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Original poster

Feel a bit sore and hurt - christmas related.

129 replies

littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 19:38

New bf - been together 7 months. He has 1 DD (11). I have 1 DS (12). he's met my family but I've not met his. Lovely so far, I'm very much in love with him.

I was chatting and asked him how he wanted to go about Christmas - did he want to set a budget and was there anything in particular he wanted. His response has stung me a bit and I don't know if I'm being very insensitive?! He said that the years he doesn't have his DD (that would be this year) he goes into his shell and doesn't really do Christmas. I completely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be, but I feel a little bit sore. I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me. I feel pretty unimportant to him and small all of a sudden. I don't really know what to say to him tbh as whatever I say is just going to sound like I'm being a complete bitch.

Thoughts anyone?! Help me unmuddle this please!!

OP posts:
Sakurami · 15/11/2021 21:50

Honestly, I would invite him for xmas if he's on his own and he's met your family and they're desperate to invite him. Unless he has plans with his family, he should want to come.

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:52

yep that's how I'm feeling @Suprima tbh.

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 15/11/2021 21:57

No I don't like Christmas. I do enjoy seeing my friends. I send lots of cards and I buy presents.

I would happily enjoy spending it with someone I liked.

I don't like Christmas though.

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:57

Yes I know @mswales - I do open communication, I don't like to stew on things. It doesn't feel like something to be discussed over messaging though and I won't see him for a few days yet.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/11/2021 22:01

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I'm sorry but there's no way I'd want to spend a religious festival with someone of that religion - and clearly close to that religion if they have a parent whose an officiant.
Just because your parent is a vicar it doesn't make you a believer!
Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 22:02

Thank you @Nanny0gg.

Bloody awesome username! The hedgehog can never....!

OP posts:
MrsPleasant · 15/11/2021 22:04

The years I don't have DD I don't celebrate Christmas, there doesn't seem to be any point really. And I really wouldn't spend it with someone else's family. I think I'd probably do presents if I were seeing someone though. It's still a relatively new relationship so just let him get on with it this year. If you stay together, he may feel differently in the future.

Morechocmorechoc · 15/11/2021 22:04

Some of the comments here are bizarre as usual!

You know you have to just say how you feel and agree a compromise. If you stay together permanently you are setting a precedent now.

LublinToDublin · 15/11/2021 22:13

Whst are his arrangements with his dd over Christmas?

I get that he might not be up for doing something on Christmas Day itself if he's missing his dd, but to shut down for the whole season every other year is nuts!!

LublinToDublin · 15/11/2021 22:14

And likely to make his dd feel bad if she's having a great time with her dm.

pictish · 15/11/2021 22:17

@Suprima

If you have explained how much you love christmas, and he is not looking forward to making it special for you- he doesn’t really give a shit

Be prepared for Valentine’s Day being a commercial holiday cash grab so he doesn’t have to put himself out by buying you a £10 bouquet

Exactly.
frozendaisy · 15/11/2021 22:17

So try and inspire him to see a side of Christmas you can bring to his life that perhaps is missing.

What is it you love about Christmas OP?

He doesn't have to agree, at least not this year, but plant a seed and inspire instead of sulking, saying you feel dismissed, unimportant and small.

But you can start your conversation that you're sorry you presumed that Christmas was significant to him every year. That you love just a couple of days to batten down the hatches and just spend time eating, playing, champagne for breakfast without judgement of expense or alcoholism from others. The world slows down and it's a festival of hope for warmer sunnier days during the deep depths of dark winter.

Or sulk.

It's just a couple of days if everything else is good don't fall out over Christmas presents.

If he's determined to be miserable just say "just to clarify no presents between us, us/kids yeah?" And put it in a text so it's in writing and he can't backtrack.

Then go have your Christmas as if you hadn't been together.

Nothing did Mr frozen's head in more when we first met than me going off having a lovely time. He tried a bit of the sulking, got him no where.

timeisnotaline · 15/11/2021 22:20

I think you have to tell him how you feel. He’s told you how he feels. So on Christmasses he doesn’t have his daughter he’s going to be too sad to acknowledge you either. You are struggling to comprehend a relationship where your partner won’t say happy Christmas or get you a small gift, as you will be celebrating it. Will he even do these things years he does have his child or will he be too focussed on her? Maybe he means he’ll never acknowledge Christmas with you, which would be an instant deal breaker really, as it’s not a big gesture to make for your partner.

cabingirl · 15/11/2021 22:25

When I first read your post it sounded like you were asking about a budget to 'do' Christmas, not just a presents budget. Do you think he might have misinterpreted too and was trying to explain that he didn't want to get into planning a whole Christmas thing?

If it were me, I'd suggest the two of you have a kids-free 'holiday' celebration evening in the run-up to Christmas week, where you have a lovely meal and cocktails and exchange some token gifts. Then he can go into his self-imposed hiberation and you'll get back to him for some fun at New Year.

I'd be super clear about what you'd like to happen. "As we're not likely to see and celebrate Christmas on the actual day I want to have a special night on one of our pre Christmas kid free evenings. Let's go out for a lovely meal and exchange a small holiday gift - just something small and fun"

If he can't do that then he's not interested in your feelings.

Theredjellybean · 15/11/2021 22:27

Have you actually asked him if he'd like to spend it with you and your family?
I can't see that you have, poor bloke.. He won't have his dd and his gf just blithely asks what the budget is for presents.
Christ I'd be saying the same as him... Perhaps he is embarrassed that prior to meeting you he didn't have anything or anyone to spend it with.. And you certainly don't seem to have made him feel this Yr will be different so to cover up he's said he doesn't do Christmas.
You're worried about your hurt feelings but what about his... You could have said you understand but this year he can come to your family, who adore him and would love him. Being there, and you coukd have told him all the ways your family make it special etc, you could have made him feel wanted and loved and included but no... You talked budgets for your present...

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 22:43

Oh ta, @Theredjellybean, now I feel horrific. The reason I haven't asked him is that he has said before that he likes to hide away on these years and I respected that. My Mother is champing at the bit to invite him, we would all love him there but I thought it would put him in an incredibly hard position to surround him with my family and my child when he doesn't have his.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 15/11/2021 22:47

Just ask him if hed like to come as you would all love him to be there but no problem if not.

pictish · 15/11/2021 22:55

OP what do you think other parents who alternate Christmases with the kids do every second year?
You’re talking as if he’s the only person in the world who is going through this.

Theredjellybean · 15/11/2021 22:57

@littlebithurt
I'm sorry you feel horrible but you asked a question on an Internet forum, it's not an echo chamber just to validate your hurt feelings.
I feel really sorry for this poor man, maybe he was secretly hoping your family would include him so he has something /somewhere nice to be.?
You could just ask him... You could say you'd understand if it might be painful but you'd all love him to be there...
Try imaging it from his perspective rather than just your own. Hurt feelings.
He could have been thinking how nice this year will be, as he has lovely gf, and her lovely family, he doesn't have to be on his own etc, and then imagine the lovely gf brings up Christmas but instead of the invitation he was expecting he gets asked about a present budget.
He went on the defensive..

pictish · 15/11/2021 22:58

OP pay no heed to Jellybean there. She’s fantasising.

newmoonrising · 15/11/2021 23:00

Wow I actually 100% recognise how he feels and i’m shocked by some replies on here. I do exactly the same as him and if someone tried to insist I acted differently I’d show them the door.

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/11/2021 23:01

Fair enough @Theredjellybean I will ask him. That's a fair point.

R0tational · 15/11/2021 23:07

I hate christmas and I would be annoyed someone badgering me about it. 7 month in is too early in my opinion. You sound too bothered about you OP that you cant seeor empathise with him.

pollyroo · 15/11/2021 23:17

Some people just really can't be arsed with all the farce. I used to be one of them & left to my own devices I would still be the same. To some people it's just a load of over hyped over commercialised ....well hype Hmm You can't force someone to be all fake merry & into it like yourself. Although I do try now for my partners family but sometimes I do find it all a bit cringe & a bit HmmAll these songs of snow & santa ... we get no snow & Santa isn't real !Grin Ugh. What a load of bullshit. I get sick of having g it rammed down my throat every single year. But I put on a smile & I just get on with it. It is possible to not want & like all the fuss & if that is your BF then please respect his wishes.

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/11/2021 23:22

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