Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

@todaysdilemma this is exactly the same social circles I am in and was quite taken aback to find they all (with the exception of 1 couple) went the traditional route. I am the only one I know of from my home town (I'm sure there must be someone, somewhere, but I haven't heard of them), and I'm the only woman in my social circle in London that hasn't changed her name in some way.

@mooncakeandavocato I guess the perspective in my comment was more society in general rather than just this thread. Of course there will be some circles where things are different, I'm just not seeing them. I'd like to think things are changing, I just think it's coming so slowly. It will be interesting to see what our children do in the future, then we can see what difference a generation has made.

@Eatingjumper I get you, completely. I think that things seem to be moving slowly, but in relative terms we’ve actually made great strides in a couple of generations. The rights of women in relationships (things like marital rape and the recognition of domestic abuse) are SO recent and it’s easy to forget that. I certainly forget all the time when talking to older women that many of them were adults in a time when marital rape didn’t even exist as a concept, so my ‘uber feminism’ probably seems excessive to them. I think all of these things are interrelated- as it all speaks to the ‘personhood’ of women. We’ve come a long way in the last 30 years, and even further in the few years since #metoo. Society is evolving and I have a lot of hope.

However, I also appreciate that I live in a liberal bubble and would possibly be less positive about it all if I didn’t.

I changed my name 20+ years ago, I did think about keeping my maiden name but DH was upset and maybe cared more about it than I did. Also maiden name originated from my dad who was distant when I was growing up so was really a case of swapping one man's surname for another iyswim! I do silently scream at the madness of it all, quite fancy choosing my own brand new surname!
DH was already double barrelled so no chance of adding a third name. I do wonder what will happen when newly double barrelled DC get married.
Double barrelled names are a pita for form filling etc, so many times I have been told I have an invalid surname by a computer program!
Having the same surname as DC was important to both of us and would have caused huge friction, so I suppose in the end I just changed my name but tbh 20 years later it still doesn't feel entirely my name.

@MooncakeandAvocato My wife kept her name and I'm totally fine with that - I hadn't realised that so many people still change theirs (but it's fine if they genuinely want to.) I suggested that we give the kids her surname to help to even up things in the world. It may mean that people occasionally wonder whether I'm really their father because my surname is different from theirs, but I think I can cope with that.

@MoonbeamsGlittering Great stuff. Do you mind if I ask your age and location (just general ball park)?

@MooncakeandAvocato 40s, south-east UK. My position on this may have come from my upbringing - my mum kept her own name, back when that was quite unusual. For most of the married couples I know personally around my age, the woman does seem to have changed her surname. People have been surprised that we gave our kids their mother's surname.

I got married in the 1990s, SE England. I did not consider changing any of my names when I got married. My DH would not have been marrying me if he thought any other way, so it never needed to be discussed. Other people did sometimes ask me why I hadn't changed my name to my husband's and I just said I am not a chattel. I have nothing against changing names, I might do it one day, I'm not particularly attached to mine, but I think it's an odd thing to do to change your name to match another person's.

For our children one has their father's surname and one has mine. DH proposed it I thought it was a good idea. This would not have been allowed if they were citizens of the country where they were born which insists that siblings must have the same surname, something to do with a psychological theory about formation of identity which was not well-referenced, but as we were British they accepted it. I don't think there are disadvantages to siblings with different surnames. The younger one has the advantage of not being associated with the elder sibling on paper before starting a new class although all the teachers who had both of them work it out pretty quickly.

Travelling with different surnames is awkward the first time, especially if your toddler refuses to confirm you are their mother and screams and runs away from you in a long passport queue but once you are told to please bring your birth certificate next time and you do then there is no issue. As both parents have the same issue when travelling alone with the children it is equal.

In the UK marriage is a legal (and can be a religious) contract and by default you keep your birth name. The wife and children having surnames to match the male partner's in a heterosexual marriage is cultural and I am happy I am able to nudge culture, small action by small action.

@crumb I love everything you’ve said, but particularly “Travelling with different surnames is awkward the first time, especially if your toddler refuses to confirm you are their mother and screams and runs away from you in a long passport queue.” I can only imagine! 😂😂😂

DH was already double barrelled so it would have been mad to saddle the DC with three surnames. I took one of his surnames (mine was Smith and I had no strong feelings for it.) I also chose to give DC the single surname I chose and they have DH’s other as a middle name.
We’ve been married 27 years shortly and back then it was more unusual to keep your own name but I would be supportive if my DD chose to keep hers if she marries. Ultimately the vast majority of names have come down the paternal line somewhere so unless you invent a new one you’re always taking a man’s name.

@LilyMumsnet can you please confirm that the poster agreeing with my views is not me. I left the thread because I'm a single parent with a job and 3 kids (and a social life!) and didn't have any more time for it, it is pretty shit that people make snidey comments about me almost behind my back.

I absolutely didn't embarrass myself and my comments have been totally taken out of context which is unfortunately the case with Internet forums and can make it difficult to have interesting and meaningful debates on things.

I am also going to report the post where I've been effectively labelled as racist as that is absolutely not the case.

I was talking about the prevailing culture in the Uk which is white British, and the op had already said her decision had nothing to do with cultural reasons which is why I said I was referring to what happens generally within the society this forum is based.

I took DH's surname when I married because I preferred it to my boring maiden name of Smith. DH didn't mind either way whether I changed mine not but was sure he didn't want to change his.

I've no regrets, especially now we have DC and we all have the same name.

So many people double-barrel these days, I do wonder how many of the next generation will end up with quadruple-barrelled names, and so on.

@Catra I’ll copy/paste my previous response to your final para.

“I think it’s really up to the kids in question to decide what they want to do as and when the time comes, as we’re doing now.

However, in cultures that traditionally double barrelled last names, the custom is for people to keep their birth names upon marriage and give their kids a double barrelled name that comprises one name from each parent. So, for example Maria Sanchez Ortega marries Eduardo Fernández Garrido and all of their kids are XX Ortega Garrido. Historically, the father’s last name came first, but that’s no longer the case, so you can do them in whatever order you like.”

DH and I have been married 27 years. I was happy keeping our own names but DH really wanted a joint family name. He would have taken my surname, but it sounds ridiculous with his first name, and our surnames don't work as double-barrelled.

So we came up with the idea of picking a short, neutral surname (think something like Smith) and attaching it to our original surname. So I became Emma Grundy-Smith and dh became first name Surname-Smith. We agreed that if we had dc, any dd would be Grundy-Smith and any ds would be His surname-Smith. As it happens, we had 2 DS so they have the same combination surname as DH.

The double barrelling is such a PITA that we have all dropped the first surname and most people only know us as Smith. If I was doing it all over again, I'd stick to no name changes and dc would just have my original surname.

I can't believe that some posters feel we have a less committed marriage because dh didn't insist I took his name.

What I hate about these threads, which come up all the time, is the faux naïveté - “why, oh why do women change their names? If only they were as educated and enlightened and ahead of the zeitgeist as I am….” People have different reasons for making their choices. Yes, those choices aren’t made in a vacuum and of course there are prevailing customs which sway those choices. But if it matters to you (either way), you can do as you wish. My identity was not tied up in my surname. I did not love it and was happy to have a different, shorter one. What I really like is the ease of identifying as a family unit “Mr & Mrs Wimpole and the Wimpole kids”. So I did that. On the other hand, I really didn’t like the idea of being “given away” as though I were the property of my father and wearing a white dress to pretend I was a virgin. So I didn’t do that. And I don’t sneer at my friend who did the whole church white wedding thing while resolutely keeping her maiden name. She does her and I did me.

@WimpoleHat I’m not sure where you’ve got faux naïveté, “why, oh why do women change their names? If only they were as educated and enlightened and ahead of the zeitgeist as I am….” or sneering from this thread.

I’m about to get married and I’ve asked about the specific experiences of women re name changing (or not). I am doing as I wish, I am not questioning anyone else’s right to do the same, I’m interested in conversing about it. As you say, people have different reasons for making their choices, we are discussing those reasons. And, yes, demographics often impact on behaviour patterns, so I’m interested in that, as well.

Personally, what I hate about these threads is the fact that some posters seem to take people doing things differently to them as some sort of attack on their way of life or judgment of their decisions. It would be nice if we could just chat about things.

@EmmaGrundyForPM It’s just a couple of posters. Ignore them.

I think the ‘Smith’ idea is really interesting!

I have posted on other threads like this one, and have definitely felt under attack for my choice to change my name when I got married. The same thing has happened on threads where I have said I like the title Mrs, and that, whilst I support completely any woman’s right to choose Ms - or any other title - I don’t support the complete abolition of the title Mrs (I think it will die out naturally, as dinosaurs like me die out).

I have felt that other posters thought I was letting the feminist side down, that I was not as intelligent or advanced as them, because of my choice to be Mrs and to take dh’s surname.

Changed it to ex-H's name when we married, and ds had his name too. When ex-H left I changed mine back to my maiden name and got a court order to change ds' surname back to my maiden name too as NO WAY was he going to grow up with the turd's surname. Judge granted the Order in 30 seconds when he'd read my supporting evidence.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I’m sorry you’ve experienced that and I hope that you don’t feel that to the tone of this thread. As that certainly wasn’t my intention.

I agree with you re not abolishing the title of ‘Mrs’, by the way. I’ll never use it, but I’m pretty passionate about a woman’s right to choose. This includes choosing what to call herself. Legislation that takes away that right robs women of agency, in my opinion.

I changed mine. I was relieved to change my pretty awful surname for my husbands really really normal, easy to spell, no cringe jokes one

I changed mine my birth name is not British and means something rude in British slang so I was happy to get rid of it.

Never regretted it. I now have a known but not common surname
People can spell it and pronounce it. Bliss.

Dd1 says she might change hers dd2 no way ds says depends on who he marries and what their names is. Dd3 says I'm never getting married. But I might change my name one day if I feel like it.

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I changed mine. I wanted to sever links with my family and hated saying me because it was parents. I felt like a superhero with an alter ego afterwards

Otherwise I wouldn't have done it.

I'm now known as Miss Exhusband'sname.

This thread has been fine, @MooncakeandAvocato.