Parents with DPs - how much time do you get together?

[MoonbeamsGlittering]

We have two kids (aged 6 and 2) and both work full-time, so I know that I shouldn't expect to get lots of time together with all of that going on. However, I realised recently that we were probably only getting about 1 hour per week (split into 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there) when we were spending time together without the kids. My wife tends to go to bed (to go to sleep) at the same time as the kids and wants to sleep for 9 or 10 hours. It makes it very hard to get any time with her.

I've mentioned this and she has tried to have lunch with me once per week and maybe have a bit more time in the evening, but it seems like she feels that I am asking for a bit much. I realised that I don't know how much time other parents of young kids get to spend together. Any input is very welcome!

Hi OP, I need much more sleep than my DH does but always try to have some quality time with him. Saturday is our night where I stay up later and we spend time together in the evening once the children are in bed. In the evenings we might have a quick cup of tea together before I go to sleep but I still get to bed early. Could having one or two nights a week where your wife stays up later work for you? Hope you can find a comprimise too!

@RantyAunty @NeonShortsInWinter I can try listing out a typical weekday:

5am or 5.30am through to 6.30am: one or both kids wakes up; I take them downstairs and feed them and keep them as quiet as I can while DW sleeps/rests;

6.30am DW comes down and makes breakfast for herself and kids while I keep looking after kids;

6.45am DW sits with kids and they all have breakfast while I use bathroom/brush teeth/eat/rest/do a bit of work

7.30am I take kids again and get them dressed and get school stuff ready; DW has an hour for shower/clothes/rest.

8.30am One of us takes kids to school and nursery which takes an hour due to late nursery start time. I do 3 or 4 drop-offs per week out of 5. Other parent starts work.

9.30am Drop-off parent starts work.

4.45pm One of us goes to collect kids (3/5 me) while other one makes dinner.

5.15pm We all eat dinner together.

5.45pm I load dishwasher, wash pots etc, tidy up kitchen. DW watches kids.

6pm DW goes to rest for an hour. I play with kids, give them a bit more food, brush their teeth.

7pm DW takes younger kid; I wash and brush teeth and take rubbish out if needed and tidy up living room.

7.20pm We take one kid each to calm them down, read books, get them to bed.

8pm Both kids normally in bed around now. Wife goes straight to bed. Maybe 1 night a week she says she'd like sex; 2 nights a week we have a 15-minute chat; 4 nights a week she just goes to sleep or just relaxes on her own first.

During the night: I deal with 95% of kid wake-ups. Otherwise I try to get enough sleep and have a bit of leisure time somewhere in there (like I'm having as I write this.)

@Dery I count myself as a feminist too. It wasn't me who said "feminist nutcase" earlier. I did a whole other thread about sexual intimacy; suffice to say that I try to focus on her there and she enjoys what we do but doesn't want it to take too much time either.

I need a lot more sleep than DH so I do sympathise with that - but 8pm is really early, especially if she isn’t getting up until 6.30am!

I probably have an hour each evening with DH. We have a tween who doesn’t go to bed til 8.45/9pm, and then that is her time to share her angst with me! So maybe I get downstairs at 9.30, an hour together, then bed at 10.30

@user1471600850 @billy1966 @cadentiasidera Thank you - I am trying to be a good partner and I want to help if there is something to help with. I think if I asked about the GP she would take it as me trying to find a way to push for more time, and I really don't want to seem pushy. Maybe at some point a chance will come up to mention it gently but I'm not sure.

We probably had more time together when our kids were the age of your little ones because they went to bed earlier! So downstairs by 8pm, bed for me at 10pm

@Isolateykatey @LeekPeachPlum Thanks - I don't know for sure what she does (I mostly sleep on the couch because it seems easier with our different schedules - I don't mean that to sound really bad!) but I believe that she sleeps a lot. I think she's considering having another night when we might have half an hour together. Maybe it needs to be a slow process if it is going to change.

So she heads to bed at 8pm does no night wakings with the children and sleeps in until 6.30am. Sorry but if you were the wife talking about her husband it would be kicking off on here. She also gets that hour to herself which let's face it is the witching hour.

As children get older they go to bed later, so what is her solution then? This has future marriage breakdown written all over it. You don't spend any time together.

It is not normal to need to go to bed at 8pm for an adult who isn't on any sort of shift working pattern. I think you need to sit down and talk. She should be investing time into the relationship which means spending time with your partner or spouse.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@RantyAunty* @NeonShortsInWinter* I can try listing out a typical weekday:

5am or 5.30am through to 6.30am: one or both kids wakes up; I take them downstairs and feed them and keep them as quiet as I can while DW sleeps/rests;

6.30am DW comes down and makes breakfast for herself and kids while I keep looking after kids;

6.45am DW sits with kids and they all have breakfast while I use bathroom/brush teeth/eat/rest/do a bit of work

7.30am I take kids again and get them dressed and get school stuff ready; DW has an hour for shower/clothes/rest.

8.30am One of us takes kids to school and nursery which takes an hour due to late nursery start time. I do 3 or 4 drop-offs per week out of 5. Other parent starts work.

9.30am Drop-off parent starts work.

4.45pm One of us goes to collect kids (3/5 me) while other one makes dinner.

5.15pm We all eat dinner together.

5.45pm I load dishwasher, wash pots etc, tidy up kitchen. DW watches kids.

6pm DW goes to rest for an hour. I play with kids, give them a bit more food, brush their teeth.

7pm DW takes younger kid; I wash and brush teeth and take rubbish out if needed and tidy up living room.

7.20pm We take one kid each to calm them down, read books, get them to bed.

8pm Both kids normally in bed around now. Wife goes straight to bed. Maybe 1 night a week she says she'd like sex; 2 nights a week we have a 15-minute chat; 4 nights a week she just goes to sleep or just relaxes on her own first.

During the night: I deal with 95% of kid wake-ups. Otherwise I try to get enough sleep and have a bit of leisure time somewhere in there (like I'm having as I write this.)[/quote]
No cleaning, laundry or food shopping happens all week?

How does the weekend routine go?

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@Isolateykatey* @LeekPeachPlum* Thanks - I don't know for sure what she does (I mostly sleep on the couch because it seems easier with our different schedules - I don't mean that to sound really bad!) but I believe that she sleeps a lot. I think she's considering having another night when we might have half an hour together. Maybe it needs to be a slow process if it is going to change.[/quote]
I'm sorry op but she might not even be sleeping then ,she might just be reading or on her phone on her own instead of spending time with you . Get back in your bed op stop sleeping on the couch there's no reason for it my sleep schedule is different to my DH S but we still sleep in the bed together

OP you're getting a hard time from me cos you're not mentioning how the laundry (sorting , washing, drying, sorting, folding, putting away - this is hours of work every week for 4 people), shopping, meal planning, daily tidying, school uniforms, kids' grooming and baths, school and life admin, toilet cleaning (needs doing more than once a week with 4 ppl) gets done. That suggests you are oblivious to it which suggests your wife's doing it and she may not have any mental or physical energy left over at the end of the day.
In my own experience, me and my partner would spend at least an hour together every day after the kids were in bed, but he also did about 50% of the parenting and household work.
I know the bar is low for men but there is so much more to parenting than getting up with them and feeding them and school dropoffs.

First off, I think you should sleep in the bed! Great for quiet time together.

Our baby is only 9 months old and her schedule is always evolving but I would say it breaks out like this:
Time together when she goes to sleep (6:30-7ish, though she sometimes wakes back up)
Date night every 1-2 weeks (we are fortunate to have involved grandparents)
Quiet time when she naps on the weekend (sometimes we do family nap)
She'll soon be going to daycare and I suspect we'll have lunch together those days as well (2 days)
We spend 90% of our leisure time together, sometimes with her and/or our extended families.
I think you really have to look for opportunities to be together! We could easily go our separate ways at night and play on the phone, but you're not going to have fond memories of doing that!
We have a cleaner too and that helps.

"It is not normal to need to go to bed at 8pm for an adult who isn't on any sort of shift working pattern. I think you need to sit down and talk. She should be investing time into the relationship which means spending time with your partner or spouse."

This. I really don't think you need to produce any more of your schedule to demonstrate when the cleaning is happening or what you're doing at weekends. It seems pretty clear that you are pulling your weight.

It is bad news that you're on the couch. It would be different if you and she were finding time for lots of emotional and physical intimacy but the whole point of this post is that you're not and this must be exacerbating your sense of disconnection. Like @Tittyfilarious81, my DH and I have different sleep schedules but we still sleep in the same bed.

But the problem is bigger than that. Based on your schedule, your wife goes to bed at 8 p.m. and doesn't get up till 6.30 a.m. Based on my quick google research from earlier - that is an unhealthy amount of time to be sleeping (assuming she is sleeping - as a PP said, perhaps she's reading or on her phone or sth). And you suggest that she has further rest periods during the day.

Something is wrong here and if this has always been her pattern then something has always been wrong and it must be having a very serious impact on your relationship. Your wife doesn't seem to have considered seeking medical help or otherwise trying to address the tiredness and she has tried to fob you off by saying this is normal and all couples of young children are having a similar experience of parenting but that's not true.

It sounds like you have some difficult conversations ahead. Good luck, OP.

@Grimsknee

OP you're getting a hard time from me cos you're not mentioning how the laundry (sorting , washing, drying, sorting, folding, putting away - this is hours of work every week for 4 people), shopping, meal planning, daily tidying, school uniforms, kids' grooming and baths, school and life admin, toilet cleaning (needs doing more than once a week with 4 ppl) gets done. That suggests you are oblivious to it which suggests your wife's doing it and she may not have any mental or physical energy left over at the end of the day. In my own experience, me and my partner would spend at least an hour together every day after the kids were in bed, but he also did about 50% of the parenting and household work. I know the bar is low for men but there is so much more to parenting than getting up with them and feeding them and school dropoffs.

This is similar to my assessment.

I think the OP does about 60% of the things he does.

His wife does 40% of the things he does.

And everything else.

@MoonbeamsGlittering I don't understand why you are being attacked here. You seem like a good partner.

I think she needs to rethink her expectations - we'd all like 9 or 10 hours sleep per night, but for most people with kids that doesn't happen!

We probably get an 2 hours a night together when the baby is asleep, then I go up to bed and watch tv to wind down while DH plays PlayStation.

Just a question - do either of you do jobs/admin while watching the kids? If they can play happily for half hour (under your watch) you could get the food shop (online), bills paid, dusting done at the same time? If you both did this it would free up some time overall?

OP isn't being attacked, he's just being asked (repeatedly, because he doesn't answer) who in this household, where the mother of 2 young children allegedly spends 3 hours a day in bed and the father "invites her to let him" spend time with his children, does the laundry, shopping, planning, thinking, and other invisible but essential work.

@Grimsknee

OP you're getting a hard time from me cos you're not mentioning how the laundry (sorting , washing, drying, sorting, folding, putting away - this is hours of work every week for 4 people), shopping, meal planning, daily tidying, school uniforms, kids' grooming and baths, school and life admin, toilet cleaning (needs doing more than once a week with 4 ppl) gets done. That suggests you are oblivious to it which suggests your wife's doing it and she may not have any mental or physical energy left over at the end of the day. In my own experience, me and my partner would spend at least an hour together every day after the kids were in bed, but he also did about 50% of the parenting and household work. I know the bar is low for men but there is so much more to parenting than getting up with them and feeding them and school dropoffs.

Well his wife clearly isn't doing it when she's sleeping. Maybe the OP does all that after his wife has gone to bed, or before she gets up in the morning?

Does it even matter though? The chores must be getting done, as she's able to go to bed at 8pm. As a couple they've completed it all by 8pm. He's not sat on his arse doing nothing at any point during the day. So even if she is doing all those tasks, she can't possibly be doing more than half of everything, otherwise she'd still be doing them and wouldn't have time to sleep 10.5hrs a night.

And I think the OP said they have a cleaner in weekly too.

@PrincessNutNuts Would it be equally fair for the OP have 2 weeks off and let his wife see how much he's actually doing? It sounds like he deserves a break more than she does anyway.

Jeez. What an ABSOLUTE MARE you two are making of child-rearing!!

I don't know where to begin!

Mine are now 14 and 17YO, but we both worked almost full-time when they were really young. But in hindsight it was great - no recollections of the sheer exhaustion you're alluding to.

Well. Until recently I have been a sahm so it's not quite the same BUT I have always hung on like grim death to evening couple time. It's really important.

The kids have to be in their rooms by 7:30. If DS isn't sleepy he can entertain himself and be tucked in later.

So yes we have about 3 hours every evening during which we eat dinner together (we like curry, the kids don't) and hang out. I make this happen.

The kids are 5 and nearly 2.

@Grimsknee @PrincessNutNuts We both do laundry, shopping, baths, tidying. As PP said, some can be done while watching kids - especially the laundry part. I do school uniforms and school admin. She does meal planning. I gave specific time figures to Grimsknee earlier. If you're still convinced that I'm oblivious then I'm not sure I'll ever convince you.

@ColdMama Yes, we get some things done while watching kids.

@Ticksallboxes Happy to listen to tips! If you don't know where to start then maybe list out the top three things you think we should do differently.

We have four, youngest two are the same ages as yours. They go to bed by 8, teenagers are in separate rooms (usually) and we each shower, finish anything we have to do and then sit down together until around 10. We often don’t have the energy to do much by this time but we watch box sets together which still feels more connected than each doing our own thing.

I have been through stages where I just can’t get enough sleep and am knackered even after 9 hours in bed and there was no real reason for it, usually just mental exhaustion I think from having to think about everyone else’s needs/schedules etc and not getting time for myself. It sounds as though your wife is getting this though.

@Dery and others: it feels like I'm coming out with 3 options from this thread:

1. Without realising it, I'm actually a stereotypical oblivious male who has no idea what's involved in running a house, and it's probably me who falls asleep at 8pm while my wife secretly flies around the house cleaning and folding laundry like an invisible fairy;

2. There's some kind of undiagnosed medical condition involved here, or possibly she just really needs 9/10 hours of sleep per night;

3. She doesn't really want to spend more than a couple of hours a week with me.

None of these sound very promising. Quite disturbing actually when I look at it like that. I thought that this thread might get a range of "time together" responses but actually it's remarkably consistent. Nobody has come along yet to say that they are like me/us. Is it really that rare?

@Tittyfilarious81 @BookFiend4Life If you're on different sleep schedules, does the later sleeper get disturbed when the other gets up? If I go to bed with my wife at 8pm/9pm then I wake up at 3am/4am and try to creep downstairs without waking up her or the kids. If I wake up DC2 at 4am then I'm just making further work for myself! Or, if I stay up and come to bed at 10pm/11pm then I'll disturb DW at that point.

@Moomarre When you were still knackered even after 9 hours, from mental exhaustion, were you doing more than your fair share? Was your partner equally knackered? Sometimes I get told that "all mothers are knackered", presumably implying that they always do more and fathers are not knackered, so I thought I would try to reverse this in my relationship (but I'm not sure it's working.)

@MoonbeamsGlittering, why are you choosing to sleep on the couch? That doesn't seem healthy on any level.

About six months ago I was needing 9-10 hours sleep a night. I can see now that it was a symptom of full blown burnout from lockdown/homeschooling while working ft in my self employed business.
More and more and more sleep just wasn’t helping even though I felt it was what I needed.
Anyway, long story short but time, rest (not sleep), reducing stress, gentle yoga, iron supplements better nutrition and hydration and I’m now waking after 8 hours with a lot more energy.

To answer your first question my dh and I always do or watch something 9pm-10pm every night. I go to bed at 10 for an hour of reading, he stays up till midnight. He still wakes first in the morning.