Dh is so lazy - anyone else in this situation?

[Strawbales]

I need to make it clear here I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

We both work full time so no problems there. But day to day stuff like loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing and putting the laundry away, all falls on me. And about 80% of Dc related stuff.

So to take this morning as an example. I’m up at 6, get myself showered and ready, DC wake at 645, get them washed, dressed and bags in the car ready for nursery / work. Meanwhile, Dh is snoring away.

Now I could and probably should wake him but the thing is he doesn’t help. Like when he did wake he just rolled over and was sprawled out in the bed so I had to keep telling him to move as I’d put the baby’s socks there! Small things but he just adds to the rush.

If you ask him to do something specific he will but often not for long (so for instance please will you take kids to park so I can do some work - he will take them for thirty minutes then he’s back.)

Every so often he will do a big clean and then be really annoying about everyday mess like toys and so on but he doesn’t seem to see the thousand small things I do every day!

Starting to be a bit fed up.

You're right. It probably will make additional work/stress for you initially. He will likely try to push back to get his easy life back.

This very likely would not last longer than a week or two.
If you're game to try it, pick one thing to hand off to him completely. It would be ideal if that something affects him.

Yep, not so much lazy, but just didn’t get how hard it was. He now does two mornings a week ( sorts kids, lunches, gets them to school ) and I do three morning a week. We alternate weeks. I literally made a list of what needs to be done. He totally gets it now and doesn’t need a list anymore. The only thing he can’t do properly is do our little girls hair. She looks hilarious some days, but you have to choose your battles.
Be loud, allocate jobs, it sucks to be the initial nah but it’s made my life so much easier.

*nag

Oh, and if he was sleeping late on a school morning when he should of been up and helping, I used to send the kids in with a saucepan and wooden spoon. And I’d use all the hot water. Which is bitchy, but I was fed up. My hours are just as long as his.

My MIL had the same issue with her partner. She asked him to pay for a cleaner if he wasn’t going to help. Turns out he was fully capable of helping!

I'm in a similar situation. I've tried talking to him. He will do jobs when asked. Things improve for a week or a few days and I could probably live with his laziness but we have children. One together, a daughter and two sets of boys each. I decided recently I don't want my daughter thinking it's OK to put up with a lazy partner and it's not a standard for the boys to aspire to. Difficult as it is I found some self respect and started making plans to leave.
It isn't what I wanted for us but it isn't just about me. How do you feel about the example you're setting your children? Just curious.

@Strawbales

Op I understand you not being willing to allow your kids and yourself to suffer because your H doesn't know how to do things for your home or your kids e.g packing spare clothes for nursery etc.

But can I ask, how did you learn to do these things ?

Why can't your H learn the same way you did ?

I realise that you don't have any intention of leaving him over the fact that he's lazy, but I also recognise that your DC's are still very young.

Trust the more 'seasoned' mothers on MN when we say that the 'resentment' you're feeling right now will GROW.

Every year, another year where you've done all the parenting, the school uniforms, the drop off's and pick up's, the shopping, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the school parents evenings and school 'volunteering' to run a stall or organise costumes for Book Day, the appointments for the kids with the dentist and doctor, the days off work because the kids are ill, thought of and bought gifts for every birthday/anniversary.Xmas, the last minute rush to the shops for packed lunch stuff or a teachers gift at end of year, the finding of, organising, paying for and taking to and from every sports club, Brownies/Cubs, school clubs, swimming lesson, and also taking the kids friends when asked by other parents, the planning and organising of every birthday party for your kids and for every party your kids are invited to..............................on, and on, and on it goes !

Listen, and realise that the 'extra work' involved in making your H learn what needs to be done now at the beginning, WILL be worth the short term inconvenience, because the long term gain may very well save your marriage.

Trust the more 'seasoned' mothers on MN when we say that the 'resentment' you're feeling right now will GROW.

Definitely

It will also mean he has a poor relationship with his kids as they get older. The parental bond ISN'T built through Disney parenting, it's built through doing the hard yards!

My dd recently reconnected with my ex who didn't see her for several years. At one point I was worried/a bit jealous even as she was telling me the lovely fun things they were doing together that either my disability or ltd funds or both were things I couldn't do with her.

Eventually i voiced my hurt when emotions spilled over and dd thankfully reassured me that all the packed lunches, the nights spent caring for her when she was sick, the playing of board and card games, the long discussions about difficulties at school or falling out with friends, the swimming lessons, being "mums taxi", the evenings spent wallowing in chocolate and chick flicks after heartbreak were very much appreciated and not forgotten.

She is now at uni and we speak several times a week and she messages me CONSTANTLY like "gimme a break" loads

Her relationship with her dad is...friendly, but filled with tension and regret too.

He blames me - of course! But ultimately it was his decision not to make the effort to see or speak to her for several YEARS without any influence from me that way.

You reap what you sow and a couple needn't be separated for a parent to be effectively absent.

He is missing out on SO MUCH by not being actively present

Just accepting he isn't going to help is insane. He does this because it has become acceptable. You have to tell him you used to be OK with it but you are no longer willing to accept it because it is completely unfair and means he lies in while you do all the work. There is literally no way he can disagree with this. You tell him that from tomorrow onwards you take turns doing the morning shift. If you need to write him a list of what that entails, do so. I'd recommend you being out of the house for the first week during which he does his shifts . I guarantee he will work out how to do it. Good luck, this can change but you need to be explicit about how it must change and not make it your job to oversee how he does the morning shift.

No real advice, just to say I’m in a similar position. My DP is often oblivious to mess, and with me being a clean freak, I have learned to bite my tongue a lot of times. I wish she would do more mornings with the kids, but they’re not hers so she probably doesn’t see it as her job (although is more than happy to lay down the law with them when it suits her).

Yeah, it’s shit really, isn’t it?

Go on strike and see what happens.

I'd also employ a cleaner and insist that he takes his fair share of the rest of the load, e.g. if you do mornings then he does bath time etc.

I have a similar problem. The main problem is I have always worked fewer hours per week but, over the years, I have built these hours up so that, now, on average, I do about 10 hours less than him but we haven't managed to achieve a sensible division of chores. Add an elderly relative with dementia with increasing needs to the list and you get my drift.

Some times, things just don't get done because I am too tired or busy - like dinner, washing. I am physically or mentally not there so he simply has to pick up. About a month ago, I got caught up and he was phoning every 5 mins asking what was happening about dinner. I just told him to look in the fridge and sort something out and leave me alone.

More recently, I got caught up again and came home to a cooked meal. No phone calls, nothing. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way.

His argument has always been, he doesn't want to come home and start cooking. Neither do I. Neither does anyone. Nor have I ever wanted to cook with a child hanging off my leg, fighting with a sibling or having a meltdown over homework.

And, if he lived alone, he would have to get his own meals, do his own shopping, laundry - yet he expects one person to manage a whole household, which is quadruple the work so why does he expect to get to do nothing?

@Gandalf456

I have a similar problem. The main problem is I have always worked fewer hours per week but, over the years, I have built these hours up so that, now, on average, I do about 10 hours less than him but we haven't managed to achieve a sensible division of chores. Add an elderly relative with dementia with increasing needs to the list and you get my drift.

Some times, things just don't get done because I am too tired or busy - like dinner, washing. I am physically or mentally not there so he simply has to pick up. About a month ago, I got caught up and he was phoning every 5 mins asking what was happening about dinner. I just told him to look in the fridge and sort something out and leave me alone.

More recently, I got caught up again and came home to a cooked meal. No phone calls, nothing. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way.

His argument has always been, he doesn't want to come home and start cooking. Neither do I. Neither does anyone. Nor have I ever wanted to cook with a child hanging off my leg, fighting with a sibling or having a meltdown over homework.

And, if he lived alone, he would have to get his own meals, do his own shopping, laundry - yet he expects one person to manage a whole household, which is quadruple the work so why does he expect to get to do nothing?

😳😂😂 He doesn't want to come home and start cooking. Is he for real. 😳🤣🤣 In this house we both cook, every single meal is from scratch too. Music on, start cooking. If either one has had an excessive day the other takes up the slack and we swap.

I know. My fault. I have pandered to it. No more. I tell him what he is doing now.

OP,

You have two children so it sounds like his laziness has gone on for years and you have accepted it.

People will givevyou as much guff as you accept.

You have allowed him to never full participate in sharing the load, so he never has.

He's selfish and certainly cares about himself far more than he cares about you or your children.

If he did care, he would share the load, byt he doesn't.

You don't want to rock the boat, which is your choice, so this is your lot.

When you have children with a selfish waster, this is what you get, a man who will always do the least he can get away with.

You get what you accept in life.