Dh is so lazy - anyone else in this situation?

[Strawbales]

I need to make it clear here I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

We both work full time so no problems there. But day to day stuff like loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing and putting the laundry away, all falls on me. And about 80% of Dc related stuff.

So to take this morning as an example. I’m up at 6, get myself showered and ready, DC wake at 645, get them washed, dressed and bags in the car ready for nursery / work. Meanwhile, Dh is snoring away.

Now I could and probably should wake him but the thing is he doesn’t help. Like when he did wake he just rolled over and was sprawled out in the bed so I had to keep telling him to move as I’d put the baby’s socks there! Small things but he just adds to the rush.

If you ask him to do something specific he will but often not for long (so for instance please will you take kids to park so I can do some work - he will take them for thirty minutes then he’s back.)

Every so often he will do a big clean and then be really annoying about everyday mess like toys and so on but he doesn’t seem to see the thousand small things I do every day!

Starting to be a bit fed up.

Urgh these men are often professionals that hold down jobs and can organise themselves perfectly well in their roles. But suddenly can’t do anything without being asked in the home and for their own children.

The more you do the less he will. It sounds like you aren’t going to really speak to him about it and just carry on getting stressed and doing it all as it’s less hassle. Nothing will change. You will just become more resentful.

DH is naturally very lazy, and since being on medication to sort his heart rhythm out, he's slowed to almost a stop. I carry the full load at home and at work as we also work together. I've cajoled, I've shouted, I've screamed, I've cried. And he will change for a few days, then we're right back at square one.

A few months ago, I was feeling really run down and exhausted and I gave myself a good hard shake for being such a bloody martyr to it all. So I now do my own laundry, cook for myself, and do the housework that bothers me and no one else. I don't enable any of his laziness at all. And it has made a difference. He has to make an effort otherwise he gets nothing back. He mowed the lawns at the weekend and cleaned my car, in "exchange" for me washing and drying his clothes.

Just talk to him, work out what is a good way for you to share tasks.. share them all, individual specialisms, rotas etc. Mine is good at some things so he does them but lazy about others. I shout about those because he 'forgets' or I don't do something he cares about.
Write it down

I'm in exactly the same situation

The only thing that works for me is to get it into his routine. We seem to have fixed jobs I.e. he does the food shopping, I do all the ironing. It doesn't work if something just needs doing as he won't spot it/ ignore it then I have to do it.

After speaking with him, I said you need to empty and stack the dishwasher in the morning and he's agreed. Once it's in the routine, it generally seems to stick, but few prompts needed.

If he lived on his own, he'd live in a complete pit, I'm convinced

I'm also determined that my son pulls his weight, for any future DIL sake! And even DS gets frustrated with his Dad now for same reasons as me

I can’t sleep until 7, I have to be in work for 8. I think that this is one of the problems. I have to be up and out anyway, he doesn’t, so it naturally falls to me.

But there are so many things that naturally fall to me it’s led to a massive imbalance, so that’s difficult.

Solidarity to those in the same position.

The issue with these problems is, people prioritize different aspects of there daily lives.
For instance I'm quite happy to vac the house once a day, and the lounge at least 3 times a day. The lines in the carpets help me relax, the pile looking smooth and shiny also abates my OCD
Mrs HR has to have the glasses we've used gleaming, I wash up all the time, however she complains or nit picks.

I don't complain or nit pick, but she cannot help but point out how jobs would be better done how she likes.
Me, I say nothing and just do it.

I think some partners need to chill out and stop being so Intense and controlling over these issues. It's irritating for both parties..

So if he starts work later, can't you leave getting the dc to nursery to him?
Just sort yourself out and leave him to it!

@Colin56

Take the emotion out of it and turn it in to a 'to do list' sort of conversation. These are the things WE need to do every week - shopping, cleaning etc. How do you think we can do these best etc. A checklist and non personalised agreement each week/ day on these. If you start being pushy it will just cause friction - keep it breezy and practical. Also make sure to include some chill time too, after we do the floors lets watch netflicks with a beer etc. Everyone has different standards of helping/ cleaning so try to meet in the middle.

This is the best advice. ^ Perfect.

Give him a list to do (be specific)
This works with boys and men.
If expecting him to see what needs to be done - and just do doesn't work, a list will.
Working as a team helps enormously.

Arguing and trying to make him feel bad for not doing enough will just entrench his behaviour.

One thing I find works in extremis: If you have been trying to get your DH to do something specific for ages (eg prune a huge tree) and he keeps putting it off - just get the tools and get out there yourself. He will be straight out there with you.

Parents should be up when the kids are up unless parent is ill, they’re caring for a newborn or it’s their weekend lie in day. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t need to leave for work until later, he should be up when his DC wake up and should just muck in with what needs to be done for them- washing, dressing, breakfast, coats on, driving to nursery.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Parents should be up when the kids are up unless parent is ill, they’re caring for a newborn or it’s their weekend lie in day. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t need to leave for work until later, he should be up when his DC wake up and should just muck in with what needs to be done for them- washing, dressing, breakfast, coats on, driving to nursery.

Totally agree with this. Hard line is the only line when you have children (illness and shift work aside)

Get a cleaner

Stop doing his cooking and laundry, turn his alarm off and leave him in bed snoring, refuse to have sex with him because you don't fancy lazy selfish men.
But maybe don't take my advice I'm twice divorced, i specifically hate lazy idle men who don't pull their weight.

I’m not being intense or controlling at all. I don’t give two shits if there are toys in the lounge, a carpet that could use a hoover or a bath that looks like some lemon cleaner wouldn’t go amiss.

But some things can’t be left. You can’t not feed, dress or take your children to nursery / school, for example. So I do resent your painting this as my problem.

Hire a cleaner who also does the ironing, instruct husband he is doing nursery drop offs on x days and he needs to empty and reload the dishwasher if you cook. Simple, communication is the key here.

You can’t not feed, dress or take your children to nursery / school, for example.

Are you really saying he would forget or choose not to do these things?

@Strawbales
If you're a Facebook user, join the 'Bridging the Gap' group, I think you'll find it very useful!

@whattodo202000

I also once tried the "leave him to it" tactic where I announced I was going to have a shower and get dressed and left DD in his care for about 15 minutes. I came downstairs to her screaming with the TV on, she was in a dirty nappy and he was no where to be seen! He had decided he wanted to go out cycling and had left her alone. The final straw for me was when he argued it was no big deal since I was in the house. Who leaves a toddler unattended. I felt so lucky that she had not injured herself (she could have climbed on furniture, etc).

That’s awful @whattodo202000. So glad you’re leaving him.

Clearly if you come onto MN for advice and are moaning about partner....talk to him or leave the relationship if you are not happy

@Strawbales

It isn’t about a way I don’t like.

But ultimately if a child goes to nursery without a change of clothes it will be the child who suffers if they are wet or dirty or uncomfortable. And that clearly isn’t fair just to make a point.

That’s why I can’t not do these things as I need clean clothes and so do the children, I need pots and pans and bowls.

It is probably easier to keep things as they are. It does frustrate me sometimes.

They won't actually be left wet, dirty or uncomfortable though, will they? Nursery will either change them into spares or call your DH to go and fetch spares. If your DH never has to actually do the job and never has a chance to fail or make mistakes, he will never learn to do it well.

The poster who mentioned giving whole tasks is totally right. But then you have to step back and let him do the whole task, even if he fucks it up at first.

So lets say his jobs are ALL laundry and everything to do with nursery. He gets the kids ready in the mornings, takes them there and is the nursery contact.

So he fails to do the laundry. The kids have no clean clothes in their drawers. His morning is super stressful while he hunts around for something suitable for them. He has to put them in clothes too big/small, he's wearing a crumpled shirt and stained trousers to work. The nursery staff point out to him that the kids don't have a coat/wrong boots on.
He gets to work late, stressed, crumpled. He forgot to pack nappies. He's barely sat down at his desk when the nursery manager is on the phone telling him he needs to drop off spare nappies.

Do you think the following week he might do some laundry and set out clothes and nursery bags the night before? He will learn.

Meanwhile, your jobs are everything food related and doing the dishwasher. You leave the house early to go get a coffee and do an online food shop in a cafe before going to work. You did a quick wash of your own clothes earlier in the week so you know you've got something to wear.

Is he a visual person. Could you do a list/rota and map out all the tasks you do in a day for the kids and home.

Then ask to sit down and work out how to split them fairly.

It might jolt him when he sees it.

Sit down with him and allocate them out. And then if he doesnt do his do not rescue him. If it means kids are late or noone eats even. Dont save him. He needs to become an adult.

This man has a lovely lazy life that is built on his partner being run ragged doing all the chores and childcare. He knows this, his behaviour is deliberate and he does not care about how you feel. He is a misogynist who believes it is your lot in life to wait on him - the lazy king of the fucking house.

Nellie is right.

Giving him the entire task start to finish, he'll get on with it or deal with the consequences of not having done it.

Right now, he knows if he doesn't do it, you'll do it.
Zero consequences.

I'm it sure I have the solution op but yes my H is lazy and everything that needs doing at home is down to me. Even though I earn more money and work longer hours!

He takes no notice of me talking to him- apparently on his head he's always busy. Definitely not true but not a lot I can do to change that perception.

I don't do anything for him now - no wasting or ironing and I certainly don't sort stuff that he's lost/can't find etc. Hilarious last week when he had no undies and came to tell me about it.

So no solutions but yes get a cleaner as they're worth their weight in gold.

If you are genuinely suggesting that he would not bother to feed or dress your children or take them to nursery at all then that would be completely neglectful and I can’t see why you would stay with him.
It reads much more that he wouldn’t do it “right” and it’s just easier for you to do it. Which solves nothing.

If you don’t want to speak to him, don’t think he’ll change and don’t want to leave him, then you’ll just need to put up with it.

Personally if it was my DH I’d be sitting him down and saying this isn’t working, if it doesn’t get fixed our relationship isn’t going to last. You need to step up. But you don’t want to do that, so I’m not sure what to suggest.