Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

I’m getting married next year and I’m not changing my name. Mainly for academic/qualification/publishing reasons. Also due to being a bit of a feminist and have referred to myself as Ms Youknownothingsnow since I was 18. I’m not changing my title either. The next time I change my title will be from Ms you to Dr ☺️

Ms to Dr I meant 🤣

I changed mine, I was okay with it and wanted to have the same name as any dc and DH.

But over time I have regretted it. It still over 25 years later doesn't really feel like my true name.

I kept my maiden name at work in the UK but now I've moved countries so have lost that as well.

@Youknownothingsnow

Ms to Dr I meant 🤣

Oooh, congratulations! That’s a change I can wholeheartedly get behind. Well done!

@Ryannah

I suggest you experiment with being double-barrelled yourself before inflicting it on your children. I tried it when I got married and it was a colossal pain in the arse. So much so that when DC were born I just gave them DH’s surname.

Curious why you didn't give them yours? Pre double barrel?

What I found strange was that my sister never changed her surname name after she got divorced??!
Eight years later they are both with new partners but her bank account - e mail address etc has her marital name. When I questioned this she became really defensive - it is not that hard to change an e mail address ?! It really annoys her ex husband and his new partner as that was the privalge of having his surname before she went off and had an affair

@sageandbasil

I changed mine. I love having the same name as my husband

Could you still have had the same name as your husband had he changed his name to yours..?

About to divorce. Feel marital name was, in hindsight, only on loan for duration of marriage. Once divorced, no right to the name. Which now I think about it is several shades of wrong wrong wrong. Changed it for same reasons of many previously- so same name as children. Not very feminist in hindsight.

Of course I kept my name, it’s my name.

For children, girls get my name, boys get his. Our names are too long and complicated for a double-barrel approach.

It really annoys her ex husband and his new partner as that was the privalge of having his surname before she went off and had an affair

So women are not only supposed to give up the name they've had since birth, they're supposed to swap it for a new name that isn't really theirs at all, it's a name on loan that they get to use conditional on their good behaviour?

I've tried to be really polite about other people's views and choices in this thread, but: Fuck. That.

@bluebells34

What I found strange was that my sister never changed her surname name after she got divorced??! Eight years later they are both with new partners but her bank account - e mail address etc has her marital name. When I questioned this she became really defensive - it is not that hard to change an e mail address ?! It really annoys her ex husband and his new partner as that was the privalge of having his surname before she went off and had an affair

She might be used to having that name now and not be willing to go through the bother of changing again. She might like the fact that she's winding up her ex and his new partner.

An email address change really is a faff if your name is in the address itself. You'd need to reroute all your regular emails and online logins to the new one. That's one thing I didn't bother doing.

It is bizarre how many people think a woman using her husband's surname is some kind of privilege. That's just not how things work in a society where adults can call themselves whatever they like with virtually no limitation.

I find this an interesting topic, and not as simple and straightforward as it is often presented. There is more to this than a simple I chose to/I chose not to, and I think it's to our detriment that we still, in 2021, don't address this. I don't think we can pretend that this pressure and expectation doesn't exist in our society for me, a woman, in a way that simply doesn't for my partner, a man. In fact, as this thread has shown, lots of women certainly ready to throw out the old "emasculated man" trope at the suggestion of a partner who "doesn't mind" or might even consider changing their own name.

I kept my own name but kids have my surname as middle and his as last. To be honest it chafes me a bit and I do wish I'd double barrelled them as an official surname. The real honest to god truth of the matter is that I got such a strong (unexpectedly so) response from family and friends (not partner) when they found out I was keeping my own name when we married, that I just couldn't be arsed justifying myself again. My mum was visibly relieved when I confirmed my surname was "just" a middle name when my son was born. Just your common internalised misogyny, quietly working to maintain the status quo with her daughter. Yes, yes, I get that I shouldn't have to justify my reasons - but we all live in the real world and know that isn't really true, so let's not pretend. I know my reasons for not double barrelling were kind of bullshit. Benign bullshit that isnt really hurting anyone, but still bullshit. I completely get that there will be a lot of women out there who do not have this same internal conflict on this issue and actively want to change their name, but I would also say that given how socialised women have all been to expect to change our names as an inevitability since birth, that isn't a surprise. If there was truly zero pressure or expectation, and people really just loved to share a family name/choose the nicest name then there would be more men changing their names on marriage. Hands up how many here know more than 2 heterosexual men who changed their names? Hands up how many know even 1? Keep your hands up if said men were the only ones in the relationship to change their names? Keep your hands up if you don't think friends and family would talk shit about said couples choice?

Like I said, I find it an interesting subject.

@bluebells34

What I found strange was that my sister never changed her surname name after she got divorced??! Eight years later they are both with new partners but her bank account - e mail address etc has her marital name. When I questioned this she became really defensive - it is not that hard to change an e mail address ?! It really annoys her ex husband and his new partner as that was the privalge of having his surname before she went off and had an affair

My DM never changed her name after her divorce. I really don't think it's a big deal at all.

@Hardbackwriter

It really annoys her ex husband and his new partner as that was the privalge of having his surname before she went off and had an affair

So women are not only supposed to give up the name they've had since birth, they're supposed to swap it for a new name that isn't really theirs at all, it's a name on loan that they get to use conditional on their good behaviour?

I've tried to be really polite about other people's views and choices in this thread, but: Fuck. That.

So we've clarified that mens names are their own from birth, and they get to own them forever without question. Women's names are either their fathers, their husbands, or in the case of the sister here, her ex husbands. At what point are we allowed our to own our name, I wonder.

@Eatingjumper I think we are addressing it, though? A lot of this thread has been looking at motivations, societal drivers, etc.

I will also say that I've only received the mildly surprised comments related in the OP, they are very much in the minority and I haven’t been called upon to justify my choice to keep my name at all. I know hetero men who have name changed (and one where they both double barrelled) and I can’t speak for their families, but nobody’s friends particularly cared. Admittedly, this is still very much a minority position, but I think it’s indicative of a cultural shift.

There have been hundreds of posters, and only one of them had tossed around the ‘emasculated man’ silliness, which I think is a heartening testament to how far this conversation has come over the last few decades. There is obviously quite a lot of road to be covered and I’m really interested in seeing how things evolve.

I have been very surprised to see a lot of my friends who are all London living, City working, post grads who all had independent lives before marriage, take on their husband's surnames completely. It almost felt like a weird status thing - pride at getting married almost (?) even though they are all still successful career women.

My name is my identity, and I love it, so absolutely no way would I give it up.I double barrelled mine when i was married, and tbf no one commented. In fact my ex mother in law (I'm divorced now) thought my exH should also take on the double barrel as well so we would all have the same name with kids. He didn't in the end, and we divorced before kids but I think his mum would have pressured him into doing it eventually. I expected my kids to have double barrel, and it would have been a mouthful, as my surname is unusual and long - but that's their heritage so tough shit. I'm from a relatively conservative culture originally, and my mum's biggest regret was giving up her surname because ever achievement she's has since marriage has been in her husband's name. So coming to the UK yonks ago, I was shocked that in a more developed/forward thinking society, the man's name is still considered the married name.

I've discussed it with my current DP and he, nor his family have any issues with me double barrelling it if we got married. My ex, however, was horrified at the idea, an attitude that was pervasive in his life in general, hence him being an ex. He actually was the only bloke I ever met who kicked off about it, which bodes well for the future I suppose.

I changed my surname to DHs when we got married. I'd already changed it from my dads to my mums some years earlier following their divorce, so felt no real attachment to the name I had at the time. We both felt strongly about DC having the same name as us in the future, so in the circumstances it made sense for me to take DHs.

Yy todaysdilemma, a man thinking you ought to take his name is a huge red flag.

@todaysdilemma Will you current DP be double barrelling, as well?

Nobody has yet answered why the whole family having the same name cannot be achieved by the men changing their names. Do men not love having the same name as their wives?

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@todaysdilemma Will you current DP be double barrelling, as well?[/quote]
He's open to the idea, but I'm not fussed about whether he does, as any kids we have will definitely have it. And if I put his name last in the double barrel, it will be obvious he and the kids are related. I'm conscious that he is in a profession where a very distinctive name (and mine really is) is not safe, as he (and by virtue, me) could be easily identified. So if he stays in this world, then I'm not sure I'd want him to tbh. If he ever left, then there wouldn't be a problem.

@QueenLatipah

Nobody has yet answered why the whole family having the same name cannot be achieved by the men changing their names. Do men not love having the same name as their wives?

It can be solved by this exactly, but it's still so massively unheard of in our society we don't even really mention it as an option. All we talk about is whether women choose to, or not. And then we pretend it's a choice freely made without outside pressure. I refer to society in general here, not saying anyone on this thread is saying that. Just to be clear.

I took DH's name. It was completely my choice, he didn't have strong opinions either way. I wanted us to have the same surname and preferred his to my maiden name.

I never understand why some people get all high and mighty, making a big deal about not taking their husband's name...but then give it to their children.