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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waking up to find partner touching me

145 replies

TiredMumma247 · 09/11/2021 17:52

Post

I can’t actually believe I’m posting this but here goes. I woke up recently at 4am to discover my husband touching me intimately inside of my underwear. I’m on some medication that makes me drowsy and sleep really heavily. I pushed his hand away and went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed he was seemingly asleep. I asked him about this the next day and he appeared shocked and said he didn’t know he was doing it and wouldn’t ever do that to me. He seemed genuinely really upset. But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

My partners sex drive has always been higher than mine and to be honest after having our son 4 years ago it’s practically disappeared much to his disappointment. I don’t even know the point to this post, I just can’t reconcile what happened with the man I know and love and have been with for 10 years. Was he asleep? Has this happened before without my knowledge because the medication makes me so drowsy? Will it happen again? Is he not the person I thought he was?

We don’t have a spare bedroom for either of us to sleep in so that’s not an option. I know for 100% that if I try to have a discussion with him he’ll say he didn’t know he was doing it and then will turn this into an issue about me not trusting him. I don’t know what to do or think. I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault. I have spoken to a friend who was really great but had no advice. I have tons of family & friends but I can’t talk to them about this. I feel so isolated with this and the person I’d usually speak to about stuff that’s bothering me is the person who’s done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Any advice would be welcome. I don’t want to appear like I’m over reacting but I can’t get my head around this.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/11/2021 20:28

*To clarify I mean there's no point hanging about to see if he does it again.

snowstercat · 09/11/2021 20:30

This sounds very disturbing and I'm
Sorry you're going through the not knowing.
I have a sleep app which records me when I sleep to see if I talk etc.
maybe install one and see if you can catch anything on this....if you're still going to stay in the same room.

I hope you are ok. Poor you xx

Suspiciousmind20 · 09/11/2021 20:30

In my twenties I lived with a partner and we had sex while we were both asleep. We both had a hazy memory of it and both were sleeping. No drugs or alcohol. It was a loving and respectful relationship. It was loving, mutual and gentle sex. It was like ‘muscle memory’ and dreaming about sex together. We were very close and had been together for around 3 years so knew each other’s bodies well and were very used to having sex together.

I have no idea whether this is similar to what happened with you OP as only you and your DH can know that, but I thought it would be good to share it to add a different perspective.

Bernadettematthews · 09/11/2021 20:31

DH has sexomnia and can very occasionally do this in his sleep. I'm a light sleeper and move his hand if it happens and he's fast asleep.

It doesn't bother me as I know it's genuine for him but I think it's very very rare.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Viviennemary · 09/11/2021 20:31

If thats how you feel then you need to split up.

me4real · 09/11/2021 20:33

An ex of mine used to shag me when I was drunk and/or half asleep. I was on strong meds too. He claimed his ex used to enjoy it. But that doesn't mean it's ok to do to someone who hasn't agreed to it (If someone's consent even counts in advance of sleep.)

He was always nagging for sex when I didn't want it too. 'It'll just be a few minutes' 'I deserve it' etc.

Shoxfordian · 09/11/2021 20:33

Nice for you suspicious
Doesn’t sound at all like what the op said though

disconnecteddrifter · 09/11/2021 20:33

Apparently I have tried to do this to a female friend whilst sharing a bed one night. I had and still have no recollection, am straight and totally mortified. I have to beleive she's not making it up but I have no memory. Perhaps ask him to sleep on sofa or you sleep there if your meds mean you pass out anyway?

SexyNeckbeard · 09/11/2021 20:34

It doesn't matter if he's claiming he was asleep and didn't know what he was doing. What matters is how you feel about it and if you feel unsafe then he needs to sleep elsewhere while you process it

GrumpyTerrier · 09/11/2021 20:34

This used to happen with my husband. I fully believed him when he said he didnt know he was doing it, 100%. But it was more of a grope on the outside of sleep clothes so was plausible- not sure that anything more than that is plausible but you know him best. I'd try to catch him out and deal with it then. You'll have more information then.

COS2102 · 09/11/2021 20:39

Both myself and my husband have woken up to the other one doing some touching in the past. Its like someone said earlier it almost seems as though you cuddle in and your body just acts. Sometimes it ends in us both waking and we have set and sometimes one moves the other's hand and we both fall back asleep. Most recently we discussed it and my husband said I was responding with physical cues so he thought I was awake but I hadn't been and he stopped when he realised what was going on.

This has never felt abusive to either of us and I'm shocked at how passionately people feel that it is abuse. We can't really ever know the situation of a stranger on the Internet but I thought it important to give my experiences too

WonderfulYou · 09/11/2021 20:41

There is such a thing as sexsomnia but it's really, really rare.

Yes there is but as you say it’s very rare.

OP I would get a small camera and not tell him.
I would also wear PJ trousers to bed so it’s harder to get access which will either wake you up or it’s harder to play the sexsomnia act of he’s pulling down your trousers.

If you say anything he’ll either act like he can’t remember or genuinely won’t remember.

me4real · 09/11/2021 20:42

As Grumpy implies, I think actually getting a hand in someone's knickers would be quite unlikely to happen if the perpetrator was asleep, as it needs some manual dexterity.

If you try and catch him out now @TiredMumma247 , he might not do it for a while as he knows you're on to him.

IAAP · 09/11/2021 20:44

I’d go and sleep with my son. He’s violated you - he is in the wrong not you

Inthesameboatatmo · 09/11/2021 20:47

Oh gosh op how scary ,can you sleep somewhere else tonight?
I.fond it hard to believe he doesn't know he's doing it tbh.

Youknownothingsnow · 09/11/2021 20:50

COS2102, I agree and I’m surprised that so many people are saying without doubt that it’s abusive.

Moominmiss · 09/11/2021 20:51

@COS2102

Both myself and my husband have woken up to the other one doing some touching in the past. Its like someone said earlier it almost seems as though you cuddle in and your body just acts. Sometimes it ends in us both waking and we have set and sometimes one moves the other's hand and we both fall back asleep. Most recently we discussed it and my husband said I was responding with physical cues so he thought I was awake but I hadn't been and he stopped when he realised what was going on.

This has never felt abusive to either of us and I'm shocked at how passionately people feel that it is abuse. We can't really ever know the situation of a stranger on the Internet but I thought it important to give my experiences too

@COS2102 my partner and I have both done exactly this too. But definitely feels intimate and loving rather than abusive. Perhaps that’s because we’ve both done it, and often when stirring ever so slightly it leads into full sex 🤷🏼‍♀️ Like you, sometimes we just eventually stop and go back to sleep.
SpookyPumpkinPants · 09/11/2021 20:51

@TiredMumma247

GoodnightGrandma That’s what I’m struggling to believe, how can you do that when you’re asleep?! He’s the most loving and supportive person I’ve ever known and we have a happy marriage so I can’t believe he’d knowingly do this.
People walk/talk do random things in their sleep.

Of course it's possible he was touching you in his sleep.

You know him

he’s the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met so I’m struggling to get my head round it all

So why are you doubting him.

Do some reading about people who do stuff while asleep, instead of thinking the worst of a man you know & love & getting hyped up by the 'all men are evil - LTB' narrative on here.

Indoctro · 09/11/2021 20:57

I'd wear a onzie to bed.

hereforthechat · 09/11/2021 20:57

She is doubting him because that's what her gut is saying. Note when she said she remembered another time she didn't feel right.

onemoredayplease · 09/11/2021 20:58

I find it hard to believe he was touching you in his sleep, add to this your feeling that something had happened a week or so ago, it just doesn't seem right. I think I would find it difficult to let this go. It's going to nag away at you no matter what he says. You probably have a gut instinct what happened and you need to be led by that and make sure you are safe. Do you have somewhere you could go for a couple of days whilst you think? It would be interesting to see how he would react if you said you are upset by what happened, find it hard to believe he was asleep and need time out to think.
If you choose to stay I think I would be talking to my GP about changing meds, you can explain its making you very sleepy at night and ask if there is an alternative. I wouldn't tell your husband that you are doing this.
This is an awful situation to be in. This is someone you should be able to trust but you have massive alarm bells ringing.

Yogaandcocoa · 09/11/2021 21:01

@Indoctro

I'd wear a onzie to bed.
This is a good idea!

If he genuinely didn't mean to do it then he'll be all for you protecting yourself.

KurtWilde · 09/11/2021 21:07

People walk/talk do random things in their sleep.

Of course it's possible he was touching you in his sleep.

You know him

he’s the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met so I’m struggling to get my head round it all

So why are you doubting him.

Do some reading about people who do stuff while asleep, instead of thinking the worst of a man you know & love & getting hyped up by the 'all men are evil - LTB' narrative on here.

Excellent post @SpookyPumpkinPants

KurtWilde · 09/11/2021 21:07

Bold fail Confused

Mischance · 09/11/2021 21:10

It seems unacceptable to be doing things to try and catch him out - this is no way for either of you to live. I understand why you feel you need to do this; but if you do I think you are effectively saying your relationship is over - no-one can share their life with someone who creates a situation where you need to do this.

I do understand how difficult this is - I had similar problems with my OH, but he had a degenerative neurological illness and it occurred because of that. It was grim.