Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

Yes I did. I just like all four of us in our family unit having same surname. My maiden name is four syllables and double barrel wouldn't work. Also DH is a farmer, and our surname corresponds with the farm trading name.

@Ryannah

I suggest you experiment with being double-barrelled yourself before inflicting it on your children. I tried it when I got married and it was a colossal pain in the arse. So much so that when DC were born I just gave them DH’s surname.

Why would either of us ‘experiment with being double barrelled’? We’re keeping our names.

However, if my birth name was double barrelled, I’m pretty sure I’d be fine with it. My brother is double-barrelled, and has always been perfectly happy with it. Some of our friends are double barrelled, their kids are double barrelled, our nieces and nephews are double barrelled, the entire Spanish speaking world (which is a large chunk of the world) is double barrelled. It’s not some niche unique thing that we’ve invented.

I’m sorry you found it unpleasant, but your experience is not that of anyone else I know. We’re not ‘inflicting’ anything on our children, thank you. What unnecessarily unpleasant phrasing.

I did and never considered not changing it. I know one woman who hasn't changed their name and I only know them vaguely (someone who taught one of my DC), and two female friends who married and created a new surname from their original names.

I like the idea of double barrel names but what do you do if for example you have the surnames Big and Cox. That’s not going to work. These are just examples but the reason why double barrel won’t work for us.

I’ve decided to take husband’s name. He has the most straightforward surname and I like the idea of us as a family all having the same name. If we didn’t have children I wouldn’t bother. That’s my reason but each to their own. People can be so judgemental on this issue. I don’t think it’s a big deal what people choose.

Changed mine. Was no pressure from DH either way so completely my decision. My maiden name was consistently misspelt and mispronounced by everyone and my married name is fairly straight-forward, so in some respects it's made life easier...

I was 40 when I got married. Far too old to change my name and we weren't going to be having kids. He has an ex who didn't change her name back on divorce. They have kids. He had no issue with this. We get the odd christmas card addressed to Mrs His Name or Mr My Name. I've got no real problem being referred to by Mr His Name - unless it's official documents.

I like my name, it's part of me.

Even if we had got married younger and had kids I'd have kept my name.

Was there a reason you gave DC his name?

DC did have my name on medical records for a few weeks before we registered him as hospital insisted he had mother's name. I didn't really like the sound of his name with mine and I think I always knew I would change mine to my husbands. I suppose mainly because in my head I had always been brought up to assume that a woman would change her name and not the man. (I do know this is a very mysogynistic view but hey I was born in the 70s)
If I had suggested my husband change his name to mine then I know he would not want to. It would have made things difficult with work.
But mainly I think it was just inherent tradition.
I don't have any regrets though. I like my name now and wouldn't change it (again).

I’m currently in the process of deciding on this. I find most people are fine with the thought of me keeping my Maiden name and partner keeping his however there are a lot of negative opinions when I say there is also the option of him taking mine

No, I have also used the prefix Ms. since I was about 17 and will continue to do so when married next year. I have not been able to reconcile even double-barrelling my name, and yet his won't change. I offered that we both double-barrel, which he is still thinking about, but he is not pressuring me about changing mine (he doesn't care) so if he doesn't want to change his that's fine with me.

Family equally finding it strange.

Yes, I did. I wanted to keep my former name because my children had that name, but after a year or so I found that it caused confusion to have a different name from DH. I didn't find it difficult - I just sent my details to all the usual places and it happened quite easily.

@Hardbackwriter

We did exactly what you are doing and are very happy with that decision, though there are still people who can't get their head around it. I get post from family members to 'Mrs DH's name', and my dad asked me what my surname was the other day - I've been married for seven years! 'Same as it has been for the last 34 years, dad!'

Interestingly, our parents are highly unbothered. It’s random aunts who I know will be ‘forgetting’ and sending me cards addressed to Mrs DP’s lastname for years to come.

I didn't. My surname is double barrelled and I like the link to my families it gives me. My husband's name is his families, not mine. Plus we love in Spain and having two surnames here is the norm, so it's easier for me to do forms than him. We don't have children, but have already agreed that we'll follow spanish naming conventions if we do.
Both families fine with it, my grandma keeps calling me Mrs. Hisname, but mainly because she knows it's annoying. His mum can't understand it (I don't think) but has never said anything, just frowns every now and then. I can live with that!

Yes. I can’t say I gave it much thought.

I change back when I got divorced.

I changed mine with my first marriage. I did consider double-barrelling, but my very forrin family name (I refuse to use the term 'maiden') just didn't go with ExH's surname. I also wanted the same surname as my DC.

I regretted it though; my family name is distinctive over here, plus it's MY name. I'm engaged to my now DP, and he wants to take on my name when we get married.

I changed mine - though moved my surname to a middle name spot. I dislike double barrelled names so don't want one for me or my children. I also wanted to share the same surname as my husband and for any children we have to share the same family name too. That left us with three options: my name, his name or a new name and we chose his name. I don't really care what anyone does, as long as they are happy with it. Anecdotally most of the people I know personally and professionally have changed their names, fewer have double barrelled and fewer again retained their maiden name. That actually surprised me, as I expected the number changing their name to be far lower than it actually has been so far. I'm in my twenties, so I wonder as I get older if more friends will retain or double barrel their names.

We live in Spain, obv.

As an aside, I know a couple who got married called Joe and Jo. The number of people who can't understand why she hasn't kept her name is insane! Would you want to have the same name as your spouse?!

Nope, DH seems to have survived, I think he’d be quite happy if I did though, I have suggested he changes his to my surname if it ever bothers him.

That’s my reason but each to their own. People can be so judgemental on this issue. I don’t think it’s a big deal what people choose.

I don't think it's a big deal but I do think it's ridiculous that people insist that everyone just makes their own decision on this and that that just somehow magically ends up with a situation where 90% of women change their name and only a tiny handful of men do. Clearly everyone isn't just making their own choice in a vacuum.

@ChristmasCrafter

I double barrelled mine but my DD just has my husbands last name.

Do you mind if I ask why you went with this?

I didn’t take my husband’s name- our name does not work at all double barrelled. I wouldn’t expect him to take my name- I didnt want to take his, so why would he want to take mine. we have a baby and he has husband’s surname as his first name went better with it. I have no problems having a different name to the baby. I don’t know many women who didn’t take their husband’s surname, I know one who had a baby and started using her boyfriends surname as her own which a few people have commented on.

I’m not really sure why I didn’t take it, I guess it’s just not “my” name. I don’t regret it and can’t imagine changing my mind in the future. His family can’t get their heads around it though, whenever we go somewhere I’m always labelled as Inmypjs Hissurname and joint cards are all Mr and Mrs Hissurname 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Ulelia

We live in Spain, obv.

As an aside, I know a couple who got married called Joe and Jo. The number of people who can't understand why she hasn't kept her name is insane! Would you want to have the same name as your spouse?!

Why she has kept her name. I can't type today, sorry!

I meant to add that when I get married this time around, I'm insisting on being a Ms. I've always hated being a Mrs - if my husband doesn't have to disclose his marital status via his title, why should I?

I kept my name. We did what my (v traditional!) aunt suggested- add up the cost of changing my name on passport etc and then use the money for a nice meal out

I know people where the man took the woman's surname. Where the couple gave a whole new surname to their kids.

There are plenty of families where the kids have different surnames to each other, let alone the mum. Isn't an issue as far as I can see (though haven't tried travelling abroad yet)

Why is the husbands name always the most straightforward/nicest/obvious choice on these threads