Parents with DPs - how much time do you get together?

[MoonbeamsGlittering]

We have two kids (aged 6 and 2) and both work full-time, so I know that I shouldn't expect to get lots of time together with all of that going on. However, I realised recently that we were probably only getting about 1 hour per week (split into 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there) when we were spending time together without the kids. My wife tends to go to bed (to go to sleep) at the same time as the kids and wants to sleep for 9 or 10 hours. It makes it very hard to get any time with her.

I've mentioned this and she has tried to have lunch with me once per week and maybe have a bit more time in the evening, but it seems like she feels that I am asking for a bit much. I realised that I don't know how much time other parents of young kids get to spend together. Any input is very welcome!

Blimey, you sound like a great husband in terms of pulling your weight. Although I'd also agree with the post about all the little organisational things with the kids and multi tasking. My husband will get up with the kids occasionally but tends to then sit on his phone and not chivvy them to get out of the door with everything they need (ours are teens now so a bit different).

We have different sleeping hours, I'm a lark and (much to my annoyance) can't sleep in beyond 6.30. He's the opposite, stays up later but can happily lie in (I'm jealous, he's still asleep!). But even with small kids, we tried to have some time together. We tend to go to bed to watch tv by 8.30-9, I fall asleep by 10.30-11 at which point he gleefully puts his crap car restoration programmes on. We don't ever manage time together in the mornings as I'm usually up but he isn't. No judgment, he works hard and is tired.

I think 8pm is somewhat unreasonable as a bed time though appreciate your wife is clearly tired. I'm very anaemic and that can be link to tiredness so perhaps worth checking that out. It sounds as if 8-10pm could be a good plan, doesn't have to be full on couples time but just in each other's company.

@MoonbeamsGlittering no it doesn't disturb the other so long as you are quiet you don't really notice it's just the same as if 1 of you gets up in the night to use the toilet

@museumum Did you still have an hour with DH even when you needed 9/10 hours sleep? I can't see where to fit that in with us.

@museumum @jjj321 Maybe I can gently suggest iron supplements somehow.

@Fireflygal @Tittyfilarious81 My wife says that I do disturb her when I get up, and also that I'm sometimes a bit restless in bed when I'm actually sleeping. Our couch is actually surprisingly comfortable. Of all the issues I'd like to resolve, sleeping on the couch is way down the list!

Honestly op I think you need a honest sit down conversation with your wife.

I'm a light sleeper so yes dh does wake me if he comes to bed later but thats fine, its his bed and he's my husband so I like to share it with him. We normally go to bed at the sane time anyway. By the sounds of it your wife would prefer you never to sleep in bed. It does sound like she's avoiding you.

Your relationship sounds so lonely.

You have listed the 3 things it could be but it really doesn't matter unless you wife is willing to discuss and work on them.

It also doesn't matter what other couples do. You have had clear results from your op but its what you are both comfortable and happy with in your relationship regardless. Your not happy so this needs to change and a compromise be found. If this is not possible then you each need to decide if you'd be better apart. Life is way too short to live in misery. Of course relationships dwindle with kids and it gets harder to spend time together but its normal for both partners to make some effort even if in very small ways, because if they don't then whats the point in being together. Relationships are about wanting to make each other happy.

Did she always have 9/10 hours sleep before the kids ?

Could you not 'do' lunch when you both wfh ?

I think you sound like a saint.

If a woman described her husband as taking this much downtime the responses would be clear.

You are consistently being kind about your wife despite what appears to be a massive disparity on the loads.

Mental load is harder to quantify but still

Could she be having an affair? Is she actually sleeping from 8pm each night ? Does she ever go out with friends or elsewhere other than work?

OP has trouble getting his story straight imo.

@Arren12 I agree that we need to talk about it. I was trying earlier this week, and we did spend a bit more time together, but then she said that I was trying to talk about it too much. She said she might be a bit less busy with work in January. If we can't reach a compromise then it's hard to see what we would do. Surely it's not enough of a reason to break up, especially with kids involved?

@notapizzaeater She used to need 8 hours in the week and more at weekends, so always more than average, but it seemed to have grown. We're starting to have lunch maybe once a week but she says she's too busy with work to do more than that.

@FigureofEight She goes out occasionally during the day but not at night, unless she's sneaking out the window! I don't have any reason to suspect an affair.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]**@Tittyfilarious81* @BookFiend4Life* If you're on different sleep schedules, does the later sleeper get disturbed when the other gets up? If I go to bed with my wife at 8pm/9pm then I wake up at 3am/4am and try to creep downstairs without waking up her or the kids. If I wake up DC2 at 4am then I'm just making further work for myself! Or, if I stay up and come to bed at 10pm/11pm then I'll disturb DW at that point.

@Moomarre When you were still knackered even after 9 hours, from mental exhaustion, were you doing more than your fair share? Was your partner equally knackered? Sometimes I get told that "all mothers are knackered", presumably implying that they always do more and fathers are not knackered, so I thought I would try to reverse this in my relationship (but I'm not sure it's working.)[/quote]
I wouldn’t say I was doing more than my fair share exactly because we both had similar amounts of downtime. The difference was that what dp was doing was more distinct tasks (mostly outside of the home) and he was able to do them alone whereas I was doing what I was doing at the same time as looking after a baby and a preschooler. Also he was only having to take himself into consideration whereas I was having to take care of 4 kids as well as myself. If he had an hour free he could say “I’m going to the gym” or “I’m going for a haircut” and just go, for me my free time was still at home with the kids and if I wanted to go anywhere alone (even to the doctor or optician) it had to be pre arranged and childcare arranged because the assumption was that the children were my responsibility. Even when he took over taking dc to football training for example it was still my responsibility to make sure kit was washed in time, dinner ready in time, dc were ready with everything that they needed etc. It’s hard to quantify but I would say that more of the mental load to do with the home and family was mine (although of course he had his own mental load to do with work that I had nothing to do with so…)

To answer your question about sleep schedules, dp gets up at 5 for work, I get up at 6 with dc. His alarm does disturb me and I hear him moving about but I’m either able to doze off again or I just get on with the day. I’ve managed to reframe it so I see the time without dc awake as a positive and a chance to get a head start on the day rather than making him the enemy for disturbing my sleep. We usually go to bed together around 10 but sometimes he goes earlier. He says he doesn’t sleep properly until I come to bed but is dozing. He sleeps right through until his alarm, I’m usually up at least once with dc4. He’s also brilliant at grabbing naps where he can and often sleeps for an hour during the day if he gets the chance. I don’t nap.

Have you addressed weekends yet?

What happens at weekends in your house, and why aren't you spending time together, then?

There's got to be a solid chunk of time during waking hours at weekends that you can get a babysitter and spend time together?

@MoonbeamsGlittering

OP, we used to manage about 2 hours per evening but since I became pregnant with DC2, I end up going to bed with DC1. I thought after the first trimester was over, I would get my energy back, but this pregnancy has taken it out of me and I need far more sleep. Your wife isn’t unknowingly pregnant ?

^ sorry, wrong thread

Sorry I skim read the thread , but perhaps you start with one evening a week where she stays up until 9. TBH with 2 DC and working sounds like she prioritises sleep over spending time with you , and I get that - I like sleeping too.

I think you summed it up accurately, unfortunately.

@Moomarre Thank you for the details - it's interesting to read how other people do things.

@PrincessNutNuts We mostly take turns with the kids (I try to take longer turns) and we do some things all together. Not sure about babysitting because I'm still quite Covid-cautious.

@Redcart21 Don't think she's pregnant, but that's an angle I hadn't really looked at!

@rookiemere Yes, that could work, and you're right that I think she actually enjoys sleeping quite a lot, whereas I see it as an unfortunate necessity!

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Moomarre Thank you for the details - it's interesting to read how other people do things.

@PrincessNutNuts We mostly take turns with the kids (I try to take longer turns) and we do some things all together. Not sure about babysitting because I'm still quite Covid-cautious.

@Redcart21 Don't think she's pregnant, but that's an angle I hadn't really looked at!

@rookiemere Yes, that could work, and you're right that I think she actually enjoys sleeping quite a lot, whereas I see it as an unfortunate necessity![/quote]
Don't the children go to school and nursery and your wife goes to work in an office?

Coming into contact with dozens of people?

Versus 1 babysitter?

Fair enough if you don't want to do it, but it adds one contact to your familiy's dozens of contacts over the week.

@PrincessNutNuts We both work from home. Let's not turn this into a Covid debate thread. It's possible that we could look at getting a babysitter, but we're both reluctant.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@PrincessNutNuts We both work from home. Let's not turn this into a Covid debate thread. It's possible that we could look at getting a babysitter, but we're both reluctant.[/quote]
I'm sorry, I thought you said she went into the office once or twice a week.

Obviously it's totally up to you, like I said.

But if a cleaner, the office, school, nursery, (The gym? Shops? Visiting family and friends?) is all fine with you, but adding one extra contact a week in order to solve the problem you've posted about - isn't.

Then maybe you're throwing obstacles in your own path here?

If spending time with your wife at weekends is not what you want then what solution will you be happy with?

What is it you want?

I do want time with her, but I'm reluctant to get a babysitter in. I'm not sure that the 2-year-old would be OK with it, plus having someone breathing all over the house is different from most other exposures. The cleaner does regular testing through an agency. I'm not sure whether a babysitter would. Babysitting might be an idea for the future, but I think not yet unfortunately.

I do want to spend time with my wife. It sounds like I probably need to talk with her more about whether she wants to spend more time with me, or whether going to bed at 8pm is partly just about preferring to spend time alone.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

I do want time with her, but I'm reluctant to get a babysitter in. I'm not sure that the 2-year-old would be OK with it, plus having someone breathing all over the house is different from most other exposures. The cleaner does regular testing through an agency. I'm not sure whether a babysitter would. Babysitting might be an idea for the future, but I think not yet unfortunately.

I do want to spend time with my wife. It sounds like I probably need to talk with her more about whether she wants to spend more time with me, or whether going to bed at 8pm is partly just about preferring to spend time alone.

That's why I suggested taking everything off her plate and letting her recharge for a couple of weeks.

You might find out that if she's well-rested she's a different woman? How was she on Mat leave with the babies?

But, back to solutions...

What about taking a day's leave to spend together while the children are at school and nursery then? (If neither of you have any supportive friends or family who can take the kids at the weekends and you don't want to employ someone.)

Just to add onto the babysitter idea, if the 2 year old is at nursery it’s worth asking there if any of the staff offer babysitting. Lots do, and then it wouldn’t be a new contact (both in terms of Covid and leaving your children with someone they don’t know). I won’t leave my 2 year old with many people so I understand if it’s not something you want to do but just thought it was worth mentioning.

@Moomarre

Just to add onto the babysitter idea, if the 2 year old is at nursery it’s worth asking there if any of the staff offer babysitting. Lots do, and then it wouldn’t be a new contact (both in terms of Covid and leaving your children with someone they don’t know). I won’t leave my 2 year old with many people so I understand if it’s not something you want to do but just thought it was worth mentioning.

That's an excellent idea.

I know I'm seen as one of those unpleasant feminists who won't simply tell the OP "I spend 2 hours a day with my husband" so that OP can show his wife that other women agree with him. But here it is, my 2c is that I think having a conversation with her about whether you are, or how you might better, share the load of running the household, might get you the result you want.
OP from the way you describe looking after children ("inviting her to let me" take them, what on earth does that mean) and how you don't seem to have much cognisance of what gets done in your home (the utter lack of detail about shopping washing cooking cleaning is telling, and you haven't mentioned what goes on at weekends other than that you sometimes look after the chldlren for 2 hours), I think the amount of time she's spending on the mental and physical load is likely completely invisible to you.
I promise you that having that conversation, and following through with action, will get you what you're looking for.

It sounds to me like the sex you do have lasts for too long

How long do you want to have sex for?

It seems like you feel sex deprived so when you do have sex you want to make it into this "event" which is longer than what she feels it needs to be

After she has orgasmed it's not unreasonable for her to want you to finish up then too

If she doesn't feel like sex will be this big performance & can be quick + pleasurable maybe she'd be more into it

I did have to roll my eyes at OP's mention of "toothbrushing" as helping to lift the load.....