Dh is so lazy - anyone else in this situation?

[Strawbales]

I need to make it clear here I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

We both work full time so no problems there. But day to day stuff like loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing and putting the laundry away, all falls on me. And about 80% of Dc related stuff.

So to take this morning as an example. I’m up at 6, get myself showered and ready, DC wake at 645, get them washed, dressed and bags in the car ready for nursery / work. Meanwhile, Dh is snoring away.

Now I could and probably should wake him but the thing is he doesn’t help. Like when he did wake he just rolled over and was sprawled out in the bed so I had to keep telling him to move as I’d put the baby’s socks there! Small things but he just adds to the rush.

If you ask him to do something specific he will but often not for long (so for instance please will you take kids to park so I can do some work - he will take them for thirty minutes then he’s back.)

Every so often he will do a big clean and then be really annoying about everyday mess like toys and so on but he doesn’t seem to see the thousand small things I do every day!

Starting to be a bit fed up.

Talk to him about it and that it’s not fair?

Well yes … I could, but I’m really wondering if anyone else has been in this situation?

I mean, I think for most people talking to their partner is the first thing they try to do.

Ah ok, sorry, but I don’t really see what else you can do but talk it out with him? My XH wasn’t lazy at all but my DP is. I find his laziness pretty unappealing but I can only imagine how much I would have hated having him as the father of my kids!

My exdh was like this, but he was also an abusive arse, he saw those things as 'my' job, along with a full time job. Thank god I didn't have dc with him. For him it was about the fact that he saw himself as above everyone else, he'd been spoilt by his grandparents, they did EVERYTHING for him and he expected the same from his partners. A mutual friend says he's still like this with his new wife, but they also have a small child. I feel so sorry for her as I'm sure he won't have changed

It seems op, you know he's not going to get any better so you either put up, or ship out. But as you've said you won't leave the only suggestion I have is get a cleaner and help in other areas.

I think the only options are talk about it either by yourselves or with a therapist or leave or put up with it. I don't think there is anything else to do.

stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry etc.

I'm guessing you've already tried talking to him about it on multiple occasions. He's unlikely to change and if you carry on moaning abiut it then you become the nagging wife which causes you even more stress.

I guess if you're not willing to leave him then you just have to put up with it and accept that this is your life now.

Can you start getting up earlier to get the tidying and cleaning done? Can you get a cleaner? I think they're the only real practical suggestions, assuming the kids are too young to help you properly.

It's really hard once that pattern is set, unfortunately. It suits him for things not to change in your favour. It's a shame he isn't a more considerate person.

Take the emotion out of it and turn it in to a 'to do list' sort of conversation. These are the things WE need to do every week - shopping, cleaning etc. How do you think we can do these best etc.
A checklist and non personalised agreement each week/ day on these. If you start being pushy it will just cause friction - keep it breezy and practical. Also make sure to include some chill time too, after we do the floors lets watch netflicks with a beer etc. Everyone has different standards of helping/ cleaning so try to meet in the middle.

That’s what I am wondering. In some ways putting up with it is the easiest option. Him mending his ways could lead to more work, and that’s not what I want!

On the other hand the injustice does sting when he’s snoring in bed until half seven every morning!

@DaisyNGO

stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry etc.

Guaranteed not to have any effect and its a very infantile way to resolve issues.

Just talk about it. And be open to different solutions. I’m the morning person, so I do all the morning things while DH literally struggles to wake up, get out of bed and to work. He’s a zombie until around 10am.

But then DH is a night person while once the sun sets, I am shattered, So he’s doing the evening chores of cooking dinner, washing dishes, checking on the cats/topping them up, wiping down the kitchen, rinsing and taking out recycling, sweeping up any dirt tracked into the entry way, checking the calendar and prepping school bags/lunches/mail for next day, etc.

"We both work full time, how do you propose we split the housework, childcare and life admin?"

When he says 'we should split it' break it down. E.g. "so what tasks will you take between wake up and getting DC to school and which will I do?"

Make it his problem.

I’d tell him days are split from now on.

Mon- Wed you do everything house and kids

Thurs- Sat he does everything house and kids and you sprawl in the bed.

Sundays are easier days you can share between you- unless you’re the kind of weirdos who pack Sundays full of shit to do

@Strawbales

That’s what I am wondering. In some ways putting up with it is the easiest option. Him mending his ways could lead to more work, and that’s not what I want!

On the other hand the injustice does sting when he’s snoring in bed until half seven every morning!

What do you mean by more work? My wife hates cleaning, it was a constant source of friction. Now we have an agreement on minimal cleaning and I do the majority. I'm also getting a cleanrer because a tidy house matters more to me. I focus on what I want to achieve rather than why she wont help. Shes not doing it to be difficult she is just oblivious to mess and I'm not. If you park the injustice thinking and think about what you want things will be easier. Pick your battles and dont aim for perfect.

My husband is similar. He will happily do any household task I ask him to do IF I ask him to do it. It is like being a manager. I do find it frustrating, but I knew what he was like when I married him and he has lots of other good points.

I'm not a martyr to it though and I do tell him (and the kids) what needs doing. My advice is: Don't fall into the trap of just doing the chore because no-one else has done it and don't impose your own standards on others - ds's method of putting his clothes away leaves something to be desired, but I just bite my tongue!

@PlanDeRaccordement

Just talk about it. And be open to different solutions. I’m the morning person, so I do all the morning things while DH literally struggles to wake up, get out of bed and to work. He’s a zombie until around 10am.

But then DH is a night person while once the sun sets, I am shattered, So he’s doing the evening chores of cooking dinner, washing dishes, checking on the cats/topping them up, wiping down the kitchen, rinsing and taking out recycling, sweeping up any dirt tracked into the entry way, checking the calendar and prepping school bags/lunches/mail for next day, etc.

This is great advice above. Accept some things and appreciate he might be on a different clock.

So it's his job to gets the kids up and ready to go, Monday Wednesday and Friday, you do the cooking that night, he fills the dishwasher, you empty on his "get the kids up" morning

You swap and you get the kids up Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, he cooks, you fill the dishwasher, he emptys on your "gets the kids up" morning.

Sunday joint effort

Put clothes away, depending on kids ages, put on the bed for them and DH to do. Or if you wash and dry it, he puts it away.

My DH is also oblivious to mess. If I don't point things out he just doesn't see it - I have known him since his student days and I know this is true (as opposed to him avoiding chores)

@Strawbales

That’s what I am wondering. In some ways putting up with it is the easiest option. Him mending his ways could lead to more work, and that’s not what I want!

On the other hand the injustice does sting when he’s snoring in bed until half seven every morning!

DH, bless his cotton socks, is always so shocked when he hears women say this sort of thing. But... the truth is that he started slipping into it. The difference is that he 100% woke up when I pointed out that we'd slipped into this thing where it was my problem to get the kids (and him) up and out the door and if, for example, I had an early meeting, I'd be the one getting up even EARLIER because god forbid he should pick up the slack.

The morning one seems obvious to me - tell him from now you're taking turns to get the kids up and out the door. If he can't or won't help you and do it as a team, then do it individually. On your days, you can have a leisurely lie in or use the opportunity to get some exercise/go to the office early or whatever.

Ultimately, either he's a man who when you point out what your'e doing and he's not, will realise and be mortified and fix things (my DH) OR he will claim that is life is harder/he does loads etc and you will be positioned as the nag (BIL). In which case the decision is whether to accept it or to move on.

Colin - I have seen that work. If it doesn't work, then you know what the next steps are, but I don't think it's infantile at all. If the arrangement is meant to be for housework to be evenly split, then it's evenly split.

I have one friend who regularly worked late and her husband would only make dinner for himself. So she said "okay, going forward, we will just cook our own meals" and he did realise how unfair he was being.

Personally I would have been pissed off with him for a raft of other reasons, but some people don't realise how much work is involved in keeping a household going until they actually do it, and some people won't actually do it till they have to.

It seems a lot better than waiting for the main person to have a crisis, an absence, an illness etc and then realising that the other person doesn't have a clue how to do anything efficiently.

don't impose your own standards on others - ds's method of putting his clothes away leaves something to be desired, but I just bite my tongue!

This is good advice. The way my DH loads the dishwasher gives me real physical discomfort every morning when I put the dishes away because it’s just so wrongly different from how I would do it, but everything still comes out clean so I objectively consider that a me issue, tell my gut to shut up, and don’t say anything.

Start going to the gym at 6.45 every morning. Wake him up with a cup of tea before you go then go from gym to work. He will have to work out how to get up and get the kids sorted before work.

It’s pointless though @DaisyNGO because unless I have no clean clothes for me or the children or don’t eat I still have the same amount of work to do!

If he gets up early with the children and takes them to nursery I’m not convinced he wouldn’t be asking me questions every two seconds and then something would be forgotten.

So for example on Sunday he was a bit sulky as one of the kids had an accident on his jacket, there were no wipes as I hadn’t packed any but why is this solely my job? It’s annoying.

I need to be at work at 8, I can’t be at the gym at 645.