Feel a bit sore and hurt - christmas related.

[littlebithurt]

New bf - been together 7 months. He has 1 DD (11). I have 1 DS (12). he's met my family but I've not met his. Lovely so far, I'm very much in love with him.

I was chatting and asked him how he wanted to go about Christmas - did he want to set a budget and was there anything in particular he wanted. His response has stung me a bit and I don't know if I'm being very insensitive?! He said that the years he doesn't have his DD (that would be this year) he goes into his shell and doesn't really do Christmas. I completely understand that - I cannot imagine Christmas without my DS and I can't comprehend how hard it would be, but I feel a little bit sore. I love Christmas, my family adore it and it is something I really value and it just feels like he has just dismissed me and what matters to me. I feel pretty unimportant to him and small all of a sudden. I don't really know what to say to him tbh as whatever I say is just going to sound like I'm being a complete bitch.

Thoughts anyone?! Help me unmuddle this please!!

What’s his relationship history?

Why did the relationship with the mother of his child fail?

What is his relationship like with his family?

Does he have close friends?

These things will tell you everything about a person. How do these also apply to you?

I struggle to comprehend that someone for the last 7 years would behave like this if he had stable relationships.

YOU being anxious to bring things up is a HUGE red flag. Are you tiptoeing around him because he is “tricky”?

Start by asking him what his 'happy' Christmas looks like, when he does have his daughter with him.

Does he need the validation of performing 'Disney Dad' with heaps of presents or do they enjoy other, non commercial activities like walks and watching silly movies ?

Not everybody associates presents with showing love, DH does while I very much do not.

For me, seven months into a relationship is very, very early days. We with only adult DCs and not living together spent our first few Christmases apart. Christmas is absolutely the worst time to introduce a new partner to the family circle, when emotions run high anyway.

His reaction so far could be anything and nothing. Use the opportunity to find out more about each other. It will be time well spent for when/if you do ever live together.

Seven months, or seven years together?

Op I think the biggest issue is that after he said he spent alternate christmases on his own and didn’t celebrate you said you were ok when you weren’t.

You should be able to have a conversation about your needs and his needs to try to reach a compromise. If no compromise can be found then you need to think about the whole relationship, if this is the only thing wrong with it is it worth splitting up with him? Or are you starting to get niggled by other personality traits and there’s a whole package of things that make this relationship unviable?

FWIW I don’t celebrate my birthday but my children and partner want to make a fuss so I let them in a low key way. My partner doesn’t like Valentine’s Day but we’ll exchange cards and maybe do something different even if it’s just lunch or one year I made him a special cake with an ingredient he said he liked.

I’d ignore posts that make assumptions that he’s lazy / tight / should be over this after 7 years. He could be lazy and tight but there’s not enough info to go on and maybe he’s generous the rest of the year?

I think your overthinking this.

At 7 months it's probably too early for him to spend Christmas with you and your child. So, suggest a small gift or activity together and let him know that if you stay together long-term his current 'huddle' won't work. It probably also makes it more difficult for his child but I'd leave that conversation for now. He may just need time to adjust to a new reality.

Maybe you're not suited. I know plenty of people who aren't into Christmas but they still manage to crack a smile and enjoy time with the people they love. His attitude is 'this is what I do, I don't want to talk about it'. No thought of the fact he is now in a relationship with someone else to consider. I'd be wary about what other stuff he is going to be like this about.

It all sounds a bit grim to be honest. Surely he should be excited at new opportunities plus his daughter is getting old and isn’t exactly believing in santa anymore surely? He sounds stuck in a rut and is in danger of not growing or moving on with life as his daughter ages out. Is he still going to be like this when she’s 20 and off for xmas skiing with her mates? Could it be attention seeking behaviour? He wants you feeling sorry for him?

Hi OP I tend to agree with what @mewkins says...he should give you some consideration. I too would be hurt at what he said...is this how he will be in future Xmases...I’m in 2 minds without knowing what he’s like rest of the time

I would be focused 100% this year on YOUR DS.

It’s his childhood Christmas - these are finite in number. He doesn’t need his DM or DHM moony, pining and being preoccupied with some bloke that has only been in his life a couple of months.

Concentrate on your DS.

If your RS goes well - your DS will likely be sharing his Christmases with technically a couple of strangers next year. His childhood Christmas traditions will be changed (better?worse?different?) from then on.

Focus and prioritise your finite emotional energy, time and headspace on him always.

Why haven’t you met his family?

When will that happen - have you been able to talk about that?

@ESGdance

I would be focused 100% this year on YOUR DS.

It’s his childhood Christmas - these are finite in number. He doesn’t need his DM or DHM moony, pining and being preoccupied with some bloke that has only been in his life a couple of months.

Concentrate on your DS.

If your RS goes well - your DS will likely be sharing his Christmases with technically a couple of strangers next year. His childhood Christmas traditions will be changed (better?worse?different?) from then on.

Focus and prioritise your finite emotional energy, time and headspace on him always.

Why haven’t you met his family?

When will that happen - have you been able to talk about that?

Absolutely this in a nutshell

@Teeturtle

I think you seem very insensitive and incapable of seeing anything other than from your own point of view. You say you “completely understand” but there is no evidence of that whatsoever.

He doesn’t have his daughter for Christmas and his girlfriend makes it clear he is not welcome at her family Christmas and the only think she shows any interest in is what the budget is! It is you I would be having second thoughts about.

Completely unnecessary. Really, really is, to judge someone so harshly you don't even know and have a tiny snapshot of. This conversation just came about as I was sorting Christmas lists - all I said was I was organising Christmas presents and wondered how he wanted to do it, is there anything in particular he wanted etc? It was NOTHING to do with any other aspect of Christmas at all. I am incredibly supportive, I bend over backwards for people I care about and I'm sorry if I'm not perfect but that is me. I'm certainly not insensitive in the slightest.

And I bloody won't be moony, pining etc. I will be my normal, cheerful, happy self because at the end of the day it is a time of year I love and I am lucky enough to have family etc. And for all those saying I was awful and insensitive to not invite him etc, this wasn't regarding any other part of Christmas, we weren't talking about what actually happens on the day.

I dunno, him hating Christmas without his daughter is just weird. It sounds like an excuse.

If it’s important state it. If you’re of any worth than he will talk to you about it.

I’m feeling like it’s his way to let you know he isn’t invested. He had t even had you round to meet his family!!! At 7 months that’s embarrassing for you!!! Especially since you’ve had him meet your own family!!!

It’s OK to want something from a partner. It’s OK to voice your needs. Watch how he will disappoint you… he isn’t in it for the long haul. Seriously, he should be trying to woo you at this point… yet here you are…

(And by weird I mean he can be sad not to have his daughter there but it shouldn’t stop him from wanting to give joy to you)

OP, i would be hurt too! Would alsp find his self imposed misery a bit odd as well,

Why would you leave him home alone for Christmas..
Obviously you invite people you love to share the day with you .
Maybe he’s never had anywhere invite him on the Christmases he hasn’t got his daughter.
I’m shocked your in a relationship with someone you would consider leaving alone at Christmas and not inviting him to join your family .

If my kids were elsewhere at Xmas there is no way I'd agree to spend it with someone else's kids. I'd rather ignore the day. So I understand where your bf is coming from.

I'd also say, it sounds like he's really not that into you and you are way more invested in this than him rightnow.

So what happens the Christmas he has his daughter, is he the Christmas Elf one year and the Grinch the next? Is he planning on withdrawing for Christmas this year?

I don't understand how wanting to swap Xmas pressies with a BF of 7 months is over invested, needy or too soon. You only asked him what he would like for Xmas I don't see where you requested that he spend the festive period with you and yours.

Some posters seem to have difficulty reading and processing information or think they are on AIBU all of the time.

You are allowed to feel upset @littlebithurt and not be criticised for it.

I agree. And I’d leave the self-absorbed bugger to it as well.

Yes I think he sounds a right drip too. How old is he, 5? So he can't cope with Christmas without his daughter so he hides away? Quite pathetic. Does this sort of person appeal to you?

I think you are in danger of becoming too understanding. Don't let him treat you badly just because you are trying to be kind .

OP,

Slow down.

He sounds a misery and he will drag you down with him.

7 years apart from his ex and he can't pretend to put a normal face on but has to put a downer on it.

Focus on your child and family.

I would be concerned that you are madly in love after 7 months with someone who has met your family but hasn't introduced you to his.

I would slow down big time because it sounds as if this is a receipe for you being let down and hurt.

If it's important to you, why wouldn't you tell him? What about the future of your relationship, there'll surely be other differences of opinion, will you also not tell him how you feel about those? He doesn't have to spend the day with you and your family, but setting aside some time for both of you to celebrate your first christmas as a couple - is that not important to him? Did he check that you were ok with him hiding himself away, or not give you a choice?

Fucking hell, some of these comments....

SO I am a mum and share custody of my son.

In the past, when I didn't have my son on Xmas day, I couldn't be arsed with it all. I lost my brother when I was 18, haven't spoken to my mum for years, have an alcoholic father, and have have various experiences of abuse etc. I didn't have to put a front of ' happy holidays' on, so I didn't. Even in my relationship for a few years, I did exactly the same.
The xmas's I had my child, completely different story. No one went to more of an effort to make the festive season special than I did.

I'm not boring, I'm not a grinch, or anything else this poor blokes been accused of. I could just do my own thing, which generally involved snapping on the sofa and taking it easy.
Nowadays, yes I spend it with my partner of 10 years, but people shouldn't judge based on a snippet of surface level description.

Apologies, posted on the wrong thread.
Have requested it be deleted.