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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waking up to find partner touching me

145 replies

TiredMumma247 · 09/11/2021 17:52

Post

I can’t actually believe I’m posting this but here goes. I woke up recently at 4am to discover my husband touching me intimately inside of my underwear. I’m on some medication that makes me drowsy and sleep really heavily. I pushed his hand away and went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed he was seemingly asleep. I asked him about this the next day and he appeared shocked and said he didn’t know he was doing it and wouldn’t ever do that to me. He seemed genuinely really upset. But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

My partners sex drive has always been higher than mine and to be honest after having our son 4 years ago it’s practically disappeared much to his disappointment. I don’t even know the point to this post, I just can’t reconcile what happened with the man I know and love and have been with for 10 years. Was he asleep? Has this happened before without my knowledge because the medication makes me so drowsy? Will it happen again? Is he not the person I thought he was?

We don’t have a spare bedroom for either of us to sleep in so that’s not an option. I know for 100% that if I try to have a discussion with him he’ll say he didn’t know he was doing it and then will turn this into an issue about me not trusting him. I don’t know what to do or think. I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault. I have spoken to a friend who was really great but had no advice. I have tons of family & friends but I can’t talk to them about this. I feel so isolated with this and the person I’d usually speak to about stuff that’s bothering me is the person who’s done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Any advice would be welcome. I don’t want to appear like I’m over reacting but I can’t get my head around this.

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 10/11/2021 19:00

@KurtWilde

People walk/talk do random things in their sleep.

Of course it's possible he was touching you in his sleep.

You know him

he’s the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met so I’m struggling to get my head round it all

So why are you doubting him.

Do some reading about people who do stuff while asleep, instead of thinking the worst of a man you know & love & getting hyped up by the 'all men are evil - LTB' narrative on here.

Excellent post @SpookyPumpkinPants

I agree with this.
Tianna476 · 10/11/2021 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:18

@Tianna476 I’m not going to leave my husband but the difference between your experience and mine is that I did and do mind what he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:23

@Lollypop701 he’s definitely not ok with the lack of sex, we do still have sex just not as regularly as he’d like to.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:28

@SpookyPumpkinPants I don’t know why I’m doubting him! It just felt so uncomfortable and violating. I guess I’m just confused as to how he could possibly do it without knowing. I’ve done some research as you suggest which was helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
stingofthebutterfly · 10/11/2021 19:33

Of course you can do that when you're asleep. People can sleepwalk, eat, drink, get dressed etc while asleep. Why is it difficult to believe he wouldn't be able to touch you? Have you never absent mindedly played with his bits and pieces? I'm sure you've done the same to him in your sleep. If he were dreaming about sex then it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he could get into your knickers without realising it.

His reaction says it all. He was shocked and upset. He seems to be a decent bloke and you'd be daft to throw away a relationship because of a bunch of strangers who like nothing more than to declare that all men are bastards.

Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:34

@fournonblondes

Also, you should be realistic if putting aside this sex assault for a minute you are filling up his needs. If he has a high sex drive and it has been sex starved he would be looking somewhere else so there is that too.
@fournonblondes no you’re right I’m probably not fulfilling his needs, but that would involve having sex every day if not twice a day and I don’t have the f*ing time or energy for that, nor is it my life goal to fulfill someone’s needs over my own all the time. We do have sex, even when my sex drive is low so he’s not sex starved and if he wanted to look elsewhere for sex that’s on him not me.
OP posts:
ftw163532 · 10/11/2021 19:36

The op didn't consent to this. Therefore it was assault.

It's irrelevant whether some other random person reckons they would have consented - the op didn't.

An unconscious person can't consent.

Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:37

Thank you all so much for your advice, support and experience. I’ve been quite confused and shocked by it all and we had it out last night. I’ve had time to process things and I’m taking things day by day.

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 10/11/2021 19:37

Holy shit, some of the replies on this thread.

Dad86 · 10/11/2021 19:39

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:40

@stingofthebutterfly I really appreciate your balanced view on the situation. I’m in no way going to leave my husband because of this. Just wanted some advice really. He is a very decent bloke and has supported me through so much, I guess that’s why I was so shocked at what happened.

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 10/11/2021 19:41

Hello OP, I would suggest confronting him openly. This is not something you should just let go. I know that he may get defensive and not want to talk to you but perhaps suggest couples therapy. Weather he did it in his sleep or not this has to be dealt with and cannot be allowed to happen again.

Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:43

@Dad86 I’m sorry that’s happening to you despite you telling her to stop. I think when you’re suffering with mental health it can be tough to maintain or put boundaries in place because of the effort it takes. I hope you’re ok ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredMumma247 · 10/11/2021 19:46

@freeatlast2021 I confronted him last night and a long discussion was had. I’ve definitely not let it go and I won’t be doing so either. He’s agreed to certain things I’ve asked of him in order to prevent this happening again.

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 10/11/2021 19:52

OMG I cannot believe some of the comments on here. No, it is NOT OK to be sexually touched while sleeping, by anyone including your own husband or wife. Totally unacceptable and has to be addressed immediately. A person should feel safest in her/his own bed beside his/her own partner. I am not suggesting that OP should leave her husband over this but this needs to be addressed and dealt with.

@Dad86 I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am sorry to say but you have to deal with this too, sooner rather then later. This is sexual abuse, and is not acceptable. I hope you find a way out of this situation. Take care.

freeatlast2021 · 10/11/2021 19:53

[quote TiredMumma247]@freeatlast2021 I confronted him last night and a long discussion was had. I’ve definitely not let it go and I won’t be doing so either. He’s agreed to certain things I’ve asked of him in order to prevent this happening again.[/quote]
Good for you. Take care and let us know how it goes. Flowers

Helenahandkart · 10/11/2021 21:22

I haven’t read the thread, just your initial post OP, so apologies if I don’t have the whole story.
My husband often used to initiate sex with me when I was asleep. He was asleep too. Sometimes he would wake up halfway through and thought I had initiated it.
He wasn’t/isn’t an abuser. And he no longer does it now that his libido has declined with age.
I would wake up with him trying to penetrate me, or touching my genitals.
He was mortified, and we discussed the fact that he would never be able to share a bed with a friend, or our children, in case he did it to them. I think it’s called sexsomnia and is fairly common.
I’m just sharing this because your DP might not be doing this in an abusive way.

Helenahandkart · 10/11/2021 21:42

www.sleepfoundation.org/parasomnias/sexsomnia

LittlePearl · 10/11/2021 21:48

I find the divide between being asleep and awake really blurred.

I have often had dreams when I am quite convinced I'm awake and having sex with my OH, only to wake up properly and find it was just that - a dream. I don't find it implausible that it can happen the other way round and that people do things in their sleep without any recollection the next day.

So I agree with pp who think it's possible your DP was asleep, but at the end of the day only you know him. None of us do, so we're all drawing on our own experiences when we post a reply.

You say you know and love him so this seems out of character. If that's true I'd lean towards believing and trusting him. But I say that because I've been with my OH for 40+ years and I know him inside out.

I hope you find a way through Flowers

me4real · 10/11/2021 21:51

no you’re right I’m probably not fulfilling his needs, but that would involve having sex every day if not twice a day and I don’t have the f*ing time or energy for that, nor is it my life goal to fulfill someone’s needs over my own all the time. We do have sex, even when my sex drive is low so he’s not sex starved and if he wanted to look elsewhere for sex that’s on him not me.

@TiredMumma247 I think his general attitude to sex and his doing this are too all-of-a-piece for it to be just an accident.

He sounds like he's a pest. Don't feel you have to have sex when you don't want to. x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/11/2021 22:04

@fournonblondes

I hope you're embarrassed about your earlier post.

Women shouldn't be too bothered men are assaulting us as at least they aren't cheating... I mean that's a fucking low bar isn't it?

Normal, good men don't have sex with women who are sleeping. That is what OP thinks may have happened.

You should be ashamed of yourself making out women should be grateful they're 'only' being sexually assaulted as long as they aren't being cheated on.

Vile.

Blindleadingtheblind · 10/11/2021 22:18

My ex did this all the time. I was flat out asleep, he was awake. When I confronted him about it, let's just say his reaction told me everything I needed to know. Just one of the many, many, reasons he is now an ex.

freeatlast2021 · 10/11/2021 22:21

@Helenahandkart I think it’s called sexsomnia and is fairly common.

It literally says everywhere I looked that this, so called, disorder, is extremely rare. Confused

FawnFrenchieMum · 10/11/2021 22:29

@COS2102

Both myself and my husband have woken up to the other one doing some touching in the past. Its like someone said earlier it almost seems as though you cuddle in and your body just acts. Sometimes it ends in us both waking and we have set and sometimes one moves the other's hand and we both fall back asleep. Most recently we discussed it and my husband said I was responding with physical cues so he thought I was awake but I hadn't been and he stopped when he realised what was going on.

This has never felt abusive to either of us and I'm shocked at how passionately people feel that it is abuse. We can't really ever know the situation of a stranger on the Internet but I thought it important to give my experiences too

I was about to write pretty much exactly this.