Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

Also to be perfectly honest (even though I know it will get ripped on - whatever I don’t care) I would have felt like I was emasculating DH by keeping my name or double barreling (which I also find silly sounding and impractical for the next gen) and I wouldn’t have found that attractive in a DH

Always useful and eye-opening to realise that toxic masculinity is reinforced by some women as well!

I've no intention of marrying let alone changing my name - it's simply not something that would ever make sense in my head for me.

The best argument for changing one's name (or at least using your husband's name as well) came from a friend who used both her birth name and her husband's surname in different contexts. She was also a musician/artist who had at least two stage names that I can recall (she used one when she made a certain type of music, another when she made a different kind of music and her birth name when she did sculptures). Anyway, she said all her different identities were like alter egos to her, she could slip into the character of the woman who focused on a particular kind of creativity, and "Mrs (husband's surname)" was just another identity to add to the mix.

I've just realised that I have no idea whether she changed it legally, and she doesn't want kids so that's not a factor.

Double barrelled names are pretty poncey in all honesty .. I wanted to be part of my husband when I got married and he / we have a lovely surname . Some of the names I hear would make me want to keep my maiden name though. !

@gunnersgold

Double barrelled names are pretty poncey in all honesty .. I wanted to be part of my husband when I got married and he / we have a lovely surname . Some of the names I hear would make me want to keep my maiden name though. !

A certain kind of English person is incredibly self-conscious about anything they consider affected, but regardless of your own issues, what could be remotely ‘poncey’ about someone using both parents’ surnames? Judging by DS’s class list, at a very ordinary state school, between one third and half his classmates have both names.

Yes I did. I was in the process of changing my entire name when my now-spouse brought up marriage. We discussed different surname options - the one on my birth certificate was not an option, though we considered some other names up both sides of my family tree and his & some combinations and own name ideas. We ended up picking the one on his birth certifcate because in part because of my fears around how the Home Office would view me and his brother recieved a terminal diagnosis and expressed feelings on the family name.

I have had some wobbles about it at times, but by my mid-thirites, we were the only ones in the family left with that surname.

As for why so often the women hate/have the worse surname - I've long hypothesised that while there are many factors involved, that part of it may be for similar reasons why I know far more women who changed their first name compared to men (I can't find stats on this on whether it's true on a wider scale). That there may be a reasons why more women want and find it more accepted to change how we're referred.

My reason for changing my full name was I had strong negative associations with it, I had violence and disgust and unwantedness associated with it, that name felt worse than most other available options even if I made many jokes at the time and since about surnames I would not use. Many years on, I now have my childhood self associated with it. I still view it as my childhood self's name and I use it in that way, but as much as I admire the my child-self survived, I'm glad to have had the opportunity to consider and change my name even when others don't consider it real (I mean, my naturalisation certificate has both the name on my birth certificate and current name on it which feels weird) or seem to keep treating my surname as my spouse's name, rather than equally mine with equal capacity to have my own name that I chose.

I'm also very curious how exactly everybody keeping their own names affects family roles?

Didn’t change. DH uses it informally eg he calls me Mrs Hisname in fond moments and we get cards, invites etc to Mr & Mrs Hisname, but legally, professionally etc kept mine. He didn’t expect me to change, where he’s from it’s not common practice. So the in-laws aren’t making a fuss and my family know me so not surprised.

We’re both older as well, so I’m very used to my name! We do refer to ourselves as the Hisname household/family though, funnily enough. I don’t mind being called Mrs Hisname. It’s just not my actual name, it’s like a nickname. No DCs, so it’s not that big a deal in that respect.

I changed mine because I had my biological father's surname although he hadn't really been in my life at all. My DM also had that surname until she remarried when I was 18, but she died 3 months before I got married, and as an only child I have zero connection to my father or his name so I chose to change to my DH's surname.

I still found it very weird to get used to my new name, and still think people are calling my MIL's name when they call out "Mrs X" and it took me a while to settle on a signature, but now I can't imagine being called anything else and we've only been married for 4 years.

If DH and I were ever to divorce, I would keep the surname unless I was to remarry, then I think it would be more of a difficult decision for me - to keep the same surname as my children or to lose my ex husband's surname

I didn't change mine - completely to both families horror. I really didn't want to and my husband wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. In fact - more horror, I kept the surname of my first husband! My DC are boys and I have two DGS who are obviously the same surname too. Huge gap of almost 25 years between my first very early marriage of five years to my second. By that time I'd had my name over half my life and it felt like me . Ironically the only family that wasn't offended was first husbands

@JadeTrinket

You say my ideas are bizarre and yet the majority of women have and continue to change their names. The real world isn’t a Mums net forum - and for most people your ideas are the bizarre ones or at the least ones they would never follow in their own lives. But different strokes.

@gannett

“I’ve no intention of marrying or changing my name”.

Well you keep up the fight against that toxic masculinity then. However most women who do marry do change their names, so you do you and let the rest of us do us. Who are you to tell those women and their husbands how they should think?

Didn’t change mine, both DD’s are double-barrelled. Don’t think it has affected them adversely! When they are older they can drop one of the names if it’s easier.

I don't have any issues , I grew up in a wealthy family with a normal name . I just feel like double barrel names are trying to be something they are not .. each to their own though obviously.

[quote SaltyPepper]@JadeTrinket

You say my ideas are bizarre and yet the majority of women have and continue to change their names. The real world isn’t a Mums net forum - and for most people your ideas are the bizarre ones or at the least ones they would never follow in their own lives. But different strokes.[/quote]
You mean most women in the UK, not most women. Name changing on marriage is a practice not observed in many cultures. Let's be clear about what we mean.

@gunnersgold

I don't have any issues , I grew up in a wealthy family with a normal name . I just feel like double barrel names are trying to be something they are not .. each to their own though obviously.

What is it that they are trying to be? And why is your family’s financial situation relevant to this conversation?

I grew up in a wealthy family with a double barrelled name and I feel like people who react negatively to people doing things differently to them tend to have a massive chip on their shoulder. Each to their own, though, obviously.

[quote SaltyPepper]@gannett

“I’ve no intention of marrying or changing my name”.

Well you keep up the fight against that toxic masculinity then. However most women who do marry do change their names, so you do you and let the rest of us do us. Who are you to tell those women and their husbands how they should think?[/quote]
Very aggressive given that nothing in my post was about telling anyone how to think. Are you like this with people in real life?

Dr here. I won't formally change my surname anywhere when I get married. I like it and it's mine. I have my publications under my name and people won't trace my children as easily. I am not currently with another doctor but if I were, keeping my maiden name also preserves our independence at work; if I screw up I don't think it would affect his reputation as much. I really wouldn't have an issue with people calling me Mrs His surname though, I just wouldn't actually do the paperwork to change it!

@SaltyPepper Your contributions have been interesting. Particularly as you are an entirely new profile that came into being to respond to this post after mrsplum embarrassed herself, and agree with her about other posters being superior (a word I have never seen deployed quite so much in my life). Much like her, you’ve declared yourself tired of the thread, but are still here.

You were complaining (incorrectly), that:

“OP is asking people who don’t know anyone who didn’t change their name to list their education status and location as though they are somehow strange and ignorant and she can prove it.

“Either the thread was made to put those women (who are the majority) who took their husbands name down and “prove” then wrong or it devolved into that because women taking their husbands name was triggering.”

Yet, you think it’s fine to say that:

“I wouldn’t be totally surprised if those who keep their maiden or double barrel are more likely to divorce. Perhaps someone should survey that. I feel like it says something about your life priorities and that your own independence counts for more than your marriage and married family life.”

So, you’re fine with theorising about demographics when you’re sharing your (offensive) opinions on people who dare to live differently to you. However, any other discussion of the tendencies of different demographics is ‘superior’. You think you should be allowed to say that anyone who approaches this differently to you has ‘less marriage/family orientated views’ and that said views are ‘emasculating’. If you’re challenged, it’s ‘insulting’ and you’re not being allowed to ‘honestly share’, but you’re allowed to insult and nobody else is meant to honestly share.

Contrary to what you claim, not a single poster has tried to tell you or your husband what to think. You, on the other hand, haven’t afforded others that same courtesy. Take your own advice and you do you, and let us do us.

I changed mine because I wanted to. I like the tradition. Didn't want to go double barrelled. I just like the unity of us all having the same family name. However if my DH behaved I a way that implied ownership of me, he'd have been out on his ear long ago.
Young friend of mine recently married and they combined her mother's maiden name with his surname ( not double barrelled) I thought that was quite a nice idea.

@gaslady14 “I like it and it's mine” is really all the reason you need. I think it’s fabulous that you’ve been so successful, but even if you hadn’t been, you’re entitled to your name.

I'm not talking about women's decision to change their names on marriage as being 'bizarre'. I'm talking about your apparently uninterrogated ideas about how you couldn't fancy a man who wasn't concerned that his wife didn't relabel herself on marrying him, because it would be him colluding in his own 'emasculation', or your idea that it reflects a lack of commitment to the marriage from a spouse who doesn't change name, and that it clearly in your view has some effect on 'family roles'.

I just feel like double barrel names are trying to be something they are not

Can you be more explicit? This is like those baby name threads that mutter darkly about names being 'try hard', but those posters seem to experience extreme difficulty in ex

Absolutely not

We eschewed quite a few marriage conventions too such as being given away.

Never had an issue with not changing name, in fact it's made most things easier.

explaining exactly what it is they think people are 'trying hard' to do.

Is it because you believe, erroneously, that people who give their children both their surnames, are pretending to be upper-class?

@TreXX What has it made easier?