Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

@SaltyPepper I never disguised my opinion. I have said what I intend to do and that I’m happy with it, but that I respect people’s rights to choose other naming conventions. Exactly the same as you stating your views and going if other people want to choose to live a more alternative marriage lifestyle that is fine too.

As such, the fact that you think I can’t express any views or ask any questions, while you get to say some deeply offensive things to other posters under the guise of ‘calling them like you see them’ is very odd.

I started this thread to discuss said range of choices, the motivations behind them and the experiences women have had. Lots of respectful exchanges with women who have made a range of choices have ensued.

It’s baffling that you consider it ‘subtly insulting’ to wonder if education level and location might impact on women’s propensity to act in certain ways. It’s pretty basic anthropology/sociology. But, g good some reason, you think we should just take your thoughts regarding our relationships and commitment levels on the chin.

@RedRobyn2021

I didn't really tell anyone as it wasn't their business but when we were changing our names for our passport at the post office the woman at the counter asked about it and when we explained, she had the audacity to look at my partner, shake her head and saying "wow. You must really love her to put up with that"

Disgusting attitude in my opinion

Utterly disgusting.

[quote SaltyPepper]@TreXX

Fair enough. I guess it comes down to how much you care and or think about things like that.[/quote]
I'm a woman and a feminist so I care a great deal and give it a lot of thought, yes.

Sounds like you're dismissing it as unimportant and I'm afraid I have to disagree.

@ExceptionalAssurance

Your really reaching here. As I’ve said it is symbolic and has nothing to do with other random people having the legal right to change their names to mine or whatever they choose.

I changed mine, then reverted to my maiden name post-divorce and was absolutely set on never changing it again, whatever happened. Remarried 19 years ago - and suddenly wanted to change my name! Not really sure why, but it just felt right!

I kept my surname. Happy with that choice. My dc has dh's surname and I am also happy with that choice. I am often referred to as Mrs DH on letters etc. It really doesn't bother or offend me, it just isn't me. I don't identify with that surname for me.

@TreXX

So you disagree then. I still changed my name because I don’t care. Whatevs.

Not changing my name has proven terribly useful in distinguishing between people who want to contact me for legitimate reasons and those trying to sell me something who just have husband's name in their records!

I do enjoy telling them Mrs Husband's name doesn't exist.

[quote SaltyPepper]@TreXX

So you disagree then. I still changed my name because I don’t care. Whatevs.[/quote]
Disagree with what?

I couldn't give a shiny shit what you decide to do with your own name.

[quote SaltyPepper]@ExceptionalAssurance

Your really reaching here. As I’ve said it is symbolic and has nothing to do with other random people having the legal right to change their names to mine or whatever they choose.[/quote]
You confuse reach with thing you don't like. It is a fact that you choosing to take your husbands name involved no commitment from him, because it involved no action at all. The fact that both you and other random people all had the identical right to your husband's surname regardless of his feelings on the matter is not only everything to do with the issue, it's actually the only relevant fact.

Disagree that the past history of name changing is unimportant as you stated. You obviously do care to or you wouldn’t have responded so abusively.

Married in my forties, no DC together.

No intention of adopting his name.

I would have added his to the end of mine if he had adopted my family name as a middle name, so that we both changed names. Sadly, his first and my family name are cartoonish so would he ridiculous.

Only voice raised at the time was my mother's, she 'couldn't believe' it would be allowed to let my family name. She continued to send anything addresses to me as Mrs his initials his family name so DH would absentmindedly open them and leave them in his 'pile' so it took ages for me to find them.

Decades after we got married, his sister asked about it. I pointed out that, of the marriages in his and his children's generation, anyone who had adopted the spouses name had ended in divorce, only two, and those the two where the bride had kept her name, DiL and me, were still married.

We haven't heard any more about it.

I wonder if your age when you marry has an impact.

I'm mid 30s, Northern, working class. I reckon about 60% of my friends kept their names, 40% took their husbands' names.

But the one correlation I have noticed is that most of us who got married later (early to mid 30s) rather than in our 20s, were more likely to keep our own names.

Post grad qualifications, terribly middle class area, professional job and I took my husband’s name. My dad was an absolute shit so it broke that link, I’m not bothered about it making me a chattel (complete crap), and it sounds nice so win-win. OP congratulations and do what makes you happy, life would be dull if we were all the same.

@ExceptionalAssurance

If your argument for having the same family name having no value is that random people could also change their last name to yours if they wanted, that’s a pretty weak argument.

[quote SaltyPepper]@ExceptionalAssurance

If your argument for having the same family name having no value is that random people could also change their last name to yours if they wanted, that’s a pretty weak argument.[/quote]
You've got things confused.

It's not an argument about value, it's an explanation of why you choosing to take your husband's name represented no commitment whatsoever from him. This is factual, and thus quite different from a value judgement which is subjective. I'm not interested in those.

@SaltyPepper

Disagree that the past history of name changing is unimportant as you stated. You obviously do care to or you wouldn’t have responded so abusively.

Nothing I said was abusive.

I made my decision based on what was right for me.

You made yours based on what was right for you.

I don't care what your reasons were. They are irrelevant to my decision as my reasons should be to yours.

If you feel bad about your decision that's not my fault.

Sorry you're having such a bad day. I don't mind you taking it out on me because it doesn't bother me, but I do hope you feel better soon.

The only women I know who took their husband's names are my two sisters.

No friends have.

I kept my name and our children have my name.
I'm getting remarried and so tempted to change my name this time though as DH to be had a very cool name!

2016: Percentage of British women who change their names upon marriage - 90%

Percentage of those aged 18 to 30 (in 2016) - 85%

@fellrunner85 That’s really interesting, thank you.

@SockFluffInTheBath Thank you, lovely stranger!

I changed mine as I’ve always been a bit embarrassed of my maiden name. Was teased mercilessly at school over it. It sounds like a swear word

We didn't double barrel because it would have meant very long names. My experience with double barrelled kids is that they often drop one of the names for ease (particularly if they're long). I've also seen women who double barrel and their husband doesn't. At least two couples we know who got married around the time we did chose a totally different name together. Lots of options.

For us my dh's name is unusual and he really likes it whereas mine is common enough and I wasn't bothered. He wouldn't have minded if I'd kept it though. I think that's the only thing to watch: if your prospective spouse has a big tantrum about how you must have his name then you know not to go through with it!

No, but then where I live women generally don't.

My cousin recently told me she wishes she hadn't changed hers (especially as she and her husband have ended up working in the same field)

I changed mine. I love having the same name as my husband