Dh is so lazy - anyone else in this situation?

[Strawbales]

I need to make it clear here I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

We both work full time so no problems there. But day to day stuff like loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing and putting the laundry away, all falls on me. And about 80% of Dc related stuff.

So to take this morning as an example. I’m up at 6, get myself showered and ready, DC wake at 645, get them washed, dressed and bags in the car ready for nursery / work. Meanwhile, Dh is snoring away.

Now I could and probably should wake him but the thing is he doesn’t help. Like when he did wake he just rolled over and was sprawled out in the bed so I had to keep telling him to move as I’d put the baby’s socks there! Small things but he just adds to the rush.

If you ask him to do something specific he will but often not for long (so for instance please will you take kids to park so I can do some work - he will take them for thirty minutes then he’s back.)

Every so often he will do a big clean and then be really annoying about everyday mess like toys and so on but he doesn’t seem to see the thousand small things I do every day!

Starting to be a bit fed up.

tell him from now (insert potential solution here)

Don’t do this. Don’t dictate a solution to him. Have a discussion and come to a joint solution of your own. Going in telling him that from now it will be x and y and z or else is guaranteed to make things worse not better. Obviously, you can propose what about x or y or z? But don’t dictate as you need his buy in for anything to actually work long term.

If he gets up early with the children and takes them to nursery I’m not convinced he wouldn’t be asking me questions every two seconds and then something would be forgotten

Ok- so you could’ve generous and do an orientation for him. Write out the morning routine including where things are and times things need to be done. Go through it with him the evening before his first day doing it and if he asks you anything during the morning you repeat “it’s on the sheet”

Straw "It’s pointless though @DaisyNGO because unless I have no clean clothes for me or the children or don’t eat I still have the same amount of work to do!"

I know you do. But the point is, he will see that it actually takes work to get this done, it's not done by a magic fairy, then he might start doing his share.

I can see it's not a goer for you though, so I hope you get it sorted. I'd also be asking "why don't you have any wipes?" But that's me, you do you, obvs!

@Strawbales

I need to be at work at 8, I can’t be at the gym at 645.

Fine leave at 6 then. Start going shopping before work. Doesn’t matter what you do just leave him to do the morning routine.

If you start being pushy it will just cause friction - keep it breezy

Fuck that. He’s lazy. You don’t need to be breezy so as not to upset him. Tell him he’s making your life more difficult and that you didn’t sign up to do 80% of anything when you married and had kids with him. If he doesn’t want to end up divorced he needs to start pulling his weight.

Send him this article;

My wofe divorced me

I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

Are you asking how to motivate your DH to give up all the benefits of his chushy, lazy lifestyle, while guaranteeing in advance that there will be no consequences for him refusing to cooperate ?

That no matter how lazy he is, you will carry on regardless to do all the heavy lifting in your relationship allow him to continue as is?

Because I cannot imagine anything that would work in those circumstances. I'm not saying I think it's right, just that the 'red lines' you have set essentially work to prevent any change.

How do you feel about that?

@Strawbales

It’s pointless though *@DaisyNGO* because unless I have no clean clothes for me or the children or don’t eat I still have the same amount of work to do!

If he gets up early with the children and takes them to nursery I’m not convinced he wouldn’t be asking me questions every two seconds and then something would be forgotten.

So for example on Sunday he was a bit sulky as one of the kids had an accident on his jacket, there were no wipes as I hadn’t packed any but why is this solely my job? It’s annoying.

Honestly, turn off your phone. Or if you're feeling super kind, offer him a guide the first few times. And if he turns up at nursery and there's a problem, leave HIM to sort it. I do think it's worth getting out the house. So get up at your usual time if necessary, but once at the office take yourself for a coffee, or go for a walk or whatever. Or go for a run at 6:45 and just come back for a shower.

I know it's hard. But honestly, there's no incentive for him to put the effort in if you will just do it.

So for example on Sunday he was a bit sulky as one of the kids had an accident on his jacket, there were no wipes as I hadn’t packed any but why is this solely my job? It’s annoying

He was a bit sulky because his housekeeper/nanny had forgotten to do part of her job before swanning off on unofficial leave. He really does all it all as your job doesn’t he? Isn’t he embarrassed that as their dad he has no clue about taking wipes or a change of clothes when he takes them out? How old are they and has he ever spent a day in sole charge?

Do you do everything because you assume he's not competent enough or he's too forgetful/thoughtless/childlike etc etc.
So you never ask him to get up and bring the kids to nursery.
Maybe it's the same with the laundry that he'll do it wrong.

"If he gets up early with the children and takes them to nursery I’m not convinced he wouldn’t be asking me questions every two seconds and then something would be forgotten."

If this is your core belief about him then that's why you are doing everything. It's easier for you to have full control and do it 'right' than risk someone doing it in a way you don't like.

If you start getting him to take them to nursery a couple of days a week you might well see a change in his sense of responsibility. That may well follow through to looking after their clothes and food, bathtimes etc.

It isn’t about a way I don’t like.

But ultimately if a child goes to nursery without a change of clothes it will be the child who suffers if they are wet or dirty or uncomfortable. And that clearly isn’t fair just to make a point.

That’s why I can’t not do these things as I need clean clothes and so do the children, I need pots and pans and bowls.

It is probably easier to keep things as they are. It does frustrate me sometimes.

But ultimately if a child goes to nursery without a change of clothes it will be the child who suffers if they are wet or dirty or uncomfortable. And that clearly isn’t fair just to make a point.

How many times do you think he would let that happens after it happens the first time and is pointed out to him by nursery staff?

Sounds like you are being a martyr to be honest. He doesn’t do anything but you think he’s not capable anyway so you won’t tell him to/ask him. That’s probably why he doesn’t do anything, because you have always done it all your way. Nothing anyone here can say to help with that.

Wow, it all sounds so depressing, You are living with a man child and the only way forward that you see is leave the status quo as is, sounds batshit to me. Is this the type of relationship you hope your children will have, if not start showing them how it should be.

If you keep doing the same things you will always get the same result. Do you still have sex with this man, his total lack of respect would keep my legs firmly shut.

Just wanted to say you aren't alone. No advice, sorry. It's shit.

We have clear daily/weekly/monthly job allocations who likes/prefers doing what so it's fair.

I am in the process of leaving my DH for similar reasons. He isn't abusive and is pleasant to be around and makes me laugh, etc but since my DD was born over a year ago seems to have left me to do everything house and child related. I went back to work hoping for change but nothing has done. From the moment DD wakes up to sleeps I am responsible for everything. Believe me I have tried everything from talking to him about it, etc but he has this view it is my job and nothing to do with him. He might spend 10 - 15 minutes with her max a day playing with her but no more. I also do all house work. I realised there was no solution so have decided I would rather be without him that with someone who won't step up to the plate so to speak!

On this occasion, I would talk to him and ask him to wake up at 6 every other day so you can sleep till 7:00 or 7:30 if possible.

So he does a morning school/nursery run routine every other day and you have extra rest and sleep every other morning.

Not all men are like this you know. Your dh is choosing to be like this. He is choosing to have an easier life at the expense of making yours more difficult. This would make me pretty sad about my relationship and the attitude of my husband towards me. Maybe you're happy to accept it, lots of women are. Presumably he makes up for it in other ways?

Or as an option, say weekly.

Week 1 is your job to do it, week 2 is his.

I also once tried the "leave him to it" tactic where I announced I was going to have a shower and get dressed and left DD in his care for about 15 minutes. I came downstairs to her screaming with the TV on, she was in a dirty nappy and he was no where to be seen! He had decided he wanted to go out cycling and had left her alone. The final straw for me was when he argued it was no big deal since I was in the house. Who leaves a toddler unattended. I felt so lucky that she had not injured herself (she could have climbed on furniture, etc).

It’s rare that a lazy person changes so it won’t be easy getting him to change his behaviours.

Point out to him it goes against human nature for you to both mother him and be attracted to him?

Sorry op but having watched you bat back all the suggestions Im not feeling very patient

If you want this pathetic man child to sort it out then you will have to draw some hard lines. Including letting your children wear spare clothes at nursery if he forgets to pack them.

Either make him responsible and leave him to make mistakes and work them out or accept your quite enjoy being the martyr and keep babying your man child

Good luck

We are both a bit naturally lazy and follow the Fair play system - it's a book with a method of distributing all household tasks, every task is a "card" and the idea is that if you hold that card then you are completely responsible for conceiving, planning and executing all associated tasks. It's been absolutely game changing as it avoids the "I did it last time, it's your turn" arguments or waiting for the other person to "notice" things. The card holding isn't static so when you get fed up of doing something you can negotiate a trade (e.g. I'll do the bill paying for a bit if you take all the bins out). The problem with having to tell your partner what needs doing and when is you aren't freeing yourself from the mental load, but when each of you entirely takes responsibility for certain things from conception to execution then it completely frees the other person from having to think about it.

Ultimately though stop making excuses and start discussing with him how you want to change things, I wouldn't accept doing more work than my DH, it's supposed to be a partnership. Why should one person get so much more free time than the other?

Btw OP I certainly forgot things when I was raising small children. All parents do, even you. You’ve made mistakes, you’ve learned from them and you packed the bag better the next day. He will learn too. You need to let him. You only have a problem if he chooses not to learn and continues to let the child be in dirty or wet clothes at nursery. And at that point it’s clearly the end of the marriage- right?