Do you go out without your partner?

[VelvetRope212]

I've been in a relationship for a few months.

Partner, bit older, Says he has never gone out without his partner in previous relationships, and would not do so.

He seems to think me expecting to go out without him is weird/inappropriate. This crops up almost every time I go out without him and is becoming a source of friction.

(My sisters, in fairness, dint tend to go out without their partner's. A coffee in the daytime would be the height of it. I've always been more independent though).

Yes all the time.
I go shopping on my own or with my friends.
I go to the pub with my friends, for meals, theatre, sporting occasions.
I've been overseas for a long weekend with a friend.

We do loads together as well but he has no issue at all with me doing things without him.

Your bloke sounds very controlling. I don't think it's a generational thing as my mother is in her eighties and goes out with her friends and leaves my dad at home.

Big fat red flag

Of course you go out independently. Does he really think it’s acceptable to go out in the evening if you were meeting female friends?

As I say big red flag

My parents always went out separately - Mum had swimming and various evening classes, Dad had various committees. They also did some things together, usually more social things where others would also be taking partners, or whole family things. There was quite a buit of time spent organising logistics once we were also old enough for things like swimming club and guides, but there was no doubt that everyone was allowed to do their own thing outside of the family (within reason.) Mum even went on holiday with friends and without Dad a couple of times. I think when Dad died, it helped Mum massively that she had her own things to do, rather than having to start from scratch, or everything having been something she used to do with Dad.

It meant I grew up expecting to be able to do my own things. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn't entertain themselves. I want them to be with me because we have things to talk about and share, and want to do some things together - not to be with them because they can't cope with being alone. I wouldn’t mind them coming to yoga or aquafit classes with me, but I would pretty much ignore them through the class, as I'd be concentrating on the teacher, and that might upset them, if they expected everything to be couply. But everyone needs space and to be their own person. (But I have been single for about a million years, do maybe I just crap at relationships.)

@Lifewith

Maybe your sisters friend cheated to get away from a controlling asshole. Honestly op, can't you see he's training you? It's in the abusers script

To be fair, they're still together and the impression I get is that she's the dominant partner in the relationship.

But anyway, I think it's a stupid comment because some people will cheat, some won't. I suppose she's making the point that the ones who cheat might not have had the same easy opportunity or lack of inhibition (through drinking) and so may not have.

I think he has a genuine background/context because of his family/rural community; doesbt mean it can't be abuse though, I suppose.

He knows. Course he does. He's trying it on, see if you respond.

OP, if you haven't talked to him about this, why not? You seem clear in your thinking about it. Are you worried about what might happen if you try to have a conversation?

Yes we have separate nights out with ours friends! We do a lot together as well but we both definitely appreciate time in other peoples company!!

Yes, whenever I want. Went to a friends house the other evening, was gone over 3 hours, zero issue, other half goes out for his hobby, if he wanted to go and meet a friend for a meal I'd be fine with that. I love it when we can go out together because that isn't our norm due to childcare, but it has never stopped me seeing my friends however it suits me to.

What’s living rurally got to do with it. I live in the middle of no where with one pub and have nights out myself without o/h tagging along.

Have you actually had a serious discussion about this with him? Maybe explained that you have always been independent and done things without your partners as well as together, and that is perfectly normal in your experience and your social circles?

It may be that he could actually understand that people have different views and norms of behaviour, and his is not necessarily the only and the right way. In which case, fine, you carry on.

But if he insists that he is right and you are wrong, then I think you have your answer about what kind of man he is and how your relationship is likely to progress.

My DH and I routinely do things/go places without each other. And I do have to say that of the couples we know who do not, it's because one member of the couple 'controls' the other's social life. In other words, they'd like to but their OH makes it impossible.

But the point of the whole thing is that it doesn't matter if it's a 'red flag' (although it is) and it doesn't matter what other couples do. The fact is that you DO want to go out and socialize without him (and nothing wrong with that). On that basis you are pretty much incompatible. Eventually either you're going to stop doing something you enjoy doing and is frankly good for you (socializing with friends is an important part of mental health) OR he's going to spend a lot of time being passive aggressive or demanding you stop which is NOT good for you and wearing on one's 'spirit'.

The way I see it you have two choices. Bin him (I would). Or 'lay down the law' that you're going to socialize on your own and you don't want to hear one single complaint or one word about 'what he'd do'. And that if he can't live with that then he'll have to live without you.

Get rid of him. This will definitely escalate.

I've travelled solo while in a relationship, I couldn't date someone who wanted to be joined at the hip.

My DH is off to the Chelsea Arts Club with a couple of friends tomorrow evening. I’m very jealous but really can’t be arsed with tracking upto London. I’m off out for dinner with a friend next week plus dinner with a mixed group of work colleagues the following week.
I expect DH to have various drinks evenings with work friends before Christmas. Totally normal in my book, we’ve managed to stay married for 30 odd years so I don’t think it’s done us any harm.

I think he has a genuine background/context because of his family/rural community; doesnt mean it can't be abuse though, I suppose
Dh lived in a small cottage God knows where , where milk had to walk a two and a half miles to a bus stop that a bus left twice a week, I cant remember the days. It picked up in the village in the morning and returned in the afternoon and that was it.
Mil still managed to socialize with her friends and fil looked after the kids she was married in the early 1950s and was still meeting her friends and having a good natter and drinking Gordon's gin(with a little tonic if you dont mind darling, oh lemon as well!!🤣🤣) in the 1960's when she had 3 kids!
Rurual community diesnt mean you have to be isolated, it can be harder to get out if you haven't got your own car or reliable transport.

Yes, several times a week with my friends. DH goes out most weeks to a hobby with his friends without me.

You mentioned his wife . His ex wife, his late wife or his current wife ?

The fact he doesn't share your views isn't the issue.
The fact it's causing arguementa is a red flag. He is being controlling.

Thin end of the wedge.

Do you really want to have 'friction' every time you choose to go out of an evening without him?

Also, rural is not shorthand for a particular lifestyle. I don’t know what living rurally means in this context.

Please ditch him now. Its abusive, its not even like you live together. He's basically saying you're not allowed to leave your own home at night. It doesn't matter how normal he or anyone else thinks it is, he's trying to control you

He sounds controlling
Why are you putting up with this nonsense?

I’m going out tonight to the pub to meet a friend without my husband; he goes out without me too- totally healthy and normal behaviour

There is no way in hell i would be with someone that doesn't like me to go out without him. My ex didn't like for me to go out without him but I did anyway. I would find it boring doing everything only with my partner. And I would find him boring as well.

@VelvetRope212

I think he has a genuine background/context because of his family/rural community; doesbt mean it can't be abuse though, I suppose.

There is no context for this behaviour, it’s just an excuse.

DH and I love spending time together but we enjoy time apart too and encourage each other to meet friends for dinner/drinks/sporting events/occasional nights away etc.

Lots of couples rarely go out without each other. The amount of money/free time is an influence (if you don't have much you tend to prioritise each other) and in some communities couples with couples socialisation is the norm, not because of any controlling tendencies but just because that's how it is.

I disagree about prioritising each other when you don't have much money. When we were young and broke it would have been even more daft for us to spend money on a ticket for dh to accompany me to something he wasn't bothered about seeing, plus paying a babysitter on top.
It may well be 'norm' for some couples, and that is fine if that is what both of them want to do. The point here is that it isn't what the OP thinks is 'normal' and isn't what she wants to do.
I certainly don't want to only go out with my dh. We both have interests that the other doesn't share - why would you want your partner coming along with you do something they aren't interested in, when you could go with someone who was ?

So, to answer your question, yes, dh and I go out without the other quite a lot.