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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel a bit sore and hurt - christmas related.

129 replies

littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 19:38

New bf - been together 7 months. He has 1 DD (11). I have 1 DS (12). he's met my family but I've not met his. Lovely so far, I'm very much in love with him.

I was chatting and asked him how he wanted to go about Christmas - did he want to set a budget and was there anything in particular he wanted. His response has stung me a bit and I don't know if I'm being very insensitive?! He said that the years he doesn't have his DD (that would be this year) he goes into his shell and doesn't really do Christmas. I completely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be, but I feel a little bit sore. I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me. I feel pretty unimportant to him and small all of a sudden. I don't really know what to say to him tbh as whatever I say is just going to sound like I'm being a complete bitch.

Thoughts anyone?! Help me unmuddle this please!!

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/11/2021 21:26

I haven't told him I love him, I have kept things bright and breezy.
He's been split up with her for 7 years.

pictish · 15/11/2021 21:28

7 years? Give over.

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:30

Yes, 7 years?

OP posts:
tara66 · 15/11/2021 21:31

But going forward with this relationship - he needs to know how you feel about Xmas; that it's important to you - doesn't he actually know that already though? It seems strange. If he visits you in the run up to Xmas he'll see all your decorations etc. What will you actually do for Xmas - be with relatives or friends if not with him?

pictish · 15/11/2021 21:32

He’s using it as an excuse to be a lazy bastard. He cba. He’s setting you up to have low expectations. Imo.

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:33

He knows it's important. My parent is a Vicar and we have discussed it occasionally. I'll be with relatives, it was never a case of being with him, although my DM is desperate to invite him over, which obviously won't be appropriate I think.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 21:33

Name change fail op

3luckystars · 15/11/2021 21:33

Just leave him alone, it’s obviously how he copes with it. It must be really hard for him without his daughter, it would probably be even harder if he was to spend it with you and your son, as that would be like rubbing salt into it. Just give him time, get him a gift this year and he might slowly get to like Christmas again.

If he was acting like this on your birthday, then that’s another story , but Christmas means different things to people, some like being by themselves. Give him space.

I think what it’s all about is really being kind anyway so just enjoy yourself and be as kind as you can and hopefully he will come around and start enjoying Christmas again.

Supersimkin2 · 15/11/2021 21:33

You want to celebrate Xmas and he hasn't up till now. OK.

Tell him how much you love Xmas - that should be enough to sway him.

He ought to want to have a good Xmas for a change.

I'd be wary if he doesn't.

spotcheck · 15/11/2021 21:34

Op
Have you asked if he wants to get together?

pictish · 15/11/2021 21:34

The reason you’re hurt? His attitude is hurtful. It’s not you.

pennysays · 15/11/2021 21:36

I don’t think he’s being lazy or dismissing your feelings. People have hugely different attitudes to Christmas… as the years go by you’ll work our what a compromise looks like for you both. But at the moment it’s perhaps a bit early to be pushing his version of Christmas on you or or you on him.

Make other plans, tell him you’d love to do something special with him soon but it doesn’t have to be on Christmas Day.

Some people aren’t very Christmassy and if you are super Christmassy then you have to know that going forward it will be a compromise you’ll develop together slowly.

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:36

I wasn't suggesting we spend christmas together - I'd never be that insensitive! This is mainly because he doesn't want to acknowledge it in anyway - he doesn't want to even get presents for each other.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 21:36

Your parent is a vicar!!! Drip feed of the century

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:37

Is it?! Why?! I'm not a vicar!!

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:37

I'm not particularly religious either!

OP posts:
Didimum · 15/11/2021 21:38

Your feelings are valid. You love him, you want him to be part of Christmas with you. You want him to feel the same about you.

But break this up a little. It’s not necessarily you or the care to make you happy he doesn’t feel strongly about. He just doesn’t feel strongly about Christmas. Doesn’t seem like he feels anything about Christmas other than it being for the kids, and that’s not an uncommon opinion. Some people aren’t into events or gift giving. It’s one day and it doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship. Unless you have sat him down and explained how much Christmas means to you and how much it would mean to you to share Christmas with him, and suggest a compromise (ie, not just your way), then you can’t expect him to be a mind reader.

Relationships require open communication. Use your big girl voice and speak up.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 21:40

I'm sorry but there's no way I'd want to spend a religious festival with someone of that religion - and clearly close to that religion if they have a parent whose an officiant.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/11/2021 21:42

I don't mean any offense, but I'm not religious and can't be doing with it when the shops are going to be shut and I can't get out of the house.

GentlemanJay · 15/11/2021 21:42

I really don't like Christmas. That doesn't mean I don't do Christmas.

Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:42

I'm really sorry too @EvenMoreFuriousVexation but you appear to have completely misread the thread. I had never asked him to spend christmas with me, it would never be a consideration at this early stage. It is not my religion - I have a parent who is a vicar but that does not make me one. I felt hurt as he doesn't even want to give me a christmas card, let alone a small gift etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlebithurt · 15/11/2021 21:43

so @GentlemanJay even if your partner loved it you wouldn't even give them a card?! That seems a little harsh to me.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 15/11/2021 21:44

Well it’s only November, maybe he is one of those people that don’t think about it until the week before.

Suprima · 15/11/2021 21:47

If you have explained how much you love christmas, and he is not looking forward to making it special for you- he doesn’t really give a shit

Be prepared for Valentine’s Day being a commercial holiday cash grab so he doesn’t have to put himself out by buying you a £10 bouquet

mswales · 15/11/2021 21:48

It's really concerning if you don't feel able to share your feelings with him and have an honest conversation seven months in. It sounds like you're having to tiptoe round him because it's just so awful for him not to be able to be with his DD. He has feelings and you have feelings, his don't take precedence over yours - if this is a good relationship you should both be able to be open about them. Having to hide the fact you're feeling really hurt about something is a red flag.