Parents with DPs - how much time do you get together?

[MoonbeamsGlittering]

We have two kids (aged 6 and 2) and both work full-time, so I know that I shouldn't expect to get lots of time together with all of that going on. However, I realised recently that we were probably only getting about 1 hour per week (split into 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there) when we were spending time together without the kids. My wife tends to go to bed (to go to sleep) at the same time as the kids and wants to sleep for 9 or 10 hours. It makes it very hard to get any time with her.

I've mentioned this and she has tried to have lunch with me once per week and maybe have a bit more time in the evening, but it seems like she feels that I am asking for a bit much. I realised that I don't know how much time other parents of young kids get to spend together. Any input is very welcome!

@rookiemere Yes, you're right that I like analysing and discussing things (hence all my replies on this thread) and she doesn't like it as much, so it might be good to have times when we're together but she knows that we won't be doing that kind of talking!

@bluesky45 Yes, it makes sense that she would need time on her own to recharge. I thought that I was an introvert but maybe I'm actually not so much, because I don't tend to find myself thinking that I need more time on my own (but then maybe I've generally had lots of time on my own because she just goes to bed, so I would never run short!)

There's a whole grey area in between, like "my husband is a decent guy, he's good with the kids, I don't dislike him, but I'm not that interested in having loads of time with him either." I'm wondering about starting a thread about that now

I'd call that being too exhausted to have any more to give! Pure and simple!

My DH needs to go to bed at 10 pm, and either the alarm or I wake him up at 8.30 am. He really does need that much sleep, and if he doesn't get it, he can't work the next day! We've been married 35 years, so it's nothing new. He was like that before I met him, he says.

Aren't you the poster who started the lack of sex thread?

We have 2 kids, 8-10 so they pretty much take care of themselves, our age groups have less work than yours.
However, one of the consequences of both working full-time is less time on the family and most importantly each other. Modern families have demented schedules which in my view kill the relationship.

Imagine meeting for the first time and giving your newly found love interest 20 mins to an hr a day. Or meeting them and they go to bed halfway through the date. Couples end up with relationships that are overflowing with commitments that do nothing to promote the relationship, all they do is put a strain on the union.
What's the point, there is none.
Take it from me the expectation and resentment will poison and is suffocating your marriage.
Been there bought that t-shirt, divorced, and now remarrying.

You're flogging a dead horse, running round in circles with the idea of 'Pleasing' your wife. It's exhausting reading your posts, can't imagine how utterly miserable your relationship is in real life.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 what do you suggest the OP does? I agree with your post about pressures on modern families but it’s not clear what your suggesting he do about it…

Their relationship is broken, only a complete reset of mind, lifestyles, schedules will sort it. Otherwise, this relationship is over and both parties have to separate-divorce.
Both parties are desperately unhappy, it's depressing reading it.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 Welcome back - yes, I would like more sex, but also more time together generally. Part of the issue with sex was that she was usually in a hurry there too, so if we had more time together in general then that could improve too.

I think your assessment is rather bleak. Can I ask the story of the breakdown of your former relationship? Also, you seem to be suggesting that we change our "lifestyle" to have more time together, but we have to look after our kids and we have to do our jobs. Are you saying that we should stop working full-time? That's easier said than done for people with mortgages and bills to pay!

You'll jack your job in for the school summer holidays but you won't take a day's leave to reconnect with your partner, or book a babysitter at weekends?

Day off together while the kids are in school/childcare? "NO."

Babysitter at the weekend? "NO"

Take over everything for a fortnight and let her properly recharge? "NO. I'm already doing that because 60% is the same as 100%."

Honestly @MoonbeamsGlittering I'm beginning to wonder if you even want to solve this.

You seem kind of rigid and inflexible about it. And not at all solutions-orientated.

I asked you what you want, and I don't think you answered,

So I have to draw my own conclusions.

It seems to me that you want your wife to sit with you in the evenings after the children go to bed - and nothing but that will do.

You're not even prepared to try anything else.

You're not prepared to work towards it, or come at it from another direction.

Or even look at it from your wife's point of view.

By your information that poor woman works, does chores and childcare and goes to bed. That's no life. Where's her exercise? Where are her friends and family? Where's fun?

This thread is all about you and what you want.

What does she want?

@PrincessNutNuts I didn't "jack in my job for the summer holidays" - it's complicated, and we're moving further towards me trying to explain all sorts of different things about my life in great detail. I mostly wanted to find out how much time other couples spent together. I want to spend more time together. It doesn't have to be in the evening. My wife has considerably more time away from jobs/kids/housework than I do, but spends a lot more time sleeping (or having gone to bed on her own at least) than I do. I guess she does that because she wants to. If she doesn't want to spend time with me then I guess she won't. I started the thread because she said that I was asking for something that most parents of young kids don't have (like more than a few hours per week together) and I wanted to check this.

@MoonbeamsGlittering I think your wife is probably overwhelmed, bored, or depressed (or all of these). She may also just need a lot of sleep, but if that’s the case then you need to work together to work out how to get create more time together.

Go out for lunch a few times a week. Take the odd afternoon off work and have afternoon sex. Does the 2 year old nap? Put the older DC in front of a film while the little one naps, and have some time together in another room chatting and enjoying a cup of tea together (if you’re not open to babysitters).

I do think previous posters are right though and it would be interesting to see if you did 100% of everything for 2 weeks, whether that would shift anything for her.

You’re not wrong to ask for more time with her, but it’s not reasonable for you to demand it to happen only on your terms

@Newnameagainagainagain I agree that she was overwhelmed and that's partly why I've tried to do more and more. I can ask her if she would like me to do even more than I'm doing now. In the past she has said no, because she does want some time with the kids, but I can ask again. I'm not demanding anything and I imagine that any extra time is more likely to be on her terms than mine.

I think if you put it to her that you’re happy to take on even more of the load because you miss her, and you'd rather do more jobs, parenting etc if it meant that you got to spend more time with her, then that might help. What I was meaning by it not being all on your terms is that the solution might not be her staying up later so you can spend time together in the evenings.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@PrincessNutNuts I didn't "jack in my job for the summer holidays" - it's complicated, and we're moving further towards me trying to explain all sorts of different things about my life in great detail. I mostly wanted to find out how much time other couples spent together. I want to spend more time together. It doesn't have to be in the evening. My wife has considerably more time away from jobs/kids/housework than I do, but spends a lot more time sleeping (or having gone to bed on her own at least) than I do. I guess she does that because she wants to. If she doesn't want to spend time with me then I guess she won't. I started the thread because she said that I was asking for something that most parents of young kids don't have (like more than a few hours per week together) and I wanted to check this.[/quote]
Well, when we had a 2 year old and a 6 year old we also had a 4 year old.

We had jobs with commutes so we didn't get home on weekdays until after 7 and then it was pretty much bedtime routine with the kids, eat and sleep.

We used to take the odd day off here and there, or farm them out for a few hours on the weekend and go for a country walk and a spot of lunch.

Which was why I suggested that approach to you.

And I remember that feeling of being absolutely shattered when the kids were small, because by the time I wasn't pregnant or breastfeeding there were three of them and I'd been promoted.

Which is why I suggested that you do more than "help out" with the children and the domestic responsibilities just for a couple of weeks to let your wife recharge.

But you dismiss every suggestion out of hand, and insist that your wife gets more down time than you, even though you know she needs a lot more sleep than you so presumably she's unconscious for most of it.

I'm quite happy with my reading comprehension skills - so when you say your wife works in an office a day or two a week and then you say you both work at home, and when you say you quit your job to cover summer holiday childcare, and then you say you didn't. I don't think that i'm mistaken. I think that there are big holes in your version of events.

@PrincessNutNuts I am sometimes trying to give brief summary answers to questions that are hugely broadening the scope of the thread. I'm here to hear about how things have been for other people (so thank you for your input) and I'm happy to hear suggestions (thanks again), but there may be reasons why some suggestions aren't workable for us, and sometimes it's quite time-consuming to explain every component of the difficulties in implementing some suggestions. I'm sorry if you find it frustrating. When you say that there are "big holes", I'm not sure if you think I'm deliberately trying to mislead people here or something. I'm not trying to mislead people and I don't see what I would have to gain by doing so.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@PrincessNutNuts I am sometimes trying to give brief summary answers to questions that are hugely broadening the scope of the thread. I'm here to hear about how things have been for other people (so thank you for your input) and I'm happy to hear suggestions (thanks again), but there may be reasons why some suggestions aren't workable for us, and sometimes it's quite time-consuming to explain every component of the difficulties in implementing some suggestions. I'm sorry if you find it frustrating. When you say that there are "big holes", I'm not sure if you think I'm deliberately trying to mislead people here or something. I'm not trying to mislead people and I don't see what I would have to gain by doing so.[/quote]
I don't either, but we call the big holes drip feeding around here.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Hrpuffnstuff1 Welcome back - yes, I would like more sex, but also more time together generally. Part of the issue with sex was that she was usually in a hurry there too, so if we had more time together in general then that could improve too.

I think your assessment is rather bleak. Can I ask the story of the breakdown of your former relationship? Also, you seem to be suggesting that we change our "lifestyle" to have more time together, but we have to look after our kids and we have to do our jobs. Are you saying that we should stop working full-time? That's easier said than done for people with mortgages and bills to pay![/quote]
The sticking point is both must be on the same page.
I wasn't with my ex-wife so I left.
She still works 55-70hrs per week, (Prioritizing career) still complains she's tired, fed-up, no-life, etc.

Mrs-HR is completely different, we're in agreement and self-aware that conflicts of interest do arise between work-family and relationships.
The marriage comes first everything else is secondary.

As for time together, we currently spend from 6 till bedtime together every day.
Sex 4-6 times per week, fluctuating between multiple times per day or daily.

@PrincessNutNuts I can see your point, but it wasn't intentional drip-feeding. I tried to keep the thread quite focussed on looking at how much time people spend together, but then also tried to answer questions around aspects of my relationship, but in a brief way. I understand that you didn't like my style of doing this.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I am happy for you. My wife and I are not as "on the same page" as you, but I don't think we're on totally different pages either; somewhere in between.

Is your 2 year old just gone 2? And how was your wife's pregnancy and birth. Is she still breastfeeding? Another possibility is she hasn't fully recovered from the pregnancy and birth. I did not feel totally myself for 2 years after my youngest and I have heard similar from other women. My births and pregnancies were straight forward too so goodness knows how I would have felt if id had complications. I was fully recovering while breastfeeding my children till youngest was 2 and it did take its toll. Maybe shes not yet fully over it yet.

Obviously I'm not expecting you to answer that on here and go into detail abput your wife's medical history, its just a thought for you to think about privately.

I sleep 10 hours a night, I love it, and feel the effect of I even have 9! I love my 10 hours.

Me and DH don’t spend much time together, but that’s due to our work schedules and having young kids.

I will admit I hate it when my husband asks if I want to watch a film with him, god it’s torture! No I don’t want to do that and would find it a chore if I’m honest. If he took me out for lunch, that I would like, but hanging about at home doing nothing is not my idea of fun or actually spending quality time together.

@Arren12

Is your 2 year old just gone 2? And how was your wife's pregnancy and birth. Is she still breastfeeding? Another possibility is she hasn't fully recovered from the pregnancy and birth. I did not feel totally myself for 2 years after my youngest and I have heard similar from other women. My births and pregnancies were straight forward too so goodness knows how I would have felt if id had complications. I was fully recovering while breastfeeding my children till youngest was 2 and it did take its toll. Maybe shes not yet fully over it yet.

This is a very good point. If I’m honest it took till my DC was 3.5 years before I felt sort of ok again. Pregnancy and breastfeeding can take a lot of out a woman!

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@PrincessNutNuts I can see your point, but it wasn't intentional drip-feeding. I tried to keep the thread quite focussed on looking at how much time people spend together, but then also tried to answer questions around aspects of my relationship, but in a brief way. I understand that you didn't like my style of doing this.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I am happy for you. My wife and I are not as "on the same page" as you, but I don't think we're on totally different pages either; somewhere in between.[/quote]
It's not that I don't like your style,

It's that "she goes into the office one or two days a week" and saying "we both work from home" in response to a comment that references her going into the office are contradictory.

As is saying you got through the summer holiday because you quit your job and then saying that you didn't, it's complicated.

I'm guessing if I suggest putting the kids to bed earlier that won't be possible either?

I would have to chase around the 2-year-old while also making my wife's food.

Your objections to every suggestion are ridiculous OP. This example above. Mothers do this kind of thing all day long - a basic chore with a 2 year old underfoot. I'm 100% sure your wife does it all the time. Why is it out of the question for you?

It's all very well to repeatedly ask "i want to find out how much time other couples spend together" but what do you plan to do with that information?

@Arren12 @Newnameagainagainagain Breastfeeding finished about 9 months ago, but I certainly take the point that she could still be recovering from spending about 4 years either pregnant or breastfeeding out of the last 7 years.

@Rainbowheart1 Thanks for your input. Maybe quite a few people out there do actually want 10 hours of sleep!

@PrincessNutNuts Until the last few weeks she worked from home all the time. Recently she has sometimes gone to the office once or twice a week. Last week she totally worked from home again. Trying to explain the exact detail just spirals into more and more posts like this one. If kids go to bed earlier then they will get up earlier - zero sum game.