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Original poster

Waking up to find partner touching me

145 replies

TiredMumma247 · 09/11/2021 17:52

Post

I can’t actually believe I’m posting this but here goes. I woke up recently at 4am to discover my husband touching me intimately inside of my underwear. I’m on some medication that makes me drowsy and sleep really heavily. I pushed his hand away and went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed he was seemingly asleep. I asked him about this the next day and he appeared shocked and said he didn’t know he was doing it and wouldn’t ever do that to me. He seemed genuinely really upset. But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

My partners sex drive has always been higher than mine and to be honest after having our son 4 years ago it’s practically disappeared much to his disappointment. I don’t even know the point to this post, I just can’t reconcile what happened with the man I know and love and have been with for 10 years. Was he asleep? Has this happened before without my knowledge because the medication makes me so drowsy? Will it happen again? Is he not the person I thought he was?

We don’t have a spare bedroom for either of us to sleep in so that’s not an option. I know for 100% that if I try to have a discussion with him he’ll say he didn’t know he was doing it and then will turn this into an issue about me not trusting him. I don’t know what to do or think. I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault. I have spoken to a friend who was really great but had no advice. I have tons of family & friends but I can’t talk to them about this. I feel so isolated with this and the person I’d usually speak to about stuff that’s bothering me is the person who’s done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Any advice would be welcome. I don’t want to appear like I’m over reacting but I can’t get my head around this.

OP posts:
Robgem81 · 09/11/2021 21:13

This has happened to me when I was younger. My partner at the time admitted he'd had sex with me in my sleep. Basically this is rape. It doesn't matter he is your husband he has absolutely no right to do this without your consent. I'm sorry this has happened to you

Boopeedoop · 09/11/2021 21:14

I touch my husband while I'm asleep. It tends to be stroking his bottom or genitals. Absolutely no memory of it in the morning. He just moves my hand away and I apologise when he tells me.

But it sounds like you dont believe he didn't know he was doing it and he has possibly done it before, so a very different thing for you to experience.

lifeinlimbo2020 · 09/11/2021 21:17

@COS2102 I/we have had the same experience as this. All seems normal to me. I've joked before that I have to wear underwear to bed as DH gets frisky in his sleep but I've never felt threatened or violated as I know he's asleep and would not hurt me in any way ever.

JaneyJimplin · 09/11/2021 21:17

Similar happened me with an ex partner when I was v drunk. Woke to him trying to penetrate me anally (not something I'd ever consent to awake) He claimed he was asleep/drunk, very convincing. Ill never know either way.

Pascal80 · 09/11/2021 22:22

@KurtWilde

People walk/talk do random things in their sleep.

Of course it's possible he was touching you in his sleep.

You know him

he’s the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met so I’m struggling to get my head round it all

So why are you doubting him.

Do some reading about people who do stuff while asleep, instead of thinking the worst of a man you know & love & getting hyped up by the 'all men are evil - LTB' narrative on here.

Excellent post @SpookyPumpkinPants

Absolutely THIS^
oviraptor21 · 09/11/2021 23:00

Whilst it's possible he has no recollection, he does have control over his reaction to being told it happened. He needs to work with you to make sure it can't happen again. This may mean he has to sleep somewhere else. If he's not prepared to do this then you have your answer.

HollowTalk · 09/11/2021 23:06

@CatonMat

I think it has been known for people men to do this while asleep.
Really? Who says that though, the man who are doing it?
me4real · 09/11/2021 23:07

I honestly don't think this is usually innocent, and OP and others aren't wrong to be skeptical.

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 23:08

Find some pj bottoms, yoga pants or something extra to wear. Take an extra blanket and wrap it around you so there is no way he can grope you.

My exH was a groping sex pest. I'd put on my night time suit of armor.

Starseeking · 09/11/2021 23:17

My EXDP used to do this all the time, despite me telling him I hated waking up to hands inside my knickers or teeth biting my nipples, and wanted him to stop it. Writing this down now, I realise what a sex pest he actually was, and why I couldn't bear to sleep with him during the last 4 months of our 7 year relationship.

user6367377 · 09/11/2021 23:36

So sorry this happened to you OP Flowers

lemmein · 10/11/2021 05:51

But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

Are posters deliberately ignoring this part of the OPs post? The OP is a grown woman who has had a child, she knows how her body feels after sex and described it above - why are people dismissing this part of her post? It's one thing unconsciously grinding into your partner whilst asleep, quite another to have sex with your heavily sedated partner.

rrhuth · 10/11/2021 06:02

I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault.

Should, in my opinion, read: . I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault.

Touching without permission when you are asleep on medication is worse than touching you when you are awake.

Sorry you are dealing with this Flowers

femfemlicious · 10/11/2021 06:16

👍🏾

Lollypop701 · 10/11/2021 06:51

You have a happy marriage with no sex life. You know your dh has a high sex drive. Are you sure your dh is ok with this? If he is truely accepting , because you have health conditions and kids, could he actually be asleep and he’s subconsciously looking for sex? The alternative is grim. I’d take less meds if possible and see what happens because if he is not asleep then you need to deal with that.

rrhuth · 10/11/2021 06:55

could he actually be asleep and he’s subconsciously looking for sex? In my view: very very unlikely. Far more likely it is assault.

BrainPotter · 10/11/2021 07:55

My husband tells me I grope him in bed, completely asleep and absolutely no recollection. It must be to do with whatever I’m dreaming about. Sometimes he thinks I’m awake and thinks I’m instigating sex, but neither of us think this is anything to be concerned about. I apologise, we giggle. I am quite mortified that I do this though!

Yamayo · 10/11/2021 08:04

Not quite the same situation though. Hmm

sallyanne33 · 10/11/2021 08:27

I think PP are being rather dismissive and making light of what is a very serious situation. You know yourself OP that something is up, don’t ignore that gut feeling. You know how you’d body feels when you’ve had sex. I think you need to prepare yourself that your partner is not the man you thought he was. I’ve seen several threads on here about husbands assaulting their wives in their sleep, taking naked photos of her, putting them online on voyeur porn sites etc, I think horrifyingly it’s more common than people realise. How awful when you don’t feel safe to sleep next to your life partner. The fact that he’s all in your face asking what he can do to make it better rather than giving you space and chance to process is a big red flag, I think he knows full well what he’s been doing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Unlikely he’ll do anything again now for a good while as he knows you know, and you can’t live on tenterhooks waiting for something else to happen. In your situation I would get out of there and get some breathing room and talk it through with someone in real life like a counsellor if you can.

peterpointerpickedapeck · 10/11/2021 09:35

Can you put a camera in your room to try to catch him out? Sorry you're going through this Thanks

fournonblondes · 10/11/2021 09:51

What a shock! Honestly I would mentally prepare to leave him.

fournonblondes · 10/11/2021 09:54

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LoekMa · 10/11/2021 10:11

Its actually scary how often threads like this pop up on here. What is going on with peoples' husbands/partners? Wow

me4real · 10/11/2021 18:37

Also, you should be realistic if putting aside this sex assault for a minute you are filling up his needs. If he has a high sex drive and it has been sex starved he would be looking somewhere else so there is that too.

@fournonblondes WTF? Confused So OP should 'put aside the sexual assault' and see where she is acting badly by not shagging him as much as he wants, or he might cheat?

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/11/2021 18:41

Tbh I've touched my bf in a sexual way like this quite a few times when genuinely asleep. It can happen.