Feel a bit sore and hurt - christmas related.

[littlebithurt]

New bf - been together 7 months. He has 1 DD (11). I have 1 DS (12). he's met my family but I've not met his. Lovely so far, I'm very much in love with him.

I was chatting and asked him how he wanted to go about Christmas - did he want to set a budget and was there anything in particular he wanted. His response has stung me a bit and I don't know if I'm being very insensitive?! He said that the years he doesn't have his DD (that would be this year) he goes into his shell and doesn't really do Christmas. I completely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be, but I feel a little bit sore. I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me. I feel pretty unimportant to him and small all of a sudden. I don't really know what to say to him tbh as whatever I say is just going to sound like I'm being a complete bitch.

Thoughts anyone?! Help me unmuddle this please!!

Being stingy or spending it with someone else if I’m being cynical. Or he could just be boring like me.

I would be so hurt by this even if it has been 'only' 7 months. I understand it must be hard without your child but why wouldn't you be looking forward to spending it with your new love?!

Do you have your DS Christmas day? Could he be he might find it a bit hard to spend it with your child but not his?

So you don't get a gift because he can't be arsed? Mmmm. No. That's not good enough. There's 101 ways he could work round it to treat you but still have his own quiet time on the day itself

No way he has someone else.

I feel incredibly hurt tbh. I feel upset. We don't live together and I hadn't even raised the idea of him being welcome to come over for christmas so it won't be that!

So does he not buy his DD any presents on years he isn't with her on Christmas Day? Or have any other day when she's there over the festive period as their Christmas celebration? I would be asking these questions!

Whatever you do, don't go buying things for him unless it's after a clear agreement that you will both buy each other gifts. This kind of statement often seems like a get out clause for men who then will accept things but not expect to have to give themselves.

If it’s genuinely that he doesn’t bother celebrating if he’s not with his dc I would let him off this year but moving forward, I would expect him to celebrate special occasions together and make an effort.

Have you told him how much Christmas means to you?

I wouldn’t go down the ‘he’s dismissed me and what matters to me’ line particularly, but I’d be concerned about his curmudgeonly attitude. First Christmas in a new relationship, he should be happy to have something to look forward to for a change, not insisting on his voluntary misery. It’s an unhealthy attitude and would make be more wary. Watch and listen and keep a little bit of your heart safe.

Some people really aren't bothered by Christmas. Honestly me being one of them, loved it when a kid, enjoyed the chilled out getting fat drinking champagne for breakfast when a young adult. Sort of like now have nippers but we really still prefer the times we have together rather than well all the fuss.

Honestly if everything else is good, he wants to go into his shell, you have a family whom love Christmas I would be cool with a "so that's a no to gifts between us then" just to make it clear and let him has the Christmas he wants and you have yours.

Icompletely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be,

You say you "completely understand", but then go on to focus on how important Christmas is to you:

I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value

😬

and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me.

I read this as you've dismissed HIM and what matters to HIM. He gets so miserable on Christmases without his daughter that he just wants to hibernate and ignore it all. And while you completely understand that 😆 you are annoyed and "sore" because actually your family loves it.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If he wants a no-Christmas Christmas, you either accept that (and accept that it'll be this way every other year), or you find somebody else.

I will openly admit that I am the grinch personified. But his attitude in such a new relationship would put me off tbh, I would be rethinking the relationship.

Thanks everyone. Well obviously I understand how shit it is for him, of course I do which is why I haven't said anything other than 'ok love, completely understand and we can leave it.' As I would never be able to tell him how hurt it has made me without making him feel awful, which I don't ever want to do. But this doesn't change the fact that I AM hurt and upset and feel like I've been completely dismissed, and I cannot help that.

Ask him to do something with you if it matters to you

It does seem you’re a little over invested for 7 months though

thanks for that. How am I over invested?! I've purposefully kept it slow and steady, I've got firm boundaries and we aren't rushing things. I wouldn't be expecting much for Christmas - just a £10 soap or something but I'm not that important. I wouldn't ask him to do something and put him in that position if it bothers him that much.

obviously I understand how shit it is for him

Not to dismiss how disappointing it is not to be with your DC on Christmas Day, but it's not that unusual. Plenty of people cope with it and manage to crack a smile and maybe even enjoy some of it. I feel far, far worse for parents who have lost a child at Christmas. He sounds like he is over dramatising a little. Plus, as I said, surely he still buys his DD gifts even if he doesn't see her on the 25th? So he must acknowledge It for her, in some way.

Why don't you see him xmas eve or boxing day instead?

Is this the first year he's been in a relationship ( since he became a single dad?).

Perhaps he doesn't know what he does when he's without his daughter.

Perhaps he didn't want to presume an invitation.

Maybe ( just thinking out loud here) ASK HIM if he would like to come round. Just a thought

I think that you’re complaining he has dismissed what you wish whilst blithely dismissing what he wishes and declaring it hurtful,

It’s been a few months, it’s a new relationship, slow down.

I would have responded by telling him that I expect to be a consideration at Christmas even when he’s without his daughter.

Start as you mean to go on…I wouldn’t accept being ditched on and not being given a gift and some quality time every second year because his daughter is with her mum. What’s that got to do with you? Your relationship is separate. You’re still his girlfriend whether he has Christmas with his daughter or not.
What sort of precedent is that for him to set?
Not good enough for me.

ASK HIM if he would like to come round. Just a thought

Then OP will have him sitting there looking glum and feeling worse herself.

You've not met his family, and he's saying that he doesn't want to spend Christmas with you.

He's not showing you any form of commitment here. Certainly not the love that you're talking about feeling.

You really need to slow down here, and step back as I think there's a chance you're going to get very hurt

Oh and let me be clear on this…I’d be mad.

@Bluntness100

I think that you’re complaining he has dismissed what you wish whilst blithely dismissing what he wishes and declaring it hurtful,

It’s been a few months, it’s a new relationship, slow down.

I haven't dismissed it. If you read the above post then I did say I told him I completely understand and we can just not do it. That is true. I also feel a bit hurt. That is also true - you can have both going on at the same time!

Not being with my son on Xmas day was incredibly difficult after I split with my H.

How long had it been since his split?