Parents with DPs - how much time do you get together?

[MoonbeamsGlittering]

We have two kids (aged 6 and 2) and both work full-time, so I know that I shouldn't expect to get lots of time together with all of that going on. However, I realised recently that we were probably only getting about 1 hour per week (split into 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there) when we were spending time together without the kids. My wife tends to go to bed (to go to sleep) at the same time as the kids and wants to sleep for 9 or 10 hours. It makes it very hard to get any time with her.

I've mentioned this and she has tried to have lunch with me once per week and maybe have a bit more time in the evening, but it seems like she feels that I am asking for a bit much. I realised that I don't know how much time other parents of young kids get to spend together. Any input is very welcome!

Yes, the real question is, no matter how exhausted you are from shouldering the mental load, are you paying enough attention to your husband?

@MoonbeamsGlittering it was said in jest to be honest. I do not believe your a lazy clueless man. I'm simply speaking from experience of myself and pretty much all of the women I speak to but of course there are variations in all aspects of life so its entirely possible your that variation. What I can see is that your bothered and seem lovingly trying to create a happy home and relationship which is half the battle.

To answer your questions, yes dh does know how tired I am and has fully taken over bedtimes and our youngest school and childcare stuff. Its slightly different for us because we have disabled children and I'm the best person to meet their needs and do there life admin because I have more knowledge in this area. Anyway, recently me and dh did have a conversation because we do spend time together in the evenings but it wasn't quality time. We were stuck in the rut of acting more like housemates than a romantic couple. We were both sat on our phones etc this was from say 8pm till 10.30pm. The rest of the time was swallowed up being busy with work or children. We now make effort for our evenings to be spent chatting and being affectionate. We try to book weekends alone if we can but this is not often as we struggle for childcare. We share an interest in theater so we go out and watch a play together periodically. Intimacy and sex is important to both of us so we make time for this. I was the one who recently brought up lack of this to dh so as above we make more effort. So your not wrong and it is usual for couples to spend time together even when parenting. Most of my friends spend evenings in front of the telly with their partner. It does take work to maintain a relationship after kids and if both people are not making an effort then that's not going to happen. It is often easier to go to bed especially if you enjoy time alone.

What are your jobs if you don't mind me asking? Is hers more physically tiring than yours? For example my husband works in an office and I am a primary teacher, so I do find I'm physically tired after a school day. I also agree that excessive tiredness can be a symptom of depression so that's worth exploring.

I realise that sounds a bit dismissive of office jobs, obviously my husband is tired too after starting at a computer screen all day and lots of complicated thinking (he's a programmer) but I just mean some jobs might wear you out physically more than others hence needing more sleep. 9-10 hours is a lot though.

@Arren12 Thank you for your responses - hopefully my wife and I can talk more about this like you have.

@cadentiasidera We both have office-type jobs but I can work from home all the time whereas my wife now has to travel in once or twice per week (after WFH all the time for many months). I try to help out more on those days especially. Do you still get time with DH in the evening or does your job kind of block that?

Has she always been a bit of an introvert? Maybe she isn’t really needing to sleep, just desperately needing time alone - not because of you though - and using sleep as an excuse.

Children are so needy and always touching their parents (mothers more so, in my experience) that it is easy to get “touched out” especially if you are an introvert by nature.

Maybe stop pressuring her, and stop asking her what you can do to help. Just use your initiative and get on with out and leave her to it for a whole weekend (if it was summer then you could have taken the kids camping on your own).

Maybe once she gets a chance to reset, and feels you backing off from asking for her time, then she will naturally miss you and come towards you by herself.

And, I would suggest totally backing off on the once a week sex, unless she is initiating it and is genuinely very keen. You said she seems like she wants it to be over quickly… it sounds unlikely then that she is really into it, and you will seem more and more unattractive to her if she is partaking out of some sense of duty, rather than desire

DS aged 2, we have approx between 7-9.30pm together each night of the week (unless one of us is out) we go to bed at the same time, about 9.30/10ish.
Rarely have time just us two during the weekend.
About once a month we have a babysitter to do something nice.

Are you both WFH most days? It sounds awful, but after being home with DH for the past 18 months, I feel like I need a break from him! We chat during the day and sometimes have nothing left to say, really. I wonder if your wife is feeling like this.

I also find WFH more draining, weirdly, possibly because I’m surrounded by stuff that I can see needs to be done (similar thought processes to @Arren12). I’ve gone back to the office for half the week now, and I actually feel more energised by being out of the house.

@IggleyP Thanks for the suggestions - things to think about. I think we both like having a bit of time to ourselves, but I didn't realise that we had such different ideas about amounts of time to spend together until recently. (She does want to have the sex - she wants me to give her an orgasm quickly but then after that she wants me to finish quickly so that we don't stay up late.)

@Abouttimemum Thanks for your feedback. It seems like pretty much everyone on the thread so far has 2-3 hours together each evening. I thought there might be more of a mix of responses but it seems like there is a definite trend.

I think it's important to inspect what you each qualify as "time together." My husband and I have one 3 year old son and I'd say we have about two hours per night "together" after our DC has gone to bed, so about 14 hours per week. But only about 5-6 of those total hours are time that we actively engage in an activity with each other. So Saturday night we always get a takeaway and watch a show together, Friday nights we might have an at-home movie night. The other hours we are in the same space, but we each might be reading a book or I might be watching my iPad while he plays a video game. He is an extrovert and I'm and introvert, and for me, this is the right balance. If my husband wanted to have all 14 hours a week of actual engagement time...I would find a way to fill my hours pretty quickly. I would probably need to sleep 10 hours a day just to recover from that! It's worth reflecting on what you're expecting from your together hours, and whether that is too demanding for her. You might find that she would be able to "make" more hours for together time if they were a little more low key. (This may not be your situation at all, but I thought I would put it out there in case it helps!)

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@Arren12 Thank you for your responses - hopefully my wife and I can talk more about this like you have.

@cadentiasidera We both have office-type jobs but I can work from home all the time whereas my wife now has to travel in once or twice per week (after WFH all the time for many months). I try to help out more on those days especially. Do you still get time with DH in the evening or does your job kind of block that?[/quote]
I think you should do an experiment to clarify the situation.

Give your wife a fortnight off.

Rather than "help out"

just do everything that needs doing, like you're a single parent.

She gets to read a book, take a bath, go to bed early, sleep in, just get herself ready in her mornings, go for a drink after work if she wants to, and generally recharge her batteries.

For two weeks.

Then let us know your findings.

@EllieQ We have both WFH a lot, so you may well have a point!

@HyacinthsHydrangeas Thanks, that's a good thing for me to keep in mind. I think she might term herself as something of an introvert. I think I'm an introvert too but I don't actually need that much time on my own - or maybe I just get loads of time on my own anyway so I don't realise!

@PrincessNutNuts That is close to what I'm trying to do. I've been trying to do as much as I can and give her as much time off as she would like. Maybe I shouldn't have used the phrase "help out" because I didn't mean that kids/house work are her work and I'm helping her. I don't think she wants to go two weeks with no kid contact!

What are the working hours for you both? Are your jobs physical? What time do both of you get home?

@RantyAunty We both work office hours mostly from home. Just recently she's had to go to the office once or twice a week. I do the large majority of kid/school stuff on those days.

Can I ask how things are (or have been) for you on this topic? It seems like almost everyone on the thread says that they have 2 or 3 hours per night with their partner.

I just noticed you already talked about your work hours. Didn't mean to ask again.

When mine were small, they went to bed around 7 or 8 so we had around 2 hours each night.
Watch a movie or just sit and talk.

I think it's possible to work out a new schedule. I think people here want to help if possible.

Let's take the last 2 weekdays to create a baseline.

List what you did from the time you woke up to the time you went to bed.

@crestar

I should forget this if i were you.

There are so many feminist nutcases on Mumsnet that you will never get a fair hearing if you have a penis.

He's already said that he does his fair share - change the attitude.

This.

Poor bloke.

@MoonbeamsGlittering

Sorry I missed your question earlier. It is important for couples to make time for each other. As for what was happening with my DH - it wasn't really about him doing anything differently. It was about me learning to prioritise better so I didn't spend time doing things that could wait or could be done by someone else or indeed didn't need to be done.

Don't know what a feminist nutcase is. I'm 100% feminist; it doesn't mean that I think all men are all wrong all the time which seems to be the suggestion upthread. Based on your updates: it still sounds to me like your wife is, for whatever reason, choosing to engage in courses of action which mean that you spend unreasonably small amounts of time together. Her reasons may be health-related (physical or mental) or emotional (avoidance) but ultimately something about this arrangement suits her. Your children are 2 and 6 - there aren't really any good reasons for her to be going to bed when they do every day (from time to time, maybe, but it shouldn't be the default position).

Your initial question was whether it is correct to say that parents of small children have more or less no time together i.e. that 1 hour a week in snatched moments is normal. As you've probably gathered by now, it isn't normal. Given your children's ages, and assuming no particular issues, you should be managing 1 hour or so a day together really - but it will usually be in the evening and her avoidance of you in the evening makes me wonder whether above all this is about avoiding sexual intimacy.

This is going to be touch to unpick, OP. Good luck trying to work things out with your wife.

[quote MoonbeamsGlittering]@EllieQ We have both WFH a lot, so you may well have a point!

@HyacinthsHydrangeas Thanks, that's a good thing for me to keep in mind. I think she might term herself as something of an introvert. I think I'm an introvert too but I don't actually need that much time on my own - or maybe I just get loads of time on my own anyway so I don't realise!

@PrincessNutNuts That is close to what I'm trying to do. I've been trying to do as much as I can and give her as much time off as she would like. Maybe I shouldn't have used the phrase "help out" because I didn't mean that kids/house work are her work and I'm helping her. I don't think she wants to go two weeks with no kid contact![/quote]
She can do all the kid contact she wants.

I agree poor bloke. You clearly do your share of everything and I speak as someone with 3 kids, full time work and a OH that does literally nothing around the house - he earns the money apparently! You sound like a treasure and I think your wife needs to maybe have an hour's less sleep a night and spend it with you! Hope it works out for you because you deserve better than this!

* @PrincessNutNuts* That is close to what I'm trying to do. I've been trying to do as much as I can and give her as much time off as she would like. Maybe I shouldn't have used the phrase "help out" because I didn't mean that kids/house work are her work and I'm helping her. I don't think she wants to go two weeks with no kid contact!

But clearly you haven't got anywhere near lightening her load because she's got no free time. She sleeps, does childcare, cooking, life admin and housework, and works.

Also the 60% of everything you say you currently do is still a long way from the 100% for two weeks that I'm suggesting.

Have we talked about weekends? How do weekends go in your house?

OP,
It sounds like you are trying your best.

Have you asked her what more can you do?

1 hour a week together is nothing.

We have 4 and when they were small it was all hands on deck to have them settled by 8pm so we could sit together and have a glass of wine on both friday and Saturday nights till about 11 when we both would be ready to sleep.

To be annoyed you want to spend more time with her is weird IMO and I would want to know why exactly she is annoyed.

Going to sleep with the children every night is strange too.

I don't think you have the full story from her.

@MoonbeamsGlittering you seem to have been given quite a rough ride on here.

In terms of times, what time do the children go to bed and what time does your wife go to bed?

What time do you eat dinner and do you eat together ie as a family or as a couple?

What time do the children get up and what time does your wife get up?

I think seeing this laid out will help rather than the number of hours as I cannot work out timings.

@MoonbeamsGlittering in answer to your earlier question, I only work part time so it's a different situation... but we have one daughter who is 4 and she's in bed soon after 7, so we do spend time together after that. It varies how much, as I sometimes do bits of work in the evening and he cooks dinner, which he likes to do on his own, but we do have at least an hour or two together. We're working on doing something other than eating and watching TV during this time, as we are both usually quite tired, but at least we're being tired together and can cuddle up on the sofa! Occasionally if I'm really knackered I will go up to bed about 8 or 9, but my husband appreciates this time to do stuff like watch scary TV that I don't like!

I think that you are being given a hard time, and you're not being unreasonable wanting to spend more time together. I do wonder what is making your wife so tired. The mental load that others have mentioned is a big thing for me, plus I have moderate depression and anxiety which is tiring in itself, and also the medication I'm on can contribute (ironically). I think she'd benefit from talking to her GP if that's something she'd be comfortable with, there could be something either physical or mental underlying her tiredness.

Going to bed with the kids at 7 every night is strange. It’s only something I’d do if I’d been up all night the previous night with my non sleeping toddler or if I was fed up with my DH, especially if we’ve both been WFH all day. I get fed up of listening to his voice!

How is your relationship otherwise? It sounds like she doesn’t want to prioritise spending time with you. Does she actually go to bed and sleep at that time? Are you sure?

You sound fab and please ignore the people quizzing you on exactly what you do at home. I can only presume of them are pissed off because their own DH do nothing with the house or kids. Or are bitter that they’ve given up their careers. There is no need for the nastiness you’ve been subjected to.