Waking up to find partner touching me

[TiredMumma247]

Post

I can’t actually believe I’m posting this but here goes. I woke up recently at 4am to discover my husband touching me intimately inside of my underwear. I’m on some medication that makes me drowsy and sleep really heavily. I pushed his hand away and went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed he was seemingly asleep. I asked him about this the next day and he appeared shocked and said he didn’t know he was doing it and wouldn’t ever do that to me. He seemed genuinely really upset. But It made me think about a week or so ago when I woke up and felt sore down there (as if I’d had sex) but at the time just brushed it off.

My partners sex drive has always been higher than mine and to be honest after having our son 4 years ago it’s practically disappeared much to his disappointment. I don’t even know the point to this post, I just can’t reconcile what happened with the man I know and love and have been with for 10 years. Was he asleep? Has this happened before without my knowledge because the medication makes me so drowsy? Will it happen again? Is he not the person I thought he was?

We don’t have a spare bedroom for either of us to sleep in so that’s not an option. I know for 100% that if I try to have a discussion with him he’ll say he didn’t know he was doing it and then will turn this into an issue about me not trusting him. I don’t know what to do or think. I know his actions, if he was awake, constitute sexual assault. I have spoken to a friend who was really great but had no advice. I have tons of family & friends but I can’t talk to them about this. I feel so isolated with this and the person I’d usually speak to about stuff that’s bothering me is the person who’s done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Any advice would be welcome. I don’t want to appear like I’m over reacting but I can’t get my head around this.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@fournonblondes

I hope you're embarrassed about your earlier post.

Women shouldn't be too bothered men are assaulting us as at least they aren't cheating... I mean that's a fucking low bar isn't it?

Normal, good men don't have sex with women who are sleeping. That is what OP thinks may have happened.

You should be ashamed of yourself making out women should be grateful they're 'only' being sexually assaulted as long as they aren't being cheated on.

Vile.[/quote]
@youvegottenminuteslynn

^ 100% this!!

Also love the username, can’t beat a partridge quote! ;)

See now I like you even more @TiredMumma247! You sound lovely and normal and need to trust your gut on this. You know it's wrong.

I'm sorry there have been some apologists on this thread and I hope you can see from the overwhelming response that you are not at all overreacting to know that his behaviour is inherently wrong.

As I said, good men simply don't do this

I don't mean to throw a spanner in the works here but Op can you check his phone? There have been threads similar to yours on here that have also found videos of the act on their partners phone, it's a popular 'fetish' on porn sites.

“As I said, good men simply don't do this“

Not necessarily true. As someone else said upthread, you have to look at this within the context of his general behaviour. My husband is a good man, and he did this.

If your DP is hassling you for sex, or making you feel unsafe in other ways, then him initiating sex while you’re asleep is obviously part of a worrying pattern of behaviour.

The most important thing here is how it makes you feel.

I was able to talk to my DH about it frankly, and it was clear that it wasn’t abusive in our case.

Jesus Christ, the minimising on this thread is sickening. Someone even claiming sexsomnia is common - no it isn’t you ignorant, dangerous idiot.

And this:
Also, you should be realistic if putting aside this sex assault for a minute you are filling up his needs. If he has a high sex drive and it has been sex starved he would be looking somewhere else so there is that too

What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck?

Gross. Hopefully he never does this again, OP, if you’re determined not to leave him. I’d be out the door, personally.

He doesn’t have “needs”. He has “wants”. Men do not die from not having sex every single time they feel like it.

@Helenahandkart

“As I said, good men simply don't do this“

Not necessarily true. As someone else said upthread, you have to look at this within the context of his general behaviour. My husband is a good man, and he did this.

If your DP is hassling you for sex, or making you feel unsafe in other ways, then him initiating sex while you’re asleep is obviously part of a worrying pattern of behaviour.

The most important thing here is how it makes you feel.

I was able to talk to my DH about it frankly, and it was clear that it wasn’t abusive in our case.

Good men don't have sex with women who are sleeping, which is what OP believes has happened as she woke up sore. I'm sorry but good men absolutely do not do that.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Yes, sometimes they do. As I said, my husband is a good man, and I have woken up to him trying to have sex with me while he was asleep.
He didn’t know he was doing it, and was horrified when I woke him up and told him. Sexsomnia is a real thing, and some people suffer from it, and it doesn’t make them ‘bad’ people.
As I said previously, the OP needs to look at her DPs behaviour generally and examine whether he is abusive, or whether he has a sleep disorder. And if he has a sleep disorder, it’s for the OP to decide whether her relationship can accommodate that, and how to stop it happening again if she can’t deal with it.
If he’s abusive then yes, LTB. But if he genuinely doesn’t know he’s doing it there are ways to deal with it within the relationship.

Perhaps we need to sign contracts at weddings so that both parties know when and how they can and cannot touch eachother. There won't be any confusion that way.

@Naunet
aasm.org/study-finds-that-sexsomnia-is-common-in-sleep-center-patients/

The top hit on Google says that it is common, with 8% of sleep centre patients suffering from it.
I am just reporting my own experience. That doesn’t make me a dangerous idiot.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

What if the man is also sleeping at the time and doesn't know he's doing it?

As I said, my husband is a good man, and I have woken up to him trying to have sex with me while he was asleep.

@Helenahandkart I imagine he's not the only man that's claimed that.

Perhaps we need to sign contracts at weddings so that both parties know when and how they can and cannot touch eachother. There won't be any confusion that way.

@Monalotmoore It goes without saying that we should't shag people without their consent, even when married. Marital rape is a thing. If a couple like 'sleep sex,' that's a thing that needs to be discussed at some point before it's done. Otherwise, it can be assumed that if someone's asleep they don't want someone penetrating or fingering them etc.

I'm not sure in your husband's case, it does sound like you trust him from your posts. I would say I could believe myself doing anything nearly in my sleep. I went last night down three flights of stairs to turn on the heating and then woke up in the corridor, I've broken bones accidentally falling down stairs, hit my DH etc ..my uncle used to drive his car. I tie myself to the bed at night now but I suppose my point is it's possible he's asleep.

The top hit on Google says that it is common, with 8% of sleep centre patients suffering from it.

@Helenahandkart That doesn't mean it's common, most of the population isn't referred to a sleep centre.

We all know sleazy men are not rare. It's more likely that a man is taking advantage of a sleeping woman than shagging her in his sleep or getting his fingers past her knickers when he's unconscious, I reckon.

@TheAverageUser Hmmm. If you've broken bones through stuff you've done while asleep I think some medication might help so you don't do as much while unconscious maybe.

This is a tricky one, I've been woken up by my partner touching me, nothing invasive and honestly he's asleep he's snoring. It doesn't happen every night. But for balance it can happen. However If you feel he's had sex with you without your knowledge that's completely different.
It depends if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt this time and see if you can take less of your medication without telling him. Or if you feel strongly enough to just leave

@me4real I don't know why but I've never even considered or looked up if medication could help, which now seems like an obvious step!

I've found drink makes it much, much worse so I don't tend to drink and if I do then I tie myself to the bed. I used to get up and run at a wall and my DH would rugby tackle me to stop me hitting it. Stress also makes it worse.

@me4real

The top hit on Google says that it is common, with 8% of sleep centre patients suffering from it.

@Helenahandkart That doesn't mean it's common, most of the population isn't referred to a sleep centre.

We all know sleazy men are not rare. It's more likely that a man is taking advantage of a sleeping woman than shagging her in his sleep or getting his fingers past her knickers when he's unconscious, I reckon.

Then you are clearly unable to understand the fundamentals of the condition itself beyond the confines of your own man-hating.

Sexomnia is a very rare parasomnia (a sleep disorder related to abnormal movements) predominantly affecting men.
www.sleepstation.org.uk/articles/sleep-disorders/sexsomnia/

[quote freeatlast2021]Sexomnia is a very rare parasomnia (a sleep disorder related to abnormal movements) predominantly affecting men.
www.sleepstation.org.uk/articles/sleep-disorders/sexsomnia/[/quote]
According to some people on the thread it doesn't exist. Even if they are asleep when they do it and not even aware, it's still sexual assault and their wives should report it.

My partner once slapped me in bed and I instinctively slapped him back 10 times harder. It shocked the fuck out of him and woke him in a start because he was asleep and didn't even know he did it. Maybe I should have called the police and had him removed for DV then phoned women's aid that night.

Perhaps sleep walking is sexual assault too. By some people's logic if it happens when the man is fast asleep it should be treated as if he were conscious and wide awake.

No @Monalotmoore I just wanted to point out once more this is very RARE, not common like some people are trying to say and in my opinion is a serious thing that needs to be dealt with. If you killed someone while sleep walking you would end up in jail and be charged for murder. Or do you think you should not and be allowed to go home?

@freeatlast2021
Bad analogy. For someone to be convicted of murder, they have to be shown in law to have intent to murder. If you’re asleep do you intend to murder?
Similarly, if you’re asleep, are you intentionally sexually assaulting someone?
When I’m asleep I talk sometimes. I have no control over that. I don’t intend to talk, or murder, or sexually assault. Cos I’m asleep.

[quote Helenahandkart]@Naunet
aasm.org/study-finds-that-sexsomnia-is-common-in-sleep-center-patients/

The top hit on Google says that it is common, with 8% of sleep centre patients suffering from it.
I am just reporting my own experience. That doesn’t make me a dangerous idiot.[/quote]
Common (relatively) in people who have been referred to, or self referred to, a sleep clinic. That statistic doesn't mean anything as regards the general population...

@freeatlast2021

No *@Monalotmoore* I just wanted to point out once more this is very RARE, not common like some people are trying to say and in my opinion is a serious thing that needs to be dealt with. If you killed someone while sleep walking you would end up in jail and be charged for murder. Or do you think you should not and be allowed to go home?

Maybe do some research, because that has actually happened before.

Get a onesie to wear to bed. Wear knickers as well big it makes you feel safer. If you can safely take a little less meds do so.