Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

I changed it without much thought but I had seen work colleagues using one name professionally and another personally. It is a job where you have to produce personal ID a lot and different names made it more of a faff.

I also wonder about double barrelling as to how the kids choose to name their kids e.g. wife is x-y and husband is a-b do the kids then begins x-y-a-b or x-a without offending the grandparent whose name doesn't get pulled through.

@GOODCAT “or x-a without offending the grandparent whose name doesn't get pulled through.”

The possibility that their grandkids might not have their last name is a considerably smaller ‘offence’ than the loss of their own name, which women have been dealing with for centuries.

[quote Buggritbuggrit]@TreXX What has it made easier?[/quote]
Not having to change any documentation.

Years of professional (public profile) reputation intact.

On a personal level (and I know and respect that others prefer to integrate as a family unit and don't see things the same way I do) no loss of identity and no feeling of marriage being a transfer of property between father and husband.

This is personal to me, I understand that other people will enjoy changing their name for their own reasons.

@TreXX I completely misread and thought you said changing your name had made things easier. Totally my blind fault. 🤦🏾‍♀️

We merged our names to make a new one because as far as we were concerned we were starting a new family and wanted to be each other's family first and foremost. It was very difficult for husband to change his name upon marriage however and the system was set up to enable women to do so easily, but not men.

@Buggritbuggrit

I don’t care about Ms plum, your beef with her (and I take it that by “embarrassed herself” you actually mean you argued with her) or whatever and I’m not her. If you want to deduce further knock yourself out.

You can think what you want to think - if you think I’m a backwards bitch with a sexist husband you can. What I took issue with particularly is the way the original post was made as a genuine question of curiosity and acceptance, only to have little comments from the post maker that obviously made it clear she was pro keeping her name and looked down on those who didn’t as ignorant and/or less intelligent and was in fact not open minded and accepting about it at all.

Despite perhaps getting a little testy I wish women who don’t change their name well and never really thought about it before. I was honestly giving my opinion about the likelihood of divorce for couples without the same name being higher - I never said they were bad people because of it, if they want to live that lifestyle that is fine. It’s just not for me.

"if they want to live that lifestyle" 😂😂😂

@JadeTrinket

I just call em as I see em. Others can want something different from their DH, but I would have questioned my DH commitment if he had of wanted me to keep my maiden.
If other people value a man in that easy come easy go role to support them then they can have it. I honestly don’t have a problem with that or not getting married at all.

@SaltyPepper I never argued with mrsplum, never called you a bitch, and have no interest in your husband.

I provided verbatim quotes from your previous comments that contradicted each other. Again, you cannot complain that the OP made it ‘clear she was pro keeping her name and looked down on those who didn’t as ignorant and/or less intelligent and was in fact not open minded and accepting about it at all’ (which she didn’t, she asked people why they’d made certain choices) when you are making insulting comments about women who don’t change their names and the nature of their commitment and relationships (which I’ve quoted).

Why do you get to express a stance and OP doesn’t? Why is it fine when you ‘honestly give your opinion’ on the matter, but not fine when others do so?

[quote SaltyPepper]@JadeTrinket

I just call em as I see em. Others can want something different from their DH, but I would have questioned my DH commitment if he had of wanted me to keep my maiden.
If other people value a man in that easy come easy go role to support them then they can have it. I honestly don’t have a problem with that or not getting married at all.[/quote]
So what you want from your DH is an enthusiastic insistence that you continue a sexist tradition? And you think that him not doing so would indicate a lack of commitment from him, even though he doesn't need to do anything if you change your name?

What do you mean 'a man in that easy come easy go role to support them'? Don't husbands usually support their wives in the average functional marriage, regardless of whether they share a surname?

@Buggritbuggrit

Because I am not trying to disguise my opinion. That is why I have no problem with you giving your opinion either. We were asked our opinions and gave them.

If I start a post asking whether women changed their names to their husbands and claimed to not be supporting one or the other and then wrote my comments I would be a hypocrite. But I didn’t, I’m not pretending or hiding what I actually think and then letting it come out gradually by sniping at people who genuinely were just sharing their experiences, only to be subtly insulted by the obvious bias of the original poster (despite claiming not to have any). That is the difference between me having a stance and OP.

@JadeTrinket

By easy come easy go I just mean their views on marriage and intact family as being more easy to give up on dispose of - and that they would be supportive of their wife feeling the same, that’s why I thought they might be more likely to divorce.

You can’t deny that there is a difference in the value different married people give to their marriages or the value they give to raising their children together surely? Some people think these things are more important than others. That’s all I’m talking about.

Of course your husband should support you emotionally and materially if that’s what you have agreed upon.

[quote SaltyPepper]@JadeTrinket

I just call em as I see em. Others can want something different from their DH, but I would have questioned my DH commitment if he had of wanted me to keep my maiden.
If other people value a man in that easy come easy go role to support them then they can have it. I honestly don’t have a problem with that or not getting married at all.[/quote]
I can understand why you think it would show more commitment on your part to change your name - I think you're wrong, and personally I'd always hope there was more keeping in my marriage than thinking 'yeah, but wouldn't it be a faff to change my name again? I'd have to contact the bank again... Best stick with him, and the name', but I understand it. I cannot fathom why you think you changing your name demonstrates any particular commitment on his part? It required literally nothing from him.

As there’s just me and my sister, the family name would stop with us. My sister doesn’t have children but I do.
When I got married I told my DH I wanted to keep my name and the DC also have my name. He kept his name.
The fact I can’t stand his family at all just cemented that decision for me anyway, I didn’t want to keep seeing that surname.
It’s not an issue at all, we never use them unless it’s for something official anyway so never really think about it

@SaltyPepper OP made her views clear from the outset, was interested in discussing alternative views and did so. Discussing views with which one disagrees is ‘subtly insulting’ them. It is the nature of mature discourse.

However, even if what you contend were the case, you haven’t been talking to the OP - you’ve been ‘sniping’ at numerous other posters, all of whom (like you) have made their affiliations clear from the outset. You’ve then accused them of insulting you and complained about not being allowed to speak honestly, while feeling free to insult them.

“Just my opinion, I’d appreciate not being insulted over it.”

“I’m sick of arguing, this was supposedly about honestly sharing.”

But you also say:

“If other people value a man in that easy come easy go role to support them then they can have it.”

“Their views on marriage and intact family as being more easy to give up on dispose of - and that they would be supportive of their wife feeling the same.”

You do not see how characterising someone else’s relationship as ‘easy come, easy go’ because it doesn’t suit your personal tastes is insulting? But you take issue with posters discussing their differing views and consider them to be pushing said views upon you by doing so?

You say ‘I was honestly giving my opinion about the likelihood of divorce for couples without the same name being higher’ but when people honestly gave their opinions on the likelihood of women in different areas, with different education levels, being more likely to change their names, you claim that was ‘looking down on them’ and calling them ‘ignorant and/or less intelligent’. So, you get to theorise and make comments about the likelihood of women who keep their names to do or be certain things, but we’re not allowed to theorise and make comments about the likelihood of women who change their names to do or be certain things.

I’m asking you why you think this. Why do you think people need to be open minded and accepting of your ideas when you insult them? Why do you think that when people question or disagree with your views, you are being insulted?

Hypocrisy.

So let me start by saying I am not married

But when we had our baby I point blank refused to give her his surname. The reason being why on Earth would I? I had done all the work growing and birthing her then exclusively breastfeeding her. There was no way she wouldn't have my name.

We eventually compromised by choosing a new name for both of us.

My parents didn't care one bit and totally understood. His parents were quietly offended and after our baby was born and we went ahead with what we'd decided they made loads of really passive aggressive sarcastic comments.

I managed to bite my tongue for the sake of my partner but I was fuming.

I didn't really tell anyone as it wasn't their business but when we were changing our names for our passport at the post office the woman at the counter asked about it and when we explained, she had the audacity to look at my partner, shake her head and saying "wow. You must really love her to put up with that"

Disgusting attitude in my opinion

@Hardbackwriter

It requires him sharing our family name and giving his name to me. That’s the part so many here don’t seem to get - he is choosing to share his name because he is fully committed and proud for us to both represent the same family by name. That’s not nothing on his part.
Doing the paper work to change ones name isn’t exactly climbing a mountain for him on my part. It’s a symbolic thing from both of us. Obviously it doesn’t trap people in marriage but to me it says “I want to be one family”, hence one family name.

If other people want to choose to live a more alternative marriage lifestyle that is fine too.

@RedRobyn2021

I didn't really tell anyone as it wasn't their business but when we were changing our names for our passport at the post office the woman at the counter asked about it and when we explained, she had the audacity to look at my partner, shake her head and saying "wow. You must really love her to put up with that"

Disgusting attitude in my opinion

Wow, that's terrible!

Yes. Hated my maiden name and didn't like my father much either. Love my married name (sounds great with my first one, to the point where people have asked if this really is the name I got at birth) and love my husband.

No brainer.

[quote SaltyPepper]@Hardbackwriter

It requires him sharing our family name and giving his name to me. That’s the part so many here don’t seem to get - he is choosing to share his name because he is fully committed and proud for us to both represent the same family by name. That’s not nothing on his part.
Doing the paper work to change ones name isn’t exactly climbing a mountain for him on my part. It’s a symbolic thing from both of us. Obviously it doesn’t trap people in marriage but to me it says “I want to be one family”, hence one family name.

If other people want to choose to live a more alternative marriage lifestyle that is fine too.[/quote]
I get that, I really do.

But for me changing surname means acknowledging a tradition of property transfer between father and husband.

And once I saw it I couldn't unsee it iyswim.

@TreXX

Fair enough. I guess it comes down to how much you care and or think about things like that.

[quote SaltyPepper]@Hardbackwriter

It requires him sharing our family name and giving his name to me. That’s the part so many here don’t seem to get - he is choosing to share his name because he is fully committed and proud for us to both represent the same family by name. That’s not nothing on his part.
Doing the paper work to change ones name isn’t exactly climbing a mountain for him on my part. It’s a symbolic thing from both of us. Obviously it doesn’t trap people in marriage but to me it says “I want to be one family”, hence one family name.

If other people want to choose to live a more alternative marriage lifestyle that is fine too.[/quote]
There's no 'sharing' involved, though. That isn't how it works. The name wasn't his to bestow, because in the UK adults can call themselves whatever they like, a few exceptions about impersonation aside. So you could call yourself Mrs Yourhusbandsname any time you liked, just as any other woman or indeed man could too. Anyone is also free to give their child whatever your husband's surname is too. And then also, you changing your name involved no effort or actions on his part, only yours.

@Hardbackwriter

DH's name', and my dad asked me what my surname was the other day - I've been married for seven years! 'Same as it has been for the last 34 years, dad!'
^^
This - my Dad never ever spelt my married name - he'd put O instead
Of a D at the end.
Hadn't the heart to tell him. Been gone a long time now and his lovely partner, who send the most wonderful cards to me still spells it like that. And I wouldn't want it any other way