Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

My partner never comes out with me if I'm meeting friends , they aren't his friends so why would he come?
We've been together 13 years

So you can do certain things, that he approves of, but not others?
basically, he seems to feel you should not go out at night without him.
Seriously, have a very frank conversation with him. Give him at least a chance to explain and to adjust. If he won't, bin him.

We go out separately all the time. In fact I am - shock - meeting another man for lunch (ex colleague) this week and DP wouldn't even raise an eyebrow at it.

DP is very into sport - I can't imagine sitting around with him and his mates talking about football. Likewise he would rather poke his eyes out than sit with me and my female friends talking about our nonsense. If I had a friend round for the evening DP would generally eat dinner with us, then go off and do his own thing, either at home or out.

To be honest, if he has a problem with you living your life the way you want to, then I'd be questioning the relationship.

Pre-Covid, I always went out without my DP eg cinema, drinks, dinner, etc. He didn't go out as much but he didn't have a problem with me going out.
If you've only been together a few months, how often has this been an issue? I guess I might find it odd if my DP was out every night without me but only because as a PP said there's only limited time left to be together.

Yes.
Before we had DD I went on holiday without him too - my sister thought that very odd!
We both go out with our own friends/ family -
probably more often than we go out together these days but that’s because to go out separately we don’t need a babysitter but to go out (in the evening) together we do.

Not only would I not want to be told I can’t or shouldn’t go out with my own friends without him or made to feel guilty for it,
I couldn’t stand to be with someone who didn’t have his own friends or interests outside of the relationship either. I’d find it stifling.

I find it really weird when couples never socialise without the other or always want to bring their partner along.

of course ; we both go out separately (day and evening) and always have. We have separate hobbies and interests .

We also go out together, day and evening.

Sometimes if one of us is out the other invites friends round.

We're not joined at the hip. That would be bloody uncomfortable for 50+ years.

I'd see it as controlling. Even if he just keeps repeating 'he would not'. He shouldn't be bothered.

My past week

• Friday dinner with husband and his friends
• Saturday I went to see a friend on my own and then stayed at my sister's
• Sunday did an activity with two male friends without my husband
• today meeting my husband at the theatre
• Thursday drinks with my cousin without my husband
• Saturday brunch with my best friend without our husbands
• Sunday lunch with two friends

I genuinely couldn't be with someone who felt like they had to have an opinion on how I socialise.

As well as being healthy to socialise without the other, it also means you keep ‘your’ friends rather than ‘couple’ friends. Much needed if you split.

Run

🚩🚩🚩 Run!

DH and I have separate interests and separate friends. I go out with work colleagues and visit family on my own all the time. DH has his football and mates down the pub. It's entirely normal. I wouldn't want to spend all my time with him. I need my space!

If you notice him disapproving of your friends or guilting you about going out with them then dump his arse on the kerb. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

@notacooldad

Have you found yourself reducing contact with your friends? What is your take on the situation?

No.

He's not available during the week due to childcare (of you can call it childcare when it's teenagers) so I go out as and when I get the opportunity. (Sometimes I go to his town and have dinner after work during the week, then he drops me back (I have no car at the moment).

At weekends I almost entirely see him (sat to sun) but occasionally things crop up, twice to date I think; and I just said I'd like to go on whatever it was abd could we see each other Fri or Sun instead. These occasions caused more friction from him than anything else (though an impromptu drinks thing during the week was also an issue).

Yes, we both have our own lives as well as a joint one.

The fact he doesn't want you to go anywhere without him is a massive red flag for me.

Yes, I do. But we have small dcs and no family help at all. So if we didn't go out separately, we'd barely go out at all!

All the couples I know do the same. We are just outside London and I think a lot of families are like us - no help locally and babysitters can be ££££ to use all the time. Even the childless couples we know go out separately though.

More red flags then Brands Hatch.

I'd be lonnnng gone.

• He doesnt.

He keeps saying "I would not ...".

But since there's increasing friction*

You see, for me this is way worse that just saying "I don't like you going out without me". He doesn't want to have to tell you and so showing you how he wants you to behave, in response to what he thinks is right.

This kind of relationship would just not work for me. I always feel sorry for my friends who end up with the BF/DH in tow when we have arranged a night out. Or anything else.

It's only fair to mention that within our extended family, we have some couples who could 'any night apart is a waste' who, it seems, would only consider going out together. It's only fair to say that they have also had a fair few dramatic breakups and new partners in parallel so maybe it's more nuanced than I am giving them credit for.

The point is, how do you feel about it ?

Would you be happy with only going out together, for the rest of your life? What happens if one of you dies unexpectedly young and you find you only have 'couple' friends with whom you really no longer fit.

Yes, my partner and I go out without each other all the time. We also go out with each other all the time. I would feel completely suffocated by your partner's position on going out to be honest. How do you feel about it?

If you start not going out alone because it's 'not worth the argument', you need to leave. It's the first step on the isolating you from friends/family ladder.

It's hard to describe but he speaks about not going out separately in past relationships, and that being his norm, as if is competely normal; and a positive thing.

There seems to ve an application that it's what committed, sincere, considerate couples do.

His wife family do seem to subscribe tk the same.

As I said, my sisters do too; one of my sisters (dysfunctional relationship but that's another story) commented on another woman who was going out without her husband both here and on the occasional weekend away who apparently ended up cheating; that "younaee, that's why all this nights out, weekends away, girls holidays are a bad idea, just a bad idea .... that sort of thing ends up happening".

Maybe your sisters friend cheated to get away from a controlling asshole.
Honestly op, can't you see he's training you? It's in the abusers script

The point is, how do you feel about it ?

I have always been pretty independent.

I like variety, so I like doing different things with different people.

I think having a partner with you changes the dynamic so you need some socialising alone.

I dint think people who leave themselves with no separate friends/socialise life from their partner are wise ... even if the relationship lasts, but especially not if it breaks up.

@VelvetRope212

The point is, how do you feel about it ?

I have always been pretty independent.

I like variety, so I like doing different things with different people.

I think having a partner with you changes the dynamic so you need some socialising alone.

I dint think people who leave themselves with no separate friends/socialise life from their partner are wise ... even if the relationship lasts, but especially not if it breaks up.

Are you going to tell him this?

100% has trust issues. It's not cute. Its a red flag and honestly, run for the hills. It will get worse - its only been a few months.
It will be cutting off family next.
Where are you.
Hundreds of missed calls.
Before you know it you are locked in the house.

You sound wise to it OP so why are you with him?