Dh is so lazy - anyone else in this situation?

[Strawbales]

I need to make it clear here I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

We both work full time so no problems there. But day to day stuff like loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing and putting the laundry away, all falls on me. And about 80% of Dc related stuff.

So to take this morning as an example. I’m up at 6, get myself showered and ready, DC wake at 645, get them washed, dressed and bags in the car ready for nursery / work. Meanwhile, Dh is snoring away.

Now I could and probably should wake him but the thing is he doesn’t help. Like when he did wake he just rolled over and was sprawled out in the bed so I had to keep telling him to move as I’d put the baby’s socks there! Small things but he just adds to the rush.

If you ask him to do something specific he will but often not for long (so for instance please will you take kids to park so I can do some work - he will take them for thirty minutes then he’s back.)

Every so often he will do a big clean and then be really annoying about everyday mess like toys and so on but he doesn’t seem to see the thousand small things I do every day!

Starting to be a bit fed up.

So you have asked what to do but because all the answers say you need to discuss it, stop doing things and let him crack on you are just going to ignore it and say it’s only a mild irritation?! Ok! Enjoy your life of domestic drudgery and resentment.

Not at all. I honestly don’t know how you have read that into what I posted - I haven’t said it or inferred it.

It isn’t something that I would leave a partner over, maybe if we didn’t have children I’d consider it, but we do. Maybe others would: it’s not for me to decide how others live their lives.

Just the same, it’s annoying. And talking to him is pointless. I know what he’d say which is that I only have to ask but I shouldn’t have to ask.

Talking to other women in the same boat (as you can see I am not alone) gives you ideas and you see how others manage it. It also is good to have a vent!

So no, i’m certainly not condemning myself to a life of ‘domestic drudgery. If that seriously bothered me I wouldn’t have had kids!

I don’t know if there is an answer, because I’m up early and I’m the one who therefore sorts kids out and I have to leave the house anyway so drop them at nursery so I’m the one nursery ring when they don’t have something!

Loads of people have given you answers. Loads.

And you’re here pretending they haven’t. Nice.

It isn’t my intention to cause offence, but I haven’t posted anything offensive so perhaps if the thread is bothering you, step back from it?

I would start with weekends when it doesn’t matter what time he gets dc out the house or if he forgets something. Take yourself out for the day / go away for weekend and leave him to it. He will make mistakes but we all did and the dc survived without a wipe or change of clothes. Regularly leave him with sole charge dc for extended periods of time when he can’t just leave any mess for you to sort out. Then when he’s more confident parenting alone get him to do his share of weekday mornings. I think the one who doesn’t have to get to work early should be getting dc up and dropping at nursery and you should just be getting yourself out. Why should your dc have to wake up at 6.45 to suit him that makes for a long nursery day.

To be fair, they do wake around that time anyway.

But this is where I’m just not sure there’s a solution - which is not in any way trying to denigrate those who have replied, but personally I don’t want to go out of the house for the day. And if I did, I’m sure Dh would be fine, but I can’t see him miraculously then getting up at 630 and helping the rest of the week.

He (rightly, in fairness) would say I only need to wake him and maybe I should but then when he actually creates more work it’s pointless. So he carries on having an easy life!

Change your working hours so that you start an hour earlier, force him to get up and deal with the kids.

The problem with your martyrdom is it (usually) plays out like this:

You can't allow failure so you do everything
He lets you because it's easy
He turns into another chore on your list
Sex becomes a chore to be avoided
He completes his transmutation into your third child
Sex is now over and so is your marriage

Everyone here has seen this story play out so many times on MN and they are trying to help you from going down this path.

No one said you have been offensive but your story makes no sense. You started off understandably complaining about your situation, got offered helpful suggestions which you ignored. You then claimed your husband wouldn’t bother to feed or clothe your children or take them to nursery if you didn’t do it but now are saying it’s just a “fairly mild irritation” and you don’t really mind.

If you had a colleague who only did any work when you specifically asked them to (even though you're a colleague not their manager) would you just start doing it for them in addition to your own job?

I think you just wanted to vent though really if and feel that it's a normal way to live, rather than actually find a solution. Because you know he won't change and it seems you'd rather just accept that than rock the boat.

Tbh @Bowlofhotslop, I’m not finding your input at all helpful, you clearly aren’t finding the thread a particularly enjoyable one for want of a better word? So there’s no point!

I think the issue is I have two choices, choice one is I insist it’s all fifty fifty, I make him get up, I tell him what to do. He’s doing the same as me but it’s no less work for me as I’m still coordinating it all.

Choice two is do it myself, which in so many ways is easier - but SO annoying!

It’s really interesting people are saying I don’t want to rock the boat.

I don’t know that it is that. I suppose I just really don’t want to feel like his mother, as well as the mother to the kids.

And it’s day to day stuff but maybe if I added it all up and included things like car maintenance and so on it would actually be more even than I think? I definitely notice it in the mornings, though.

If he starts work later than you, he needs to be doing mornings with the children. Not just "helping" you but completely responsible for them... waking kids, dressing, breakfast, packing nursery bags, nursery run. If you then finish work earlier than him, you can do pick-ups, most dinners, unpack nursery bags, put laundry on etc.

Look, what it comes down to is that you have three options...

1. Talk to him
2. Go on strike and only do stuff for you and the kids. Walk out of the house at the weekend and leave him to parent solo so you get some time to yourself
3. Leave him

The option you're ultimately going to pick is entirely your decision and depends on how much you mind being treated as a unpaid skivvy (who works a double-shift) in your marriage. While he does his one job and then repose himself on the sofa while you skivvy around him. That would be grounds for LTB or bury him under the patio for most of us on this thread but I'm not getting the sense that you mind that much.

I know you're just venting OP but you are being a martyr. Of course he won't step up if you don't even wake him because he'll just create work for you. I'd probably stay in bed too under those circumstances.

But you don’t seem to be finding anyone’s input helpful. You clearly just came on for a moan and to have everyone say “oh yes it’s so annoying, a woman’s work is never done, don’t we all have a hard time”. Most posters have actually said no, you don’t have to put up with this and given you really constructive ways to improve your life but you won’t give up any control.
If you don’t want to feel like his mother, stop acting like it.

I’m certainly not being an intentional martyr, for want of a better word. I’m just reluctant to add to my workload by insisting Dh does his share.

I’m not walking around wringing my hands and bewailing how hard done by I am - I’m just conscious that insisting he does more creates more work for me. So in a way I’m being quite lazy as well!

@Bowlofhotslop, as with all MN threads, some comments are helpful, some are not: I’m a bit baffled as to why you have taken such issue with it.

Reading back through the thread it looks like a normal enough thread to me.

If him helping creates more work for you, then this must be strategic incompetence in action. He messes up so you will leave him be.

The man manages to hold down a responsible job yet he isn't capable of doing his share at home? Pull the other one .

OP, I have this (and love him, don't want to leave him, etc.).

It's got a lot better since we talked about the mental load. He said he got it, but for a long time he really didn't it. But the thing that eventually made it click for him was when I said that he has the luxury of never having to worry about laundry - he can put his clothes in the basket and never have to think 'oh, it's full, and needs washing', and he can walk right past the laundry basket everyday without even really noticing it. It's like he has a laundry maid/slave, and the entire chore doesn't even exist for him.

And then I said 'why don't I get a luxury like that?'. Basically, why does he get to have some chores he's not even aware of, and I don't.

I thought I'd used every idea possible in previous arguments to get him to do more, but he sympathised and promised to but never did. For some reason phrasing it like this really got to him, and he understands the idea of the mental load more.

It probably only works if you each have 'entire' jobs. So I now have laundry, washing up/tidying the kitchen, setting the dishwasher, and I generally tidy and run the hoover over key rooms regularly. He has full responsibility for all the bins, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms/toilets, and weekly 'proper' hoovering.

It's not perfect, but it's a lot better.

You don’t have to convince me - like I’ve said in my OP, he’s a lazy arse and it does annoy me.

But actually doing anything about it that doesn’t negatively impact on me or the kids is another matter.

Thanks, @ThePurpleOctopus, that is helpful. It’s tough going.

I also do wonder if it’s because I have the ‘job’ of laundry but then perhaps I don’t ever have to worry about the car tyres, or about the roof, so it’s possible things are more even than I think, although they often don’t feel it.

And you think growing up seeing their mother run ragged while their father sits on his lazy ass in front of the TV isn't going to be detrimental to your DC?

Less damaging than a divorce and broken home, certainly. But that’s my view: I’m not expecting you to share it and tried to make clear in my OP that this is not a ‘LTB’ situation.