Waking up to find partner touching me

[TiredMumma247]

Post

I can’t actually believe I’m posting this but here goes. I woke up recently at 4am to discover my husband touching me intimately inside of my underwear. I’m on some medication that makes me drowsy and sleep really heavily. I pushed his hand away and went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed he was seemingly asleep. I asked him about this the next day and he appeared shocked and said he didn’t know he was doing it and wouldn’t ever do that to me. He seemed genuinely really upset. But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

My partners sex drive has always been higher than mine and to be honest after having our son 4 years ago it’s practically disappeared much to his disappointment. I don’t even know the point to this post, I just can’t reconcile what happened with the man I know and love and have been with for 10 years. Was he asleep? Has this happened before without my knowledge because the medication makes me so drowsy? Will it happen again? Is he not the person I thought he was?

We don’t have a spare bedroom for either of us to sleep in so that’s not an option. I know for 100% that if I try to have a discussion with him he’ll say he didn’t know he was doing it and then will turn this into an issue about me not trusting him. I don’t know what to do or think. I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault. I have spoken to a friend who was really great but had no advice. I have tons of family & friends but I can’t talk to them about this. I feel so isolated with this and the person I’d usually speak to about stuff that’s bothering me is the person who’s done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Any advice would be welcome. I don’t want to appear like I’m over reacting but I can’t get my head around this.

You’re not overreacting at all
This is really serious
Can you stay with a friend for now whilst you process it? You’re not safe in your own bed

Don't take your meds tonight. Don't tell him.
If he tries to assault you he needs to leave
.

I can’t believe that he did that and didn’t know/was asleep, so it’s sexual assault.
It is serious.
I’d ask him to leave while you process it.
If he scared or threatens you call the police.

Can you skip your meds safely?

If yes, then do so and you may catch him in the act.

Otherwise, and this would be a long term sting, buy a nanny cam and set it up in your room, hidden of course. You may catch him that way.

Hello OP this happened to me. Also when taking strong meds which partner knew about. It happened 3 times and has pretty much destroyed our relationship. I think it’s very abusive and left me feeling violated.

@Pumpkinsonparade

Don't take your meds tonight. Don't tell him

This is terrible advice, depending on which meds the OP is on. Suddenly stopping medication can make some situations worse. Please don't give out unsolicited medical advice.

@TiredMumma247 do you have somewhere safe to stay tonight? You need to leave this man.

@mathanxiety

Can you skip your meds safely?

If yes, then do so and you may catch him in the act.

Otherwise, and this would be a long term sting, buy a nanny cam and set it up in your room, hidden of course. You may catch him that way.

This is what I would do, though the thought of it makes me sick - we really aren't safe anywhere are we?

Sorry op - no advice to offer, but I think if it was me I'd have to catch him so I knew 100%.

Sorry, I meant the camera advice, not the meds - obviously that would depend on what your meds are.

daysatthecircus I’m sorry this happened to you. I do feel completely violated and disgusted. It’s so hard to process as he’s the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met so I’m struggling to get my head round it all.

GoodnightGrandma That’s what I’m struggling to believe, how can you do that when you’re asleep?! He’s the most loving and supportive person I’ve ever known and we have a happy marriage so I can’t believe he’d knowingly do this.

@Pumpkinsonparade I was thinking of taking slightly less for a few nights, just so I’m not so drowsy.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
I could stay at my Mums but I need to be here for my son in the morning. I just don’t get how I can go from having 100% trust in the man I love to questioning how safe I am in bed with him. He’s never ever been abusive to me in the past and is so loving, supportive and caring so it’s hard to reconcile what’s happened with the man I’ve been with for 10 years. Do I leave all of that because of one thing? One awful thing admittedly.

@lemmein I do need to know and I feel like I want to catch him out, if there’s something to catch him out on. Thank you for your reply.

@Shoxfordian I could stay with family but I need to be here for my son in the morning. My husband is working nights from Monday for a week so I’ll have time to process when he’s not here. Until then I’ll just have to stay. I’ve spoken to him tonight and he’s remorseful but says he had no idea he was doing it. He’s devastated but not giving me space to process, wants to know what he can do to make it better.

@GoodnightGrandma That’s what I’m struggling to believe, how can you do that when you’re asleep?! He’s the most loving and supportive person I’ve ever known and we have a happy marriage so I can’t believe he’d knowingly do this.

@daysatthecircus I’m sorry this happened to you. I do feel completely violated and disgusted. It’s so hard to process as he’s the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met so I’m struggling to get my head round it all.

Can you take your son with you to your mums? Don’t stay in the same bed with him if it can happen again tonight
Stay in a hotel if you have to and you can afford to

I think it has been known for people men to do this while asleep.

@mathanxiety this has been going through my mind, that I need to do something to catch him but don’t want to live my life like that but what other option do I have? Makes me feel vulnerable and unsafe.

There is such a thing as sexsomnia but it's really, really rare. Most likely he deliberately sexually assaulted you.

@Shoxfordian I could do but he’s in bed now and whilst it doesn’t sound like a big deal I’d have to deal with my family’s questions. My husband is home with my son Thursday so could stay with family on Wednesday night.

There’s still tonight though
Can your husband sleep on a sofa or can you? I’m concerned it’s going to happen to you again tonight - ideally you need to get your son and get out

Tell your family you’ve left your husband because he’s been sexually assaulting you

I know that’s really hard

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It has happened to me before too so I fully understand the shock you are feeling. My husband had sex with me when I was asleep (I was exhausted with a 1 year old). He claimed he thought I was awake. I got a lot of what you are expecting - gaslighting... how could I accuse him of rape, what kind of man do I think he is. Made me feel awful but deep down I knew what he did. Nothing happened again for about a year then I awoke to his fingers inside me (something I don't let him do). This time he claimed he was "trying to wake me up". Again I knew this wasn't true. This time I said I just couldn't get past it as I made it very clear after the previous incident never to touch me whilst sleeping. I went to a therapist who was useless and in the end I stayed. It's been a couple of years and I'm not aware that it has ever happened again. But things have never been the same. I have to sleep facing him most of the time which is horrible.

@hereforthechat
Have you considered leaving him? How can you fall asleep knowing your husband might do this again at any time?

He has already done it at least once so what difference does it make if he does it again?

Don't share a bed with him ever again. And make plans to leave. It's sexual assault and there's no excuse for it.