Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma just resist the urge, put the phone away somewhere(leave it upstairs if you're downstairs or vice versa). I would say go out for a drive(that's what I do) but as you have covid you can't really do that.

Delete his chat and number @BelladiMamma, so you can’t initiate messages? I hope you feel better soon. Sleep.

Yes to the dad bod. XH was tall, very toned and muscly, ‘gorgeous’ to the observer, but all that work in the gym meant he was self- obsessed physically- not much energy left over to delight in my less than perfect body! Whereas Mr GN is my height, distinctly cuddly, prone to occasionally standing in front of the mirror looking sad for his lost youth etc. Flawed, like me, so my equal. Sex on legs!

Thats why i like cuddly guys @JustThisLastLittleBit! As they like me more than themselves 😬

@Isitreallyme177 I've got my phone with me as I feel so unwell & don't want to be out of the loop & have asked a couple of people to do things for me eg fetch dog food! But yes usually I'd switch it off and put it away

@inmyslippers ok I've just done that. I've sent a generic 'here's a cute photo of the dogs with short message' to a few people. I've deleted his number too so I can only answer a message rather than send one to him as I'd need to look his number up

The only way I can do it is to delete the conversation @BelladiMamma. If I archive/mute it I just keep checking and it's worse than usual!

My ex was a toned gym rat too and a total arsehole 👍

@JustThisLastLittleBit

Delete his chat and number *@BelladiMamma*, so you can’t initiate messages? I hope you feel better soon. Sleep.

Yes to the dad bod. XH was tall, very toned and muscly, ‘gorgeous’ to the observer, but all that work in the gym meant he was self- obsessed physically- not much energy left over to delight in my less than perfect body! Whereas Mr GN is my height, distinctly cuddly, prone to occasionally standing in front of the mirror looking sad for his lost youth etc. Flawed, like me, so my equal. Sex on legs!

X posts. Done!

@Heartbeats0708

The only way I can do it is to delete the conversation *@BelladiMamma*. If I archive/mute it I just keep checking and it's worse than usual!

Snap! I may be great at parallel parking but I'm shit at giving myself a break

I like going for a drive too @Isitreallyme177. I find that very therapeutic ☺️

Tunes on, Windows down, sun on your face,clear road is just the best for clearing your head. @Shayelle2009

The day i get to head off down the road in my truck to some unknown loading bay with MY tunes on will be a day that will go down in history as one of the best! 🤩

Oooh it's tough to resist the messaging urge! I cannot play games, i'm like @Heartbeats0708 the mute/archive just keeps me wondering. Then deleting is harsh because of the memories that you delete as well. I just have to text others instead and let it naturally take its course... ultimately your day continues whether you hear from them or not. Just show's how much you make your day revolve around them sometimes! Hope you're feeling OK! You totally just reminded me to get dog food, thanks a bundle! Although my dog is meant to be on a diet... poor lil thing! Pugs look sad even when their happy, so now she looks full on miserable with her half portions and massive side of peas! haha!

@BelladiMamma I'm quite hard on myself so I would keep telling myself he just isn't into me so I would avoid texting him. The indignity itself would put me off.

Thanks guys for the advice, I've definitely been guilty of meeting people and thinking how can I leave them in a better position when this ends. A couple of exes had no jobs, or drinking problems or money issues and I just helped and helped. I'm not sure what will happen with Mr Drummer as who knows whether there will even be a physical attraction there but it's quite refreshing to meet someone who has themselves sorted to an extent.

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma I'm quite hard on myself so I would keep telling myself he just isn't into me so I would avoid texting him. The indignity itself would put me off.

Thanks guys for the advice, I've definitely been guilty of meeting people and thinking how can I leave them in a better position when this ends. A couple of exes had no jobs, or drinking problems or money issues and I just helped and helped. I'm not sure what will happen with Mr Drummer as who knows whether there will even be a physical attraction there but it's quite refreshing to meet someone who has themselves sorted to an extent.[/quote]
I totally would if that were the case. I mean yesterday he was telling me about a film he'd been to see and how one of the leads reminded him of me ... so he's being a bit naughty and keeping me hanging on too!! We both are. Time to disconnect a bit.

MrBeau is helping and even BeardFlake has come through but I might have sent them some sad isolation selfies 🤣

@BelladiMamma that's the annoying thing, he only wants you on his terms. Isn't that irritating though?

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma that's the annoying thing, he only wants you on his terms. Isn't that irritating though?[/quote]
Yes it is. I know I need to disconnect and ever since I told him we wouldn't be sleeping together anymore his communication has definitely slowed down.

But actually I'm not getting enough back. It was like the film comment was a total breadcrumb. He was out with people he'd introduced me to so he could totally have asked me along. But then that would have been the irritating double date issue we had before.

Aaargh.

Lapsed poster checking in - @Eesha I identify with your earlier post… I’m definitely a fixer and end up being the “cool girlfriend” bending to accommodate, being fine with things that aren’t fine, and thinking I can change people to make them the way I want them. Which clearly never works 😬. Similarly to you, I have a new iron, although we have met twice - for two utterly brilliant dates - and have a third scheduled in. Comms are plentiful yet boundaried and he’s clearly a sorted, independent person with a full life etcetc. Thus far he gives equally, wants to plan equally, there is no need for me to over-function and problem solve. And… like you say, it leaves me feeling a bit pointless. I’m trying to just acknowledge the feelings and park them - not easy.

@BelladiMamma like you, my tactic in that situation is to delete the Whatsapp chat and their number (exporting the chat first to email in case I ever want it) and then try not to keep looking their number up just to see if they’re online 🙄 It’s all such a battle! (for me anyway). Do you think partly in your head you’ve wanted to see if saying ‘no sex unless things change’ might prompt him to up his game? If instinctively you are starting to think this is just not going to happen I would be tempted to really cut all ties as otherwise the breadcrumbing and sense of slipping away as a priority would drive me mad.

Someone asked earlier re OKCupid - it’s my app of choice as you get so much info about people before having to speak to them, plus you can be quite frank about sexual/kink preferences which is helpful in weeding out. And there’s plenty of functionality without needing to pay.

I agree @Eesha I’m familiar with intense early trauma bonding which doesn’t really bode well down the line!

But we should be connecting initially over nice dates where we’re enjoying pleasant joint activities with someone likeminded without all the emotionally claustrophobic angst.

@BelladiMamma

I guess it's natural for this stage to be a bit hard (going cold turkey after quite an intense connection with someone you had a lot in common with!)

but seems like it's following the natural course of things and expect it will peter out after a while?

It's sort of "decelerating" now, going from 100 to 85 to 55 rather than 100 to 0? (crap metaphor sorry!)

It's only natural for things to be a bit "mentally jarring" as it's been full-on, but you're cutting down now and with time (and new irons like MrBeau) it will drift away.

A few months and ancient history I expect.

If you're still exchanging ambiguous daily messages in a year maybe time to review but for now it's just natural to still have that connection remaining, you're not inhuman and capable of just cutting someone out like that!

@SpringlikeBunk yup I hear you. A bout of low energy illness combined with a very attentive new iron, whom I'm organising a date zero with, is the way to go.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes- without wanting to get caught up in lengthy game playing whilst in the relationship with him I just thought, did this for a game of soldiers I'm going to speak my truth. And I'm a bit disappointed that he hasn't stepped up. If it doesn't happen once he's home and the Adrenalin and post show downer has worn off, it ain't ever going to happen. But, we haven't been dicks to each other. It's been a good thing and I feel more trusting again and like I can attract good people.

I'm such a messaging slut. I mean, I have the ex PT, BeardFlake and MrBeau all keeping me busy today and all wanting meets. Prepared to put money on only one of them actually happening ...!

@BelladiMamma aahh but which one? I completely hear you re acknowledging the positives of not having been dicks to each other and knowing you are attracting good people.

@Shayelle2009
Happy to give you a crash course in parallel parking, currently sitting in a car with just turned 17 DD1 learning to drive so I'm pretty sure you're not all that bad

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@BelladiMamma aahh but which one? I completely hear you re acknowledging the positives of not having been dicks to each other and knowing you are attracting good people.[/quote]
That's the excitement of it!! Which one will actually show up?!

McDreamy does die... he just did! So saaad!

@BelladiMamma I think to triple jinx it you should invite them all to turn up at the same time and place - Sod’s law in that case that they would all actually show up 😆