Dh is so lazy - anyone else in this situation?

[Strawbales]

I need to make it clear here I’m not thinking of or wanting to leave but I am wondering what (if anything) to do here as Dh is so lazy.

We both work full time so no problems there. But day to day stuff like loading and emptying the dishwasher, doing and putting the laundry away, all falls on me. And about 80% of Dc related stuff.

So to take this morning as an example. I’m up at 6, get myself showered and ready, DC wake at 645, get them washed, dressed and bags in the car ready for nursery / work. Meanwhile, Dh is snoring away.

Now I could and probably should wake him but the thing is he doesn’t help. Like when he did wake he just rolled over and was sprawled out in the bed so I had to keep telling him to move as I’d put the baby’s socks there! Small things but he just adds to the rush.

If you ask him to do something specific he will but often not for long (so for instance please will you take kids to park so I can do some work - he will take them for thirty minutes then he’s back.)

Every so often he will do a big clean and then be really annoying about everyday mess like toys and so on but he doesn’t seem to see the thousand small things I do every day!

Starting to be a bit fed up.

WHY do you put up with this situation and allow it to continue?

You're the one who "rolls over" and ignores it.

@NellieBertram

Start going to the gym at 6.45 every morning. Wake him up with a cup of tea before you go then go from gym to work. He will have to work out how to get up and get the kids sorted before work.

do not wake him up with a cuppa ..wake him up with a large, uncomfortable nudge

I am not in that situation because I would not put up with a lazy arse partner like that, and neither should you.

Useless, sulky, lazy - what's to like? You're not his mother.

Not all men at like this, why do you think that's all you deserve in a partner? Find your boundaries and stand up for yourself. But I agree with pp, you have to let him get on with things his way, you don't get to micromanage when he does do stuff, you're not his manager either.

your dh is lazy but in addition, could you both have different standards ? me and my H do. He would live in a shit pit, I refuse to. I am super clean, super organised and tidy. Hence I do it all because he either cannot see the mess or doesn't care. I cannot stand the way he lives. It will be one of the factors that drives us apart.

@Strawbales

I can’t sleep until 7, I have to be in work for 8. I think that this is one of the problems. I have to be up and out anyway, he doesn’t, so it naturally falls to me.

But there are so many things that naturally fall to me it’s led to a massive imbalance, so that’s difficult.

Solidarity to those in the same position.

Why can’t he get the dc ready for nursery? There’s no way you should be doing everything. Have you actually told him it’s a massive problem? The mental load should not just be yours.

Yeah, I had that problem for a while. Things are a lot better now, though.

You need to stop expecting, and start telling him what you expect.
You need to rub his nose in it until something changes.
You need to make it all his problem, not your problem.
You need to shamelessly wear the trousers.

Or you can complain to us and wonder why nothing ever changes.

@fuckoffImcounting

This man has a lovely lazy life that is built on his partner being run ragged doing all the chores and childcare. He knows this, his behaviour is deliberate and he does not care about how you feel. He is a misogynist who believes it is your lot in life to wait on him - the lazy king of the fucking house.

This.

Funny how 9 times out of 10 it's lazy men who 'don't see dirt'. Of course they see it, they just don't think it's their job to do anything about it.

I agree with letting him deal with the consequences of a task, but realistically society doesn't help with this. I know full well if my child went to school without something it would be me they would be calling about it, not her dad, no matter how many times I add his number to the records

In a similar position but no kids. Like a PP said my OH just isn't as bothered as I am about cleaning. So we got a cleaner as part of the solution. I used to get really annoyed that he didn't take any of the mental load (and I still do sometimes get annoyed) but it didn't solve anything so now I just give him tasks to do. If he did complain I would remind him that he does less than me, and shoulders very little of the mental load. Every so often he'll mention something that's important to him (like a new shed) so I'll just leave that to him to sort as I'm not bothered when it doesn't happen .

We split mornings and bedtime, I do mornings while he sleeps till the last minuit but then he cooks dinner and does bedtime so i effectivly clock off after doing the dishes. It works well during the week but I def still do more on the weekend...

Have you tried having a very urgent early morning meeting where you leave at 6am and he has to do the morning stuff? You may be wanting to have such meetings at least once a week x

This is your fault. Very limited sympathies.

As others say, can you write out a weekly list of chores with a time allocation for each.

Ask him to agree to doing the children’s morning routine every other day, and other chores such that he is doing 50% of the workload.

Then just leave him to it. On his mornings get up, shower, leave the house and don’t answer your phone. His turn to cook? Do not respond to questions about where’s this or that, and can you just keep an eye on the pasta?

He will only learn if he’s left to get on with it and correct his own mistakes.

@ModMajGeneral

This is your fault. Very limited sympathies.

Sounds harsh but I agree. Why do women stay (and have kids) with men like this ?

@MoreStuffingMatron

As others say, can you write out a weekly list of chores with a time allocation for each.

Ask him to agree to doing the children’s morning routine every other day, and other chores such that he is doing 50% of the workload.

Then just leave him to it. On his mornings get up, shower, leave the house and don’t answer your phone. His turn to cook? Do not respond to questions about where’s this or that, and can you just keep an eye on the pasta?

He will only learn if he’s left to get on with it and correct his own mistakes.

Why should she make the list ? He lives there does he think the fairies make the clean clothes and meals appear ??

Why does he need to 'agree'

Just tell him it's his turn every other day to get the kids out in the morning.

This is part of the problem, men treated like children.

Don't forget OP you're modelling this for your kids.

Guaranteed not to have any effect and its a very infantile way to resolve issues

You think it’s infantile for women to stop skivvying for lazy men? Why might that be?

Infantile is a grown adult with children, who thinks it’s another persons job to feed them.

I honestly don’t know how you can get to this point with someone without exploding.

I just could not be with such a lazy person, happy to laze around and watch someone else do everything. Having so little respect for you.

@whattodo202000

I am in the process of leaving my DH for similar reasons. He isn't abusive and is pleasant to be around and makes me laugh, etc but since my DD was born over a year ago seems to have left me to do everything house and child related. I went back to work hoping for change but nothing has done. From the moment DD wakes up to sleeps I am responsible for everything. Believe me I have tried everything from talking to him about it, etc but he has this view it is my job and nothing to do with him. He might spend 10 - 15 minutes with her max a day playing with her but no more. I also do all house work. I realised there was no solution so have decided I would rather be without him that with someone who won't step up to the plate so to speak!

Absolutely the right thing to do. My DCs were older but my XH didn’t do anything with them ever. He worked most weekends and many evenings so had all his free time in the day when they were at school to go out cycling or meeting friends.

Once we spilt he had them at least once if not twice a week for an evening and even took them away on holiday once! I hardly knew what to do with all the free time . I’m sorry it’s come to that for you, as I know deep down as most of us do, that you wish he’d just step up and be the man you need him to be. But if he just won’t, then your life will be no harder without him in the mix.

People have given you solutions and you keep throwing up problems.

So either you want him to change, so he needs to learn or you don't, just get on with it 🤷‍♀️

Probably harsh, but flipping heck you can't have it both ways

Seriously - don’t write the list.

You are facilitating his laziness.

Stop. And tell him you are stopping. And start embarrassing him. And tell you DC what you are doing.

This man has a lovely lazy life that is built on his partner being run ragged doing all the chores and childcare. He knows this, his behaviour is deliberate and he does not care about how you feel. He is a misogynist who believes it is your lot in life to wait on him - the lazy king of the fucking house.

This. I should warn you that when you do eventually snap and leave, he will be surprised. He will probably scream and yell about how you didn't tell him. He might even promise to make some changes... and expect to be patted on the head for every (small) one he does.

But OP, you are refusing to see that you are enabling his behaviour. Don't get me wrong - he's a wanker and you are in the right. But either you seethe about it, accept it, or leave if you're not willing to live with the consequences of change.

You get up at 6 so you have 45 minutes to get ready before you start getting the kids ready. You think that you can't change anything because you have to go to work anyway. But of course that's not true. Get up at 6 and leave the house by 6:15 to go to the gym. At 7:15 you are getting yourself showered and dressed to be in work by 8. Meanwhile, he gets up at whatever time he thinks is necessary to get the kids and himself ready. Ensure this happens at least twice a week. If the kids go to nursery without clean clothes, when nursery calls you, you cal him and he must sort it. And if it happens repeatedly, you have to ask yourself why you would want to be with a man who has so little respect or care for your children that he can't learn these basic tasks.

Wake him up! Every other day one of you takes responsibility for getting the dc up, and ready for school. On the days it's not your turn you get to get ready in peace and get a bit of a lie in, on his, he gets his lie in. Honestly, shake him awake and tell him it's his turn to get up... if he doesn't get up leave the dc in their pj's, feed them but leave the kitchen in a mess.

Tell him he's responsible ...

Dh you are responsible for ensuring the changing bag is stocked with what you need before you go out

Dh you are responsible for making sure the dc have a change of clothes for nursery

Dh you are responsible for washing up and cleaning the kitchen after I've cooked

Dh you are responsible for the car and house insurances

Show him once if he really needs that amount of hand holding and then if he asks 'who do we insure the house with, or when is it due, tell him to look in the file or 'I don't know' is a good enough example

If he doesn't wash up, then he washes up when he gets home and there's nothing to eat for anyone as you've no clean pots to use (you can always make the dc something if needed)

If he doesn't supply the kids with clean clothes then he can deal with a bollocking from nursery or, like it happened before he ends up with shit on his coat

There are ways to step back, it just takes a bit of pushing to start with

But some things can’t be left. You can’t not feed, dress or take your children to nursery / school, for example

Things can be left, if it's your dh turn to get the kids ready and he refuses to get out of bed, feed the dc but do no more. Leave them in their pjs, don't wash up the breakfast things, or pack their bags or get their food ready or pack a change of clothes or make sure there are wipes. It's not the end of the world if they are late to nursery or school, and you dh will just have to be late to work. It'll only happen once (or maybe twice

My DH was (is still sometimes) like this. My advice is dont be a martyr, divvy up jobs, get a magnetic planner, stick it on the fridge and write EVERYTHING on it.
Decide together who does what and talk about it, I honestly dont think that half the time they even notice or think about half the things we do, it just doesnt cross their mind.
We have not by any means got it sorted, I still have to 'remind' him a lot about things he hasnt done but I would rather that than what I was doing before which was just hoping that he would notice my hard work, while I silently seethe and resent him.
Lots of men will just take the easy option. Just ask him if he thinks its fair that you get up with the kids while he lies in bed? if his answer is no, tell him he needs to do something about it.
Taking turns seems with stuff like bedtimes and getting up early seems petty but it keeps it fair and easy to manage.

Every morning when you wake open the bedroom windows as wide as they'll go and leave the room shutting the door behind you.
He'll soon get up.

I think the problem is what is a fairly mild irritation for me is obviously a really horrible issue for others, so on the one hand I’ve got people telling me that I should LTB and it’s my fault, and on the other I have ridiculously high standards!

I don’t: in fact I think he’d like the house to be tidier, I couldn’t give a rats ass to be honest so the cleaner isn’t a particularly good solution.

But a lot of the load of day to day stuff: laundry and general putting away and sorting DC falls to me. I don’t know if there is an answer, because I’m up early and I’m the one who therefore sorts kids out and I have to leave the house anyway so drop them at nursery so I’m the one nursery ring when they don’t have something!

It’s a pain in the arse and wrong really but seems not an unusual problem.