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Original poster

Feel a bit sore and hurt - christmas related.

129 replies

littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 19:38

New bf - been together 7 months. He has 1 DD (11). I have 1 DS (12). he's met my family but I've not met his. Lovely so far, I'm very much in love with him.

I was chatting and asked him how he wanted to go about Christmas - did he want to set a budget and was there anything in particular he wanted. His response has stung me a bit and I don't know if I'm being very insensitive?! He said that the years he doesn't have his DD (that would be this year) he goes into his shell and doesn't really do Christmas. I completely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be, but I feel a little bit sore. I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me. I feel pretty unimportant to him and small all of a sudden. I don't really know what to say to him tbh as whatever I say is just going to sound like I'm being a complete bitch.

Thoughts anyone?! Help me unmuddle this please!!

OP posts:
JurgensCakeBaby · 15/11/2021 23:31

At first I thought he sounded a bit emo, but then if he's going to spend Christmas alone I can see why he wants to ignore it and it makes it seem like you're just interested in presents. Maybe if you'd invited him to join you, in a very low pressure, totally fine if you don't want to but you would be very welcome, kind of way his response may have been different.

Japanesejazz · 15/11/2021 23:42

There are bars of soap which cost £10?

Japanesejazz · 15/11/2021 23:47

My children are grown up now, so far, they have always wanted to be at home for Christmas
If I had been without them at Christmas when they were young, I would have been a right miserable cow
I would have just gone for a long walk with the dogs followed by a horse ride followed by a bottle of baileys
Other people I would not have wanted to see
I don’t even like Christmas that much, love my girls above all else though
Nothing could compensate

Jennifer2r · 16/11/2021 00:33

I don't enjoy Christmas and that's nothing to do with my feelings for anyone else. I just don't celebrate it and prefer to be alone.

sunnyzweibrucken · 16/11/2021 01:19

Eh I understand where he is coming from. I don’t care for Xmas at all but I celebrated when my dd was young. But the years she went to her dads house I didn’t decorate or do presents. She’s in her twenties now and I haven’t decorated in about 7 or 8 years, even when she’s home during that time. It’s nothing personal but I just don’t enjoy that time of year. So maybe your OH feels the same.

sunnyzweibrucken · 16/11/2021 01:21

I do give her a present or two regardless but I don’t do presents for anyone else and it wouldn’t cross my mind to buy a present for an OH, again nothing personal Smile

RantyAunty · 16/11/2021 01:25

It doesn't sound like you're compatible.

If it's been 7 years, he needs a therapist to come to terms with this.
It's not healthy to mope every other year.

Have you had birthdays together yet?

Alexandria94 · 16/11/2021 02:38

I think you're being really insensitive. You love christmas, all your family do, you have your DC with you- so go and have a lovely christmas with them and get over your strop. You are an adult, as is he. He gets to decide how he spends Christmas, and whether he wishes to exchange gifts or not. As much as you love it, he doesn't when he doesnt have his DS with him. Leave the poor alone and let him spend it how he wishes (for a very valid reason) and have some compassion. Is a £10 bar of soap really that important to you?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/11/2021 02:53

How did it come about that he has met your family but you haven’t met his?

1forAll74 · 16/11/2021 03:21

You sound a bit too forward here, and you haven't known this man very long, and when he tells you what he would rather do at Christmas, you should just accept this. You can't make your own plans for someone, who makes their own plans.

LimpLettice · 16/11/2021 03:28

OP, go and spend half an hour reading the step parenting board. It IS shit spending it without your child, and some people don't celebrate Christmas and that's fine. That's isn't what he is telling you though, is it? He's telling you that he goes into his 'shell'. Is he one of those men that won't enjoy life in any way unless his DD is there? Because there are lots of them, and their new partners are usually miserable spending their lives with someone who can only ever feel joy for someone else.

Riverlee · 16/11/2021 03:29

He’s just being honest. He’s not rejecting you as such but explaining how he feels about Christmas.

Does he know how you feel about Christmas? Why don’t you invite him to some Christmas events?

bequietbones · 16/11/2021 05:24

My DH really dislikes Christmas, hates all the fuss.
I've got used to that. I do miss fun Xmas though as it's like there is a black cloud.
I focus on the DCs and join in with their fun

ElftonWednesday · 16/11/2021 05:41

He sounds like a pain in the arse.

LiveintheNow · 16/11/2021 06:02

Won't he see his daughter on Boxing Day or similar? Celebrate then.

Greytminds · 16/11/2021 06:21

I don’t really understand all the ott reactions to this thread. Why can’t there be a conversation along the lines of - “I appreciate Christmas is really hard when you haven’t got your child to celebrate with but Christmas is an important time for me and I’d like us to find a way to celebrate together if possible”. See what he says, invite him to your family. Respect that he may say no but at least you will have shared your feelings. If you can be honest and clear about what matters to you (without demanding he does certain things) then you can gauge his response and feelings much better.

Personally, I think that yes it’s very hard to be without a child at Christmas but I am also not sure it’s the answer to write off ever enjoying it again - I’d struggle to be with someone who is prepared to close off the chance to build something new and find happiness in other ways.

spotcheck · 16/11/2021 06:43

But, I'm still confused.

OP you said it would be inconsiderate for you to invite him- he would be around your child when his wasn't there
Why is that inconsiderate? I understand that you may not be at that stage of spending Christmas together, but I don't understand why it would be 'inconsiderate.'
Not being around your child at Christmas can be sad, but it isn't a grand scale trauma. It seems to me that 7 years is enough time to establish new traditions, and well, adapt.

Does he genuinely not like Christmas? Or is he still grieving the loss of the family unit? If it's the former, well, fair enough. He's still being quite cheap and mean though.
If it's the latter- that isn't good news.

I really don't understand why he would need to fall apart without his daughter there. Very unhealthy. She will probably cotton on to it too, which is a great deal of pressure for her too.

TeeTotaller1 · 16/11/2021 07:41

But he's told you how he's doing Christmas already hasn't he?
He's been upfront and honest in how he wants to spend it
You do you and let him do him
You sound like a bit of a spoilt kid, 7 months in, it's just over half a year, concentrate on your own plans, ask him if he wants to do an 'Christmassy' night in/out and if he doesn't then that's ok

Next Xmas might be completely different, who knows

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/11/2021 07:57

@AlbertBridge

Icompletely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be,

You say you "completely understand", but then go on to focus on how important Christmas is to you:

I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value

😬

and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me.

I read this as you've dismissed HIM and what matters to HIM. He gets so miserable on Christmases without his daughter that he just wants to hibernate and ignore it all. And while you completely understand that 😆 you are annoyed and "sore" because actually your family loves it.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If he wants a no-Christmas Christmas, you either accept that (and accept that it'll be this way every other year), or you find somebody else.

I haven't rtft yet but this stood out for me.

Me and my partner of over 2 years had our first fall out at the weekend over this. He doesnt 'do' Christmas. He has bad associations with it and as he isn't religious, takes it quite literally and just doesn't understand why people who aren't religious would celebrate. Which is fair enough from his POV I guess.

Me and my family have always loved Christmas. The last 3 years I have wanted to hide until it's all over though as me and my husband married at Christmas and separated just after Christmas 4 years ago. This is the year I decided to put those ghosts to rest and enjoy it again.

After a stressful day for him, he told me that he doesn't want to do anything at Christmas and that he feels forced to spending Christmas dinner with me and my family, which obviously hurt a lot.

We just have completely opposing views on it (which is about the only thing in the whole relationship). He did apologise for what he said but now I feel a little deflated and that he doesn't really want to be with me and my family on the day but it is all arranged now and I can't face telling everyone why he isn't there so he is coming.

I deliberately left him out of Xmas eve with me and my kids and Xmas morning for this reason so me and my two kids will have that special time on our own being as Christmassy as we like.

I guess you (and I) have to respect that not everyone likes or enjoys Christmas. As for the presents though, my dp will always buy them for his nearest and dearest, even though he couldn't care less about receiving them. I would be very hurt if I got nothing at all.

ExcitedtoTry · 16/11/2021 08:00

Not the best start of a relationship if you can’t tell him how you feel.

If I loved him I would ask if he wanted to spend the day together. I think you’re overthinking his response.

Fireflygal · 16/11/2021 08:03

Op, Since you are getting to know each other, it's worth exploring his feelings further and finding out more. You are still I'm the "getting to know each other stage".

What has he done in previous years?

Is he not close to family? I don't enjoy Christmas without my dc but make the best of it and I buy presents because that's about giving joy to others. This is what you're struggling with...does he not have close relatives who he cares about enough to give presents?

It's fine to feel sad about being without his daughter but is he self indulgent?

Keep in mind you don't know him and you haven't seen him around his family so go slowly. He may be someone who can only focus on his feelings.

Teeturtle · 16/11/2021 08:06

I think you seem very insensitive and incapable of seeing anything other than from your own point of view. You say you “completely understand” but there is no evidence of that whatsoever.

He doesn’t have his daughter for Christmas and his girlfriend makes it clear he is not welcome at her family Christmas and the only think she shows any interest in is what the budget is! It is you I would be having second thoughts about.

Cheeseandlobster · 16/11/2021 08:12

@AlbertBridge

Icompletely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be,

You say you "completely understand", but then go on to focus on how important Christmas is to you:

I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value

😬

and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me.

I read this as you've dismissed HIM and what matters to HIM. He gets so miserable on Christmases without his daughter that he just wants to hibernate and ignore it all. And while you completely understand that 😆 you are annoyed and "sore" because actually your family loves it.

Do you see what I'm saying?

If he wants a no-Christmas Christmas, you either accept that (and accept that it'll be this way every other year), or you find somebody else.

This in spades. You are making this all about you. How hurt you are.

I have had a few Christmases without my ds and it fucking hurts more than you seem to understand. It isn't about you at all. I don't know if you realise being in your very lovely my family love Christmas bubble that when you don't have much family, the whole Christmas period is very painful. The adverts mainly seem to be about big families being together, people posting on social media about Christmas with the family, Christmas shopping with the family, get togethers with the family. I have felt exactly like your boyfriend does. I have had to plaster on a smile and give gifts to other people's kids knowing I won't be seeing my own but actually I would have preferred to hibernate too. Try to be more understanding rather than paying lip service but not really understanding at all.

gannett · 16/11/2021 08:16

The problem here seems to be that there hasn't been enough conversation and OP has taken what her boyfriend's said a bit too personally.

OP brings up Xmas in the context of presents, BF tells her he usually goes into his shell - which is fair enough in the context. (Disagree with the unsympathetic posters saying he should get over it and stop moping - it may not even be glum moping but a routine he's settled into to cope. Sometimes you need to be by yourself to deal with a situation but it doesn't mean you're wallowing in misery!)

But why is that the end of the conversation? In OP's position, if I enjoyed Xmas and had nice things planned, I'd say: do you want to join us for Xmas Day? Or Xmas Eve if that's too much? And no pressure, because I understand if you do just want to be alone.

It would also be a good opportunity to have the kind of deeper conversation you should be having about seven months - if he wants to talk about his emotions surrounding Xmas and the breakdown of his former family unit. If he feels you "get it", he'll probably feel more comfortable as your guest.

If I was prone to feeling sad at Xmas for whatever reason, I'd want to know that anyone inviting me anywhere would understand that, and not take it personally if I went a bit quiet or needed to take myself off for half an hour - rather than plastering on a fake smile and being jolly all day. If I didn't know that, I'd rather just be alone and not have to pretend.

I have a complicated relationship with Xmas for very different reasons - it's never been an issue for me because DP is the same, so we just do our own non-traditional thing. I'd really struggle if I was in a relationship with someone who wanted me to do all the traditional big family things though. Not that I couldn't or wouldn't but I'd want to talk through my emotions around it all and know they had my back if everything got a bit much.

IslaInthesun · 16/11/2021 08:34

Definitely don't tell him your mum is champing at the bit to invite him

7 months isn't long and that'll surely see him running for the hills.