually just pick a space that’s the size of 3 cars and drive on in 🙂

@Shayelle2009 I'm the same I can only parallel park one way as I can't twist my neck as far the other side. I'll turn round and come back so I'm the right side.

Oh my goodness, I'm so behind and feel like I need to give more to the thread before asking for perspective on Mr Tux (who is still around).

Back soon!

@InABetterPlaceNow

Oh my goodness, I'm so behind and feel like I need to give more to the thread before asking for perspective on Mr Tux (who is still around).

Back soon!

No no, ask away first, and then our responses will trickle in while you continue to browse the thread!

Post away @InABetterPlaceNow

everyone has different schedules for checking the thread so some of us (NOT ME OBVIOUSLY ) have more scope to log in whilst doing other things, everyone is welcome x

Thank you for the permission! I promise I do have wisdom and experience and love catching on on how everyone is doing!

So... last date with Mr Tux was not last Sat but the Sat before. He had a busy week, which works for me as I need my space too (though part of me is concerned for later when I might want that to change). I'd mentioned I was worried he was too keen to talk about himself and if that's a red flag, but that actually a lot of it was him sharing knowledge on mutual interests and in our daily texts I've found that if I assert myself a bit we get to talk about me - and he remembers what I've said.

We're both keen to arrange something for this weekend and I'm looking forward to proper face to face time. Will be date 2/3 depending if you count meet zero!

What's got me into overthinking mode is our chat today.

We've had some very flirty exchanges in between everything else. It's a massive compatibility thing for me as I love a guy who can innuendo as much as me 🤣 and he certainly can. I've pulled it back a couple of times to say I'm not setting an expectation as in the "real world" I'll need to take things slowly-ish. Given that he didn't even kiss me last time he's respecting that but "something" will almost happen this weekend.

Context over... Kinks came up today and we're on the same page. However, I again pulled back a bit and said it had been a while since I did any of that so vanilla first. He said vanilla is fine with him but I'll have to forgive him for any slips as it's been a while as he's been he's been single he's been with "friends" for mutual purposes.

I got a bit and said I wasn't going to ask questions as I felt a tad jealous. He called me on being jealous at this stage and on reflection was a good call, and I clarified it was more whether being in "competition" with other people was the right call for me right now.

He said that it's not been "recently", and that he's had all the relevant checks since, and that in all honesty some of the "friends" do make passes, but that he has told them "no" - and that that's because he wants to see how things pan out with me, that I'm intelligent, mature and beautiful (which I am! ) .

I'm not sure if this is honestly on where his head is at, or manipulation on letting me know other people are lining up but for now he's "picked me"

Should I be running a mile? Or am I just overthinking?

Also, after my rather slutty year or so after me and ex split which I never actually got checked myself... so THAT'S going to have to happen before things go too far...

Uck.

@InABetterPlaceNow

How many meets have you had?

This is just my style (I'm probably on the "slower" side of the spectrum) but if it's not been that long I'd pull back a little bit on the messages?

I guess with physical intimacy you have to know if you're actually 100% comfortable with it not progressing if it goes ahead?

Or if he IS dating others, or has other women's numbers on his phone, are you Ok with that? Assess your own boundaries here and what you're comfortable with. If you think you can't handle it if he pulls back after intimacy, then meet for a drink.

Like I seduced my current interest, because I wanted to and I'm attracted to him, but I'd actually be Ok (obviously a little bit sad but not that put out) if things didn't progress?

I'm Ok just "seeing what happens" (nothing at the moment as he's away and I have some sort of horrid bronchitis) and if he is interested in others it's not heartbreak for me, I'd just see when I wanted to be on the apps again?

Sorry I didn't see - 3rd date is still fairly early on (I'm in same position), so it's ensuring you are Ok if it is a one-off now really, or if it doesn't crystallise into something serious is that Ok with you?

(I know I tend not to get too attached after sex - I mean I kind of do but also I'm quite pragmatic so I don't really dwell too much? But everyone is different)

(I hope not but really it's early days for both of you).

I think these conversations are always difficult at this early stage. I’m reflecting on the basis I’m two (quite full on) dates in with my iron and we’ve really had to swerve some difficult topics that came up as we’re both quite vocal and love chatting - topics like monogamy and emotional availability. It’s one thing to talk about these things on an intellectual level but actually really inappropriate with someone you’ve just met as it’s too much information too soon.

I think you’re veering into similar territory here - it’s one thing to say “I want to take things slowly” but then go on to talk about kink and lay cards on the table about sexual history. As you recognise, it’s not appropriate for you to be jealous but it’s like you’ve been given a glimpse into how he lives/d his life and it’s almost TMI.

It sounds to me more like this issue - too much info too soon - rather than anything more sinister, and it sounds like he’s trying to be honest.

As I say, I’m reflecting a bit on my recent personal experience and am not sure I have any answers - we’ve parked these topics for now as I am not sure any good can come of two people just getting to know each other having intense discussions about the minutiae of intimate relationships. But I could be proved wrong!

@Shayelle2009 thank you.. I’m trying to stay calm and grounded but dating and early stage relationships in general make me a ball of anxiety. We can’t meet for a couple of weeks and I have a ridiculous work schedule in the meantime. I’m a mixture between not wanting to talk every day but then if we don’t talk for over 24 hours I’m like wtaf 🧐😆

@InABetterPlaceNow @ibelieveinmirrorballs well I'm always guilty of the early sec and intimacy and relationships chat but that's also partly because I want to know what kind of person I'm dealing with. With MrBear, I didn't do any of that and in fact o found too late that his love language made me feel suffocated and that he'd only slept with his wife. I don't want that to happen again! Also I'm pretty salty and open in most of my friendships and relationships so I'm being authentic to myself.

However, I wouldn't want it ever to be 'this is what we are going to do and this is how it's going to go' as I'm also a believer in taking things at the pace of the couple. Like if the two of you want to try something new or do something different then that's great - if you trust each other that's a chance to explore it.

It's when someone comes with very fixed ideas and behaviours that I'm uncomfortable.

@BelladiMamma I think I agree in terms of being frank and open, in my case it’s more about trying not to catch and put under the microscope and dissect what’s happening between you in an effort to quantify/label it before you’ve even let it breathe and unfold naturally. With my new iron we started venturing down that road after we’d only met once ffs and I really pulled back as I thought with two overthinking brains (me as a semi-neurotic, he as an academic) we wouldn’t stand a chance. Now trying to leave it alone and just have fun and enjoy the moment. (Fat fucking chance 😆)

I think the trouble with sharing information about "recent dates" as well, is it can sound like bragging/weird/be misinterpreted/come across too X, Y or Z?

Modern secular life, especially if you use apps, is full of these little random encounters and "on paper" probably sound a lot more important than they actually are?

Like if I said to MrHedgehog "yes, my two most recent encounters were someone at a conference connected with current work, and also I had a random moonlit clinch on a balcony overlooking the river, with a dashing army man at midnight?" he might think I'm this seductress/slut/man-eater.

Or that I'm plotting to run off with the work guy and my workplace is full of these exotic liaisons.

But I really am 100% available right now - I ignored last contacts from both these guys and wasn't that enthusiastic in the first place and more motivated from loneliness and boredom?

(I probably will reply to the work contact at some point just to discuss the joint project).

I think @HairyArsedMan wrote some really good posts on this which I do agree with.

Early on if the connection is there and the other party is respectful and interested in me (ie not checking Tinder on our meet or blowing me out for another date or creating drama triangles with other women!) "don't ask don't tell" seems best until the 1-1 connection is a bit more solid? We're both still getting to know each other.

Thank you everyone! Some really interesting perspectives there. I'm glad no one so far has said "ruuuun").

When I say "kinks" it's more just role playing and innuendo (ie I said always learning, him every days a school day! And me should I be in uniform?) 😅 and get carried away from there. Then pull back on my end, because as you all say it's early days.

I wouldn't be too upset if we got physical and then things ended. I said today that even we decided things didn't work out in that way then providing neither of us had been a dick it would be good to be friends as I really enjoy how we connect on lots of things.

I do worry about how attached I'd get if we did DTD but I think I'd live! I don't think he'd have that problem hah. It could be a good stepping stone to being out there more generally unless he crushes my soul.

I'm hoping it's just honesty - rather than a power play on how many people are after him and he's "choosing me" which feels like a big red flag. May note in my "watch" list.

I'm fine with him having other women in his life - but only if I know it's platonic (if things are going to progress). Him putting a pause on those could be a good side if he sees potential for "us" or a bad sign if they are "back ups".

I'm really attracted to him, and I need a certain level of connection for that to have happened. I was really surprised he didn't kiss me last time though there was plenty of physical connect

Sorry posted too soon! *physical connection.

Just need to not overthink and be mindful I hope?

I mean I messaged someone about a possible date zero after MrHedgehog and I were intimate

and conversely, he's been "catching up with colleagues" at conference

(and sure I'm cute and well-presented massive norks but "have you fucking SEEN some of the lovely young female academics out there"? )

But I just think that if it's got legs it does, and as long as we're not "playing games trying to make the other jealous with tales of all the attention we're getting" it's just at the getting to know each stage. which has been good so far!

To add some context, it sounds like these are less "recent dates" and more "existing friends" that turned into FWB but want more. That he put a stop to as we'd started pursuing things.

He said as he's said "no" they were no longer "competition" (as that's what my "jealous" feeling was more like).

I'm just no good at dating, am I I tend to only be able to focus on one person at a time, see if it works out, then, next!

Maybe I should get some more irons on the go!

@InABetterPlaceNow

I guess that's the issue with "going down this intense conversational route too early" - it just means you're worrying now which you wouldn't if you hadn't had this discussion? Do you feel he was "trying to mention the women on purpose"?

I wouldn't go on extra dates unless you actually want to.

(Like you say it's not the end of the world if you have a decent shag and then you both move on).

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@InABetterPlaceNow

I guess that's the issue with "going down this intense conversational route too early" - it just means you're worrying now which you wouldn't if you hadn't had this discussion? Do you feel he was "trying to mention the women on purpose"?

I wouldn't go on extra dates unless you actually want to.

(Like you say it's not the end of the world if you have a decent shag and then you both move on).[/quote]
I absolutely want to go in another date! It's the most two feet in I've been in years. I'm very chatty on text (as is he) which is both important for me in a relationship, but also difficult at this point as we have limited availability on both sides. Thankfully on our 5 hour meet the conversation flowed as easily and chemistry too.

After ex I'm super wary of red flags and worried I'm attracted for all the wrong reasons! I need to trust myself.

I think I'll back off of any more intimate talk until the weekend. Just have to sit on my hands! Looks like I might not have extended childcare available so that will be telling. He waited 3 months or so between date zero and one due to stuff going on in my life, so shouldn't be any rush!

Sorry - my bad - I meant setting up dates with others? If you want to multi-date I'd do it, but not just to compensate for the friends/FWBs information if you'd rather focus on him?

Anyway you'll probably have more information after your next meet and a clearer picture of what the situation is, or even if you feel compatible your side still!