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Original poster

Waking up to find partner touching me

145 replies

TiredMumma247 · 09/11/2021 17:52

Post

I can’t actually believe I’m posting this but here goes. I woke up recently at 4am to discover my husband touching me intimately inside of my underwear. I’m on some medication that makes me drowsy and sleep really heavily. I pushed his hand away and went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed he was seemingly asleep. I asked him about this the next day and he appeared shocked and said he didn’t know he was doing it and wouldn’t ever do that to me. He seemed genuinely really upset. But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

My partners sex drive has always been higher than mine and to be honest after having our son 4 years ago it’s practically disappeared much to his disappointment. I don’t even know the point to this post, I just can’t reconcile what happened with the man I know and love and have been with for 10 years. Was he asleep? Has this happened before without my knowledge because the medication makes me so drowsy? Will it happen again? Is he not the person I thought he was?

We don’t have a spare bedroom for either of us to sleep in so that’s not an option. I know for 100% that if I try to have a discussion with him he’ll say he didn’t know he was doing it and then will turn this into an issue about me not trusting him. I don’t know what to do or think. I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault. I have spoken to a friend who was really great but had no advice. I have tons of family & friends but I can’t talk to them about this. I feel so isolated with this and the person I’d usually speak to about stuff that’s bothering me is the person who’s done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Any advice would be welcome. I don’t want to appear like I’m over reacting but I can’t get my head around this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 12/11/2021 23:17

@Maybebaby8 thanks for your reply. I don’t think he’s had sex with me, I honestly do not believe he would do that. I think I was just in shock and reading these replies has given me some balance in my thinking

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/11/2021 03:30

If he was asleep or awake is a red herring, YOU didn't consent to it, so it is sexual assault regardless.
The chances of him having sexomnia are so incredibly low, it is almost certain that he has done this on purpose.
Make him face up to what he is, a sex offender who sexually assaulted you when you were unable to consent or say no.
Of course he's going to argue and make up every excuse going, because he doesn't want to admit to himself what he is, and what he's done, and he definitely wouldn't want others knowing.
The only one who should be ashamed, affraid and worried what others will think of his behaviour, is him.

Tomatalillo · 13/11/2021 03:48

I hope you’re ok OP. It’s a shocking thing to happen.

I can understand you wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt but my initial thought was that this is not innocent. If it was done when he was genuinely asleep, why has it never happened before?

It seems extremely coincidental that the first time you have ever noticed this is when you have been taking medicine that makes you sleep very heavily.

Flowers Flowers Flowers

CactusLemonSpice · 13/11/2021 10:58

Even if he did do this in his sleep, that doesn't make it okay that it happened. You don't have to accept being sexually violated and feeling unsafe, even if he did have sexomnia. Couples where one partner have this, often make a plan to prevent one partner being violated.

But I am getting the sense that you can tell this is intentional, has happened before, and he is lying about it.

I wonder, are there other things he does where he overrides your feelings and needs, or gaslights you? And you say he is not happy with the amount of sex you have, how does he express his unhappiness?

You don't have to answer my questions especially not if they are difficult, but I'm basically wondering if deep down you know that he did this on purpose.

I may be projecting a bit because I had a partner who sexually abused me, including when I was sleeping. He was also abusive in various other ways, but if you'd asked me at the time I would have said he was amazing. These things can really mess with the mind.

I am really sorry this happened to you. Please do whatever you need to do to feel safe where you sleep, and I would advise seeking emotional support from others (friends and therapist) and talking it through. Wether or not he was asleep, you do not need to accept this.

ANC333 · 16/10/2023 00:06

I've experience this twice myself. Most recently, last night. It meshes into my dreams and really messes with my mind to wake up and it was reality. I was molested for the first time by my uncle at twelve years old and had similar experiences then. They both have the same name except my molester was called by a different variation, but I just realized that's probably adding to the creepy factor and making me feel crazy. I don't even know how to feel about it. He just slept all day after I went to sleep on the couch and woke up really angry and left for work. Thinking about saving up for my own small run down place that I can make mine so I don't have to put up with treatments from such a jerk. Thoughts?

Peckahminn11 · 16/10/2023 00:08

This has happened twice with my partner. He genuinely didn't realise he was doing it and said he was having a 'wet' dream. He was mortified. So was I...

Banana1979 · 16/10/2023 00:08

Film the bed covertly

caringcarer · 16/10/2023 02:29

Zombie post from 2021.

Naunet · 16/10/2023 08:30

ANC333 · 16/10/2023 00:06

I've experience this twice myself. Most recently, last night. It meshes into my dreams and really messes with my mind to wake up and it was reality. I was molested for the first time by my uncle at twelve years old and had similar experiences then. They both have the same name except my molester was called by a different variation, but I just realized that's probably adding to the creepy factor and making me feel crazy. I don't even know how to feel about it. He just slept all day after I went to sleep on the couch and woke up really angry and left for work. Thinking about saving up for my own small run down place that I can make mine so I don't have to put up with treatments from such a jerk. Thoughts?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please start your own thread and get some support.

Note for others - ZOMBIE.

StarlightLady · 16/10/2023 10:15

Why drag up a post from 2021? Whatever the issues were, circumstances are prob different now.

l wish threads on MN would time out after a certain period.

ANC333 · 16/10/2023 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

callmeblondee · 16/10/2023 15:09

I wish I didnt have to say this but I have known a few men sadly who have been seeminlgy the most lovliest, caring, respected, gentle, just all round amazing, everything you could want, and yet have also had other side, depraved desires that they have acted on either in this way or with others.
Sorry to say but I dont trust any men when it comes to sex and sexual desire. Maybe I will get bashed for that but just my experiences. I have been a victim and seen and heard enough for one lifetime. And what is more upsetting is that this partner assault is quite common, I have friends who have been through the same.
So sorry you are going through this, it feels very lonely and isolating and like your world has shifted into a different parallel. Take care of yourself x

tigereyes10 · 16/10/2023 16:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Sapphire3 · 16/10/2023 21:28

There’s nothing me and my ex liked more than waking the other up sexually, we were very close and couldn’t get enough of each other. Sometimes we would be half asleep, or actually asleep and wake up like that. I understand you don’t want that with your partner but maybe you just aren’t compatible, these things should really be discussed prior to marriage otherwise both partners lose out on the kind of relationship they really want

Valeriekat · 17/10/2023 09:59

Helenahandkart · 11/11/2021 18:49

@Naunet
aasm.org/study-finds-that-sexsomnia-is-common-in-sleep-center-patients/

The top hit on Google says that it is common, with 8% of sleep centre patients suffering from it.
I am just reporting my own experience. That doesn’t make me a dangerous idiot.

8% In sleep centre patients NOT the general population!

Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 17/10/2023 13:26

Thank you for your response. It’s been a long and lonely journey. It’s destroyed my trust in him and I’m desperately hoping that can be repaired.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 17/10/2023 13:30

Sorry but I find your comment offensive and ignorant. We were together for years before we got married and not once did he display this behaviour or verbalise that he had fantasies about this sort of thing. If he had told me I wouldn’t have married him. And I don’t feel compatibility comes into it, he’s knowingly doing something I don’t want him to do and have never expressed an interest in!

OP posts:
tigereyes10 · 17/10/2023 17:40

TiredMumma247 · 17/10/2023 13:30

Sorry but I find your comment offensive and ignorant. We were together for years before we got married and not once did he display this behaviour or verbalise that he had fantasies about this sort of thing. If he had told me I wouldn’t have married him. And I don’t feel compatibility comes into it, he’s knowingly doing something I don’t want him to do and have never expressed an interest in!

You originally posted this in 2021, is this still happening to you!?

Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 17/10/2023 18:04

It’s happened twice since. I know I should leave.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2023 18:11

You absolutely should leave.

It's so indicative of abuse that you're talking about repairing trust with someone who has repeatedly physically assaulted you.

You keep trying to repair things irregardless of your own needs. It seems you've convinced yourself that this is something that you should 'be able to find a way to forgive' and that if you can't, then the issue is with you. Heartbreaking.

You are not to blame for abuse. You cannot fix him. You cannot fix this relationship because HE, an abuser, is part of it.

Please don't spend 2 more years with your abuser. Get out. And seriously consider reporting these assaults to the police.

You deserve a safe home.
Ge deserves a prison cell. It is that bad.

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